My journey with Jesus

Which way?

2012-02-18T00:15:00.005+08:00

Freedom of choice was one of the greatest gifts that God gave mankind. In many ways, freedom of choice is what this journey of life is about. God gave us the freedom to choose between good & evil. But freedom is also defined differently for each of us. Freedom of choice has also brought many of us to many mistakes that we may not necessarily want to make. But on the upside, we gain confidence in ourselves when we make the right choices. I guess we all struggle with confidence in our decisions in one way or another. I definitely still struggle in the decisions I make. In many moments of making a decision, I am left to wonder what would be the best choice. I have had my fair share of good & bad decisions. The good decisions have given me a renewed confidence in myself but the bad ones have made me reflect on the insecurity I have.

As it stands, I am coming closer to the end of my study path discernment. I am at a state that I'd have preferred not to be at. I am still very much confused on whether I'll be staying in Singapore or leaving for Aussie. I am about 2 weeks away from the end of my discernment and I really wanted to have been able to reach a decision soon. There may be a possibility of maybe extending my discernment by a month. I guess its frustrating to be in this state of the unknown. There is a possibility of me staying and there is a possibility of me going. There are pros & cons in both options. I feel so confused about what I sincerely want. Do I want to stay or go? Which way?

There have been a variety of opinions from many people. During the course of my discernment, I even made a note in my IPhone on the reasons that draw me to stay and reasons that draw me to go. In the course of my discernment, I have come to a much deeper understanding of the pillars in my life. I have come to a much deeper love for my family, my community, my parish, my country as well as the heat in singapore. Initially, some of the reasons why I really wanted to go to aussie was because there were many things in singapore that I found difficult to love. But now, I certainly have come to a much deeper love & appreciation of these pillars in my life. I have surly come to recognise how comfortable I am when in Singapore. I have a family that loves & supports me no matter how much I have failed them. I have a youth community that loves me so much and so do I love them so much too. They give me the platform to serve God and journey with God's people as well as see how God continues to mould them. I have an amazing parish that has become such a welcoming environment to seek God and share their lives with each other. I live in an amazing country that is clean & small. I am very comfortable being here in singapore because I know that I will be taken care. I have been blest with so many amazing godly people in my life whom I can always turn to whenever I'm in need of counsel & advice. God has truly blest me in singapore!

But then there is australia! Its been a dream to be there, of which I am willing to allow it to remain a dream. Aussie always holds a special place in my heart. At this point of my discernment, there are still a few things that draw me to go there to further my studies. My brother, James is there. And I really do miss him. There is also a loving community that I can belong to, should I decide to go there. There are also some amazing friends I can depend on like Shaun. Then there is also the place that I still have in the University of Western Australia (UWA) where I'll be able to study Psychology. A few days ago, I just found out that UWA is 45th in the world for Psychology. For me, it would be a dream to be studying at such a prestigious & world-renowned university. I guess choosing to study in Aussie is really a leap of Faith with God too!

There is also the struggle of what people hope that I would choose. But I guess that should not be a great consideration. Its hard for me as I don't think I've ever been a position where I'm given 100% control on a decision. I am so scared that I would make a wrong decision. I am fine with either decision. There isn't a way that I want more than the other at this moment. Which way do I want more? Over the course of this week, I've been really struggling with this. In so many ways, I thought that I was set on staying here in singapore to pursue my degree. That's the way I felt from Sept to Dec. I had never predicted that would be the way I would feel in the last month of my discernment. I really thought that it would be easier. There are so many reasons why I am so confused. But during silent adoration tonight, I just poured out to God all that was in my heart & mind. I expressed my choice to do God's holy will, even if it meant losing people I treasure & love so much in my life because I know with great certainty that God has only great plans for me and that he knows best! My plan is to spent an hour a day in silent prayer as I wait upon God to speak to me!

Lord, I do not know what my decision is going to be. But I know you hold my hand and walk with me through this confusing time. Lord, Lead & guide to do your will. You know the plans you have for me. I know that they are great plans. Lord, I am scared but I surrender my everything unto you! Lead me, Lord!

Please keep me in your prayers! God Bless!

A Celebration of Blessings

2012-01-13T17:56:00.003+08:00

There is just so much to celebrate and praise this amazing god for! I have been going through an amazing experience of unending blessings. The only way I can actually describe the kind of emotions that fill me in my heart is that 'I feel in each moment that the Blessings of God in my life continue to outweigh each struggle in my life'. In the entire time in my life, I have never been able to say this because maybe it a very great extent, I felt it is not true in my life. Blessings seem to be a rare sharing topic among people today. I guess its only natural that we look at our struggles first. But ever since my trip to aussie for the SSS community retreat in july'11, I would say that the scales on the eyes of my heart have fallen and I'm able to see life in a very new way. When I look at life now as well as where I am, the first thing I see are the multitude of blessings in my life. I come to an emotion of deep gratitude unto God! Isn't God just so amazing!

It has been awhile since I last posted anything. Most of the time, this would happen in a time of great struggle for me. But this time, its been the total opposite. I would be lying to say that there was no struggle for me in the past few months, but like I said, the blessings of God just outweigh each struggle. Now I first celebrate life before looking at the many struggles in my day. The festive season of Christmas & the New year has been one of simplicity and great joy & peace. It was a festive season that I have been really looking forward to. For me, I wanted to just use this festive season to give thanks unto God and celebrate life! The Christmas & New year gatherings helped me appreciate the gift of people's presence! And I am ever so thankful for an amazing time of celebration of Christ's Birth. And I am sure that Christ Jesus was definitely reborn in the lives of many. For me, I did give myself a good treat after an amazing year. I spent about $400 on shopping for new clothes for myself. It was a deep pinch in the pocket, I felt that this splurge was an important one for me as I needed to tell that little person inside my heart that he was important! This has been the crux of my healing in the year of 2011, a true and much deeper love & appreciation for the person that I am! But on the another plus point, I just love my new wardrobe! I believe that I step into as new phase of my life as I embark on the year 2012!

As the new year of 2012 began, there were 2 things that were constantly exciting me in my heart. First, it was the amazing 24th birthday of mine. For me, birthdays are always a special time as on that day many years ago, God breathed life into me and made me! That surely must call for a celebration. This year, my birthday was simple but so amazing. It seems these days that simplicity is what I desire the most. On the eve of my birthday, I had a very good dinner with 3 of my community members (Stephen, Sarah & Shaun). I had a great time being in the presence of people that love me. On the actual day of my birthday, I had taken leave from work. I had spent the day with Freeman. It was just great to be spending my special day with a brother in Christ I have come to appreciate & love so much more! In the evening, I attended mass and there was this great peace in my heart! In that moment, I just saw all the blessings in my life and rejoiced at all that I am. At night, I had dinner yet again with people that love me so much. This time, it was with Fr. Brian, Cheryl, Julia, Tim & Freeman. And finally, the day of celebrations ended with my own family. It was a day of joy, peace & love. It was a day to celebrate! The celebrations made me happy!

Second, it is an event that has been in my heart for exactly an entire year! I believe that this event of the Serangoon District Youth Conference is not only my dream but its also a dream of my youth leaders of the past & present. It our event! This only seemed like a very far & unrealistic dream but the event starts tomorrow! In my heart, I am near speechless. I really find it so hard to believe that the Conference starts tomorrow. The process of planning for this event has been a long, tiring but extremely enjoyable & joyful experience! There have been many joys in this process, from seeing how much the music team has grown technically & spiritually as one to the excitement of seeing everyone come to together to the amazing design of this poster to being part of the core team for such an amazing event. But the greatest joy is to experience the unity of the Catholic Church. It has been amazing to see how everyone has come together to be part of this event! The only one to praise & thank at the end of the day is none other than God! He is the reason for this conference and he is the source of all strength! There will definitely be a blog post soon!

Finally, as my discernment nears closer to the end, I come to decision! As it stands, after discerning for 5 months, I will be staying in Singapore and continuing my studies here! It has been 5 months of alot of self-discovery! I am very excited to start studying psychology! I am truely amazed at how far God has brought me and continues to bring me! It is really such a joy to be a child of God!

There is just so much to praise god for & celebrate! What makes it most amazing is how humbled I feel by the many blessings from God! There is really none like you, O God! Praise you, O Jesus!

Confused

2011-11-10T14:50:00.001+08:00

It's a state that I've been in for 1-2 months. In this discernment of whether to go to Aussie or stay in Singapore, I've been brought through moments of reflections that I would never have imagined to be struggling from. In recent weeks, I've been at a real lost as to where I'm headed towards in my discernment. I've also been experiencing emotions that I would never imagined myself to be experiencing. But the presence of God has been very present.

At the start of this discernment, I honestly assumed that making a decision at the end of the discernment would be an easy one. In the 1st month of my discernment, it seemed quite clear where my heart lay. It would only seem right that I was feeling so strong & happy about the possibility of studying in Aussie and eventually moving there. It was a thought that really brought much consolation, joy & peace. But amidst these emotions, subconsciously, I was in the sense sort of running away from what has been with me for years. That would be my parish, SFX and my community, Youth Vineyard. In that 1st month of discernment, it really felt like an easy decision to leave them for a valid reason to further my studies. I would call this first month the 'honeymoon month' of my discernment. But just like in any other commitment, we know that the journey that follows after the honeymoon phase would a very challenging month if we believe that the rest of the journey would be just like the honeymoon phase. This is exactly what had happened in my current discernment. In just so many ways, I'd underestimated the very depth & gravity of the importance & significance of what is present in my life in Singapore. These are my family, youth vineyard, SFX youth ministry, serangoon district and my roots.

As the discernment progressed into the 2nd month, the love in my family increased and so did the love & unity in yv & sfx youth ministry. In my heart, I struggled to come to terms that the very great struggles of the past were starting to become real strengths in my life. God started to touch & heal me in my deep hurt & wound on community. My perfectionist nature started to become one of a community nature. I started to grown in love with community! I started to grow into a greater love & appreciation with the very struggles & obstacles I felt about in the past. In my heart, I asked myself, "Mark, is it really your desire to leave?"

The discernment took on a totally different pattern of reflections & inclinations. My heart seemed to be torn between staying & going. My heart just seemed so divided. Confusion as to where I was headed towards grew more & more each day! I couldn't understand what had brought this on. I had done nothing to increase my love for these things but it seemed inevitable that I would grow in a greater love & appreciation of what was presently in my life here in Singapore, whether I did something about it. Love for what was present kept growing. This could never be the work of anyone else except from above. But amidst all these emotions, it seemed evident that the decision to take a discernment for this was a very wise & good choice to make. And I guess that this is also what discernment is about. We need to discern because we desire to find out God's direction in my life.

At the moment, my heart feels weary of where I'm headed towards. I guess it's only human nature that I'd be feeling this way because as humans, we become weary when we're in a situation of the unknown. But in the unknown state, I know that god calls out to me to trust that he walks right beside me in my weariness and that I should trust in his beautiful plan for me. I feel scared of losing many things & people. This is a very real possibility. But I am very sure that this discernment will surly purify my motives whether I stay or go.

Lord Jesus, fear fills my heart. And I'm scared of many things. But i know you're here with me. Jesus, I trust in you for I know that you always have my interest at heart! Lead me, Lord to your holy will. Grant me more of your grace to trust & depend on you, Jesus!

Put your hands in the hands of the Lord and never let go!

A new discernment

2011-08-10T10:52:00.001+08:00

The word 'discernment' has been a word that has appeared in this blog many times. It's something that continues to remain a mystery for many people. It's also something that many people in this modern day aren't really accustomed to. There are many reasons for this issue on a lack of discerning people of god! In this modern world, we live in a very fast-paced life where we require our demands & wants to be received almost immediately or at the very least, in a very short span of time! This is credited to a certain extent to the very efficient way that our modern world works today! We live in a world where patience isn't very much present and I'm sure it's alright to say that patience isn't needed much because demands are expected to be delivered at an instant! Hence, it becomes alright to say that Discernment isn't very common in our modern world today. But I would very much disagree to this.

Recently, I've just finished reading a very famous book on discernment called, "Weeds among the Wheat". It's really been amazing book to read as I've come to realize the mistakes I've made in my own discernment! But I'd say that without those mistakes, I wouldn't have enjoyed reading this book as much. There has been so much that I've learnt about discernment! I've also come to a realization that discernment is a difficult practice in our present times due to the very evident fact that our world doesn't provide a very conducive climate for discernment. But this doesn't mean that discernment is impossible, rather it challenges us to a much deep dependence on God to be with us in our discernment! Another aspect of discernment that many of us are afraid of is the truth that there may be a chance that we would fall and make mistakes. The question we should be asking ourselves in this fear is, "Do you think you are so great that it would be so easy to ruin your life?" God surely is much more in control of our lives than we perceive him to be, especially if we grant him full control of our lives! In the first place, all he needed was our permission to take control of our lives! Then we may ask ourselves, then how could God allow mistakes to happen! God allows them because it would then challenge us to be humble and depend on God more!

Over the past 3 years, I've been on 2 discernments on 2 different people. Over the course of these discernments, I've come to embrace that I've made many mistakes. They're mistakes that also could have been avoided. But in process of making these mistakes, I've come to accept that I need to learn about something before I enter into it. I've also come to celebrate that God has saved me from the misery of my mistakes! This process hasn't been one bit easy. It's been a process where I've really had to humble myself and cry out to God to help me. But it's been a process that has led me to have a much deeper dependence & trust in God! God has definitely written straight on my crooked lines! I've definitely learnt from the mistakes I've made. In hope not to make those mistakes again, but if I do make those mistakes again, then it happens for a reason and I need to know God is with me all the way.

At this present moment, there are many desires that lies in my heart. But amidst those desires, there is 1 outstanding desire. This desire is to allow God's will to take place in my life. I've also come to a deeper understanding that God's will is for you to be happy according to his ways not ours. But when we come to embrace and see the goodness of his ways, our ways slowly comes closer to his ways! In my heart, there is much joy at the way my journey with God is headed towards! Ever since coming back from my Aussie trip, I've been discovering so much of myself. I am very sure that this is not only the beauty & joy of my relationship with God but it is also a time of preparation for what is to come for me. I feel very much filled with a hope rooted & founded in God alone!

Since the recent Aussie trip, I've come to a much deeper realization of the emotions within my heart, especially with regards to a deep desire in my heart to stay in Aussie! It's actually a desire that I chose to reject for the last 2 years. All this while, I had always assumed that God was never in favour of this desire. It's only been recently that I've opened my heart to this desire when a good friend of mine said something during a workshop he gave. He said, "If we don't have a choice in journey with God, then that isn't a love advocated by god! In God's love, there is always a choice." This led me to at least consider this desire. Once I opened my heart to this desire, the option to study in a university there became a much more possible option. Slowly, more doors to aid this option started to open! The most obvious door was when the worry of finances was put to rest for at least my first year of university studies. Since opening my heart to this option, this desire to be there has grown into a very concrete option as least. Now, I'm officially taking a 7-month discernment on whether to study in Aussie or Singapore. I feel much more at peace with the idea of Discernment now because I've learnt the ways of Catholic Discernment!

Lord Jesus, I praise & thank you for the many things happening in my life. I also thank you for guiding me to open this option of discerning where to study. I pray that you will guide me on my discernment. I pray that I be honest with my emotions and trust that you will speak your will into my heart! Fill me with your holy spirit as I make this discernment with you! I need you and depend on you, God!

Praise you, O God of heaven & earth!

A leap of faith

2011-07-31T23:17:00.008+08:00

A leap of faith is one that I've always wondered if I've ever done before. A leap of faith is like blind faith where you don't quite know what you'll be heading towards. Its a leap into the unknown and uncertain. For many, its something that becomes too risky as you require faith to trust that God is holding your hand as you take this leap of faith. A leap of faith applies to many different situations. These situations vary from entering a relationship to answer your vocation to being part of a community to going for a retreat to taking up a job offer to picking a course for study and the list goes on. For me, there have been a few moments when I too have been invited to take a leap of faith. I guess it goes to say that taking a leap of faith is never something that is neither easy to do nor is it within our comfort zones. As humans, we all prefer to be aware of what we are headed towards as it gives us a certain level of assurance of whether we'd be able to survive in that situation. We like being comfortable and aware.

This leap of faith that I took was one that I never intended to take. In actual fact, I made a firm decision to not take this leap of faith. But God has his ways of convincing me otherwise. It all started shortly after my community's retreat in March. A fellow friend from aussie has emailed me to affirm me about the great things that happened at the yv retreat. She said that many of her fellow sowers shared with her about the great joy they felt through their intimate experience of God during the retreat. She then asked if I could help give her pointers for her own community retreat back in aussie! Without hesitation, I was more than willing to share my insights & ideas. After all, it was just to share pointers. As time progressed, the program for her community retreat had been finalised. My work was done and I felt at peace but there was this nagging feeling in my heart to help more than I had planned to. After much persistence from God, I had told her that there could be a possibility for a team from Singapore to head down to aussie to help serve at the retreat! But I made it very clear that I would not be going down as I was still recovering from my discernment and furthermore, it was an all-girls community. I knew in my heart that going to help at this retreat would be well beyond me. So I just formed a small team to go down to serve at their retreat! Praise god because there were 3-4 sower girls that were keen & open to the idea. So this made me feel not too bad about not going down to serve.

But as time progressed, the nagging feeling in my heart to serve at the retreat grew. But nonetheless, I was firm on choosing to not go as the reasons were valid and reasonable. In the meantime, the girls that accepted to serve for the aussie retreat were very persistent in their attempt to convince me to go with them to serve at the retreat. I remained strong but it was when I was sending off a fellow community member at the airport when I finally opened my heart to the idea. Ever since that moment, God paved the way for everything to move so smoothly. One thing led to another and the next moment, I just took that leap of faith and I was in Aussie serving at a all-girls 5-day retreat (though there was a guy who came for 2 nights). I was really entering a territory that was completely uncertain for me. There were many fears in my heart as I was the only person to give all 13 teaching sessions! There were so many reasons to back out but amidst all those reasons & fears, there was this very evident call in my heart to just take this leap of faith and know that Jesus holds my hand with me. Jesus takes this leap of faith with me.

This leap of faith is definitely the best decision I've ever made in my life. There is absolutely no doubt about that. As I was serving at the 5-day retreat, there was absolutely no moment at all where I felt regretful about making the trip down. It was the first time that I felt so happy & rested serving at a retreat. It was really amazing because I didn't sleep much during the retreat but somehow I just felt so rested. It was also a retreat that really stretched me, especially in my gift of teaching. But I'm so grateful to God for stretching me in this area because it was at this retreat that I was finally able to embrace & rejoice that I had a gift in Teaching! It was an experience like never before because I felt so happy & at ease giving each of the 13 teachings. Yes, I will admit that it was stressful but I felt so peaceful giving the teaching sessions. There surely is a big difference when you serve God in your area of gifting.

There were so many lessons I learnt from the retreat as well as the community there. I feel so honoured to have been with the community there! I had the privilege of witnessing how easy it was to love instead of judging. I also managed to witness the simplicity of God in each of the girls. I was also so touched by how much they loved & accepted me with ease. I felt so blest to be in their presence. I also learnt so much about community. I would say that something close to unconditional love was my experience with the girls from that community! I am forever thankful to each one of them! As much as I was there to serve, I was able to receive in abundance through my serving. I just felt so loved & appreciated like never before. I also leant what it meant to be truly Catholic. But I'll share about that in another post!

The retreat was a beautiful experience for each of them too! They had a true intimate experience of God's unconditional love. It was a retreat where I had never experience such a full experience of God's love & power as there was a the Sacrament of reconciliation, Mass, a night to experience the intimate touch of Jesus, a night of the outpouring of the holy spirit, the washing of feet & ect. It was such a full experience! There is just so much to praise God for!

This all was made possible when the girls & I said our 'Yes' to take that leap of faith. It was a leap of faith where I had to totally trust God with blind faith and as well as to totally surrender my everything unto God! I am so glad that I did because I received back in a hundred-fold! We can really never out-do God in generosity! It was also a trip that helped me realise certain desires in my heart that I had chosen to reject for the past 2 years. But through this retreat, God has led me to be more open to plans that I never knew God would consider approving! I have so much to praise God for! There is no amount of praise that would be sufficient to express my deep gratitude & appreciation unto him!

Lord God, I praise & worship from the depths of my heart for all that you have done. The best part is that you love me so much no matter what I do or say! I thank you and praise you for this free gift of your unconditional love unto me! Jesus, you are my heart's desire! Lead me to your will always! I love you Jesus! :)

To all that are reading this post, I just want to tell you that there will be moments each of our lives when we need to take a leap of faith with God! Though there will be many fears in your heart, Jesus invites you to take this leap of faith with him as he holds your hand! He loves you and only has great plans for you because he only wants the best for you. And sometimes, you may not understand the reasons for why God does certain things but he sees the bigger picture and the fat is that we can't see what he sees. But all we can do is to surrender in openness to his will and trust him!

"Put your hand in the hand of the Lord and never let go!"

A Multitude of healing experienced

2011-06-27T20:23:00.005+08:00

In each heart, I believe there is always a great level of healing that one desires, whether that heart wishes to let go of his/her own pride to admit this truth. It has been something I've come to a much deeper understanding of. But, a great deal of humility is required for one to embrace & accept that healing is needed. A lack of healing always has very devastating effects deep within one's heart. It becomes amazing that Christianity is one of the very few religions that constantly advocates & promotes the need for healing. But healing is also a very painful process as it brings about very intensed emotions that definitely cause each of us to wonder if the healing process is worth enduring.

Over the past 6 months, I've been in a real search for healing in a particular area of my past. Its been an area of my life that has caused so much hurt deep within my heart. It has basically been the immense hurt I've experienced during my discernment in the past year. This hurt has been so painful that it has also led me to wonder if God really does love me. In many ways, its been a situation that I've never been. The immense hurt was so deep that there was so much fear in my heart to even face it. For the past 6 months, I have just been yearning & desiring to be healed in this area of my life so much. Over time, I've also come to accept the very hard truth that I've been scarred in many ways, due to my major underestimation of the ways of the evil one.

But as God never abandons every single one of his children, God had a plan to bring the very much needed healing into my life at a time that would be perfect. As much as it was such a painful process to wait so long for this healing, it was made perfect when it came and I was able to see that the wait was such an important factor in the entire healing process. Furthermore, the wait was actually part of the healing. The wait was the start of God's healing within me. God always knows best and in this situation, the phrase in the Bible, "God's time is never the same as our time", would serve to be very true.

On that night, I was filled with so much fear deep within my heart as I met with the person I was struggling so much. But beneath the immense fear, there was this very evident fact that I needed to face this area of immense brokenness and allow the Light of Christ to shine and bring truth into this situation. I also was aware that there would never be a better opportunity again. So as I began the conversation, I just abandoned all fear and braced up every ounce of courage to be totally human & extremely vulnerable to her. It was probably the most difficult yet most beautiful conversations I've ever had in my entire life. It was difficult because I'd never ever placed myself in a vulnerable state before. It was also so beautiful because there was an immense level of grace & love within the entire conversation. I really praise God for being ever so present as we exchanged sharings. There was no doubt at all that there was so much healing taking place within both of our hearts. For me, there was so much peace & joy in my heart as it has been a process that I've desired so much for. But there was no better time than that night. In many ways, we both were able to accept & embrace this fact and see how God's work hasn't stopped within each of us, although there were many moments of not feeling his presence.

At the end of our conversation, we made a conscious decision to love & respect each other as brother & sister in the blessed name of Jesus Christ! There also so much hope for each of us, as well as for the friendship we have. Finally, we embraced each other and I believe that we came to fully forgive each other. I praise God for this amazing & beautiful experience of healing that couldn't have taken place without God! I also wanna thank this friend of mine from the very depths of my heart for saying that 'YES' to meet me that night. I wouldn't be in this moment of extreme joy & peace without her. So I thank you, dear!

For all those reading this post, I thank you for constantly being part of this journey I have with Jesus! I thank you for praying for me. But if there is an area of healing that you seek, I pray & encourage you to lift it up to God and surrender your desire unto him. God will answer your plea in his time. God will never abandon you and know that your plea is never left ignored or unheard by God! God loves you so much. Most importantly, I pray with all my heart that you will never neglect or underestimate your need for healing. Its never embarrassing to say that you need healing. Especially in this very fast-paced world, healing is compromised so much. May you always be this living testimony of God's healing love in this world for all to see & believe! God bless your journey!

A time to wait

2011-04-27T15:42:00.004+08:00

Waiting seems to be one of the most difficult experiences that we as children of God are called to experience. There are times when we are reminded that our time isn't the same as the time of God! Over time, as we draw closer to heart of God, we come to a deep understanding that on this journey with Jesus, the phase of waiting is very crucial & important in God's work within each of us. But why is waiting so important! It becomes more and more difficult when the other areas in one's life are moving at a very realistic pace! Why is the wait for the areas in one's life that are so important become so long?

In this very moment of my life, things are moving at a very realistic rate. There is so much to praise God for! There is growth is so many areas of my life! The list of the areas of growth seems to be unending! Over the past 2 months, ever since God began his healing, especially healing the scars that developed within my heart from my discernment, there has been an immense amount of lightness & joy within me! My community has been growing so much ever since the YV retreat and God's anointing upon this community is becoming more & more obvious! There is also much growth in my prayer life and also the constant battle against sin. There have also been many relationships with friends that have been renewed, as well as new friendships with different people of God that have been created! There is also so much growth in the district as a very strong wave of God's awakening within each of our hearts seems to be ringing all round! There is just so much to praise God for!

In my journey, God has blest me so much with both a devoted spiritual buddy and also a very amazing man of God that has promised to journey with me and find God's will for me in my life. He has really stretched me in very obvious ways of discovering the person that God has created. He has taught me so many things that I have placed as not important. He has truely been a immense blessing in my walk with Jesus! I really can't thank him & God enough for the amazing growth that has been happening within me! So thank you my dearly loved brother in Christ from Sabah! I will keep praying for you each day!

In the midst of such blessings, in my heart, there is still this very state of not feeling satisfied & contented. Its like the core of my deepest desire still remains to be not fulfilled! Its a deep desire that unites God's love for me and God's vocation for me! But how can this be? My deepest desire has always been God! How can another deepest desire develop and also unify my deep desire for God! Am i just over-exaggerating this desire? But how can I be over-exaggerating this desire when its a desire that becomes magnified each time I enter into prayer with God!

In my heart, I wonder if this deep unified desire will ever be met? Or is this a way that the evil one is subtly using to take me away from God? There lies so many questions deep within my heart! This desire is also one that unifies me with my vocation of Marriage! But beneath these questions, there lies one fact that remains to be extremely evident!

"Trust in me, my Son! I know the plans I have for you! Wait upon me as I mould in the meantime"

This wait is one that is difficult to bear as it is the one area of my life that I struggle to wait upon God! But although I feel this way, I know in my heart that I am still not ready for that next phase of my life. Due to this unreadiness, God wants to mould & refine me for that next phase of life! It is amazing how God seems to be in full control of my life! For me, I am called to place my both feet in this time to wait and be moulded by God! I am called to embrace this time to wait and believe in the fruits that will develop within me from this time to wait! I am called to work together hand-in-hand with God in moulding me into the person he desires me to become! I am called ultimately to trust Jesus in the areas of my life that are the most difficult & painful to trust!

I am not sure where you are in your own phase of life! But know this; Jesus will take as much control in your life as you allow him to be in control of! The journey with Jesus and the call to trust him is never easy but I have seen the fruits first-hand and they truly 'PRICELESS"! There is absolutely no price worthy enough for the fruits that you will bear from your time to wait upon God as he moulds you into the beautiful person that he desires for you to be!

I too am challenged to believe in this message! I pray that we will be reminded of this call into a time to wait! God has the best plans for us. We just need time to believe in it!

Lord Jesus, I struggle to wait upon you especially in this area of my life, coupled with this immense desire! But help dear Lord to believe in this wait you have called upon me to believe in! Help me surrender and trust you! For you alone knows what lies ahead for me!

Praise you O God!

iThirst

2011-03-19T13:11:00.007+08:00

There was a revelation phrase that God had revealed to me last year. It's a phrase that I have to come to struggle with over the course of the past few months, especially in the weeks that passed after my discernment had ended! I had questioned & quarreled many times with God over this phrase! There were numerous occasions where I concluded against God to say that this phrase just isn't real, at least in the modern world we live in today! But with each disagreement that I had with God over this, he very silently responded and invited me to wait upon him! He also said many times saying, "My Son, my time and yours are very different! I do not work according to your time. I work according to my time! I see everything in the world, when you only see the world from your point of view! So trust & wait upon me, my Son!" But no matter what was said, I continued to struggle in my life with the scars I received during my discernment!

God revealed,

"There is no blemish in God's plan for you!"

This was the phrase that I struggled with after my discernment had concluded! I felt that there was so much blemish in God's Plan for me! But it was only at my community's retreat last weekend when God had convinced me that this phrase was indeed true! It was really the most complete retreat that I had been through! There was a 3 month anticipation and excitement that God has placed within my heart! It was a very surreal feeling within my heart! It was a feeling that gave me hope for what was to come and in that way, God gave me an immense faith to really believe in what amazing fruits would take place within the community as well as within my heart!

It was a really interesting experience to plan the retreat with the core team! The ideas sprang forth deep within my heart! There were many moments, when I felt like the vision that God had for the YV retreat was just an impossible one! There were many conversations with God when I just cried out to God of how impossible it would be for his vision of the community was! But in all conversations, God just told me to trust that if this vision of his was part of his will, then this vision would happen in his time!

But God didn't leave me empty-handed to get the resources we needed for the YV retreat to be one that would facilitate the vision that God had for this community! God provided everything, especially when I was in dire need of inspiration & ideas during the planning for the retreat! It was quite an exhilarating journey in planning this retreat! God made it so easy for me, but he did require me to do my part as well.

The build-up to the retreat was one that I would call a true rollercoaster of events that transpired! As a community, about 2 months before the retreat, we faced many many difficulties in terms of the many disagreements & conflicts we had between each other! There was such disunity & disharmony within the community! There was an immense lack of love because there was a very real issue that many people within the community were being hurt and there wasn't honesty about the way everyone was getting hurt! For me, it was a very real issue! But as deep as I struggled with how I felt that these struggles were unnecessary, these struggles made our retreat experience a complete. In a very real way, these experiences within the community was God's way of spiritually preparing us for our retreat! After a few weeks of discussing about these issues, we headed to prepare ourselves, as a community for this retreat! For me, God just took control of all our plans!

Now, the retreat was just a complete one! The amazing part of the retreat was that everyone coming for the retreat knew what they were heading into before the retreat had started! Everyone knew that the retreat was one of healing and complete renewal of everyone as a child of God and also as a community of the 'Youth Vineyard'! The spirit during the retreat was just so beautiful as I just felt the Spirit of God taking each session by the way God desired for it to be! Another amazing fact was that God chose people who were completely experienced in ministry and especially people that were really close to the heart of God!

Now here is my experience of the YV retreat! At the start of the retreat, I struggled alot because in my heart I really wanted to receive healing from my immense brokenness! I wanted to be healed and be set free! But i also knew that there were certain things that I needed to do during the retreat that was important for me to take charge of. The reason for that was to actually preserve what God wanted at the retreat! So at the first session done by Cheryl, Jeanette & MSC, I felt that there was this very foreign feeling within the very depths of my heart! I felt like I was in a foreign & totally barren land with God! I didn't understand why God had just taken me out a land that was beautiful and placed me in this barren land instead! But nonetheless, God affirmed me that there was a reason for me to be here in this barren land! The 1st night ended with this state of being in a foreign land!

The next day was a very heavy day but I knew that it was a day of great healing for everyone! In my heart, I wondered whether it would be a time of healing for me too! I knew that it was a deep desire for me to receive healing and that love of Jesus! The 1st half of the day was one where there was a balance of both serving and receiving! Alfred gave a session of 'Intimacy with God'! For me, it was a session to help me identify the giftings that God had blest me with and to also identify the areas in my life where I felt was negative! The day moved on to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, done by Edwyn!

It was only after Edwyn had talked when I received an immense healing from the Cross of Jesus! As soon as we entered reflection & silent time to prepare ourselves for confession, I broke down in the corner of the room! I was left crying for about 25 minutes! In those moments, I struggled with how 'Purity' was only a dream that I could have, but not a reality that could occur in my life! In my heart, I was crying out to God of why I could only desire 'Purity'! But that was as far as it went! It was something I could only desire! At that moment, I struggled to surrender my life to Jesus! I just couldn't accept & embrace that God still chose to use an impure man like me to serve him in his kingdom! I couldn't agree that God still wanted to use me as an instrument of his love unto others! I just couldn't accept this! But God very gently invited me to have faith in him! God gently explained that if there was a deep desire for purity in my heart, then it was because he had placed that desire in my heart and it would just be a matter of time when that desire of 'Purity' within my heart would become a reality! So very slowly, I went before the Cross of Jesus, as a very broken man and surrendered it all unto God! That toke me another 15-20 mins! After that, I made a very good confession! After this session, we had mass celebrated by Fr. John Chua & Fr. Thomas Curran! It was just the perfect way to complete God's healing within me for this area of my life!

The retreat just got better & better! There was just so much more that God had in stored for both the community & me! The next session was done by someone that I look up to alot! Dominic Chan, a man that is holy & god-seeking but also a man that lives out his vocation of Marriage! He gave a session on 'iThirst', where he talked about the very real issue of the world today that constantly draw us further and further away from God and who he desires for each of us to be! For me, I felt so honoured & humbled when he asked me to lead the community into an opening session before he started his session! I remembered so clearly what he said, "You just do your thing, dude!" This was something so simple but yet a phrase that touched me so much! I guess it was just so heart-warming to have someone I look up to so much, to believe in me! Praise God! Anyways, after his session, everyone entered silent time to reflect on their own hunger for God, while I talked with Dom's team about the plans for the night session! As I was talking with them, I just felt that although I wanted to be on the receiving end of the night session, I knew that discussing with Dom's team was something that God wanted me to do in sacrifice for a beautiful experience of God's healing & love that the entire community would receive at the night session! So after setting up everything for the night session, I prayed together with the team! In those moments of praying with them, I was in such awe of the people of God that I was in the presence of! I just praised God for blessing YV at our retreat with these beautiful people of God! As the session started, there was just an immense anointing over the entire room! During worship, I was clicking the slides and for the 1st time, I was doing something different & new but yet worshipping the same Lord Jesus! It was simply amazing! During the praying-over, I helped Martin Fernandez to support him as he prayed-over! In the room, I was just amazed at the healing that was taking place! After everyone was prayed-over, I went to Dom & Charles to ask them to pray over me! I started by sharing my struggles and then, I asked something of God that I had asked 4 years ago, at the very 1st yv retreat!

I challenged God to make his will take place in my life!

As they were praying over me, I realised something. During God's healing of me during the Sacrament of Reconciliation session, God took away my broken & wounded heart and replaced it with a hollow heart! God had to totally empty me! So as they were praying over me, God started placing his love & the gift of faith within my heart! He was filling that hollow heart with himself! He was filling my heart with the gifts of faith, wisdom & love that I needed for the journey that lay ahead for me! After they prayed over me, I just so much at peace and in union with Jesus! The session ended with silent adoration and then a beautiful time of a 'Victory praise' unto God! The night ended with a very beautiful time of sharing with my sharing group! It was just best way to end a very beautiful day!

Now, anyone will probably presume that since God had healed me so much at the retreat, the 3rd & final day of the YV retreat would be one where God would just use me to serve him! But as the saying goes, "we can never outdo God in generosity"! This saying is so true as the 3rd day of the yv retreat begins! As we headed to St. Ignatius Church for mass, we were all late and I was part of the last group that went to the church for mass! But although I was late, God continued to do what he had planned to tell me at mass!

During the readings of mass, Jesus spoke,

"I thirst!"

At first, when I heard this revelation, I instantly thought that since I am a huge admirer of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, it was just my imagination! So i told Jesus to intensify this revelation during mass, since the mass is where Jesus is most present! As soon as I said that to Jesus, the revelation intensified like never before in my heart. Jesus kept saying, "I thirst!" Soon, Jesus gave me a small feeling of the sorrow he felt in his heart! This was a sorrow of how Jesus felt when he saw each one of his children suffering from a lack of love in their own lives! It was then that I knew that this revelation was for me and that Jesus was blessing me with this deep & intimate sharing between us! At one point in our conversation, Jesus said, "My Son, I thirst for my Singapore youth! I thirst for their presence! Tell them to surrender their lives unto me so that they can be loved as they should, only then can they will live happily! Tell them to surrender their lives unto me, my Son!" As Jesus' thirst was immensely present in my heart, tears rolled down from my eyes and my heart cried out for him as I experienced the sorrow of Jesus!

After mass ended, we headed back to FMM retreat house to continue the retreat! After breakfast, Joshua gave us a session on 'Community building'. After he spoke for about 80 mins, he led us into a time of 'Community Reconciliation', through the act of washing each other's feet! This was yet another time of immense healing for me! For the longest time, maybe about 10 months, a fellow community member & I have been struggling with each other, although its a fact that has been known only within the 2 of our hearts! As much as we desired to reconcile with each other for the longest time, there was never an opportunity to reconcile in the way that God desired for it to be! For the both of us, this relationship between each other has caused the both of us to not be as real as we would like to be with each other and has also caused the both of us to have alot of brokenness! And it had been a few months already, when it was a session where I knew was just the perfect chance to reconcile with her. But when the reflection came, in my heart, I just struggled so much to forgive her. In my mind, I knew that I wanted to both seek forgiveness from her and also give forgiveness to her! I couldn't understand why I was feeling this immense difficulty to forgive, ut I knew that I was feeling that way in my heart. So as she was reconciling with someone else, I talked to 2 of my very trusted & close community members and after speaking to them for about 2 mins, they decided to just pray for me. After they concluded in prayer, she approached me to wash my feet & seek forgiveness!

And through our whole process of reconciling with each other, I really struggled so much like never before to forgive her. Jesus then spoke to me, "My Son, she is bondage and you have a chance to release her from that bondage by granting her forgiveness!" It took me awhile to forgive her but it was completely the Grace & Love of God that helped me to forgive me! In the end, it was a beautiful visual display of God's love!

Other than the love & grace of god, it was a phrase that was said to me by one of 2 very trusted & close community members taht prayed for me that made a huge difference that helped me forgive her! She said, "Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is an act! It was the final piece of healing that God needed to heal me of during this yv retreat! So I really thank that person for those words!

The retreat ended with the final session! I gave a 20 min sharing on what Jesus had shared with me at Mass earlier that morning, on the immense thirst of Jesus for each of us! The Holy Spirit then prompted me to get each of them to make a commitment to God! This commitment was to basically set time aside in their week/day for Jesus, depending on the busyness of their schedules and their spiritual needs. After they had thought of that, they came before the Cross of Jesusu to make that commitment to God! After that, we ended the retreat with the most amazing worship that I had ever experienced in my 8 years of being in ministry! Although it was a worship that I led, I would have to say without a an ounce of doubt in my heart, that there was only 1 worship leader, it was the Holy Spirit! The worship lasted 1hr 30mins, where we also prayed-over a community member that was only able to make it on the last day of the retreat! And yes, there was so much healing in everyone again! For me, it was a a time of worship that I just had so much fun and experienced so much joy as I witnessed God's healing & complete love being manifested during the worship. For me, in my own personal testimony of all that God had done for me at this YV retreat, it was just the perfect way to ensure this concrete testimony of God's healing & transformation within me! It was just the perfect end to the retreat that was just so amazing! It was a retreat where the vision of God had become a reality!

There is so much to praise god for! I wanna thank;

1) MSC: For very openly being available for us at the retreat! I thank you all for helping us things that some may see as so small but I see as so important! Thank you so much especially for leading us in our opening session & the 2 worships! Love you all very much! Really appreciate your efforts & love!

2) Alfred: For the session on 'intimacy with god'! Thank you for your very personal & intimate sharings!

3) Edwyn & Karen: Thank you both for giving us the session on the Sacrament of Reconciliation! I just want you'll to know how thankful I am to you both for putting time aside to give us that session although you'll have so many other commitments!

4) Joshua: Thank you so much brother! Your sharings & insights on community really helped us! You are just a gift from God unto each of us!

5) Dominic & team : I just cannot thank you all enough! Your team has been so pivotal in for a true God experience for each of us! We are so blest to have had you'll give us our night session! I personally thank God for all your guidance unto me! You'll inspire me everyday to be that light & love of Christ! Thank you once again!

6) Jeanette : Our very lovely adult advisor! You are a true reflection of God's faithfulness unto his people! Thank you for believing in each of us! I praise god for having you guide us and especially sticking with us all the way!

7) To all priests and all those who have helped us! Praise God for you!

I just give you all my praise O beautiful Lord Jesus! I feel so honoured to be in this community! I feel even more honoured to be called a Son of yours! I love you my jesus! I pray that I will forever treasure this YV retreat 2011!

Love you all, Youth Vineyard!

A call to Fall

2011-01-18T21:56:00.003+08:00

This may actually be a call that may be sound so weird to many people. We very often talk about the call to rise above who we think we are into the person that God calls us to be! In times of temptation with sin, we struggle with whether or not we are actually able to believe in what God is trying to do within each of us in the long term. We struggle because we have a very strong human tendency to pave the way that we think would be better. This can become so strong and eventually become a temptation that can be too hard to turn away from. It can also develop into something that is so strong that we fail to even realise that we have such a problem. I think that this is because of pride. Our pride grows each time we fail to come before the very feet of Jesus to surrender our everything unto his hands!

For me, this is what had happened to me. The only question is to what extent it had become. I realise only now that over the course of December, there was a call for me to fall. It means that it was a process where God had to strip me off everything that I had considered mine, whether realised or unrealised. I was in a pit so deep that I couldn't even identify it. I had a pride so big that I became my biggest obstacle for Jesus to take full control of my life. But even in such a situation, God would never at all give up on me. To God, I was too precious to be allowed to just waste all that he has blest me with in my life. And that's why he sent me someone, after a very long wait to explain where I had gone wrong in my discernment!

In my discernment, my love for Jesus became divided. Although there was an immense amount of growth through the great increase in prayer, this was a fact that I was totally blinded from. It was a fact that my very love for Jesus became divided. It meant that in a very unconscious way, the evil one was able to slowly take me away from Jesus or at least ensure that my love for Jesus wasn't undivided! In this process, God allowed this to happen because he knew I would become so much stronger. But the price for such strength to be attained would be a very painful phase where I would fall into temptation.

It was also through this process where God wanted to strip me off everything I had, to purify me even further! This is exactly what happened. In the month of December, I fell so badly. But it was a process that God wanted me to go through because it would serve to be a period of healing from my many excruciating experiences & feelings that continued to linger deep within me even after my discernment had ended. It was a deep scar deep within my heart! And even though I know that I might be able to lead someone else who had the same problem as me, back to God, I knew that there was nothing within me that could help my cause. The only thing I could do was to wait upon God as he prepared for my healing!

God did that exactly! What a joy it was when God did it also! It became even better when God used one of his beloved sons to explain everything to me. At that very moment on Saturday, everything started to make sense! It was only after this call to fall so terribly when it made sense! The discernment served to be a process to make me learn from my mistakes and become even better, wiser and much closer to the person that God desires for me to become eventually!

Sometimes, we don't understand why we go through certain experiences with God in life, especially when we actually are seeking God! But God loves each of us more than anything else in the world and he knows what lies ahead for you! God wants to give each of us certain strengths that require us to go through certain excruciating experiences, so that we will become better! Hence it is our call to trust him and surrender, even when it doesn't make any sense at all! This is the only way to denounce ourselves to pick up our crosses! This is the only way to denounce our pride and be moulded by the humility of God!

Oneness with God

2010-11-28T00:15:00.007+08:00

How can we ever underestimate this amazing God? This beautiful God is one that is full of surprises and one is just so intensely & amazingly in love who each of us. Today was a really beautiful for me as God surprised me in ways that has really surpassed my expectations. Today was a Day of a true witnessing of Pure Love! I was really in such awe, especially when God spoke out unto me,

"Today is a day that I have been prepared for you for a very long time! It is a day for me to renew you!"

This day started with the beautiful Sacrament of Matrimony between Iggy & Josie, who are 2 very good friends of mine. It was just so amazing as these were 2 people that desired for nothing else but Jesus! They are people that just radiate that love for Jesus that they have so much in their hearts. And for God to bring them together in Marriage is just a great testimony of the kind of plans that he has for each one of us if we only trust God! At the mass, I really experience the true purity of Love! I experienced so much of God at the mass that I felt that it was unfair for me to receive so much goodness!

The day got even better as I met another very close friend of mine that I haven't seen in a very long time and it was just so good to talk to her. It was none other that Elaine. I really wanna affirm Iwan & her for the very courageous & beautiful testimony that they shared at the AYD rally.

The day slowly got much better as God slowly shifted the focus of him in an even more direct way. It was actually during the ending worship for the Parish segment at SFX. It was during this moment when God spoke out to me and invited me to surrender a part of me that I'd been holding onto ever since my discernment ended. That part was my fear of who God had prepared for me in marriage. But God just called out to me and really explained also how this fear was the cause of many of my falls of late. This fear was the root cause of my failings & shortcomings. But I surrendered it as well as every part of me that was in the safe hands of Jesus! So I surrendered my all to Jesus! "Do as you will, My Lord" I said.

As always, the best is always reserved for the last! The AYD rally for me was one of the best youth rallies that I've ever participated! It was especially spectacular for me as the theme of the rally was on Purity! I guess that the rally made a huge impact for me because I came to witness whatever God had prepared for me and also that I came into the rally without any expectations. Well actually the only expectation was to receive Jesus in the way he had prepared for me to receive him. During the worship, there were many visions I had of me just standing before God in the heavens just singing praise unto God! For me, the rally just re-established the oneness God had with me! The rally just renewed the very fact that I am a child of God that is perfect in the eyes of the Holy One and also that I just immensely love by God. For me, the rally was just a time spent with God in heaven! There was just so much joy in my heart over the fact of this oneness with God!

My life belongs to you alone my Lord! My life doesn't even belong to me! It belongs to you, my Jesus! I really surrender my all unto you, even the areas of my life where I am not even aware that I have surrendered unto you. I just so madly in love you, my Jesus! And i just wanna be that living sacrifice for your great glory and honour! Please my lord, use me in whatever you call me to and in wherever you call me to! Let not even my limitations be an obstacle for you, my Jesus! You are my only way! Lord Jesus, I want to commit unto you to be pure & holy for you and also for the one that you continue to prepare for me! I pray too that you will lead her to green pastures! Lord Jesus, may I fall into even greater love with you and never ever stop falling deeper in Love with you! Increase my deep desire for you! Lead me to be a testimony for you to tell everyone that pure & perfect love does exist, as long as it is always rooted in you!

Use me, my Lord! Lead me more and more to your love & holiness! Continue to make me one with you!

Affirmations:

A great affirmation to both Josie & Iggy! May God bless your journey of Marriage ahead! Continue to be this amazing reflection of God's true & pure love for the world to see!

Another affirmation to both Iwan & Elaine for the most beautiful sharing I have ever heard! It was just so touching for me! You'll show to this world that forgiveness is possible if it is rooted in Christ! Great things only await you both!

Finally, an amazing affirmation to the Music team for the AYD rally! For me, you'll were just so so amazing! I would say that its been the best music team that I've ever heard play before! A true testimony of God presence in each of you! God is so proud of each of you! Praise God for offering yourself unto God!

A new chapter

2010-11-09T22:30:00.002+08:00

Today is the start of a new chapter. As it becomes the start of something new, it also marks the end of an experience that I've really come to treasure close to my heart. New chapters never fail to bring about an experience of both sides of the coin. It is always accompanied with both the negative & positive effects as new chapters to evolve in one's life. New chapters bring about both the excitement of what is to come but yet also accompanied with the memories of the past. The very thought that wanders as always, would be if what is to come in the future could ever meet the standards of the past. New chapters can bring about regret or absolute joy, but it really all depends on how we choose to look at it.

Yes, today marks the end to my 2-year long discernment. Its been really discernment for me. The very important point to take note is that when I say that the discernment has been amazing, I'm not saying that the discernment has been a sweet & rosy one. For those who know about my discernment would actually know what a painful experience its been for me. As I take a look at the past 2 years, I see how close Jesus has been to me. Jesus has really walked with me every step of the way, through the excruciating pain I felt in my heart and the countless times of silence I experienced from God and also the many times of joy that gave me reason to carry on. For me, this discernment has really helped me accelerate in my growth with God as well as a person. It has really helped me mature and understand the ways of God & the world too. It has surely the magnanimious difference between our beautiful God and this world. I will say that this has definitely made me much wiser. This discernment has especially brought me to great lengths. There are many times when those lengths were absolutely beyond me. But in those experiences, I was taught to learn what it truely meant to cling unto God with all I had. In very little ways, I experienced a small fraction of what Jesus had to endure on his road to Calvary, as I learnt to suffer for Jesus. There were many moments in the discernment that have been excruciating for me, especially when I had to refrain from telling the truth to certain people. And to all those people, I sincerely apologise for all those times. I really did all those acts in love for you because my heart broke so much to refrain from telling you the truth. I hope you forgive & understand me.

But all in all, there is just so much to praise God for this discernment. This experience is definitely one that I would never want to forget or ever regret. The outcome of this discernment is that I have discovered God's way of life for me, for I am called to the Vocation of Marriage. I do understand why God has called me to this way of life too as God gave me certain intense desires in my heart for the vocation of marriage. But I would that what i learnt the most was FAITH. Its a faith that knows no boundaries. A faith is rooted so deeply in the love of God.

This closure paves the way for another part of my Journey with Jesus to unfold. I'm as unaware as you are about the next part of my journey. This new chapter is one that requires much faith in God's plans for me. For me, today has been a day that has challenged me to move forward into this new chapter and to not keep dwelling on the experiences of the last chapter. In the course of today, I have struggled alot. But there is amazing evident invitation from God that moving into this new chapter is his desire & will for me. I praise God that he has made it clear unto me today!

As I wait upon the Lord, I place my entire life into his hands. For I know and am absolutely 100% sure that I'm just madly & insanely in love with Jesus. I would do anything & everything for this man of Jesus! For he is the only reason I live for and the only one I praise for the person I've become today. At the moment, I really don't know which girl he has set out for me, but I do know that God has taken care of that. So I surrender my worries about that into your hands, my Lord!

For those reading this post, I sincerely pray that you will place your life in the safe hands of Jesus. He loves you so much and will only do what he feels best for you. For Jesus, only the best to his standards will do for you. So take time out of your busy schedules and invest your time in God. He will lead you to trust in him and always be wary of the evil one preying on you always. Yet again, my best advice is to follow your heart. And if you are able to face God face-to-face and not feel embaressed about yourself as you speak to God, then you're on the right path. If not, then take time and let God change your life. For there is no situation/problem that is too big for God!

Praise you, O Jesus!

PS: Estelle, I had a beautiful day with you today! I didn't forget that! :)))

Truths within the heart

2010-10-10T17:03:00.004+08:00

There are certain truths within each of our hearts that remains with us for the longest time, even when we choose to make a conscious effort to erase those truths. But even with the greatest efforts, these truths still remain within our hearts. For many of us, these truths even go to the extend of building up foundations within our hearts too. It becomes so difficult when we see how these truths, accompanied with its foundations, start to weigh us down so much. Majority of the time, these truths have a direct relation to Love. These truths of Love sometimes never cease to exist due to the amount of effort we had once put in. For many of us, its a case where we had fallen head over heels for a particular someone in our lives, but of course, not all truths within our hearts are about that.

Over the past 10 weeks, ever since starting my NS at the Police Force, there have been 3 truths that have seemed to withstand and fight off the many influences & temptations of current state of my life in NS. For me, these truths always seem to be standing so strong, even when I feel distant from God. And I guess in many ways, its been these truths within my heart that has really helped me be convinced that God's hand continues to be working within me.

The 1st truth has been none other than this undeniable love for God that has stood to be ever so radiant in my heart. There has truely been so many times when my Love for God has been put to the test, especially in times when my many human temptations to be un-Christ-like almost got the better of me. The 2nd truth has been this intense desire in my heart to do God's holy will. This truth has been intensified to a very extreme extent where it sometimes even feel foreign as I am unable to comprehend why & how I have reached this state where I desire nothing else but God's holy will for me! I guess this desire is one of the fruits of my discernment. The 3rd truth is one that has really led to a mixture of emotions as there have been emotions of anger, resentment, joy, peace, love and so much more. This truth is directly related to my discernment and its what I call a 'rollercoaster truth'. Its a truth that has also left me wondering if its from God. But with each time I ask myself if its from God, I come to experience how strong this truth is. Its also a truth of which hasn't ceased to exist too, despite my numerous efforts to erase it. In faith, I claim this truth to be from God, due to the strength of this truth.

As I was reflecting about these 3 truths in the adoration room yesterday, I entered into a state of awe over how strong these truths remain to be. Over the reflection, I was led to both embrace & accept all 3 truths. For me, the only truth that I still struggle to embrace the most is the 3rd truth as it brings about alot of confusion. But deep within my heart, I am certain that God invites & challenges me to really embrace this truth. To a great extent, maybe this truth has stood off many influences & temptations for a reason and maybe there is an even greater reason for this truth to still remain there in my heart. As I continue to move forward in my search for God's will in my life, I find myself surrendering more and more of myself unto thy loving hands of God.

In conclusion, Truths that continue to stand strong in each of our hearts, amidst all the distractions & temptations, deserve to be looked upon and also invested. So if there are truths in your heart, especially about the past, that continue to remain despite your many efforts to erase it, take time to embrace those truths. It may be like in the case of as my 3rd truth, maybe God needs those truths to exist in your heart for you to be led to his plan & will for you.

Praise God!

The happenings

2010-09-19T17:17:00.003+08:00

There has been a recent realization that I've come to notice about myself over the past few weeks whenever I come out on the weekends. There just seems to be this incredibly immense & deep hunger to satisfy the love that my heart desires. Its also quite beautiful because for the first time in my life, there is a time limit for me to attend to these desires. During the weekends, my heart just cries out from the very moment I reach home. As I had time to reflect, another factor that has contributed to this immense hunger has been my discernment. And every time that I've made the effort to allow this desire to be met, there is an incredible explosion of joy deep within me. It feels like a meeting between my heart & Jesus himself.

And over the past few weeks, at least ever since I started my NS, the desire to experience God within me becomes magnified. I guess its become very interesting also for me, as my discernment reaches its 'crunch time'. My discernment is coming to an end when this year comes to a close. As that time draws nearer, there are alot of mixed emotions deep within me. There are emotions of intense excitement and on the other end, there are emotions of wondering if this is God's direction for me. And I guess this has been part of the reason for this immense hunger for this unconditional love of Jesus. As time passes on, there is this calling from God unto me to trust him no matter whatever his plan for me may be.

Just last sunday, I struggled with what was God's direction for me. There were so many questions in my heart. This became too overwhelming for me and I just went up to a very wise man of God, Brian Butler who was giving a whole of sessions for the AYD briefing. And as I spoke to him, he left me with these words,

"Jesus' love for each of us is always constant & unchanging. But his plan for us may change from time to time. Jesus has to bring us through certain paths in our lives, so that we will learn more & more about ourselves and his plan for us. We are all called to always allow Jesus to drive the car of our lives, without giving him directions as to where we are to go. We are called to just trust in him!"

And with these words, I was left in so much comfort. But as I move closer towards the end of my discernment, God is doing things very subtly through dreams, visions and also prophesies from those who pray over me. In my heart, I praise God for how interesting & dynamic of a life he has blest me with. I praise God for this calling to live a life of holiness.

Lord Jesus, I delight at how you have made me to be. I pray Lord that you will take my hand and hold it tightly as I come close to the end of this year-long discernment. In my heart, my Lord Jesus, I desire to do nothing else except your holy will. I know that your will is the best for me!

For I am the handmaid of the Lord, May it be done unto me according to thy word!

Reflection of the weekend: Cast aside all details of what is to happen. Just trust in me. All I want is you to trust me with your life!

The lingering reflection

2010-08-28T22:58:00.003+08:00

In the last 3 years of walking with Jesus with this immense level of intimacy, from time to time, I would have to say that there have been very few people that I have come encounter in my life that has been given the title of 'Blessedness'. In their very nature, there is nothing very fantastic about these people as individuals. But when the very essence of this beautiful Jesus comes into contact with these individuals, they become an icon for Jesus. They rise to such great heights that people who have come to experience their presence would just be in total awe. And when others who truely seek the will of God in their lives, come into contact with these individual, they just know that God has set apart these individuals for a very great reason. They just know that there is something very very special about these individuals.

Now these individuals haven't done anything to deserve such a calling to greatness. But rather, it is this amazing God that has called and chosen them to be set apart for him. These individuals are set apart for a reason that is not of this world, but rather they are set apart to bring change into this world. But one fact about these individuals is that they experience God at a level that is so immense that it becomes so revelational for them. But the twist is that this immense 'greatness' given unto them by God will be stripped away from them the moment they decide to not walk the path God has set before them. But the call of God is for these individuals to trust their entire lives in the hands of God and know that God is the one that will plan everything for them. The very interesting fact is that these individuals are only great because of Jesus! For without Jesus, they are absolutely nothing!

And for me, in the last 3 years of my life, I have seen a few of such individuals. And each time I come into contact with them, I live in that immense awe of how beautiful god is. For me, their entire being exclaims the beauty of God. I believe that God set them apart so that the world will see who God really is and know that God does exist. And of the many such individuals I've experienced, it becomes a very sad truth that some of them leave due to the intensity of God that they experience. But there have been some that walk the journey all the way and they showcase the very beauty of God through the lives that God has planned out for them. These unique people that have been set apart by God struggle with this constant dichotomy of which live to lead. There is a choice of a difficult path with God, filled with great levels of intensity and the other path which is much less in terms of intensity with God! The very question that runs through their minds always, is whether its going to be worth it.

And over the past 3 weeks, in the midst of serving my National Service, this has been the very question that's been running through my mind, "Is it worth fighting for?" For me, its coming very near to a stage where a decision has to be made. I know that within me, God has definitely set me apart for him. But I am not sure if I fall into the category of one of those individuals that I talked about earlier. Anyway its not really important if I fall into that category.

Each time, I pray in the morning and night, I am reminded of this call to not give in to the temptations of this world. But in my mind, this question never leaves. At this juncture of my life, I stand desiring for God more than ever. But there is this very evident tussle over me between world and God. The temptation of the world is to walk the path of God still, but not in the way that God has created me to be. On the other side, the call of God is a difficult one and I'm absolutely sure that its a path I will definitely choose over anything else. And in my heart this call is extremely evident each time I pray, but in my mind the other call of the world is evident.

Now the struggle is whether this call within my heart absolutely from God. And yes, this has everything to do with my discernment. This is intensified with the very fact that it is soon coming to an end and a decision must be made soon. But in the meantime, I stand here leaning towards this call of God. I know that God will be standing right beside me in this decision, especially if its a decision that he desires for me to fulfill. There lies deep within me alot of fear as to whether this call is from him. But with each time I ask for proof, there lies 7 months worth of proof that this is from God. And the very essence of God is found in the very reality of how much growth there has been.

Lord Jesus, I am awe of how much you have set me apart. And I praise for this wonder within me. Lord Jesus, lead me to do your will. May I be that extraordinary man for you. May I be courageous to do your will & desire for me, no matter what it is and what it takes! Take all of me, for I am absolutely nothing without you!

Dependence on God

2010-08-09T15:03:00.002+08:00

There have been many emotions within me throughout the process of my 1st week at the Police Force serving my NS. In the week, I had to go through alot of physical training, marching, alot of yelling from the instructors and ect. But in just so many ways, I feel so blest. Through each day, there was constantly this immense grace within the very depths of my heart to be totally dependent on my Mighty Lord Jesus.

On the very 1st day, quite amazingly, I was a little traumatized. It was really a culture shock for me, as I witnessed how human beings were degraded to an extremely low level. But throughout that day, God reveal in the midst of the intensity of everything about how there are so many people in the world that could only learn in a tough way like this. In the midst of my many struggles in understanding the reasons for the way the instructors used to speak to the trainees, God slowly revealed to me the reasons. Through each revelation from, it slowly became much better for me.

Quite incredibly, I actually slowly embraced the very essence of the yelling form the instructors. This process of embracing it, led me to really give the respect that the instructors truely deserved. The revelation that actually helped the most was when God said, "My son, they deserve your respect. After all, each one of them had gone through the exact same thing that you are going through at this moment!" From that instant of that revelation, with the pure grace of God, I just embraced the whole process of National Service. This is a grace that is totally from God and really nothing of me. For me, its really a testimony that when we desire to be dependent on God, everything is made to become so much easier & bearable.

Now, the blessings from God have been countless. I just have so much to praise God! I start off by really being thankful that my brother, James is so well known in the Police Force. In the simplest ways, that has been a blessing for me. Then comes the numerous times where I really couldn't endure the Physical training, but at every moment of such struggles, there is this amazingly distinct voice within my heart constantly cheering me on to not give up. Another very surprising blessing is how the grace of God had really led me to see God in each one of his creations, no matter what race or religion they may be, especially the muslims. It may be a sharing that many may dispute and disagree but I see so much of Jesus in them, especially our muslim brothers. For me, I have come to that understanding that none of us are perfect but there is always that essence of God in each of us because he created each of us. And when we make that effort to look beyond the faults of anyone (no matter what race or religion they may be), the grace of God to love them as a fellow creation of God is made easier and much more enjoyable.

At the moment, there seems to be alot of goodness from my NS experience. My prayer is that I continue to be totally dependent on God because I am just totally convince that it has been God that has carried me through and I know that it is that same God that will continue to carry me through this ongoing experience. At the moment, I will admit that although my life is very different, I am enjoy every second of it. I see that this process accompanied with the many challenges can only make me a better person.

With regards to my discernment, I still continue to listen to that very gentle voice of God as he leads me through this process. I also remember how the intense thoughts of the discernment were brought to light in my heart on my way walking home yesterday. At moment, I feel excited at where my whole life is headed because there is this very evident call to higher level of greatness from God. And that just brings about alot of excitement & joy. In many ways, the many tests of perseverance for my discernment in the earlier months, has made the process of NS alot easier. Thank you to everyone of your countless prayers too! I am so appreciative of it!

So Lord Jesus, I just praise you with all I have for the uncountless blessings you continue to pour out in my life. You alone deserve all praise. I am absolutely nothing without you. For you alone suffice.

Preparation takes you only so far, after that you have got to take a leap of faith!

New Phase begins

2010-08-03T07:26:00.002+08:00

Well today morning, I embark on this new phase of life as I begin my National Service (NS) at the Police Force. For many others, this would be a moment of the floodgates of struggles to start pouring out. But for me, at least for now, there is the immense excitement. The excitement lies in the very essence of the fact that here lies a huge challenge for me to really see God in the activities and the various kinds of people.

I know that alot awaits me and many people are worried for me. And I am hoping that I will be able to still have this sort of attitude throughout this next 2 years. And only time will tell. But on a brighter note, there is just so much to praise god for! I start by praising God for paving the way for me to serve at the Police force. And next, I really praise god for how blest I have been in just so many ways. And finally, I am just so touched & thankful for how many farewells I have had. And if I forgot to tell each one of you, I love you so much and feel so blest to have you as a friend.

But all in all, I see this phase as God's way of making me even better. But the biggest fear I have is with regards to my discernment. But I am sure that God will take care of everything. So please keep me in your prayers as I do the same for you!

Praise God and God Bless!

Choosing Heaven's ways

2010-07-20T15:07:00.004+08:00

Over the past few weeks, there has been this extremely real temptation of choosing the ways & tactics of the world. But I am so thankful that God gave me the strength & grace to choose the ways of heaven instead. And this temptation of choosing the ways of the world continues to exist within me but thank God it still remains to be a temptation. And for weeks, I had been struggling so much with this, and in so many ways, I just needed a reason to believe in 'Choosing Heaven's ways'. Although there was very little reason, I still continued to choose heaven's ways instead. But as usual, God has always got his ways to ensure that our efforts in creating a spark would surely become a fire. That small little spark has led to a very strong & intense fire that lies within me to choose heaven's ways now. Like many others, it was at the SFX youth night that was actually that opportunity for God to make my spark become a fire. And it was just so beautiful to me. It was in the smallest ways that allowed this to happen.

For me, the play really spoke to me as the message was about rejecting the ways of the world and choosing God as our ultimate foundation. But the climax point where God took total control of me was during the Eucharistic Adoration & the Final Worship. It was yet another moment of intimacy between God & I, where he just kept urging and encouraging me to continue in this discernment, no matter what happens. And in that very moment, I broke down in tears, due to how God had just met me at where I was. And it was a moment of true intimacy with my Lord Jesus. It was made even more special because of the intensity of emotions & experiences I have been going through. But in all things, my joy just came from the very fact that my sweet Lord Jesus had spoke to me. In simple words, he anointed my faithfulness to him & this discernment by making my spark in a beautiful fire.

Although there seems to be so much struggle in this discernment, I absolutely can't ignore the numerous amount of fruits that has been so evidently present, especially in this year of 2010. There has been just the right amount of reasons for me to continue moving forward in the discernment. And with every hurdle/struggle and reason to stop, there is a bigger reason to continue. There has always been a reason to continue. And one of the biggest fruits is how I have definitely been getting so much stronger throughout the course of this discernment.

And I think that so many of us have a very big misconception that the ways of heaven is happiness all the way. But for me, the ways of heaven is a tougher road, but its surely a more fulfilling road, without a doubt. Its a road that makes you so much stronger and a road that is definitely so much more exciting. Day after day, as I tell people of the experiences of God in my life, I always find them so intrigued at how exciting it all is. And for me, its a path I will always choose over anything/anyone else. Its a path worth taking. Its a path of 'Choosing Heaven's ways'!

My prayer is that, as you read this post, "Give God a chance to make your life extraordinary. Let God show you what you are truely worth because you have no idea how much you are worth to GOD. You are priceless! So give God a chance to make your entire life something worth living for. Start by giving a part of your life to him, but slowly give him everything. Let God make all your decisions. I stand here as a living testimony that God is the best one to make all your decisions, no matter how small or big a decision it may be! Just take a chance with God and choose Heaven's ways!"

Am I doing your will?

2010-07-05T12:37:00.004+08:00

This has the very same question that I've been asking God of late. There just seems to be so much goodness happening over the past month, with the Confirmation Camp & Altar Servers retreat. There constantly seems to be this extremely evident truth where God just uses me in ways that I, myself am totally amazed by.

Over the past 2 1/4 months, there seems to be so much anguish & pain in my heart. And the source of that immense pain comes from the very real truth of how much I miss Jesus. In my heart, there seems to be absolutely no sight of his face. There only seems to be a very real evidence of his work through me. Its like the very essence of Jesus is only heard of, when I pray-over people and also when i see & hear of testimonies & sharings of God's love within them. But at the very depths of my heart, there seems to be no sight & feel of Jesus there.

At the recent Confirmation Camp, which took place about 3 weeks ago, I was given the very humbling role of the Intercessory IC. And it was a role that I really struggled with because I knew in my heart that I wanted to do something more. But nonetheless, I knew that this was where God wanted & needed me to be, so I prayed for the grace to be humble and embrace this role. And I hope I have passed this test of Humility in the standards of God. Over the course of the camp, there were alot of emotions deep within me. And everything was really a test of how much I believed in God and not so much in the feelings.

This camp also was a time where God affirmed my gift of the 'Word of Wisdom'. As I was in the praying team for Group 11, I just felt so not prepared to be even part of the team. But the team wanted me to lead in the praying-over. And it was an even greater struggle to also lead the service team in a time of spiritual preparation for the night's praying-over session. This was a really difficult struggle because there was alot that had happened to me during the Reconciliation Session, which was the session before the night's praying-over session. For me, this role was really God's chance unto me to be humble. It was at the end of this session where I had broken down into tears like never before in my entire life. It all started when I entered the session room and just gazed at the cross of Jesus. The very real fact of how much I missed Jesus in my heart became so immense. .And this fact was also contributed by how my discernment had taken so much out of me. Soon tears flowed like never before and then, I decided to speak to a priest about this. And even as I spoke to him about it, I had trouble finishing my sentences because I was crying so terribly. But the advice he gave me was to keep serving God with all my heart and the other part of his advice was to keep staying close to Jesus. And after this emotional experience, came the spiritual preparation which I was leading. It was a great struggle because I had so much difficulty to stop the tears from flowing and so much struggle in control the emotions. But God had instill a great sense of faith I guess, which really sustained me for the Spiritual Preparation and the night's praying-over session. At the night session, while the praying-over, God had used my gift of Wisdom in a way I had never experienced before. And as I prayed over each youth, I knew the exact struggles of each one and also the instructions to be given to the Facilitators, of course they were all revealed by God. But it was after that night, when I finally embrace the gift of Wisdom that God had blest me with. It was also that night, where the fruits of my discernment had been poured out.

The way God used me continued at the Altar servers retreat too. God used me in so many ways to reach out to these very adorable young boys. It was so amazing to just see how these young boys came up to me one at a time on the 1st night's ministering session to be prayed with. It really showed unto me who God had made me to be. It was also very touching to see a whole room of about 70 young boys crying. For me, it was evidence that there would never be a barrier too big for God. It was at this retreat, when God underlined my value. God showed me that he would conquer any hurdles, only if we believe and trust. This retreat was just so fun for me.

At the end of this, there lies evidence of God's work through me still. But there is still no sight of Jesus. But what do I take to believe? There is so much evidence that God still works through me. But there is so much despair, anguish & pain within my pain from how much I miss Jesus and also the intensities of this Discernment. While this Discernment has brought so much fruits, it also brings about so much pain. My heart only desires to do God's will for me. But there is also this immense longing from the heart of God for me to continue in this Discernment.

I have struggled to embrace the ongoing intensities of this Discernment, which has really led me to run away from it for quite awhile. But there is this desire to return to face the intensities and also embrace them like the way Jesus embraced the intensity of his Cross!

Lord, my soul pines for you so much. My heart longs for your love like never before. There are so many emotions within me. But my Lord, if this is the way that I will have to take to attain your will & love, then let this continue. But grant me your grace to face & embrace all of it. I pray that you remove anything that is not of you in my heart. Though there is so much pain & anguish in my heart, my Lord, but my desire for you is even greater. And may my very small suffering bring joy to Jesus. I will love you my Jesus forever. This pain has made me love you with a greater depth. Praise you Jesus!

A true test of Faith

2010-06-07T12:37:00.003+08:00

This present experience of my ongoing discernment is one of a true test of Faith! Its one where the requirement of keeping myself spiritually fit is a must. It has become a must because the level of intensity that I'm facing now is so great that it could shatter me. Its an intensity that could either make or break me. And over the duration of this discernment, as much as I wonder & doubt whether this is truely God's plan for me, I have come to see the true power of God in my Life. I've come to experience a level of intensity within my heart that can become so excruciatingly painful in my heart, yet also have a union with God in the midst of that excruciating pain.

In the past, I have seen how much God has changed my life. But has only been in this discernment when I've seen how powerful God is when he works in the very small details in my life. And the largest area of Growth I have come to see in myself has been how the Fruits of the Holy Spirit has been even more evident in my life. And another area of extreme growth has been my ultimate Desire to do the Will of God.

There was a saying by this Redemptorist Priest, Fr. Bill Heng, of which I will never forget.

"If you cannot find anything worth dying for, then you will never find anything worth living for!"

And through the course of this Discernment, this is what I have come to find. All praise unto God yet again because he had initiated this process and made everything possible. My part was to just embrace what he was offering unto me. Praise God!

As I continue to move forward in my discernment, there still lies this immense union & peace in the depths of my heart, despite the excruciating pain in my heart due to the great intensity. Day by day, my desire to do the will of God in my life is becoming stronger. Although the road ahead is a long one, I depend on Jesus to carry me through this path of a True test of Faith.

Lord Jesus, walk with me in this discernment and carry me through the great intensities. Help to unite my sufferings, pains & joys with you on your Cross. Dearest Mama Mary, walk with me in this discernment. Help to be like you Mama Mary, never hesitating to do the will of God, no matter what the cost.

"I am the Handmaid of the Lord. May it be done unto me according to thy word!"

CHIJ-Toa Payoh

2010-05-26T21:33:00.003+08:00

Well at first glance; this may be quite a immense shocker for many who read the title of this post! But yes it is true that I'm doing a post of CHIJ-Toa Payoh. For those who don't know, of which I really highly doubt, CHIJ-Toa Payoh Primary & Secondary is a Catholic School in Singapore, founded by Blessed Nicholas Barre. The school's name may seem to be quite normal but this school is in no way at all normal, of course I mean this in a very positive way. It may even seem so extremely shocking for a guy to even write a post on an all-girls school. Hahaha! But I really am.

Over the past 3 weeks, I've been at CHIJ-Toa Payoh doing school missions for the Sec 2s & Sec3s. Actually, I've been doing these CHIJ-Toa Payoh school missions since last year. And I've also had the opportunity to be able to do School Missions with CHIJ St. Nicholas Secondary & Holy Innocents' Secondary. Basically, School Missions is a half-day program where sessions are conducted for the teens to help bond them together and also help instill a sense of awareness of the needs & problems of the modern world we live in. And alot of these sessions are centered around God. But God is known to be the one common God we all believe, so there are times when we ask the teens to actually pray in their own way to the God that they worship. So this is basically what is done at the School Missions.

But when I go to CHIJ-Toa Payoh, there is this immense spirit that is never felt when I go for school missions to other schools. And its a spirit that is definitely bonded by God. You know, there is just this amazing feeling that you feel as you enter the school and be with the students. Its a feeling that is rooted in genuine love. Even when the school missions are done, there are students of different races & religions that are bonded in the Love of God! And even we as a Mission Team, feel so excited when we go to CHIJ-Toa Payoh to do the School Missions. I would go even as far to say that, "To be in the compound of CHIJ-Toa Payoh, is to be in the presence of the unified God!"

Other than the awesome God-filled Spirit of this school, the students just amaze you with this awesome welcome that they so amazingly do. The students are able to really put on that love of Christ that our Catholic Church teaches us to do in our own everyday lives. I am not driving the point that the students of CHIJ-Toa Payoh are perfect. But what this school does the most is to drive the point that Love is the Most Important Thing in life, not just our studies.

As I reflect deeper into this point, I see how I would have absolutely loved to be a school like CHIJ-Toa Payoh. In my teen days, the essence of Love was missed ever so much. And being in an all-boys school, there was this immense absence of God. I don't think I would have even considered spending time in prayer during my recess or even waking up extra early to attend the morning prayer in the Chapel. But in this school, there are a handful of teachers that are the source of encouragement to the students to live out a God-centered life. And its these same handful of teachers that helps the students get through each day with the essence of God in their hearts. These handful of teachers are the 'Jesus' to each student, cheering them on both in their studies & their walk with God. Our modern world today is just in a great need for love to be expressed more. And the girls from CHIJ-Toa Payoh will be that model of God to this very cruel world! I mean its just so saddening to see how the women of today are being treated as such subjects in our world today. And its really schools like CHIJ-Toa Payoh that really helps these girls to keep their dignity!

I'm not saying that this is absolutely missing in the others school, But rather I'm saying that the presence of God is greater felt at CHIJ-Toa Payoh. Even the ones,who have graduated from this school, continue to possess the very values that this school teaches, its values of Compassion, Empathy & Love. And you just know when you meet a girl from this school, their personality will be their greatest evidence. But one thing to take note of is that the girls from this school can get quite crazy, but even their craziness could be quite a blessing unto you. These girls just know how to enjoy life in the way of heaven, but also know how to work hard in life.

And since I am called to the Vocation of Marriage, I not only hope, but I desire for my daughter/s to be in this school. At least in future, I know that even if I have failed as a Dad, I will be rest assured that my daughter/s will have another place to receive that immense Love of God! But surely that's not the only reason, because this school is really a gift from heaven! I will know that my future daughter/s will be in a safe place rooted in the Love of God!

May we learn something special from this school, it is really a gift from heaven unto us. How apt that today is the school's Founder's Day! Praise God for CHIJ-Toa Payoh and their constant efforts to promote love & unity in the midst of attaining an education!

PS: I wrote this post on my own accord. There was no one who asked or forced me to write this post. I really do feel so inspiried by what CHIJ-Toa Payoh has done & continues to strongly do.

Pentecost Outpouring

2010-05-23T21:55:00.005+08:00

Today has really be one of those really anointed days where the Sun seems to shine brighter than ever before and everyone around you seems to be angel sent from up above. As this Pentecost Sunday began, I absolutely no expectations from God. But within the very depths of my heart, there lay an immense knowing that God was really about to do something very very special, no just to me but also for YV. And true enough, this knowing became a reality.

The 9am mass was just so beautiful and so anointed. It really felt like the Spirit of God sweeping through the church as mass carried on. But it was at YV session where God just blew me away with his greatness. I was just so amazed at how God used each of the 5 worship songs to minister unto YV. Its really perfect when God plans it all out. And as I lead in worship, it really felt like the exact atmosphere more than 2000 years ago when the 1st Pentecost happened! After worship, we moved over to pray-over each other. I will really admit that there was just this immense power of the Holy Spirit. God had kept his promise to show up and to come in strength too. It was a session where even I too was ministered too, even as I was leading & playing for worship.

But the part that stood the most for me, was when I was prayed over by my community, led by Estelle. It was a moment where God had really just poured out his affirmations unto me. I was just so so humbled by what Estelle, Stephen, Clarice & the rest had to say. Its just one of those moments when all the affirmations came out at once. I personally felt very touched by what others thought of me and also how much people look up to me. Praise unto God.

I really praise for what this day has brought me. You made it possible! Can I call it a comeback? Well I will definitely call it that! Perfect Day for a comeback! I miss your sweet presence so much My Lord Jesus!

Affirmation that stood out: You are certainly a Man after God's own heart!

The Absence

2010-05-19T01:39:00.002+08:00

Its been a total of 49 days since my last blog post. The reason for this has been due to the lack & prayer & growth with God. In the past 49 days, I have been more free than ever to actually do many many blog posts. But every time I came close to blogging a post, I just couldn't come to express my current state of feelings into words. There just seemed to be so much regret, sadness & emptiness within me. This has been my current state over the last 49 days. For those who remember the post, "My Biggest Trial yet", well I am still in the midst of that trial. In my heart, it feels like a disease that seems incurable. Its like I am in a deep pit that I can't get out of.

As I compare & contrast between Lent & Easter, there seems to be an immense disappointment in me. I prayed everyday for the 40 days of Lent, but ever since Easter Sunday, I stopped praying every morning. It also feels like I've disappointed many many many people, as I could have been able to help them through many of their struggles, by leading them back to God or something. But in those moments, I couldn't even help myself to my feet, due to intensity of my struggles with my discernment. And the biggest regret is how much I've really disappointed God. I just come to the point where I've lost almost everything within my heart, especially the passion to be God's instrument.

There just seems like something has died within me. And that something is priceless and it can never be attained from this passing world. This something has everything to do with God and where he wants me to be. And to be very honest, I really don't know what God thinks of me at this moment, where I have not just fallen down but I've been such a disappointment to God. In my heart, there is just extreme emptiness and no love whatsoever. There just seems to be nothing good in my heart. There used to be so much love within me, but now there is just no love that exists within me. There are only memories of the good person that I used to be. There are only memories of how close I used to be with God!

It is only the faith that I still believe that tells me that God still loves me. But in my heart, I'm not sure if I still believe in that truth. Though this situation seems so devastating, the one good thing within my heart. My Desire to do the Will of God is even greater. Its greater like never before.

But as I reflect upon this good thing, I wonder if it is even a good thing, because if my life is in such shatters, doesn't it make sense that I'd want to do God's will? Lord I wish you would speak! I know you are here with me still. Although I know that I don't deserve to be in your presence! But I pray that you will speak!

Praise you O God still!

Absolute Surrender

2010-03-31T15:57:00.002+08:00

Over the course of this week, there have been much intense reflections that I've been in. The underlining reasons for these reflections have been majorly centered around this new invitation that God had expressed unto me. This was God's invitation to me at the end of the YMC retreat. This invitation came the night after God ministered to me directly. It was at the worship session on Sunday morning when God spoke out unto me,

"I want absolute surrender from you! I want everything of you! I want your life completely in my hands!"

I was actually quite shocked when I received this invitation from God. I had actually thought that I had already surrendered my life unto the safe hands of our Lord. Nevertheless, in that very moment of intimacy with God, I responded unto God's invitation,

"I am yours my Lord! I belong to me alone. Do unto me what you have planned! I give you my absolute surrender!"

In that very moment of my response, an immense union of God entered my heart. In that very moment, I knew that what lay ahead for me would be alot more intense & difficult. I just knew that within me, there would be a great deal of suffering and sacrifice that awaited me. As I embraced what lay ahead, as well as this absolute surrender, God's joy at my response just flowed like a river deep within my heart. This joy wasn't mine, but it was rather the Joy of God!

As worship was still on, the song 'Forever' was played and that's when the Joy of God was made aware unto everyone. I started to dance in the presence of God as this song was played. I had never ever seen myself worship God in this way. I was dancing & jumping in absolute joy! It was one of those experiences where you know it isn't you, but it was the Spirit of the Lord within me. So those who did see me, that was only a fraction of God's joy!! Hahaha!!!

Moving on, I had spent Sunday night reflecting upon this invitation of 'Absolute Surrender'. Initially, I thought that God was talking about my vocation of Marriage, but he wasn't. He was actually talking about my life after being married. He really wanted to stretch me so much more in marriage. Its the kind of Invitation that was extremely serious. But it was an invitation to be Christ's Love to this world. Over these past few days, God has also given me small opportunities to see if i still really wanted to give 'Absolute Surrender' unto God.

Praise God that I have managed to respond to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. But it really hasn't been easy for me. Each day continues to become more & more difficult but there is one thing that has kept me going. There is still this immense union I have constantly experienced within me. Since this week has started, I have been having alot more promptings from the Holy Spirit and they have been getting to be more stronger.

As I conclude this post, I praise God for this invitation because I know that the crosses that I have faced, am facing and am about to face becomes the measure of my love for my Lord Jesus. As you continue to prepare yourself for the Death & Resurrection of our Lord Jesus, take every cross as God's gift unto you. He gives you this cross because he knows how much stronger & wiser you will become from this cross. There will surely be pain & suffering. But in all moments of suffering & pain, unite yourself with Christ on his road to Calvary. Then you too, will rise with Jesus at Easter!

Lord Jesus, I give you Absolute Surrender! I am yours!

YMC Retreat

2010-03-29T17:04:00.004+08:00

This retreat becomes one of those retreats when God reveals his underlining purpose unto me for the past weeks' struggles and also explains himself not allowing these struggles to happen. It has been a retreat that I would have to admit that it has been the best SFX retreat I have ever attended. This has been the best SFX retreat in terms of receiving God and not in terms of serving God. It was a retreat where I really dreaded going for, but I went in obedience. This is a fact within the depths of my heart that no one knew of. And in many ways, I have given everyone a reason to believe that I was looking forward to this YMC retreat.

Throughout the whole process of the build-up to this retreat, I knew that God had just wanted me to get the youths excited because God promised that he would show up at the retreat and would grant the desires that lay within the hearts of the youths attending the retreat. Hence, I decided to do my part to facilitate an expectation to well up within the hearts of the youths. I really thank God for using me in this area before the start of the retreat.

But at the very start of the retreat, I just felt so extremely exhausted in my heart. It felt like there was nothing within my heart and also a cry to receive God lay deep within me too. Then I just told God a few moments before mass, "Lord, I'm tired". Thankfully, as the retreat started with evening mass, I just surrendered my physical & emotional tiredness unto God and asked God to use me as he pleased, as well as a request to be even more selfless to all those God would want me to minister to. After mass, I just felt a little bit better and I guess I just chose to neglect all forms of tiredness within my heart & body.

Throughout the whole retreat, there was this immense desire among the SFX youths to receive the Love of God and really experience a new level of intimacy with Jesus! The Holy Spirit just got stronger and stronger as the retreat progress. The worship was really so heavenly and in there was only 1 worship leader in all the worship sessions, 'The Holy Spirit'. At the second worship session, which was on Saturday morning, God revealed what was happening in the middle of that worship session. God revealed that hearts were rising up to the heavens towards God. And at that moment, I just knew that God had something special planned for all of these SFX youths. This was going to happen because they gave God the openness of their hearts and that was all God needed.

The night session was simply amazing. The Spirit was so strong and the river of God's unconditional Love was just waiting to be released unto these youths. The session was filled with hearts being touched & healed by the Love of God. As I was in a prayer team doing the praying-over, I too received God through the very witnessing of the conversion of the hearts I was praying over. And from each one, God captivated each heart with his love. Praise God.

And when my prayer team has finished with our last youth to be prayed-over, I thought that was how this night would end. But God had this amazing plan to minister to me. God had been waiting for this moment for 5 months. God knew the weight of the struggles that I was bearing. God knew that I had been doing many many things in the obedience of the Will of God. And as soon as my prayer team prayed-over the last youth, I went to a station where it was about the word 'Given'. As the rest of the youths were in the middle of worship, I just sat down at that station and about a min, I started to weep and cry. But I cuddled myself in a position where I lay head on my left knees. Hence, this made it difficult to see that I was weeping and crying.

In this moment, I explained to God about the immense pain I felt within my heart, as well as the difficulty of doing his will. I sat in that position for about 30 minutes. And for the 1st time in my life, God ministered to me directly. In this moment, there was no one else involved. It was a moment where God just embraced me in his arms and ministered to me. In many ways, the struggles had caused a need for my heart to be healed. And that was what God did for me in that moment, God healed me. This was a really intimate moment but I wouldn't say that it was a happy & joyful one. God just filled & healed me with his love again.

After this moment, I spent the next 40 minutes alone, walking in the silence of the night. I talked to God about everything and how I felt so unworthy of his plan for me. I also felt so weak. But God explained everything to me, accompanied with practical steps of what I would need to do. That moment when God ministered to me, God filled me with his love, of which would be sufficient to take me through all struggles. But God didn't take away the struggles. God made this fact very clear unto me during my walk with him. He said that he ministered to me because he knew that I needed to be ministered to, but he wasn't taking away the struggles, because those struggles are what I have to bear as the will of God unfolds unto my life. After all the alone time, I had a extremely long but beautiful conversation with Stephen until 4am. We had alot of fun with each other as we laughed and also shared about our experiences.

In conclusion, this retreat was one where it started of with my surrender unto God in obedience. But it ended with God ministering to me directly. Praise God for he has given me his love & strength to weather the upcoming storms. This retreat really just shows that God knows all that we are going through and he takes special notice of the things we do in obedience to his will. But in his time, he will feed us with his love & strength. We just got to have faith & trust that God knows what he is doing.

I will end of with a message that God has been reminding me of over the last 3 months,

"If I do my part and you do your part, then only will my plan for you reach its perfection!"

I Love you, my Jesus!!

The Will of God

2010-03-22T11:41:00.003+08:00

The Will of God has been one of the major reflections for me over the past 17 months. Its become a very real part of who I've become at the same time. But what is the will of God really? IS it something that is good? Is it something that brings joy into our hearts? Does the will of God for each of us really benefit us? Is the will of God good for each of us individually? What is the will of God?

For me, the discovery & execution of the will of God is the most painful process that any Child of God has to endure in this lifetime. There are so many elements that are required as the will of God enfolds in each of lives. But over my own discernment over the last 17 months, I come to a point to conclude that Patience & Trust is by far the major elements that I've come to not just learn & understand but also cultivate in my life. In the midst of cultivating these 2 elements into my life, there has been an immense magnitude of intense pain deep within my heart that I've experienced, where joy is very much short-lived. Though this doesn't give us a good reason to actually allow God's will to be lived out in us, there lays a much greater reason to actually live out God's will for each of us. The magnitude of the intense pain we feel within our hearts in the process of discovering & executing the will of God should never ever be compared to the immense joy & peace we will feel within our hearts when the will of God is done unto us! The magnitude of Joy & Peace we will experience is just too huge for us to even consider comparing.

But even before we reach that point of Joy & Peace within our hearts, there is an immense amount of suffering & pain that is required of us to experience. Over the last 17 months, I have come to experience so much pain and in many ways, my heart has been torn apart so many times, till it reaches a point where I become immune to suffering & pain deep within my heart. But although this may sound really sad that our Lord would allow such a thing to happen, there have been experiences of great sufferings that I would never ever regret. These sufferings have also brought much growth and I have been challenged to stick by the side of God, even when it didn't make any sense to do so.

But its really in the midst of intense sufferings where our faithfulness to God will truly be tested. It becomes easy to stick with God in the joyful & happy times but our true desire to belong to god is tested to a much larger extent in the midst of sufferings. But there also comes this immense satisfaction too of the very knowing that you had stuck with God in the midst of sufferings. For me, its those times of sticking with God, in the midst of sufferings where i really find this amazing grace to do God's will in my life. And sometimes, I, myself wonder how I have made it this far. But its really only because God's strength & grace was working within me, not my own strength. If it was my strength, I am absolutely sure that I would even last a day of suffering.

But what does the will of God do for us then? To me, I feel the will of God is the path of Life where God is absolutely sure that you will be the most happy in the long run. Many times, we struggle so much with the will of God, only because we just simply can't see it yet. But God, who has already planned it all, surely has the wisdom to see it. He knows that you will be so happy with that path of life. Over time, I have come to comprehend that God wants us to be loved & happy. That is his desire for every one of us, where or not we realise & believe in it. God wants the absolute best for each of us! We are just too precious to God, for him to give us 2nd best. God only wants the best for us. And this is what the will of God is for each of us!

Over the past few weeks, I have been in that state of intense pain & suffering deep within my heart. But yet again, I am challenged to have faith, trust & patience with the will of God for me. I am also comforted by the very fact that there will come that day when I will have that immense peace & joy in my heart when the will of God unfolds in my life. And I guess at this moment of sadness, I focus my mind, heart & soul on this fact.

But may we too draw closer to the heart of Jesus in the midst of discovering the will of God for each of us. And in all moments of intense pain & suffering within our hearts, may we just fix our hearts & eyes on that one day where we will experience that immense joy & peace within our hearts!

Lord Jesus, walk with us as we discover & execute God's will for us. Help us stick with God like you did on your road to Calvary.

My biggest trial yet

2010-03-18T13:20:00.005+08:00

Since the 3rd of January 2010, which was the same day as the Feast of the Epiphany of our Lord, I started this discernment of which appeared unto me in the form of a dream. It was a direction that really caught me off guard. It was a dream that God invited me to interpret but I kept procrastinating as I had so many fears deep within my heart.

But as I immersed myself in prayer, God spoke out unto me with these very comforting words.

"My Son, this is my heart's desire for you!"

And God soon gave me very strict & very practical instructions of what I was to do. And over the last 2 months, God has constantly been convincing me of this Plan that he has for me. And over the past few weeks, I spent alot of time reflecting about what I truly felt about this beautiful plan. Although this plan would require a great deal of pain to embrace within my heart, it was a plan that was absolutely perfect. It was a plan that was just so much of a revelation! It was a plan of God! It was a plan that I was in love with!

But over the past month, I've just been struggling so so much and also experiencing so much pain within my heart! And in many ways, the new dream come true book, 'Come be my light', has really helped me embrace each day of pain that God has blest me with. In the midst of this extreme struggle, God has spent much of his efforts on convincing me of why he desires this for me! And with each excuse I give unto him, God answers me with a much great reason to continue in spite of the immense pain that dwells deep within my heart! Also, God has also spent alot of time revealing how this plan will unfold, as well as the beautiful outcome of this plan. God has really been revealing so so much unto me! In many ways, God trusts me with his plan too. And the fruits of the Spirit have been my evidence too that this is of God!

For those who have been close to me over 2009, you would know what I have been discerning ever since Nov'08, but this is my biggest trial yet. This trial of this direction is really one of being totally immersed in the pain & sorrow of our Lord Jesus Christ! In many moments, I have cried out unto God that this path is totally beyond my capabilities. But in all those moments, God has assured me that it will be perfect and that his presence & grace will see me through every moment. I am taking this time to really discern this direction and being absolutely convinced that this is a plan of God and not mine!

As I take this direction, led by the Holy Spirit, I know my faith in God will be intensified like never before, just as it is said in St. Peter's letters. But I know this is God's desire for me! I know that this is my biggest trial yet but I am determined to surpass this trial with God as my strength & guide! I know that ultimately, God's desire is my true desire too!

Lord Jesus, be my guide to walk beside me! This plan of yours is perfect! Grant me a Spirit of Patience & a Spirit of absolute submissive faith in you! Praise you O Jesus in the heavens!

PS: Do keep me in prayer!

Sec 1 camp

2010-03-16T12:46:00.002+08:00

This is a really emotional & sentimental post for me. And for those who have known me for more than a year, you'll know where I was exactly a year ago. It was when I was having my holiday with God in sweet Perth, Australia. And over this month of March, God has really made full use of me, as well as my free time. It is really the best way to spend lent!

For every weekend in March, I'll be involved in a camp. the 1st weekend, I was at the SFX Core leaders' retreat, the 2nd weekend, I was involved in the Sec 1 camp, the 3rd weekend, I'll be involved as a worship leader for my friend's community retreat, the 4th weekend, I'm involved in the SFX youth ministry youth retreat. Then comes holy week, of which my community, the Youth Vineyard is leading. And finally, in the 2nd weekend of April, its Camp Daniel where I'm help the CAYC team to do sessions and whatever else that God calls me to do at the camp.

As I spent a few moments to reflect upon these camps that God has called to use me as his instrument, I am very much humbled of whom god has made me into. I am humbled that God has even considered using me to work in his Vineyard! There is just this constant joy in my heart of how God has blest me in his gifts unto me!

Over the past 2 months, I've been in this constant struggle of where God was leading me, especially in the area of my vocation. It has been this constant struggle day after day. But I praise God that his grace has seen me through all moments and especially the grace to be selfless with my time. There have been many many moments where I've ended up in this state of constant confusion. I'm sure we have all have many moments of confusion. But for me, I have been given the opportunity to really deal with these confusions.

But over this weekend, I've had the chance to spend alot of time being immersed in God's love through the simple worship done at the Sec 1 camp. And in each moment of prayer, God was constantly affirming me of the direction that I was taking in my walk with him. There was never ever a moment, in the midst of prayer, where there was an ounce of doubt that my discernment of the direction that God was leading me in wasn't the path of God! There just was this constant convincing that God was working within the very depths of my heart.

And this was the very words that God spoke to me during Mass at the Sec 1 camp.

"My Son, will you be a fool for me?"

This invitation from God speaks directly to the doubts I had been feeling over the past 2 months. And yet again, it is a moment when God comes to my aid! But surely that wasn't all of what God had planned for me over this weekend!

I was really touched by the Sec1s too. For me, the very defining fact that touched me was the sheer innocence & child-like faith of these young ones. And I just felt so priviledged to be their Facilitator and personally enjoyed being their Facilitator too. And the one learning point I experienced, was how its the very little acts of Love & Kindness that we do in the secret that really means the most to the children of God! And yes, I was totally surprised and affirmed by how the Sec 1s in my group felt so touched. For me, it was just the simplicity of the Sec 1 camp that touched my heart so much!

As I conclude this post, I see that it really such a blessing to be serving in the Lord's Vineyard! And I have really experienced so much more than what I thought. Its been only 2 camps out of 5 camps. But there just is an immense grace that God has been blessing me with. And there is joy and a different level to trust in God's plan for me, despite the many confusing thoughts & struggles. This time, I choose to look even more at the graces instead of the confusion & struggles, but not ignoring it! I'm just spending more of my time to reflect upon the graces instead of the struggles! I think it makes our journey a whole lot easier!

Try delighting in the simple gifts of God unto us, instead of you complaining about the weight of your struggles! Praise you O Jesus!

Why stifle the Youth?

2010-03-10T21:36:00.006+08:00

This has been a post that's long overdue. But its a reflection that's laid in the very depths of my heart ever since Nov'09, which was just after the Confirmation retreat had finished. And its something that our Church Leaders have grown to become so so guilty of. As I enter into reasoning for this, I see that it becomes part of our culture in the very world we live. And this is a culture where we limit the capabilities of the very ones that God has placed under our care!

For me, as I reflect upon this, this is a culture of the world where we underestimate the very strength of our wonderful Lord! This could very well be one where we become so afraid of mistakes to occur. It becomes a very sad truth that we, who have been called by name by our Lord Jesus, becomes the very people that limit the power of the one who has called us. But I think for us, as children of God who have been called to serve in the Vineyard of God may have come to a point where we become guilty of misusing the authority given unto his by the one who has the highest honour, Jesus Christ! We may have come to a point where we have felt inferior and even jealous to a particular youth or even a group of youth! Hence, we use our authority & influence to limit these youth due to the humanness within us that makes us feel jealous & inferior towards them. In this statement, I don't condone our humanness to have these feelings but I condone that we, after years of serving God, would choose to act upon these feelings, when instead, we should rather be seeking help from God to humble us and take away our pride. And for me, I think this has become a culture that has been spread to our church leaders, which has spread onto the people in Church we associate ourselves with.

We live in a culture where we become so guilty of limiting God and the wonder he can do in his people. In other words, we become God where we plan how & when & who will his power be manifested in! And time & again, our Lord Jesus constantly proves that He is the Lord of wonder & He is the source of grace! And the 1st thought of how God constantly amazes us, is at our camp, more specifically, at the night sessions! In these sessions, I can't help but just become amazed & in awe of our God! It is in those moments when God makes his power so evident. And the spirit of God becomes evident. For me, in those moments, I just delight because I am absolutely certain that Jesus will get the credit & praise of all that is good that happened, no matter what I was doing at that session, whether playing music, interceding or laying hands to pray over a child of God. Basically, the reality of God is made known!

But for so many of us, this very physical sign of the reality of God isn't enough for us, as leaders. We just tend to forget these moments so fast. Doesn't this seem just like in the times of Jesus, where the Pharisees & Scribes would always ask for signs & wonders from Jesus to prove that he is God! But even after Jesus had done those signs & wonders to prove himself to be the Son of God, they still doubted and didn't believe! For so many of us, we fail to live out our call to be the very vibrant & radiant light of christ. And hence, we limit our youth to be better than we could ever be!

For me, I have had the absolute pleasure & honour of both guiding and learning from 2 youths that God called me to be close to! In the midst of journeying with them, I have many times, been called to be like Jesus. I have been called to give myself completely, to be of complete service to them! In the midst of this giving, I found myself receiving so much more, especially when I gave of my heart instead of my mind! In the very end, I have witnessed 1st-hand, before my very eyes, someone rising to be greater than me! And I knew that this greatness came not from me, but from the very source of all genuine greatness, Our Lord Jesus! And time & again, I have seen how they have proven unto all those that have tried to limit them! And I have come to conclude that we can be either one that limits God or one that allows God to be more & more real in one's life!

But make no mistake, all praise is only due to the God that I love, my Lord Jesus! He provided the grace to be more powerful than my humanness! He even provided the grace to be his instrument to allow Jesus to more & more real in these 2 youth's lives! Praise be unto the Holy Name of Jesus! Youths are what we, as leaders need each day to inject that vibrant flavour into our lives! We need them as much as they need us! If you fail to embrace this fact, then its time you analyze your motive & reason for serving in the Lord's Vineyard!

May we not stifle the spiritualities & desires that our youth have in their hearts! May they be allowed to make mistakes and learn to pick themselves up! Our call as a follower of Christ, is to have the humility of Jesus, to be there to help pick them up and not make them feel smaller than us! Let us be like Jesus, always trying to maximize the capabilities of each of God's precious children, young or old!

Believe that God can work in anyone, not just in you! If Jesus could change you to be who you are today, then he could very well do that in someone else! So be an instrument of Jesus to make someone great in the name of Jesus, instead of stifling their desire for God! You would surely learn so much along the way too! And if you find yourself having too much pride, go to the source of humility, Jesus Christ!

Let us work together to stop limiting the power of God in this world and also stop stifling our YOUTH in our Church! Be guiders and not limiters in their desire for God!

Praise you, O Jesus!

Apart from me, you will bear no fruit

2010-03-03T21:28:00.002+08:00

Over the last couple of weeks, this has been a really evident message from God unto me! And its exactly been this very message that's been keeping me going in the midst a great deal of struggle. And it becomes a surprising fact that I can still remember exactly when God had revealed unto me this truth as a means to be a guidance whenever I was in doubt if I was on the right track towards God.

It was at during my uncle's 1 month anniversary mass, on the 13th of Jan'10 at the Church of our Lady Star of the Sea. And on that very evening, I was in a constant state of extreme confusion and I saw myself at the very feet of our Lord, pleading for his guidance. There had been a series of events that had lead to this confusion and in many ways the confusion wasn't within my control. But that evening, my heart longed to be in the presence of the Lord Jesus, desiring to just hear the voice of my Saviour or to even receive a sign that the direction I was heading towards was one of the Lord's path for me.

But this was the exact reply of our Lord to my plea,

"Apart from me, you will bear no fruit! This is your guide to know if you are on the path that I have set before you, my Son. Evaluate if the fruits of my Holy Spirit are presently evident in you! Use this as your guide, my Son!"

And in the many moments of confusion, since then, I have been using this guide to determine if I was on the right track and in the direction to fulfill God's plan & will for me in my walk with him. And I feel deep down in my heart, this is one guide that each one of us can use to gauge if we are on the right track with God!

And its really especially so helpful in times where we have so many questions left wandering in our hearts & minds. God will for us to be happy and at peace! So take this guide. But 1 important point that is so so essential in the usage of this guide is to be perfectly honest with yourself as you evaluate if the Fruits of the Holy Spirit are evident within you.

Let us stop allowing the evil one to lead us into constant moments of confusions that brings away from receiving the Love of Christ in its full form!

PS: The Fruits of the Holy Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control & Long-suffering!

Intensity of the Desert begins

2010-03-01T13:39:00.003+08:00

The intensity of this journey in the desert has entered the very depths of my heart during this weekend that's just passed. It becomes a moment where I am lost in the very desert of my soul that I have chosen to embark upon this lent. Even as i type this post, there lies in me, this intense fear that has the power to overcome me if I choose to allow it to. But there also lies this strength & faith in me that is rooted from the very heart of Jesus. And I am left stranded in this desert to choose to abide to these 2 forces that lie within me.

Before I made a decision to embark upon my lent journey in the desert, Jesus warned and explained to me of the intensities that I would experience in the desert, where faith is a major essential as it will be my faith rooted in Jesus which will lead me through the desert. And knowing this in its full extent, I chose to take this journey, with the knowledge that God will be with me.

And over the 1st 10 days, I have been filled with the grace of God. Those 10 days served to be the time that I took to settle in the desert. It was really one of simple joy where everything has been straight-forward and simple. But this is when the real intensity begins. It started on the evening of Saturday, where a great amount of pain within my heart became evident. It wasn't the 1st time that this has happened.

But on Saturday, at Mass, I asked Jesus,

"Let me bear your sufferings this Lent. I want to do this for you because my heart belongs to you! You have blessed me with so much but now I want to suffer for you and with you!"

And as I reflect upon this, I realised that God knew I was going to do this all along. He knew that I was aware of the fact that for me to enter into the joy of the next phase of my walk with him, I needed to experience the magnitude of sufferings that was equal to the magnitude of joy I'd experience in time to come. And its become much more intense ever since Saturday.

Over this time, I've struggled to embrace this intense pain within my heart. But Prayer has been so instrumental towards embracing this pain. I wasn't really able to sleep much last night, due to the intensity of this pain. And in many of those moments, I was left in tears, alone in my bed. But it is a moment where there's no turning back and I have embraced & accepted it! And I think what had really sustained me, is the knowledge of the fact that God is in total control. In this moment, to give you a better idea of what I am saying, is that I feel lost in the desert of my soul! And I only have my faith in Jesus to give me a direction to find my way back.

This has been God's message unto me,

"This is not beyond your capacity! Just trust me, my Son!"

I request you to keep me in your prayers!

Lord Jesus, I am lost in the very desert that you embarked upon! But Lord, I place my life in the palm of your safe hands. Take me to the unknown! For if I have you, my God, I will want for nothing. For you alone suffice.

Embrace your Nervousness

2010-02-22T20:20:00.004+08:00

There just lies this huge amount of pressure upon me throughout this whole process of studying for my final exams! And in many ways, its being the exams for my last semester really just adds onto the pressure of doing much better this time. I am fully aware that the pressure isn't the same compared to previous poly exams.

And it enters this state of confusion when I start to think about who is placing this pressure upon me! I am most certain that it isn't God at all! And I guess I have been placing too much pressure on myself to perform even better as its the very last set of exams in poly! And as weird as it is, its funny how its reached this point. Its so seldom that I place pressure on myself to perform but I guess its something that has happened!

Its really not been a walk in the park this time. I constantly find myself getting angry & frustrated with myself for not being able to remember the content that I need to remember! And one of the toughest parts of this experience is not being convinced that I've done enough! Its that feeling where you know you have studied everything but you aren't convinced yourself! And I guess this has been a reason for the many frustrations! With the 1st of the 2 exams starting tomorrow, an increased amount of nervousness sets in!

Another load of nervousness entered today when a very late realisation was made this afternoon. All the while, I had the idea that my Instrumentation exam was on Tuesday and my Automation exam on Wednesday! But when I doubled-checked it this afternoon, it was the opposite. And I started to freak out! And after studying and studying, I knew that God would be essential in the midst of a total mess!

As I entered church, feelings of whether I would mess up my exams started to really overwhelm me and more nervousness entered my heart! But as mass began, I just surrender everything into the trustworthy hands of Jesus! And throughout the mass, I just felt very strongly about this message, "My Son, embrace your nervousness! And make it part of you" And as soon as I started to try to embrace it, I felt this great grace of God flowing in my heart! Its like the confidence of heaven came down upon you!

And God said, "Just do your best, my son! You know that I'm always with you! Let me work my wonders! Just have faith as always!"

And so I'm just going to have a real go at it whether my heart feels ready or not because my God is ready to do wonders for me over the next 2 days of exams! And he grants me a faith that will move mountains!

Lead me, Lord Jesus! You are always my Rock, both in the good & bad times!

PS: Please please do keep me in prayer! My exams are on the 23rd Feb @ 9.30am & 24th Feb @ 2.30pm!

40-day Lent Journey in the Desert

2010-02-19T16:52:00.004+08:00

This is the journey that I've decided upon this Lent. It was an idea that I had over the last few weeks leading up to the start of Lent! The idea actually came from how Jesus himself spent 40 days/nights in the desert praying and fasting. And as I asked God about the idea, he approved of it as it was a way for God to take me to the unknown and more importantly, Refine me!

This 40-day Journey with God in the desert, is really one where my heart is taken into a depth of great intensity with God! And as I reflect upon what lies ahead for me over this lent, a great deal of excitement burst out in my heart. But God has made it very clear that entering the desert with him isn't going to be easy at all, and in fact its going to be one of dryness and suffering too. But its really so awesome to see how God continues to mould me into the one he desires me to become! In many ways, its also an investment in God yet again. Last year, it was sweet sweet aussie for lent!

But this journey is really one of intense silent prayer mostly, where each day starts with an hour of prayer in the morning! And over the last 3 days, I'd say its been tough but really good. As God has said that the 1st week is about settling into the spirit of the desert! So its surely going to be a blessed experience!

But I am really excited over what God is going to show me in the desert over these 40 days! So instead of doing something dull, make a commitment and grow deeper with God this lent!

And on the side of my sacrifice for Lent, I have decided to give my Ipod to Stephen for lent! So I don't cheat on my sacrifice for lent!

Take this Lent not as one of suffering, but rather allow God to take you to a place where you've never been! Maybe allow Jesus to be a more real person to you! Jesus desires that we receive him. Allow Jesus to reveal himself to you this Lent! He has great plans for you! All he needs is for you to be available and open!!!

Praise the Blessed Cross of Jesus!

PS: Please do keep me in prayer on the 23/24 Feb! It is my final exams in Poly! And its not easy at all! Thanks!

Familiarity breeds Contempt

2010-02-04T13:50:00.006+08:00

This was a statement made during his sermon at the evening mass at SFX by our parish priest, Fr John Bosco. It was based on the Gospel of yesterday, Mark 1:1-6. It was a passage that spoke about how the people of the town from where Jesus was, just couldn't accept that Jesus was so wise and could do such amazing miracles. And Fr John Bosco spoke about how his own friends found it so difficult to accept his desire to become a priest when he spoke to them about it before entering the Seminary. And he shared about how so many of his friends laughed at him, as they knew the bad sides of him.

But as I too reflect on the passage, there are a few testimonies that Faith becomes the key to everything that is from God. In verse 5 of the passage, it says that Jesus could not do any miracles in his hometown and that he could only lay hands on a few sick people and healed them. But for me, this verse speaks volumes about how important faith is when it comes to miracles. For so many of us, we stifle our minds to see people working miracles as the great ones and neglect the actual reasons for these people to be able to do such wonders. Simply, we fail to see the Sources of miracles, God!

And as I reflect on the statement made by Fr John Bosco, there seems to be such an extreme truth in this statement. Familiarity breeds Contempt in ways that we ourselves underestimate to a very large extent. And of late, I was listening to a friend who've been struggling with peers who aren't able to accept the more Christ-centered person my friend is becoming. And in the midst of these struggles, feelings of jealousy arose in the hearts of the peers. It becomes an extremely sad truth of the kind of world we live in. But in many ways this is exactly what happened in time of Jesus!

And as I go deeper into this reflect, I see that there are a few choices we have as we take the place of the peers. We have the choice of allowing our hearts to embrace the person that we see in front of us and get jealous of who this person is becoming. But to these choices, many would head forward to ask, "Aren't we all human to feel this way?" And the next point would help us realise that it isn't the feelings that make us become someone not of Christ, but rather, its our response towards these feelings. Temptation isn't a sin! But when we choose to act upon the temptation & conform to what the evil one wants, then that leads us into sin.

And as I reflect upon the way friendships are based in today's world. I realise that it is possible to choose that first option to allow our hearts to embrace the person that God is forming in front of us! I am so blessed that God has granted me such a friendship where I am able to not only embrace, but also affirm and praise the person that is reaching greatness founded in Jesus Christ! And I am thankful that they can do the same for me! But the real reason for this wonder is that this friendship is rooted in the very Unconditional Love of Jesus & Prayer! And if we actually take this guide to build our friendships on the Unconditional Love of Jesus & Prayer, after awhile, it becomes an impulse & something so natural for all of us to embrace the greatness within our friends! And soon feelings of jealousy will be minimized to such a large extent! Even if feelings that aren't from God are present, we have the perfect solution! Start praying for the grace to embrace instead of being jealous!

And as I enter my last point of reflection, I look to the ever so famous St. Paul for the perfect example as the one that rose so high and became so great! But the best part is that he knew that his greatness was founded in Christ Jesus and we all know how he never stopped praising the name of Jesus! And if you find yourself being ridiculed for who our Lord Jesus is forming you to become, look to St. Paul for inspiration! Don't allow this world or your peers or anyone stifle the person Jesus DESIRES you to become! Greater things are still to be done in you!

Lastly, the best way to define if one's greatness is founded in Christ Jesus, start by paying very close attention to how much praise this person gives to Jesus Christ and whether he/she claims any credit for himself/herself! If this person gives all praise unto God and never takes anything for himself/herself, embrace this greatness you see in this person! You may also see the weaknesses in this person, but just wait because God will turn those weaknesses into strengths!

May we start embracing the beautiful people God blesses us with and also starting humbling ourselves to learn from this people! These are the ones that have been chosen by God to be set apart for his glory and for this world to learn from! I'm sure there are many many St. Pauls (male & female) amongst us and it could be one of our friends!

Let's allow, "Familiarity to breed Admiration & Love" instead!

Praise God!

A dream come true

2010-02-01T20:19:00.002+08:00

For 7 years, this has been a dream for me - to be an owner of the book, "Come be my light", which talks about Blessed Mother Theresa's 40 years spiritual darkness. And for the past 7 years, the closest I came to, was to only dream about having this book. This was because, everytime I had the finances to purchase this, I'd forget to but the book. And everytime, my heart longed for this beautiful book, it would be a moment where there was too much stuff that my finances to had to proceed to. But as I reflect deeper into this, I realise that it wasn't about the price of the book. But rather it was the longing of my heart & soul that just laid as a secret and to a very large extent, God only knew about this longing. Its something that wasn't even aware to me.

But this realisation was made so aware when I received this absolutely PRICELESS gift from an angel whom I'd say knows my heart the most. And in a very worldly sense, it may seem like a very normal & simple gift. But this becomes a moment where my heart just bursts out into rejoicing being so blessed & humbled to receive this gift. Its a feeling that I, myself find so difficult to express in words. But its such a heavenly feeling!

Well it all started after 9am mass when this angel passed me my birthday present which I was totally taken aback by, because this angel had already given me a birthday present. But this was only the start of how beautiful this sunday morning would turn out to be! And thank God that this angel told me to open the present before session started. And as I read this angel's birthday card to me, my heart was filled with very humbling love resting within me! And as I read it even more, I felt so humbled & in awe of what this angel thought of me! But then I headed to the lift area at the 2nd floor of the parish centre, where I was alone.

And as I opened the present, I couldn't believe what was in my hands. It was a book that I could only dream about and the closest I came, was to actually hold the book at read what was on the covers! It really meant the world for me to hold this beautiful book in my hands! And it really was a moment where my heart felt so touched & in awe of God and this angel! And it really just means so much to me! And I'd say that this gift is the greatest & best gift I've ever received in my 22 years of life! And i mean it from the very depths of my heart! Its a gift that speaks so much of my heart and soul!

And its really makes my heart get to a great level of excitement when I read it. You can surely expect some post on this book I've started reading today!

Praise be unto God who knows me so well. I pray that this angel will receive the Love of God and also be so aware of how proud Jesus is of this angel! I pray that God grants you the desires of your heart and that he will lead you to perfect peace as you search to discover and do his will for you in your life!

YV Retreat 2010

2010-01-29T14:30:00.004+08:00

This becomes one of those moments where you just become so in awe of God and just how perfect his plan is for us as his children! The YV retreat is one that I'll always hold so close to my heart and its not just the retreat but the Youth Vineyard community in particular. But with everything that we hold close to our hearts, there lies a history and behind that history, there lies a LOVE!

Just 2 and a 1/2 years ago, in June 2007, YV had our very 1st retreat and it was in a time when I came back to church after being MIA (missing in action) for 6 months. But it was at that very retreat when God himself called me back into his loving arms. And I will hold that retreat and YV extremely close to my heart because God used them & the retreat to pave the way for me to come back. And I remember everything about the retreat. I especially remember the very first time that I felt so incredibly wholesome when the Love of God entered my heart. And as I tell everyone, that was the defining moment that changed my life!

But this time, at our YV retreat in 2010, its so funny how God makes his plan so perfect, although we think we have screwed up his plan with our mistakes. I am still in awe and humbled by the very fact that I was part of the planning team for this YV retreat. And as promised, I knew that this retreat would be one of great intensity. For me, as I planned the retreat together with the core, my aim was to really intensify our journey with God. I felt that the one element we all lacked the most, was having intimacy with God. And so this YV retreat was aimed to facilitate that process. And as the retreat drew near, God placed an real excitement in my heart! It felt so awesome as it was like something huge was going to happen!

And of course, God kept his promise! At the retreat, there was the really immense desire for God that was within the hearts of all the YV memebers that were at the retreat! And then I just said to God, "Oh boy, they are in for a surprise if they desire for God this much!"

Throughout the retreat, I have a real beautiful opportunity to really see teh fruits of God's promise to me 2 years ago. For the 1st time, YV was a God-desiring community! In my heart, I just rejoiced and delighted in this fact! And my sharing group of Justin, Julia, Oliver & Estelle were so inspiring. Each one of them just amazed me so much. And it wasn't just what they shared that really amazed me, but it was rather, the genuinity of their hearts that was so evident in their sharing. And it was just so God-centered!

As the retreat progress towards its climax, at the night session, where my beloved YAM so generously came to do the session for us. And we shall not forget that they travelled from the east to the west to reach the retreat place. They are just so selfless, just like Jesus! But the night session was really amazing for me! And sury also mentioned to me about the hunger & desire for God that he felt among everyone. But I believe that those who were really open to what God had planned for them that night, had a real surprise from God and the immense Love of God too!

For me, as Sury & Eugene prayed over me, God's message to me was,

"None of the trials which have come upon you is more than a human being can stand. You can trust that God will not let you be put to the test beyond your strength, but with any trial will also provide a way out by enabling you to put up with it."

1 Corinthians 10:13

And this passage was just exactly what I needed to hear because I went into the retreat needing an assurance that I was on the right track with God! And when I received it, I felt very much at peace and I guess it was the simplicity of the message that made it so amazing! And after that, came a very defining moment for me as I took the courage to wash the feet of Estelle. And that for me was so important, after all that had happened between us. But it was a really special moment and there was this real anointing that was so evidently present. And that night really defined how perfect God's plan is for us.

And when I though it ended, my group had yet another amazing sharing and after the sharing, God prompted me to enter into a time of prayer to pray for each other. And my oh my, we spent a whole hour in prayer and it was just so amazing and beautiful. After which, we spent time to pray for healing for a person in our group. And it was so wonderful for that person too. The person was really healed of all the person had gone through in the past. And night ended with our group just having a crazy supper by ourselves!

The next day started with morning mass @ St. Mary of the Angels Church. After which, I started to get very nervous about leading in worship. But the worship was so so beautiful. The intensity of worship was really brought to another level for YV. Especially in the song of which I'd say is the most anointed P&W song for me ever, 'How great is our God'! At that song, the whole community raised our hands in worship and it was a sight that would surely bring dancing in the heavens!After our lunch, Estelle & I planned to pray with Stephen and yet again it was such a beautiful time of prayer. And finally the retreat ended with a very touching time of community sharing and not forgetting the community praying for one another.

For me, this retreat was one where God brought this community to another level of intimacy with him! But this happened because we had that desire for God! And what I learnt the most at this retreat is the real power of calling upon God & his Holy Spirit in prayer. At this retreat, I really learnt the power of prayer yet again and the authority we have when we come in the Name of Jesus! At this retreat, I really saw many crying like never before and many broken & wounded hearts being healed. But the outstanding revelation in truth was God bring the Youth Vineyard Community to another level and in many ways, this underlines how this community will enter the next 5 years as we celebrate our 5th year anniversary!

Praise be unto God alone and no one else!

The Great Testing

2010-01-13T21:38:00.007+08:00

"The more you draw closer to God, the more the devil will attack you!"

This fact has served to be so true for me over the last 3 weeks. And throughout the process over this time, I just couldn't understand what God was trying to do. And in this time, I never became so angry with God. But in time, God revealed everything unto me. God explained every essence of suffering!

For my whole life, the 11th of January is one day in the year that I always look forward to and its a day that I probably hold the closest to my heart! Its a day my heart desires to really rejoice for this is the day that our great God breathed life into me! And it serves to be a day that I see as special for me and will continue to remain as special to me! And maybe to a certain extent, I'd say that its sacred to me! But as the years progressed on for me, God played a much bigger role for me in the events that happened throughout this very day! As the years progressed, my heart desired simplicity on this day! I desired to delight in the very simple things, like a meal & conversation with people I love! For me, I seemed to desire these things more than those fancy & extravagant meals!

But this 22nd birthday will serve to one immense pain for me! Its quite the story I'd say! For me, at a very human level, I'll conclude that it was a day which didn't meet my expectations except for 4 hours that God chose to bless with an angel I love! The angel knows who she is! As I reflect upon the happenings of that day, I'd say that it was filled with the very simple things with God always accompanying me. As I look deeper into the turning point for that day, I'd say that it was when I became selfish in my way, expecting too much! Everything turned so sour when I got angry over the ones I loved so much. And as I look back, I regret my selfish & inconsiderate actions so much. In those moments, I became someone that I too never what to become. But it was also a time that made me understand how much more awesome God's unconditional love is for us.

But the extremely brave angel of God never gave up on me. The angel did something no one on this would do. The angel took courage to bear and put up with all my crude comments, which I'd say was so much of the devil. And those moments, it was so evident that the devil was in me! But this angel sent by God alone, calmed me down after an hour of conversation. And just like Jesus, this angel became poor for my sake, so that I will be rich in grace & joy! For me, I conclude that on my 22nd Birthday, this angel saved my birthday and so much more.

But 6 days after this experience, my uncle had passed away after battling cancer for 5 years. Praise God that he finished the race to return to his home in heaven! But when this happened, it became to much for me to bear. At this point, I felt dead. My heart was dead for sure. It became an experience that I felt was just pushing me of the cliff! But it was so much the loss of my uncle that caused me to feel this way. It contributed to it though. I felt so much pain within my soul & heart over what was being placed before me!

At Justin's 21st birthday, when i heard the news about his passing in the midst of his party, I just went down alone. And in the middle of orchard road, I wept and cried so much as I found it too much to carry on! But after awhile, I just felt that I didn't want to spoil Justin's 21st birthday party celebrations. But throughout the party, I chose to be by myself as I really didn't want to tell anyone about the news so as to not spoil or dampen the moods.

The next day, Sunday was the final spiritual preparations for our YV retreat. During the 9am mass, I managed to hold myself together. But as soon as the mass ended and most of the people left the church, I cried like never before. It last for about 10 minutes and the pain just became too much for me. Soon after, I had to prepare for session. And yet another surprise happened. For the very first time in my life, during the YV session, I cried in front of people. And this really became the most sorrowful & painful experience for me! Praise God for Gabriel from YV who did the little things to assure me that I was not alone!

At this point, I didn't really know what to do, but somewhere in the very depths of my heart, I knew that God was in control and that as long as I don't try to run away from this, I will return to where God intends for me to be!

And over the next few day, I felt lost like never before. I felt like a infant. I felt so scared and afraid! But God instructed me to take very very small steps. All the wisdom that God blessed me with, became so absent. I couldn't help anyone because I couldn't even help myself. I really felt like a baby trying to walk again! But I really praise god still as a Spirit of Patience was bestowed upon me! And as the YV retreat drew nearer, I knew that God would explain in time!

The retreat was so amazing! It was the little things that made the difference! I would be doing another post on it! But it was during confessions that God explained everything for me!

God said this to me through the priest,

"The devil has attacked your relationship with God!"

This answered everything for me! And its so so true. The devil had been trying so hard to get to me! And before the last 3 weeks, everytime the devil tempted me, I'd so strongly say, "Be gone devil. You're not wanted here!" And then over the last 3 weeks, I am sure that the devil attacked the very source of who moulds me to be! The devil attacked my relationship with God! And then everything made so much sense! He knew that my birthday was the best way to begin this attack. The devil wanted to use the experiences from my birthday as well as my uncle's passing to blame it on the source of where my love exist! God! And it worked because I allowed it to work! But as I look back, I realise that those experiences have only made me stronger as I know that we should never underestimate the prowls of the devil!

But I ask myself this, where was God in all this? God was defending me, but it was I that chose the evil one! And Daddy God, I'm so sorry for doing such a thing! I praise you O God for forgiving me! And Lord Jesus, I thank you for really humbling me through these experiences to realise how I am nothing without you! Only you have made me into the person that people look up to! I am where I am because of you! I'm really nothing without you!

As I move forward in my journey with Jesus, I move into a step to be more immersed in consistent prayer!

As God said to me,

"I have allowed this to happen to you because I am now fine tuning you into a more loving son for this world to experience!

Thank you Estelle Marianne Bridgette Goh for being that brave angel of God to me! I really do admire the courage you have!

Job 2:10

If we take joy from God, can we not take suffering too?

The Fight

2010-01-01T18:04:00.008+08:00

There lies in us a Greatness that we never really come to grasp and understand! But we never even come close to understand this if we aren't in that intimacy with God! That gift of the glorious relationship with God that will set us free! Over the year of 2009, I've seen & witnessed a great amount of youths that never really understand the meaning & value of the being in a intimate relationship with God! And over time, we conclude that the Walk with Christ Jesus, is one where it becomes too boring!

As i reflect on the reason for this, I start to see that many that walk with Jesus, fail to realise that as much and as powerful as the Holy Spirit is ever present in our hearts, we must also see that the Devil is lurking around, waiting to pounce on us like a roaring lion! We fail to see that when God created us, he created us not to be 'Robots' that just follow rules and walk with him as Zombies! We fail to realise that the closer we truely desire to be with God, the more devil would want to take us down with him!

I look to the ever-so-famous letters of St. Paul, where he talks about the fight for our faith in this world! St. Paul was one that found for him faith everyday! And its something that not many of us do! When we face struggles, time and again, I constantly witness how so many of us give in and allow the struggles to become much bigger than us! But of course we can't be bigger than the struggles with our strength! That's when, the mighty God comes in! All God asks is for you to the response to the desire he so beautifully placed in your heart! God's strength will be more than enough for you to become bigger than the struggles you are facing! But the great wonder of the ways of God is that, we are not called to kill the struggles! We are rather called to EMBRACE the struggles, just like how Jesus embraced and kissed his cross on his road to Calvary!

For me, I am certain that this is what causes so many of us to fall short of the Greatness that God intends for each and every one of us! There lies in us a great desire for each of us to fight for God! And i think that its not that God doesn't wish to grant us his grace and presence! I am sure that God only ask that we ask for it and fight for it! God asks of us to just put it that minimum effort to ask and surrender into the plans that God has for us!

And for me, in my own walk with Jesus, I see myself fighting everyday for God! This is my heart's desire!

Like i always tell God,

"Lord I won't stop fighting for you unless You ask me to stop!"

And can you imagine the great joy that God has when he sees his own & most beloved creation, his Children, fighting for him! I'm sure he'll be so happy and proud of you when he sees how much you desire and fight for an intimacy with him! And do you think God will not release his grace, strength & love upon us when we desire so much for it and we constantly show it through our actions! And I believe that its the simple actions that makes the biggest difference, like when we spend time in the adoration room as we try to find comfort, solace & direction for him or when we take that courage to open our hearts and be vulnerable to someone that could easily be God's instrument to help us through that difficult moment!

May you start fighting for God in your journey with God! May you fight for god until God himself tells you to stop! Start asking questions to God about the reasons for the different struggles you're facing! God is already waiting at the door of your heart! May you open this door in this year of 2010!

And for me, I am fighting for someone to rise & reach God! I am so sure and certain that this darling of God will rise above the struggles! And I am nowhere near giving up on this person! This is what lies ahead for me in 2010! I'm not giving up on you to rise and reach God! And you know who you are! You will rise!

Praise God!

2009 Recollection

2009-12-29T02:12:00.004+08:00

This would probably be the first time I'll be doing a personal recollection on my blog, of the way my life has progressed in a year! Most of the time, we all lean towards the very traditional & effective way of coming up with a 'New year's resolution'! But as I was reflecting in the ever-so-present adoration room, I decided to just reflect on how I have grown with God through the numerous experiences that God has blest me with this 2009, whether positive or negative, good or bad!

For me, this year has been the toughest year for me especially with the many feelings that lay within my heart that I've had to embrace over the course of this year! It really starts to make so much sense when its dawns upon me that this was the year when I lived as a 21-year-old man! For many years, I awaited to turn 21 as I always had this picture of how much fun I'd have when I turned 21! But this year has been fun in terms of journeying with the Almighty Father! Its been a year where my love & faithfulness has truely been put to the test! And in many ways, I praise God for granting me the grace to stick with him! I can now acclaim that a true follower of Christ is one that sticks with Christ when all goes sour in his/her life! But this person sticks because he/she really loves God! He/she knows that God is in control!

And I'd say that my 2009 started in November 2008. That's when a whole load of extreme painful struggle came by! That's also when I started my discernment on something that God invited me to think about. That is also the same time when my most beloved uncle passed on! That is also the time when God brought me through a 3 month spell (Nov-Jan) of dryness in the desert where God seemed to be so absent in my heart & soul! And in that time, I too had never seen myself struggle till that extent. But quite incredibly, in a moment when I needed to help, there was no one by my side to guide me! From what I remember, I know there was only a knowledge that God loved me and that God was in control. But my heart didn't believe in this as my heart felt so lost in the desert!

But that's when God invitation to depend and trust in him came! At that moment, my life was in shatters! At that point, I didn't feel the need to carry on in this life! I never felt more lost & confused ever! And the best part, was that I felt so helpless and in the end, there was nobody to help me through this! But this had to happen! But somehow, surely the grace of God led me to give my life to God!

And throughout the year of 2009, everything has been about God first! All my decisions were based on whether God himself approves of what is to be done, no matter how small the decision is! Sometimes, its as small as changing 1 worship song! But at the end of it, I know that the Will of God was Done! The will of God has been a priority for me and will continue to be!

And what stands out for me in 2009? There can only and will always be 1 thing! Its none other than 'My Aussie trip'! This trip became the 1st time I decided to invest in something/someone! But this investment was a huge financial risk for me! And for many people, this trip seemed to be something small or just a holiday! But in my heart, I am so aware that it was alot more than a break from everything, or a holiday, or a chance to be alone! This trip was all about God! This trip was to allow myself to be that Joyful person in God! To ensure that no one could ever stand in the way of the person God desired myself to be! And this was due to the many people who kept telling me to not be so joyful and be a good example to the youths! But in aussie, I never felt so free in my life! And I know that the main reason for this, was just because that I made this trip not foe myself but it was rather a trip to make God even more part of my life!

The aussie trip costs about 2.5k and I spent 5 weeks in Perth, Australia! And its a trip I'll always hold so close to my heart and will never ever forget! So Lord Jesus, I praise you for making this trip possible! And we had so much fun dancing in the beauty of your nature! Praise God!

After this trip, the rest of the year started to be one where more and more struggles started to unfold in my life! But alot of the struggles were the immense pain I constantly felt in my heart! I felt like I had to battle & suffer in my heart for the sake of my love to Christ! But this serves to be true! That as we decide to make that bold decision to walk with Christ, we must be aware that we will suffer both in this world as well as in the depths of our hearts! I feel that the pain within the heart of Jesus was much more immense that the physical pain he experienced on his road to Calvary! And it serves to be the same for us! If have yet to suffer in our heart for the love we have for Christ, which may be in the form of dryness, then I don't think we can honestly say that we are in love with Christ!

But as the final quarter of the year unfolded for me, I started to see what God has been working in me over the rest of the year! At that point, all the suffering started to make so much sense for me! It was truely God proving to me that I loved God more than I thought! And this is a great revelation on its own! So many times, we think we have to prove something to God. But actually, its God trying to prove to us why we do what we do! We all don't realise how great we have become because of Christ, although we never did anything to deserve this! But God has to prove this greatness that lies within us time and time again! And so for 3/4 of this 2009, God was proving to me about the love & faithfulness had in God, because I was so aware of the Love that God had for me!

But rounding up the whole year, I am so glad that I didn't run away from all the struggles! I praise god for granting me courage, strength & perseverance to face & embrace every struggle! If there was a time to suffer, I am thankful that I suffered! If there was a time to be joyful, I am thankful that I was Joyful! If there was a time to analysis & reflect, I am thankful that I made time for it! I praise God for teaching me to embrace all fears & struggles!

This has truely been a year of great testing and also been one where I've been to extreme end of joy as well as suffering! But the greatest fact is that it was all with the God I love, adore, worship & delight in!

Lord Jesus, this year has been so tough for me! But your grace has seen me through and it will continue to see me through! I pray for all suffering in their hearts for you! I pray that they believe that God is in total control! I praise you, O lord in the heavens for 2009! I praise you for moulding me to be alot more closer to your heart as well as alot stronger through the extreme sufferings of pain! I will never regret any experience that you've brought me through!

And at the end of everything that is tough, we will experience the fruits of the patience & trust we've placed in God! As we've experienced the magnitude of pain in our hearts, we will experience the magnitude of joy in our hearts too! Invest in Jesus!

For you, O God always think in the best interest of your beloved children that you created in the likeness of your own image!

And last but surely not the least, I praise God for the 2 new people that he's blest me with and has entrust unto my care! I am so unworthy to be with them and have done nothing to deserve such a gift. But as always Lord Jesus, you are so generous in the love within your heart! I pray that I will grow with them as I have done in you! And may I bring them to greater heights to be with you! So that the 3 of us can dance in your presence! May you bless us in your purity & love! Praise you O Lord in the heaven for these 2 people I love so so much! Thanks God!

Christmas 2009

2009-12-26T17:06:00.007+08:00

This Christmas becomes of great joy for me! And as well my joy starts from the immense joy within my heart! This joy is one that truely does come from within my heart! But its a joy not just of Christmas, but rather its one that speaks about the whole of 2009 for me!

Christmas preparations were yet another one of intensive baking of my cookies! Other than that, it was one where my shopping was devoted to 2 people whom I'd say I hold the closest to my heart now! And I am sure they know who they are! And its for them to be aware of the immense love I have for them! And its not a love like the love from this world! Its a love that's from heaven!

Last year, I did alot of baking also but it was quite spread out as I gave 3 cookies each to about 40-50 people. But this year, I listened to my heart again! My heart desired to go all out for these 2 people that I loved ever so much! I loved them not just because of what they did, but it was more of how uniquely my heart loved them so much. It was how my heart just kept feeling for them and thinking about them ever so much! And also the way, God instilled in me this desire to love them more & more each day! And God always told me to never give up on them. And I love them both so much! And in many ways, my love for them is like the love that God has for me! It was an every second thing where my heart kept going out to them. And in such feelings, that's when I started to sacrifice more of myself and the things I have. This Christmas, due to the way my heart was feeling for these 2 people, I decided to splurge out for these 2 people!

Hence, I baked a total of 80 cookies each for these 2 people that I loved so much! And also bought them each a present! It became very exciting for me as my heart kept thumping from how I was attending to the desires of my heart! But in the midst of this great joy i was feeling within my heart, I never did expect anything from them in return, not even a Christmas card! And I think that becomes a true amazement when we love & give from our hearts! We give without any expectations and never expecting any recognition for the love we show! And for me, this was my gift to Jesus this Christmas, the response to the love I had in my heart! This is what made christmas for me! But of course it doesn't end there for me!

Christmas day midnight mass @ SFX was so amazing for me! My entire preparations and the mass reflections were focused on the Joyful victory of the battles of this 2009 year! This whole year was the most difficult & painful year for me! It was a year where the will of God became more & ore harder as each day of this year passed on before me! God really brought me through the most painful times this year! But in all of those times, there was 1 thing that never left me, and that was God being by my side! God never left me no matter what I was going through. And many of those painful experiences was to do with the will of God for my life and the majority of the pain took place within my heart! And that was difficult for me as I questioned god so many times, "Why is there so much pain when I didn't do anything wrong?" But in all of it, God allowed his presence to weather each storm he sent me! This proved to be a year of whether my love for God was really true & faithful!

And at the midnight mass, there was this immense feeling of victory in my heart! And from then on, there was a radiance on my face that showed it all! It was a joy that came directly from heaven! And I knew there was great rejoice & dancing in Heaven too! And this was what I needed after what this 2009 year has brought for me! I also recall how I had to put on fake smiles at the 2008 Christmas & New year celebrations, due to the immense pain I felt in my heart! But after my joy experiences at this year's Christmas midnight mass, I knew that everything was all worth it!

It like what I believe to be always true.

"The magnitude of the pain we experience, will be the same magnitude of great joy we will experience when its over!"

Christmas celebrations were so amazing with YV. As we went to a 24hr Carl's Jr place to eat, after which we headed to the ever beautiful Marina Barrage to just walk, take photos and enjoy the beauty of God! And for me, it spoke about the things i love the most about this year, its the simple things that have always been there that makes life so beautiful!

Christmas day was made perfect as I was out with my family the whole day, although I was sleepy the whole day as I reached home on Christmas morning at 7.30am after the beautiful time at Marina barrage with YV! I slept until 12noon and then headed to visit my relatives for the whole day. And the highlight of Christmas day was how happy my uncle was when my family came to see him on Christmas Day! He is someone suffering with liver cancer and we all knew that he didn't have much time to live his life here on earth and that this might be his last Chrismas with us! And that joy on his face just made me so touched and really felt like Jesus is always being made the most present in the simple things we choose to do from the love we have in our hearts!

And this Christmas really serves to be one of great joy! And I think the magnitude of suffering & pain I felt this 2009, will be equal to the magnitude of great Joy that will unfold for me at this Christmas! If we can take joy from God, then surely we can take suffering too!

I also do ask for your prayers on the 30th of december as I go for my heart check-up on that day with my cardiologist! And it looks like I'll be hospitalised for the new year! But I hope that in this time, I'll bring the joy I have in God, be spread to those that God sends me in the new year time!

To all faithful vistors of My Journey with Jesus blog, I praise God for each of you and may you have great joy this Christmas! This is my prayer for you from my heart! In the new year of 2010 ahead, I pray that you will follow your heart as you walk with Jesus on your journey! But may you also embrace the feelings within your heart, whether its a time of painful suffering or great joy! Embrace these moments with God! And for 2010, may you believe this phrase that has captivated me so much!

"There is no blemish at all in God's Plan for you if you are always earnestly seeking to do the will of God from your hearts!"

Always follow your heart! Your heart will lead you to God! It has for me thus far!

There is no blemish in God's Plan

2009-12-18T11:11:00.003+08:00

This has been a phrase that's been in my mind & heart for quite awhile now. Its been a message from God that been repeatedly being proclaimed to me at mass as well as my times of silent prayer in the adoration room of late. But just recently, this phrase has been made perfect with the addition with a few more words by our Awesome God!

"There is no blemish at all in God's plan for us if we are always earnestly seeking to do the will of God from our hearts!"

Of late, so much has been happening in my life and I'd say that many of those events & experiences have been really painful ones within my heart. Due to these experiences, I've been on a search to connect the dots of these experiences and make sense out of each experience. After which, I hope to be able to see the direction that my God is taking me! But maybe after our search for answers & explanations, we still are left in no man's land! Maybe God is trying to tell us something in that search! Maybe he's telling us to have the patience to wait upon him and have faith that it'll all make sense one day but in his time.

At that point, it becomes so difficult to understand and accept that there is no blemish in God's plan for us! We start to ask ourselves then, "Haven't we been spending so much time in prayer with God to seek to do the will of God?" But maybe we are on the right track! All we need is to continue to spend time in prayer to seek to do the will of God! And that the present experience you are struggling with, is just something that MUST happen for you to enter into a better place with God which probably what we really desire & want in our hearts!

For the ones that seek God always, there is 1 fact that remains true.

"There is no blemish in God's plan for you if you are always earnestly seeking to do the will of God in your life!"

Some experiences and events must happen! And the more we try to suppress or escape from it, the more we are telling God we don't want to do his will in our lives! For us, we (including myself) always forget that God doesn't look at the world or its events & experiences the way humans and the world looks at it. God knows what the final outcome would be like. Hence, God wouldn't panic because God himself knows that he is in control of everything! In moments like these, where no matter how much we fight, we are called to just let go and have faith that God is in control.

And no matter how young or old, inexperienced or experienced, spiritual or not-so-spiritual, we will still go through such experiences where we must faith to believe that, "There is no blemish in God's plan for you if you are always earnestly seeking to do God's will from your hearts!"

For those in really confused or devastating situation, both in your life and/or spiritual journey with God, pray for faith & patience! I've been through such moments and I'm still going through such moments where there doesn't seem to be the light of Jesus in your tunnel of darkness! But there is! Its just that you can't see it yet! But just cling onto the cross of jesus and unite your struggles & sufferings with Jesus!

Its gets better when we claim in the faith we have in Jesus that,

"There is no blemish in God's plan for you if you are always earnestly seeking to do the will of God in your life!"

Unconditional Love

2009-12-16T12:46:00.002+08:00

What is the true meaning of Unconditional Love? We constantly read in the Word of God of how Jesus always talks about the unconditional love that our Father in Heaven lavishes out unto us. Jesus not only talks about this love but he proclaims it and really lives it out in the way he shows his love to the outcast of the world. Jesus comforted people that the world provoked. They were the prostitutes, leapers, beggars, the poor & so many more people. There were so many instances when he went out of his way to show his love for them.

But we also bear in mind that Jesus too had a reputation to upkeep. He went around the villages to heal many people. Surely the world would expect him to keep to the norms of society. And we all know that back then, people connected with God lived by the law. But Jesus came to change everything about how the world was functioning. Jesus came because of Love and because he wanted everyone to live in love.

But as I reflect on the way the world is today, Love is so absent in this world today. The very defining fact is how we'd rather choose to use our minds more than our hearts. Even in places where God should be most present, mainly in Church, I see & witness this to be so evident. It becomes an extremely sad truth. And we can see the very heart & love of Jesus when we decided who would be the Rock of His Church! He chose someone that I'd say was the closest human being to him in his life here on earth. But even this person, Simon Peter, failed him when he denied Jesus at a point when Jesus needed Peter the most. We also recall Peter promising Jesus that He loved him 3 times. And we also recall Peter denying Jesus 3 times. But Jesus forgave in love and chose Peter as his chosen one to start his Church in Love.

Isn't this unconditional love? We can learn so much from our Saviour, Jesus Christ, where we look past the faults of every child of God and love them in spite of their faults. Recently, I've been struggling with the amount of Politics that happens in our Church today. And as I reflect upon this, it becomes more and more evident that the true Love of Christ is missing so much! The unconditional Love that we receive from Christ as his gift to us can be so rarely found in so many of us.

But for me, where does this all lead to. It leads to call of Christ to bring forth unconditional love in Church for starters. We are called to go back into the very time when Peter built the Church of Jesus! We called to seriously question how much of the true Love of Jesus is within us, within our very hearts! Do we even realise how much Jesus loves us? And how are we being that love of Christ to others? Or has the ways of this judgmental world taken place in us? If this judgmental world has taken root in us rather than the Unconditional Love of Christ, then I think shouldn't deserve to call ourselves Servants for Christ!

It becomes an extremely sad truth that we are serving Jesus without having the very essence of Jesus in us, having the very essence of Jesus' Unconditional Love in us! For me, I too realise that I make mistakes, but I think the Love of Christ becomes ever so radiant when we are able to pick ourselves up and admit that we are weak and have fallen. Simply, we radiate the Love of Christ the most when we ourselves become vulnerable to this world. Christ becomes so visible in us when we are humble enough to ask for help for the people of God.

And this is something I've learnt over the past 2 months. And i'm so glad that my pride hasn't been big enough to stop me from asking for help for help from 2 people in my life that I love so much and hold extremely close to my heart, Estelle & Stephen. And I really praise God for this grace. God tore down every essence of strength He built in me over this year and the purpose of this, was how He wanted to test how big my pride was.

And this is why I still am so in love with this awesome Jesus! He never ever bores me out as I walk with him. And I think this past 2 months, serves to be a testimony for me that God is ever so much in control of my life. He is totally in control of my joys, pains & strength because he is the very source of it!

Unconditional Love can only happen when we go beyond ourselves & beyond our ability to love. Let's work together to stop the ways of the world to take root in our Lives and in the Bride of Christ, his church. Love will conquer everything especially the ways of the world!

Praise god for Unconditional Love! Let it reign in our hearts & this world!

What has God done in me!

2009-11-14T20:16:00.007+08:00

I ask myself this question and there just seems to be this disbelief of the person that God has formed me to be! And in my heart, my answer is one that just becomes an impulse to give the ultimate glory & praise to the king of kings without an ounce of hesitation!

And it has been the Confirmation badge of 2009 that just reinstates the great wonder of "What has God done in me!" And for me, the great revelation of who I used to be 6 years will never ever grow old in my heart! Everyday, I am constantly amazed at what God has done and what God is constantly doing in my life.

I will recall being a extremely outcast & lonely 15-year-old boy. Back then, life just seemed to be the cruelest & excruciating experience anyone could ever go through! And to quite a large extent, I felt like living in hell would be much better than allowing this extremely painful experience on earth continues. For me, the world became so cruel. I constantly felt like God made me with 1 purpose in life, "To be the ultimate failure"! And there were even times when I felt that it would be better for me to be a refugee than to deal with the pain in my heart and going through it alone felt so much more worst! And after awhile, I just became immune to such feelings of loneliness, failure & intense pain in my heart, which just lead to give up on Mark Abraham due to the fact that "Mark Abraham was a hopeless case and just wasn't the effort. He was doomed to fail all his life!" But please don't think for a second that I'm over-exaggerating.

But on the 1st of November 2003, I now become aware of this question that God posed to me on the day of my Sacrament of Confirmation,

"Will you give me a chance, my Son? Let me make you new! Let me make the new 'Mark Sebastian Abraham! You shall be a New Creation in the Name of Jesus Christ!"

And when I was sealed with Holy Spirit using Holy Chrism by Archbishop Nicholas Chia on the 1st of November 2003, I was saying my 'YES' to this question from God!

And step by step, God moulded me into someone he had always planned for this world to experience. And God knew that the one thing I still struggled with as a teenager was 'My Studies'. And slowly, God instill in me a strength to never give up in my studies as I went from being in Normal Technical at St. Gabriel's Secondary, to taking my 'N' Levels, to doing very well at ITE in Precision Engineering (Aerospace) but not without struggle, to taking my dream of 'O' Levels for English, E-Maths & Pure Physics in Year 2 of my ITE studies, to my Diploma studies in Mechatronics at Temasek Polytechnic (which ends in 4 months). And constantly, I see how God uses me in this world to prove the fact that "God is one that makes the Impossible become so Real & Possible!"

I do not boast of myself but I boast of the one living in me, that is Christ Jesus! God has transformed me in a way that I would have never ever imagined! This journey with Jesus has become one where God is so available & tangible for us to delight in! God is infinite in every way possible but he chooses to give so much of his Love & himself to the most finite of his creation that is we, his dearest children!

And its been 2 years of existence for this blog already! And over this time, many have come to aid from my reflections, my intense pain, my Joys & Delight in God and My Journey with Jesus! If we decide that everyday, we really desire for God in our hearts and constantly being open to what God wills for us. Then we will see God face-to-face in our hearts. We will experience a transformation of our lives that we would never ever imagine. This is something that is really PRICELESS! Its something no amount of money we can ever buy!

All we need is to really use our hearts to walk with Jesus! I've been reading about how many of us wish to go much deeper with Jesus! But as I reflect of the way my life turned out to be and continue to unfold, all we need is "Fall in Love with this great man of Jesus Christ" and also never stop and think that you have reached a limit of falling in love with Jesus! But always allow your feelings within your heart for Jesus be expressed on your face, body and actions! If you think for a second that God will stop surprising you, then just take it from me that God loves you so so much and he continues to surprise you everyday but you must learn to not conform to the ways & pressures of this world!

Always believe with your heart! I've got this far only because I kept believing in this heart within me. This heart that will fight against this cruel world for the Love that God lavishes on us! This heart will keep fighting no matter what struggle comes my way! That's how you go deeper!

Praise you God for who you've moulded & continue to mould me to be in this world! My prayer for all in this world is to keep following their hearts and allow God to fill whatever the many voids they may be feeling!

Lord, use me in this world to prove how real you are in this world! May I, your very unworthy servant of the Lord, be your Living Testimony! I am just so much in Love with You, Christ Jesus!

The Perfect Decision

2009-11-10T00:34:00.004+08:00

The 7th of November 2009 has been a day I've been awaiting for the whole year. It was a day where throughout the course of this year, I soon found that I had 3 equally important major events happening on that very night. And its one of those times times there lies a clear distinction between what God wants for you to do and what you'd want to do.

These were the 3 events that happened on the 7th of November 2009:

Gavin & Jane's Beautiful Wedding (Wedding Mass @9am & Wedding Dinner @7pm)
My Parish's Sacrament Confirmation Mass @ 6pm
My Uncle's 1st year Death Anniversary Mass & Dinner @ 6pm

And this realisation came to mind only around July. There was no event that was more important than the other for me. And in the depths of my heart, I only wanted to go for all 3 events, if it was possible. I just felt like duplicating myself into 3 and then making it possible to make it for all 3 events.

Starting off with Gavin & Jane's wedding, they are just so extremely important to me. I was blest to even have the chance to hear about how Gav proposed to Jane. And that is a truely classic of what kind of love they have for each other. Impressively, they had a disagreement before he proposed but our Lord's ways will never be our ways. And his ways are always the best for us whether we can see it or not. Gavin & Jane will be people I hold so so close to my heart. They, together with my cell, taught me what Love really is and that the perfect love of God is possible to be manifested amongst us humans! And when I came to know about the date of their wedding and also how that there are 2 other events happening that same night, I was totally shocked and this is what I said to God, "You've gotta be kidding me, God!"

And next was my dearest Uncle Simon's 1st year death anniversary mass & dinner. This uncle of mine was the dearest & closest uncle to me. And it was so devastating for me when he passed on last year. And I will never forget that many people couldn't understand the purpose & reason for my trip to Perth but he understood without me even explaining it to him. And he was an uncle that stood out for me. As in all families, there lies alot of politics. But this uncle of mine never ran away from it but he embraced it and dealt with it rooted in the Love of God. And in many ways, he unconsciously taught me how to deal with difficult people in life especially in Church. He taught me how to deal with something so real in the Church, The Politics of the Church! And he always inspired me to believe that anything is possible in the name of Jesus!

Finally, we have my parish's Sacrament of Confirmation mass. I'd say that this year's confirmation badge really stands out for me after serving for 6 years at the camps & retreats! This badge seems to be more God-seeking people. They remind me so much about how I struggled so much when I was a teenager, trying to find meaning in life and finding God in my life. There seemed to be so much desire in their hearts to get to God! And I guess this badge is one I hold really close to my heart as I am able to relate to so many of them in the way they wanna believe in the reality of God in their lives as well as in this cruel world of lies! And as they search for God, God tells me to show them the path I have taken and surely found God and his amazing Love he has lavished on us. And when I mentioned to a few of them about how I had to make a decision on this, and that I would not be able to make it for their confirmation, I saw their eyes just filled with disappointment. And I could tell that my presence with them on their really special day was so important to them. And it made sense as I was journeying with alot of them and I too felt really special in their presence and that made me really want to be there with them.

Then, when late August came around, I knew that this was a decision i had to make really soon. So I analyzed and came to a conclusion to go for the wedding mass in the morning, then go for my dearest uncle's 1st year death anniversary mass & dinner followed by Gavin & Jane's wedding dinner after. And as the decision settled in my heart, it didn't feel right. It felt that like God wanted me to change my decision and it felt like god wanted me to make it for the Confimation Mass. And so I started to lift it up and surrender that entire day's plans into God's hands and allowed my decision to be his desire for me.

This was the final decision:

Go for Gavin & Jane's wedding in the morning @9am
Go for the Confirmation Mass at my parish @6pm
Head for my uncle's 1st year death anniversary dinner @8pm

When the day came to a close, I knew this was the perfect decision. This only happened because God made the decision for me! I was so happy that I made it for all 3 events. The highlight of the day was how God was involved in every moment of that day, from the celebration of Holy Matrimony to the celebration of the Sacrament of Confirmation and finally to the celebration of my uncle's life!

And at the end of that day, I said to God,

"What a day, God! I praise you O Lord for your ways are the best!"

The Holy Spirit sweeps through SFX youths

2009-11-02T00:42:00.004+08:00

What an amazing weekend I will say! I will have to admit that this retreat has been by far the best ever camp/retreat I have ever been ever since I answered my 'YES' to the Lord! Its been 6 years serving in the youth ministry for me but this retreat really stood out for me. And what is so intensively amazing, was that it lasted for only 1 & 1/2 days! I have had many experiences of the way the Spirit of the Lord has moved at camps/retreats/rallies, but this made it so special for me as God made use of me as his instrument in every way!

It had all started from friday night, which was the Spiritual Preparation for the confirmants before their retreat started on Saturday. God really blest me to lead them into worship and God really brought us to a level of worship which was so intense and really immerse into the presence of God! I had so much fun leading them into worship. And I could see the power of God moving so incredibly as I saw hearts of stone entering worship but God transformed then into open hearts to receive the love of God! I thought that the worship was too intense and too spiritual for them as they hadn't even started the retreat and so much had happened in their hearts. But God assured me that much more lay ahead at the retreat! And God was so right!

The retreat started and alot of them were so hyper-active and I felt God constantly telling me within my heart, "My son, Mark, they are in for a surprise! Be ready to see hearts falling in love with the Redeemer!" And although there was so little time, the teens were ready to receive God's love but even they weren't aware of that readiness within them! And as we began the worship for the Night session, the teens kept opening their hearts to the Love of God.

And I remember the message that God revealed before the night session started, "Believe it that I am here in this place (parish hall)! I am here, my people! If you doubt, then call upon the name of the Holy Spirit to help you have faith to believe! So believe it that I am here!" And after the worship, we enter into the Praying-over and I constantly felt the Holy Spirit just sweeping through the Parish hall as we went around to pray-over the teens. There was just so much of healing taking place and God was just empowering his beloved children! There were so many people being rested in the Spirit of the Lord! And what was amazing was that the teens that started their retreat at the spiritual preparation on friday night, were really swept off their feet by the Holy Spirit! I was just so delighted in the Holy Spirit and soaked in his presence as God used me as his instrument of prayer!

And I won't mention their names, but there are these 2 teens with whom I have been journeying with really closely and guiding them as they seek to find to God in their lives! They had spent alot of time in prayer in the last 2 weeks and they were on a spiritual high even before the camp. And I know they entered the retreat feeling like what else the Lord could do for them, as they had already experienced so much already. And as I observed then at the retreat, they were really joyful and happy before the night and in so many ways, they were so spiritually high before the night session began. And as I observed them, I felt within the depths of my heart that God was constantly telling, "These 2 children of mine are going to be blown away by my love and be totally surprised!" But I just invited them to calm down a notch. For these are 2 children of God that have experienced a level of the love of God that is so intense and would natural think that it would be the highest God would grant them! And as promised, God swept them of their feet so much that it would leave a mark in their hearts that they would never ever under-estimate the love of God! And through their experience, I was reminded that God's love really has no limits or conditions or end! God used me so many ways as a musician, a facilitator, a messenger, a brother in Christ to his people and someone to comfort his people!

What has made this retreat so amazing, has been how God has truely blest me in a really God 2 week preparation for this retreat! And that its not about preparing for a retreat and to prepare every single day for the Lord & his people! For we will never know when God will decide to call us to our eternal home! Holiness is what I seek everyday in my life and God will use me as long as I give of myself to the people of God that struggle to find God in their own lives!

God will never ever abandon us but you have to trust that he knows best! If you do that, you shall be set free. God has set me free from the clutches of this world! For those who experienced nothing at the retreat, I was in the exact same position 6 years ago at my confirmation camp but God knows our personalities more than we do. And its not that God doesn't love you that he lett you experience what you felt. It is actually because he loves you so much that he let you experience what you felt! Just persevere and have faith! Because 6 years after serving God, I declare that I'm just so in Love with this man Jesus!

And if you still struggle to find God, pray this prayer that has helped me in so many ways. Then just have faith!

"Holy Spirit be in front of me to lead the way for me!

Holy Spirit be behind me to suppport me!

Holy Spirit be on my right & left to hold my hand as I walk with you!

Holy Spirit be in my heart to prompt me, comfort me and love me!"

The Mysterious Weekend (Part II)

2009-10-28T12:07:00.006+08:00

The retreat experience was so prayfully amazing! On the 2nd & 3rd days of the retreat, we all had spent a total of 3 hours (an hour separately) of silent time each day. And the most awesome thing was how I never got tired of silent time with the Lord! I always had that desire to come back for more and more each time! And it was in that silence with the Lord where I just constantly felt so joyfully rejoicing in the presence of the Lord! I used to struggle so much to even be silent for 10 minutes!

But this retreat also taught me of the true power of the Holy Spirit. For so many of us, we take our prayers to the Holy Spirit so so lightly especially for me. And we pray it for the sake of praying it but never really believing that the Holy Spirit will come! We may have a little faith but even in that faith, we will think that it'll be a miracle for the Holy spirit to be with our presence! We hope that the Holy Spirit will be with us but never ever believe and claim in faith that the Holy Spirit WILL be with us! But I recall a moment of prayer where I forgot to call upon the name of the Holy Spirit and found it so so difficult to be silent and to wait upon the Lord. But as soon as I prayed & called upon the Holy Spirit to be with me, I felt it so easy to be Silent, Calm & to have patience to wait upon the Lord!

Throughout my prayer time using the Ignatian Contemplation, I found it so difficult to enter into the scene of the Gospel passages I was reading. But in those times, I had visions of other thing God was trying to tell me. But I struggled with the fact that I couldn't enter the scene. And as I was sharing with Novice Lance, he shared with me to trust God was in control of that time of contemplation. Even if I didn't enter into the scene, to not lose faith but know that God is totally in control! And in may of the visions I had, it was God always showing me alot of his creation, mainly trees, birds, the sky, the sun and his most valuable creation, his children. God explained to me of how God is in every single of his creation even the gangsters & prostitutes around the world! He lives in every single one of us, not forgetting the people we think are evil and that nothing good can come from their hearts! And this revelation was so appropriate for me as I've been struggling with the confusions in my mind to see God in everything! And yet again, in another vision, God reassured me to be his light for those who find it hard to find Jesus in their darkness!

But the final message for me from God was "Not to ever over-react in any circumstance but to stop and be still to hear the true voice of the Lord! Whenever I feel too deep in temptation, to just stop and find out why in that moment I feel tempted. Because as always we fall into sin, because we over-react in those times of temptation no matter what the sin may be! Even if its sexual sin, I should just stop and think why at that moment I feel tempted to commit that sin even before I commit sin"

The overall revelation was, "To look at the world through the most loving eyes of Jesus! Look at everything you feel is bad & wrong through Jesus' eyes!" And with regards to my Vocation, I rejoice in the Lord for giving me strength to take that step to discern. God has reminded me time and again vocation is based on both of God's will for me and also the God-given desires within the depths of our hearts!

Finally what I think what was so amazing after the retreat, was how after my semi-silent retreat, I suddenly lost my voice when I woke up on Monday morning! Its still healing slowly though! But I've had the experience of being someone who wants to tell the world about how happy & in love with Jesus I am but yet I am a mute for awhile! There have been times when I got really angry & frustrated & sad but I submit unto the plan of God for I am so sure that he always has my interest at heart. He will never stop loving you & me! We just gotta have a little faith that God knows what he is doing with his precious Children!

Praise you O Lord in the Heavens! You make all of us look good in this passing world! I delight in you, O my God!

May you use me as your signpost of love in the midst of anyone's darkness more & more each day!

The Mysterious Weekend (Part I)

2009-10-28T11:31:00.007+08:00

It has been one of those weekends where you know you had a life-changing experience with this Awesome God! And I am so sure that in a couple of years, I'd look back at this weekend so proclaim from the heavens that started that deepening of 'My Journey with Jesus'.

Just because of the weekend that just passed, I had to tell so many white lies as I was just so fearful and wasn't ready to tell anyone where I was going. But after the retreat, God has really instilled in me the confidence that, "I should be afraid but to just have a little faith in God! For God always knows!" And so over this weekend, I was at the 'Jesuits Vocation Retreat'. And for many people, this may seem like something really simple or even easy to tell people. But for me, I just felt like I didn't want anyone to know about this. I just was so fearful of telling people about this!

But after the retreat, God made me feel so special and really gave me the confidence to go public with the fact that I will be taking the next 12 months to discern my Vocation!

The weekend was really amazing for me in so many ways. It was a time where God yet again introduced me to the Ignatian Contemplation where we would use our imagination to allow God to speak to us through the passage we will read before entering the time of imagination and silence! As I entered the retreat on Friday night, I was really so excited and I just was so aware that God would surprise in ways I could never imagine! God was about to really intensify my walk with him!

But even before I reached the retreat venue, there was intense excitement. I was on the way there on the bus. And ever since I came back from my aussie trip in Perth, I picked up a really lovely habit to always greet and thank the bus driver whenever I boarded/alighted the bus. And I really praise God for this grace he has blest me with! And as soon as I alighted the bus, I realised that I have left my mobile phone in the bus. And as I started to panic, God quickly prompted me to flag for a cab and chase the bus. Within seconds I boarded the cab and was on a chase for the 1st time in my life! Although I was so doubtful that I could still get my mobile phone back, the cab driver reassured not to worry! We got in front of the bus at a traffic light junction. And I started to wave to the Bus driver and praise God that he remembered me. I then got out of the cab and boarded the bus in the middle of a busy road. Thank God I found my phone. Then I dropped off at the next bus-stop and headed to the retreat place! What a experience even before the retreat begun!

Stay tuned for my intensified silent prayer experience in Part II!

Praise you O GOD!

The Holier, The Gentler

2009-10-22T00:16:00.004+08:00

"God wants us to become active as flames of Love by which his Spirit transforms us!"

St John of the Cross

This post has actually been a really long delayed one as its been a reflection based on the September issue of Word Among Us. That issue was very much focused on the Life of St. John of the Cross. And for me, I never really read about the life of St. John of the Cross and had the idea that he was a man of God that really follow all the rules of the Catholic Faith and that his Spirituality was one that was really strict! So whenever his name came to mind, I'd many a time, just switch of because my spirituality wasn't one of following the rules and one that was really strict!

But when I receive that issue, I decided to give St. John of the Cross a chance and I was so happy and blest to have do that! And this saint's spirituality is simply so amazing and exciting! His spirituality was very much like St. Teresa of Avila and also that the both of them were really so close as friends! His spirituality was based on the numerous intimate experiences of God! And as you would already know by now, that my Spirituality is very much based on that too!

But as I was reading about him, what struck me the most was how gentle as a Man of God he was! As I continued to read, I was really amazed by his genuineness and how gentle he was! And in so many ways, he was so much Jesus. Even when he was thrown into solitary, he embraced that alone time with God. And I embrace every struggle without complaining.

And as I reflect, I find myself caught at the crossroad where I question my own gentleness. And I think that gentleness is really one of the trustworthy gauges to see if we really are becoming holier! So many times we acclaim to everyone that we are walking with God but so many of us miss out on this mark of the gentleness we have in our hearts and in the way we carry ourselves in the midst of people of God! We may seem like walking with God, but are our words & actions really showcasing the Love that Jesus gave to us or is it a love that we feel should be showcased! We would only be deceiving ourselves then!

And its so evident that this is what God is really calling me to at this moment in my walk with my Lord! I want be just like St. John of the Cross, to be gentle, meek & humble in every single thing I do whether for God or anyone else. I want to watchful of the words I speak and the action I do. I pray & earnestly desire to be alot more gentler in my ways everyone I meet each day especially the people I find hard be the person that my heart desires to be!

Lord Jesus, I desire to be holier and in turn much more gentle & humble! I pray that your Spirit will prompt me and hold my tongue when I'm about to make a comment that doesn't glorify your name or build someone up! I ask you Lord Jesus to purify my Heart! Guide me as I desire this to be more real in my life!

Praise God!

God knows

2009-10-18T22:05:00.008+08:00

In the midst of the busy lives that we live, as people walking with God, we all have had our moments when we wonder if our God in the heavens actually knows what we're going through here on earth! These moments become even more intense when we hurt so much deep within our hearts! We would go to great lengths to stop the intense pain in our hearts!

Then we are left wondering, "Does God really care about me? God said that He'll never ever abandon me! But I feel so abandoned by God and so alone! Why wouldn't God help me?"

Whether we are a student or a working adult, I'm sure we've had our fair share of intense pain in our hearts. And as always, the thoughts of whether its really worth to walk this path with God! For some of us, the pain becomes so painful, that we even have thoughts of whether its worth to be alive. But is God really with us in those times? Does he even care?

And as I reflect abit more upon this, I am so sure that God is much much more sadder to see us feeling this way. God has done everything by always assuring us through his Word that he'll never abandon us! But in times of pain, we feel and sometimes conclude that God has abandoned us! In those times, I think God even cries to see us that way. I think God even wants to come right down from the heavens to wipe away the tears from our eyes and also take away the pain within our hearts! But God knows that when we get through the storms in our lives, we will be stronger in our faith! There will never be anyone walking with God that would declare that the storms in his/her life haven't made him/her stronger now! They would instead declare that, "It is because of the storm in his/her life that they are still walking with God!" They will declare 7 acclaim that they now see God so amazingly present in the midst of the storms! But God also know how much we can withstand in our storms and he knows what our limits are! When we reach our limits, God will never forget to send us people to help us along the way to find our feet again.

Even Jesus felt so abandoned on his road to Calvary. As he was carrying the cross, everyone insulted & spat on him. And when he fell from carry his cross, I'm sure he felt helpless, but then he saw his Mother, Mary. And just when Mary came to Jesus to wipe his face, jesus soon realised his purpose in suffering so that all may receive redemption from their sins! Through that and the many other people like Simon who carried Jesus' cross! For God knew Jesus limit too and came to his aid by sending people to remind him of God's presence!

God knows what we always go through in our lives. He knows all of intense moments of pain & hurts. He knows every time we cry and seek for help! He also knows what we need in those moments of pain. God always has our best interest at heart even when it doesn't seem like that at all. We are called to embrace those moments of intense pain and unite our sufferings with Jesus' wounds!

Romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us!"

Hebrews 4:16
"Let us then approach the Throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need"

My prayer at this moment for all suffering, is to recognize God in the midst of this difficult time of pain! Your call is to embrace this moment and have little faith that God knows what he is doing! Trust him for God Knows!

We are all broken people

2009-10-10T00:03:00.002+08:00

Well during mass earlier today, this thought came to mind after a reflection on my recent experiences with God, "Are we all broken people living in this world?" And as mass when on, I went much deeper into this thought. And I think in many ways, my recent posts have brought upon this post. I guess that God always uses our various experiences to ultimately bring Glory to the name of Jesus!

And the recent experience of my struggles with accepting & loving the people I meet everyday, has also really brought me to think about my struggle of an invisible mask I wore at times without myself even realizing it. For me, as a Leader in my parish, this has been a real dilemma, I always have that mindset that although I am struggling in my own walk with God, I always am aware that, "At least I have had an experience with God. There are so many people that have yet to have that experience." And I guess in many ways that's the reason why I may have worn this invisible mask!

But as I continued to reflect upon this, the question of "What Jesus would do" came to mind! And if there was 1 thing Jesus wasn't at all, was being a proud man. And even when Jesus was struggling, He wouldn't deny his struggle and even embrace & accept his struggle. But most importantly, he would acclaim that it is by God's strength alone that will allow him to surpass this struggle. For me, that is what a humble man of God would do even when he has to carry a heavy struggle on his shoulders. And as my reflection continued, I felt that we must change the way we look at struggles.

For so many of us involved in ministry, we may see struggle as a weakness and also carry the perception that anyone struggling is either not close to God or something that is negative. And this is even worst for guys, simply because Guys have an image to upkeep. We always want to be seen as strong & mighty. At least this is the culture constantly being spread. So much so that when any teenage boy tears, another teenage boy will see it as extremely weird. I can relate in a way cause throughout my period of struggle, I felt scared to share with anyone my struggles due to my fear of being judged. I was so used to people seeing me as strong that I wouldn't know how they'd react when they saw/heard me struggling so much in my faith.

But after this experience of sharing my struggles with someone no one would expect I'd share with, I realize today at mass that, 'We are all broken people'! It doesn't matter at all how long you've been in ministry or even how long you've spent time in prayer! We are always broken in one way or another but we are always called to recognize, accept & embrace our brokenness and allow God to fix us all the time. But to also bear in mind that our prayer life makes the difference of how broken we are! And especially, as a guy, I fear telling others that I'm broken but today this revelation that 'We are all broken', speaks volumes of what kind of Men for God we are set out to be!

May we as people of God, never be afraid to embrace the brokenness in you! God will neverever want us to wear a mask to show people to show that we're alright when we are actually dying to seek for a listening ear and pour out our struggles in this demanding world!

Spread this culture of love & acceptance, People of God!

Praise God!

Learning from mistakes

2009-10-08T01:15:00.006+08:00

Well over the last 2 posts, there's been alot of pain in the heart. As i read the post again and again, there just seems to be alot of thoughts of pain. And I've struggled to find where God's hand is in all of it! Time and again I wonder if this realizations have been part of God's plan because it seems to be hurting not only me the ones whom I struggle with.

Last night, I was feeling so frustrated and thankfully, God sent an angel (Estelle in this case) to bring my mind certain realizations of which she had made known to me. As I was chatting with her on MSN, i kept bring to the conversation the characteristics that I had developed over this of which I said I hated about myself at this present time. And in reply, she kept bringing to the conversation, the characteristics she saw in me. And after awhile I think it was God's way of telling me to really let go of the disappointments I was feeling about the person I had become. And Estelle just kept reminding me of who God formed me to be and to most importantly focus on that. And that really helped me calm down and allow all thoughts to just flow and let Jesus be in control.

But while spending some time in the adoration room earlier at night, I finally got a chance to sit down and take a look at everything that has been said and has happened. And the main conclusion, was that I felt really said that the things I used to love about myself haven't really been present over the course of this year. And in that sadness, I kept look at all the negatives of this year of which the Devil has always wanted but thankfully God sent me his angel. And as I reflected on the positives of this year, I realized that there was so much spiritual growth in me. And i maybe have yet to see the fruits of the spiritual growth from this year yet.

But the most captivating message from God during adoration was that it is a true fact that suffering is an ongoing process for us as we walk with Christ. Many a time, we need to be lost before we can find ourselves in God again. We need to be emptied before God can fill us again. If not what God has filled us with, wouldn't be purely from him, there would be a mixture of the good & bad. But its only when we empty ourselves where we will have 100% space for Jesus to fill us with his love & grace.

Looking ahead, God has invited me to try to bring the heavenly gifts I used to enjoy so much last year into the people I have been struggling with this year. This journey is always impossible but only my lovely God can make this possible.

Conclusion: Its always so easy for us to make mistakes but the heavenly call is the embrace the fact that we fell down and failed through our efforts. Then, we need to be humble enough to ask for guidance from God to teach us how to live again. And also recognise that it is only through God's strength that we can succeed.

Praise you God for this experience of learning from my mistakes! Teach me O Lord to live like you again!

Suffering for God's people

2009-10-05T13:41:00.008+08:00

The weekend thats just passed has been one of intense pain in the heart. And as you would know from the previous post, "I'm losing my way", you would even wonder if things are getting better for me. In many ways, I'd say that things are getting harder to accept.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to spend an hour in the Adoration Room before heading for evening mass at 5.30pm @ SFX. Actually I didn't plan for it at all. My initial plan was to go home after lunch with whomever and then head for mass from home. But God had other plans for me, although it may seems that we are in control of the way we live our lives. So lunch with Shaun, Estelle, Freeman & my God brother, Steven ended around 4pm. So since Estelle and myself intended to go for mass, we just ended up in church at 4.15pm and headed for an hour of silent time with God.

In the first 15 minutes in ado, I was just resting in the presence of God and not thinking too much, although there were a few instances when I almost dozed off. But after that I decided to start conversing with God without an agenda in mind. But as I conversed with God, a huge amount of sadness started to dawn upon me. This reflection took me even further and also started to become a really emotional time for me. I just started to feel extremely lost. Its constantly felt like I was on a Desert and I just had no clue where I was headed towards.

And soon my eyes started to filled with tears. I just keep thinking about the kind of person I used to be. I recalled the joy I had everytime I walked alone and for me that was a dance with the Lord. I knew that those were the times I really really treasured so much. And at this moment, I can't even recall the last time I felt that way. I also recalled how happy I was every single day of my life. In those times, I felt like I was already in Heaven with Christ Jesus, dancing and be ever joyful in God's presence. The most amazing character of the person I was, was how I had always followed my heart. And it was constantly, King David that I'd strive to be like, "A Man after God's own heart!" And as I continued to recall these moments, I just started to cry gently in the adoration room.

As I started to reflect on the person I was now, the sadness started to be too heavy for me to bear. And in the midst of this immense sadness, God kept gentle whispering in my ear & heart, "I know, my Child. I know." And I think it might have been quite surprising for Estelle (who is a 15-year-old confirmand) sitting beside me and witnessing my outward expressions of being lost. I was then reminded of how much support I had from my Cell, Amplify & YAM.

But as I started to settle down and allow God that chance to speak to me, He reminded me of How much joy I had last year when I wasn't "LOST". He showed me how easy it was to see him in the joys but then explained to me how difficult its was to see him in the struggles.

And then the revelation came by,

He said,

"You used to be rich in my joy, peace, love & grace but you knew that you're place to be of service to others would be with the youths of St. Francis Xavier church. So in this knowledge you became much poorer in my joy, peace, love & grace, so that the youths of St. Francis Xavier church could be rich in my joy, peace, love & grace. In summary, Mark Sebastian Abraham, my child, you gave of your richness in me to be poor so that others will become rich in me! You became lost so that others can find their way in me as their God"

And after this revelation from God, it started make sense for me. Although it still is so hard to accept. But I think the struggle is to be found in Jesus again so that I can dance in God's presence again. Thank you Jesus for this ongoing time of suffering. For I know I will surely growing in this time of suffering. But grant me the grace and strength to embrace my crosses just like you, Lord Jesus Christ.

Praise you, O Lord in the heavens for you make all things new!

I'm losing my way

2009-09-28T00:32:00.002+08:00

Its been a few months already that I've been in this state! I'm even not sure what this state is! Prayer life has been really mundane for me. I recall the Mark I used to be where I used to be a source of immense joy to all whom I meet in my daily life. Nowadays, life seems extremely mundane. And in a million ways, I feel so sad when I start to reflect on this. And I've been really try to not admit this for the past few weeks but as I was reading a friend's blog, I realised how exciting that person's spiritual life was so exciting and it just kept reminding of the person I used to be. The most frightening thought/reflection was that in so many ways I've stopping believing in & following my heart. And I'm not too sure about how or what has led me to this state of dismay & saddness. And even as I type this post, there is an immense saddness that overwhelms me.

As I start to reflect on this, I am sure that the work of ministry hasn't been the source of blame but I think it's more of the culture of ministry at my parish that has been a decent amount that has caused this. I recall how I keep trying to influence everyone to keep walking with God by following their hearts.

And I keep reflecting on my walk with Jesus too. Over the past few months, I haven't really felt that joy in the Lord. I also start to recall that instant joy I used to have every single day especially on friday mornings. In the midst of all this, I am very aware that Sin has also been the cause my conclusions on the state that I'm in now. These feelings are so difficult to express in words but there just seems to be this immense void in my heart!

Lord Jesus I just feel so lost and extremely far from the person that I love and look up to when your love formed me. And my identity was "The Man who followed his heart!" I pray from the depths of my heart for you to restore me! I miss that Mark Sebastian Abraham so so much! The man that is inspired by your Love!

The Call of Greatness

2009-08-24T16:49:00.004+08:00

In my life, I encounter so many people walking with Jesus from their hearts. And I'm talking about the people in this world who can really make a difference. These are the kind of people that serve & love our dearest God from their hearts. And when you get a chance to witness them serving in Ministry, you really do see the real person of Jesus in them. And if you get a chance to hear their sharings, you are just so sure that there is something so special about them. And you know that these are the kind of people that God has set out to achieve Greatness in this world because of our Lord Jesus! You know that it is solely because of Jesus that these people are set apart from everyone else to be great in this world. But nevertheless, these people go through the same kind of struggles as each and every one of us. They are surely not spared of the pains of walking with God!

But the question I think many of us might ask, "Does that mean we are not meant to be great in this world just ike them?" But I think we are always called to be great and God always gives us that opportunity to embrace that calling, but I guess as all of us still do belong to this world for now, we don't live up to that Calling of being great. But the 'Special Ones' answer & embraces that opportunity to be Great in this world.

An example would be how John the Baptist is set apart because he chose to make way for Jesus to take his role as the Saviour of the world. I could only imagine the amount of work John the Baptist had done before Jesus came in. But John the Baptist knew that his calling for Greatness had came to a close when Jesus came into the Picture!

But although I meet so many people of God who have that ability to be great, there are so few people that actually make it to the end. And as I was reflecting on this, I realised how sad God would be. He provides for all of us to be Great, but in the end so few of us make it to complete our Journey towards Greatness with God in this world. And the 2 names that come to my mind on the people that lasted through their Journey towards Greatness with God in this world is our Late Pope John Paul II as well as Blessed Mother Theresa. And it would probably make you a canonised Saint if you actually last that Journey to Greatness with God in this world!

May we look to them and our Lord Jesus to be Great in this world! Then others will know that We are Great because of Jesus! Jesus always makes us look Good!

Praise God!

Nature of our Hearts

2009-08-17T11:02:00.009+08:00

How do we treat our hearts? Its a question that not many of us would want to think about, because in many ways it'll whole load of reflection and time. But have you ever wondered how your heart feels about the way you're living your life? Or have you reached a state where you always become resistant towards the feelings that come from our hearts due to the ways & influences of the world. The culture & people from this world always teaches us to always use your head more than the heart. But yet again, I'll say that I'm an extremely firm believer of the heart. For me, talking from experience, I believe that it is at your precious heart where the Most high, our Lord Jesus dwells in.

Just think about it, remember the time when you had your first crush, your heart went right out for that person. And if those feeling went any deeper, you'd find yourself falling in love with that person. And i strongly will confirm that it was your heart and not your mind that was falling in love. And even in Spirituality, remember that 1st time when you were at a worship session and was so immense touched by the love of God. It was surely your dearest heart which made the presence of God so strongly & deepely felt. And I'd say that it is true that the Word of God should penetrate your hearts not your minds right.

So the question is, What is the nature of your heart? What kind of state is your heart in? Or have we just given up on all hope that our hearts gives us the true answer in all our doubts with regards to the ministry we serve in, career decision, our vocation and even a girl/guy we have fallen for. The mind comes in to make awareness of the facts involved in that situation.

And Jesus would be such an excellant example for us when we recall the amount of Love he had for his people. Try remembering the number of times when it was said in the gospels when Jesus' heart went out to his people when he saw how much they were in need of a Shepherd. For me, an analysis of what my heart is feeling is a constant practice for me. The way I feel in my heart is so so important for me. It is always the case where my heart moves me to behave the way I do towards everyone. And what has always been refreshing, has been God's afirmation of the way my heart moves for him through his love. Another affirmtion for me, is how God always reminds me to constantly ground my heart in his Love.

God's love is always the foundation of my heart. And then all other kinds of love will follow and fit in its perfect place in my heart. May you allow yourself time to look at the nature your heart today? I'm sure by you reading this post,it may be God's invitation or reminder to look at the state of your heart! Don't let your heart become a heart of stone!

Ezekiel 36:26

I shall give you a new heart; and put a new spirit in you; I shall remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

Trusting despite the unknowns

2009-08-03T16:25:00.002+08:00

Trusting in God is a call that many of us are always called to do in our walks with the Lord! Its something we as children of God will eventually have to go through. Its also an experience which will bring out the best & worst in us. It brings out the worst in us cause it may lead us into a state of argument with God. It may also bring out the best in us cause we all know that God is right and always does everything that would be the best for us. But at the end of the day, we know that for us to move forward, we are surely called to trust in God's plan for us!

But is it easier to trust in God when we know what situation we are getting ourselves into? In many ways, I think this becomes so difficult for people who haven't really made that step to trust in God. But I think for those who have constantly made steps to place their life in God's hands, it would be a little bit easier as we have had the experience of reaping the benefits of trusting in God's plan for us in our lives.

But what happens when God invites you to trust him even when you are not even sure of what would or could happen? That's an invitation of trusting despite having so many unknowns in your mind & heart! Would we still trust in God with the same faith God has blest us with, being so aware of the many unknowns that accompany us? I think this would lead us into serious contemplation whether trusting in God is the right way to go! I sure that those who have walked the journey, would have surely encountered such experience with our precious Lord Jesus! But if you reflect a bit deeper on the word of God, we are affirmed by the many stories of how God called his servants to trust despite the awareness of the numerous unknowns.

I'd obviously start with the famous Abraham who was called to trust in God when God called him to sacrifice his first-born and only Son, Isaac. If we look at it, it would the most ridiculous thing to do. Just imagine, Abraham & his wife had been waiting for years & years to be bear a child and when God had finally blest them with a Son, God asked Abraham to kill their only Son. I'm sure Abraham was so confused about why God wanted this of him. But nevertheless, Abraham trusted in God but as we know the story, God stopped Abraham just before he was about to sacrifice his Son. And that was God test for Abraham.

And the next experience would be Jesus called out to Simon Peter from the boat to walk on water with him. This defies all logic, but nevertheless, Peter trusted in Jesus' call to him. But as we also know, he started to realise that he was defying human limitations and soon started to freak out and soon started to sink. But Jesus still saved him when he lacked faith!

From this, we can be convinced that even our lack of faith & trust in God's plan for us, we know that Jesus will be holding our hands as we make that leap of faith to trust in God even if there are huge amounts of doubts and unknowns in our minds & hearts.

The question is: Will you walk into the deep with God and trust him wholeheartedly even if it makes no logical sense at all?

Have a little faith! Make that leap of Faith!

Praise God! God Bless!

Confirmation Camp 2009

2009-06-29T21:13:00.006+08:00

This is firstly one of God's most surprising presents from him to me.

At this year's confirmation camp'09 from 12-15 June'09, God gave me the role of being the Music IC at the camp. When I reflect upon this, I wonder every single time why God who had chosen me when he has blest so many others who are so much more talented than me in the area of Music!

And boy, was this role a challenge for me. But it was so amazing at the same time for me! God chose me and used me for his glory to bring others closer to him through the muscial talents he has blest me with. And till this very day, 20 months after learning to play the guitar, I still don't know how I got to this stage as a musician. I still see myself as a less than ordinary guitarist. And I think the whole experience of being the Music IC, has really humbled me as a musician. I felt like a different person during the camp! The music wasn't fantastic but it was good and there were so many times when I really couldn't believe that I was playing the guitar together with the team.

And for me, I had so much fun being a musician & a worship leader at the same time! I recall the worship session where I led & played the guitar, I could feel the immense presence & intimacy of God! It was truely like being in heaven with everyone! The feeling & experience was so intense & heavenly!

God truely uses his children and raises them to heights never imagined! I truely praise God for all that his has blessed me with and also the amazing music team he blessed me to work with!

Thank you my God! Thank you for your favour upon me!

The Gift of Prayer

2009-06-29T20:56:00.006+08:00

Wow its has surely been amazingly long since my last post. But my life has really seen & lived out the truth of Jesus being my saviour! And keep a constant prayer life has been the foundations of the life in the Spirit for me!

About 2 weeks ago, I felt like the little distance I felt between God & me had been becoming bigger & bigger. And I knew God was making me realise this before my spiritual life enetered a stage where the distance would be too emotionally difficult for me to bear. But then, I started to reflect on why there was even a distance to start with. After much analysis & reflection, I realised that I am person that loves to live in the Spirit of God and sometimes allows my business to replace prayer but I still want that joyful life in the spirit of God! I guess it was something that was never a problem when I was in lovely Perth! But this time my business was due not to church but rather to my Final project in school where my hours in school is like working-life (9-5.30pm) everyday. So I guess I still hadn't adjust to the lifestyle of working hard to sustain my prayer life!

So once this realisation was brought to mind, I started placing the priority of my sleep behind the priority of prayer! And the wonders it has done for me, has truely been a blessing and at many times, Prayer makes me feel like I'm living "Heaven on Earth!"

For me, Prayer brings that the presence of my experience of the intimacy I have with my dearest God. It brings about that union Jesus had promised us before he died for us! One of the most awesome graces that Prayer also does for me is granting Wisdom & Humility unto me. And the more I pray, I've come to the realisation that I able to see the world & people through the eyes of Jesus! And I testify that I am who I am because of Prayer!

Its a heavenly gift that many of us don't really grasp and understand. But trust me when I say this Prayer is what brings you to an experience of 'Living Heaven on Earth'! And the adoration room & the Eucharist is the best place to start!

Praise God!

Post - Perth

2009-05-23T19:55:00.002+08:00

Wow its been more 6 weeks since I came back from Perth and also since I last posted anything on my blog. Although many might have thought that Mark Sebastian's blog is dead, I'm here to try prove you wrong. Haha! Life has been so good ever since i came back from. And the awesome lies mostly in my spiritual life.

Here's an analogy of what my life has been like! You know when we make investments in something or someone we really believe in. And maybe months or years after the benefits of your investments in the person pays off in the end. You start to believe that it was truely the right decision in investing in that person! Well for me, its the same. Before I left for Perth, I felt that if I was to progress further in my Spiritual Life, I needed to invest in God! I needed to make Jesus the 100% rock in my own life. And for me, in my situation, it was a difficult thing to do, my finances weren't as good even before I left for Perth. But in the depths of my heart, I knew that it was the right decision to make.

And in the 6 weeks, I've witnessed the fruits of my investments in God. I've seen & experienced so many fruits from the time I've spent with God in Perth! Nowadays, Prayer has become a Joy and most importantly, its become a desire for me too. And I think through this time, I drawn so much closer to God.

And as God reminded me before I left Perth,

"Now that you have seen my Light again, I want you, Mark to be my Light in the Darkness for me and to also pave the way for the Lost!"

True enough, I've had the awesome opportunity of being a Light for Christ. I've also grown constantly with God as I continue to see situations & people through the loving eyes of Jesus! And may you also invest in God and allow him to bless you with fruit that will last!

The Departure of Perth

2009-04-07T16:58:00.003+08:00

Tonight I'll be leaving fo Singapore. And yes I changed my flight to experience the holy week in SFX instead. And what an experience it has been here at perth for the last 5 weeks.

When I started my journey in Perth, my desire was to be with God in his presence and delight in it as much as possible. And boy, its been so refreshing and awesome. I feel like God has truely renewed me and allowed my mind to be opened to the revelations of the Almighty One! Its about viewing things and people through the eyes of our compassionate & loving Jesus!

And Perth has truely been really good to me. The views here have been really awesome & indescribable. It has taught me how to be really patient and calm all the time as well as learning to appreciate the little things we are blessed with in life like giving our appreciation to the people who serve us like the Bus drivers and customer service personnal. But what excites me the most is what God has in store for me as soon as I get back. I'm really sure that God has alot of ministry planned for me when I get back. But it may all be as simple as allowing my joyful self to bring joy and hope to everyone I meet throughout my days in my life!

So I await my return after an amazing experience here in Perth. Its an experience that is truely priceless! Praise God! Amen!

Following our Hearts

2009-03-20T20:58:00.004+08:00

For those who are really close to me who know as someone who is in full support of trusting our hearts as we walk with our lovely Lord! For me, as I’ve said or blogged about many times, “The heart is the greatest gift that God has ever given because its only at our hearts where we feel the love that Go has poured out so amazingly upon us and its also at the heart where we truly are able to recognize and meet the love which Jesus himself poured out upon us through the death of his cross.

I guess its also why I always love walking upon God. Its just mainly because God embraces & respects that I need my heart whenever I walk with the Lord! Its only at our awesome hearts where God speaks to us and allows his grace to flow. And I am sure that its at our hearts where we feel the grace of God flowing in us, not even brilliant our minds are able to feel the grace & love of God. And of course using our hearts is something that this world of ours will never approve of.

As many guys would say that using our hearts is for girls but here comes a revelation from the heavens:

“It takes more courage to follow your heart that not to follow your heart because when you follow your heart, you will enter into a state where you will be left venerable and a feeling of unknowns of what would happen. It’ll lead you to a place where you could easily be abandoned but could also lead you to a place that's closest to heaven.”

It really does take true courage to follow your heart and the sad thing today is that even people in our parishes of our ministries don’t follow their hearts due to the influences of our seniors. But would following your heart lead to the evil one?

This is when the brilliant Spirit of God comes into place in our lives. If we are constantly indulging in things that are mastered by the evil one, then so too will our hearts be guided by the Spirit of the Evil one. This is what God himself did teach me whenever I followed my heart. For my heart to be seeking God, then it must be guided by the Spirit of God! But then I asked how? And that was when God revealed to me; ‘Prayer’ is the key for all of this to add up positively. Prayer is what keeps us constantly in the Spirit of God and allows our hearts to be molded by God & his Love.

So, following our hearts and always immersing ourselves in prayer is the key when we walk with God and know that along the way, God will always teach us the knowledge of God himself. Sin is what tries to separate us from God and steers our hearts towards the evil one. That’s when the true knowledge of God and his love is important. This knowledge would lead us back to God. And once we are the state of grace & love again, we will always be able to delight in God because our hearts always belong to him and he’ll be guiding us always.

Stay in tune with the Spirit of God and follow your hearts! Praise God!

What is Desire?

2009-03-15T19:51:00.003+08:00

What is desire for you? And what is the strength of your desire? This has been the latest wondering thought and reflection in my mind of the past 2 days. I guess these have been due to the reason of questioning what I am doing here and also what i hope to achieve while I'm here. Its been a trip that I'd been planning for 8 months but here there is a questioning of what I'm doing now that I'm here.

There's been many feelings of frustration as I just waste these precious days but in the depths of my heart, I am so aware of the great desire I have for this quiet time with God. But I am sure that time and again, the evil one keeps drifting my desired attention from God to something to keep wasting the whole day. But in the midst of these frustrations, there is a immense desire to read the brilliant books I bought, spend time in prayer, do writing on my reflections and also just delighting in God with the lovely views. And none of these desires have been touched with real depth.

But today as I reflect on Desire, i realize that Desire is something that's deep within your heart. Desire has the ability to make someone great in the sight of God when its worked upon. Desire can either become a negative influence or positive influence. And as I go a little more into depth, I conclude that desires we have in our hearts have got to do with what is it that we are do with our lives.

If we find ourselves caught in sin all the time, then obviously, we keep realizing that our deepest desires within our hearts are negative influences for us. We keep finding ourselves coming back to the starting point where we think about what we are doing with our lives.

But then again, most of the time, if we find ourselves being contented all the time with what we have and are given, we'll find ourselves filled with grace and joy as we are constantly driven by the awesome god-given desires in our hearts. And as a result, its a huge reflection of how our desires serve us as amazingly positive influences.

And in the spirit of lent, what is your desire? And is that desire drawing you closer to God? And if it is, then pray to God for the grace cause he has placed it there for a reason. But don't let anyone stop or discourage you from achieving that God-given desire in the depths of your amazingly glorious heart!

Beautiful Beach Day

2009-03-14T11:50:00.008+08:00

I must say that there's never been a more beautiful sight that I've seen with my own eyes and also be at the actual venue. I mean, I've have seen on the internet pictures of beautiful beaches but its a totally different story when you're actually there!

I know it looks so fake but its seriously real! Don't you just agree with me that its so beautiful?

And on top of the beautiful sight, I had such an excellent time with God at the beach. The beach made it so excellent for me to just soak in the presence of God and also got down to do some journaling as well. It was so easy to reflect in such a great beauty of God! And although it took me a week to settle down in Perth, the day at the beach was the best to really begin the joyful pilgrimage with God.

So Lord Jesus, I truly do praise and thank you O Lord for the beautiful sight which truly does underline you magnificence. Praise God!

Here some more pictures from Cottlesloe Beach on Perth. Enjoy!

The Arrival

2009-03-06T21:54:00.012+08:00

The arrival to Perth has been made. Last night as I arrived, feelings of awaiting something so special overwhelmed me. I started to feel God, just awaiting for me to arrive and spend the next 6 weeks of my spiritual holiday with him.

The past 24 hours has been quite fast though, and I am fully aware that there are many people betting that I’ll end up after the 6 weeks, just hating Perth for the boredom it gives. But so far its been so great I must say. My Godfather’s place is really good to relax with God.

How can the sights below, not give you a expression of God?

And how awesome is God to have given me a really awesome room i my Godfather's house. It's been such a blessing to have my Godfather to help me out with full accomodations in Perth. But in all things, I guess I'm really just excited to start entering ino full gear for prayer and whatever God wants me to do.

In the meantime, I know God has alot planned for me in the days of Lent. And I'm sure he's got alot planned for each of his children too.

Also, for those who need to reach, you can sms or call me at my usual mobile, without the need of any additions of area codes. I will update you on revelations from God as soon as I start with prayer. Please keep me in prayers! Thanks!

Praise God!

The Australia Trip

2009-02-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

Well its just 11 days away from my departure to Perth, Australia. So many people have been asking me why I’m actually going to Aussie. And of course, there’s been a series of guesses on my reasons for going to aussie. I’ve had guesses of an exchange trip, school attachment, mission trip, finding a girlfriend and the guesses and humor just keeps going on and on.

I am going to aussie to actually just really relax and do loads of reflections. The whole trip is basically for God alone and my desire to draw closer to him. And in many ways, its an investment in just giving 6 weeks of my time to God alone. This trip would also give me an opportunity to really experience that wholesome love of God even more. Its just like a holiday with God. And I think unknowingly, it underlines the importance of God to me.

So here’s the full details of my trip:

Venue: Perth, Australia

Duration: 5th March to 16 April (6 weeks)

Departure: 5th March – Budget Terminal @ 2.30pm

Arrival: 17th April - Budget Terminal @ 3.00am

Reason: GOD

The deep desire of Love

2009-02-22T22:06:00.002+08:00

There lies in me a deep desire to search and execute the many beliefs and visions I have in my heart. And in many ways, these visions and beliefs are thoughts that we as people of God may have maybe just stopped believing in due to the attractions of the world & the pressures that life throws at you. I’m not sure if you may have felt this way before.

It could be that vision of infinite love that we would want to experience everyday. But then again, no one can ever give that sort of Love except God. And there have been a million instances when I question God if it’s possible for someone to exhibit that sort of love or even whether it can ever exist? But what then again, what is your perception of that infinite love.

Today, as I just have a look at where we are as children of God, an element of sadness dawns upon me, as everyday I encounter so many of us wearing mask or putting on fronts for the world so that we may not be judged for who we really are. And as there have been so many times when this reflection point comes to mind, I just start to wonder what a world of truth & love would be like. And every single time, the conclusion of how we are being resistant to our feelings, desires and visions. But have we become resistant because of the world and the need to conform to the ways of the world? Have we lost the desire to follow our hearts or have we conformed to the safer way to just follow what the world teaches & instructs us?

But quite amazingly, in this weekend’s gospel, Jesus himself becomes amazed at the faith & persistence of 4 guys to ensure their paralytic friend becomes healed by healer. The reflection of how the 4 guys just never gave in to their inability to enter the place through the front door. But instead went beyond all possibilities and climbed up to the roof to come into the building. This just brings my reflections how much we just lack faith and instead conform and give up after facing so many road blocks to execute our visions and beliefs. And the main vision for me is to bring to everyone the sort of love that God himself lavishes unto us freely.

So I praise God for these reflections because it’s taught me to strive to never give in to the ways of the world & pressures of this life. It becomes a crime unto God that we commit if we conform. I mean if God believes in us so much to be the best we can then, how can we not have faith in ourselves to be the best we can.

This weekend I have learnt once more that it takes effort to get what we truly belief in our hearts. So I pray that we will trust our hearts and be always guided by the Spirit of God! And may you portray the Love of God to one extra person as soon as you're read this post!

Praise God!

The big 21st B'day

2009-01-11T23:47:00.002+08:00

What can I say about this whole day? I think in many ways, it kind of sums up my life and it all adds up for me. Its been a day that I’ve looking forward to for the longest time. And I think many of us look forward to our 21st birthday too. And at the start of this year, there were 2 events that I was looking forward to. And of course, my 21st was one of them and the second would be my trip to Aussie.

Today started with 9am mass and then the kind of a usual Sunday morning in church. But when I came home, a sense of weirdness and un-satisfaction came upon me. And from there, I started thinking about how the party at night would turn out for me. Then arose many thoughts of whether this night would really be a memorable one for me.

So I just carried on my day with my family and also helped the brilliant mother to clean the house for the party. And then the party came. I was quite amazed at how many people came. I think about 50 people in all came. It comes to me as a quite a shock that so many people would come to my 21st B’day celebration.

But when I round up the whole day, I would surely conclude that this day has been a simple one with its struggles and joys. But I especially take back with great memory in my heart, that I’ve been able to spend my 21st B’day with the ones I love dearly for the whole 24 hours. And the moment which took my breath away, was when I was cutting my 21st B’day cake. At that moment, there flashed the love of people before me and I was so nervous. But out of the whole 24 hours, that was the moment which really took my breath away.

And where is God in all of this, so you may ask? My answer is that God is in every split second of these last 24 hours. Throughout every moment of the day, I could see God hand’s in everything. And I know for sure too that that he is so happy that I had such an excellent & memorable 21st Birthday!

Lord Jesus, I thank you and praise you for such a simple but wonderful 21st Birthday! I love you O God so much. Thank you God for everything! And thank you to all who’ve sent me messages, wished me throughout the day, new confirmation group for remembering my birthday and lastly, thank you so much for all who came for my Birthday celebration at my house. Much love to all of you. Praise God!

PS: My post is in my favourite colour === RED! Of course I wore my favorite WYD red shirt. Pics should be out soon.

The reality of suffering

2009-01-02T21:18:00.001+08:00

Everyone would totally agree that suffering is really something so real & true but also something so difficult to bear. And I think in so many different ways, I also desire to escape it. But I think the phase of suffering I’ve been through has been a real difficult experience. It been one of those experiences where we wonder how did we ever survive.

But yes, over the past 3 months, there’s been immense suffering mostly deep within the depths of my heart. And I think that what has made the last 3 months so difficult has been the 1 reason of how I wasn’t able to conclude on what I was going through. And for me, being in a situation where I didn’t know what was happening or where the whole experience was leading me to brought great amounts of frustration.

For me, it was something that I never saw coming and would never have been the way I would plan my 2008 year to end. During the built-up towards Christmas, I only felt the Christmas feeling on the 24th of December. There just seemed to be so much of struggle that I just really couldn’t see how I would be able to rejoice in this time. Even in such a devastating experience, I still couldn’t conclude on what was happening or where this was heading towards.

But in the midst of this difficult experience, God was in suffering with me too. And what brings much sadness is how unfair & cruel I was to God. I kept shouting at God and demanded explanations on what was happening to me. This experience really brought out so much anger & frustration from me. And although I felt abandoned by everyone, in my heart I knew God would do anything to save me from such a devastating situation but then I wouldn’t learn anything from this experience.

Hence, I think one of the most awesome fruits I take from this ongoing experience, is how I’ve learnt to have more patience with God and to wait upon God. Another fruit is how I’ve learnt that Suffering is part our walks with God. It’s something that I can’t keep running away from. I still think that this experience is ongoing but I’ve learnt to accept this time of suffering.

Many would think and ask what is the suffering actually? In so many ways, it just feels like there’s so much pain in my heart. But I think its just the difficulty in accepting that my walk with God will not always be joy and also in accepting the will of God for the plan he has for me in my life, together with my demands for an explanation for all that’s happened.

But still in all things, I wanna praise God still for carrying me in his arms and ensuring that I’m still taken care of. I praise God for the special graces of leading his people in my parish of SFX. I am so sure that the Holy Spirit has been guiding me as I guide the youths of the Parish!

PS: To my dearest cell group, I want you to know that I miss every single one of you. All of you have been so instrumental in my walk with God. I hope all of you had an excellent Christmas & New Year. I hope to see all of you soon. Love all of you loads!

The search for something more

2008-12-07T23:47:00.003+08:00

Of late there’s been this sense of desire for my search of something that can’t really be put in words. I think that part of this is because, there is the constant yearning for something that is more holy, godly & extraordinary. Its really something so hard to describe.

But the past 2 months have really been the toughest for me, in the aspect where there have been many challenges from God. And many of these challenges have been about being more consistent in my prayer life. I think I’m also reaching a point in my spirituality where my life belongs to God. In the past, its about following but not really submitting totally to his plan for me. But of late, its really about surrendering my life to God and living out the plan he has for me.

Many of my close friends would have realized that there’s been a sense of dryness within me in the aspect of my outward joy. Yet at this point of time, I still am not able to explain why this has happened. But over this phase in my walk with God, I’ve come to trust more in God and be more dependent on God. Its been so tough still because many would know that I love being joyful but in this time, its really about trusting that God must have a reason for this. But its not been no joy at all. There has been joy, but in really short spell of joys. But still I praise God that despite the dryness in joy, I’ve still been growing and trusting God more with my life.

And I guess in many ways, this joy is what I’ve been yearning for and I am sure in God’s own time he will release this heavenly joy unto me. I await for this heavenly joy which my heart longs for day and night. And a deeper yearning in my heart is to live my life for God in a way where its never ordinary. Praise God!

The ongoing stint of extreme struggle

2008-11-17T13:49:00.004+08:00

For those who have been in touch with me, you'll would know the many struggles I've had to go through of late. In all my life, I've never been faced with so much struggles at once. Its really been a time of a test of my faith in God and his plan for me. Praise God for at having time to think about all these thoughts & struggles I'm encountering in a phase of my life where there seems to be so much pain.

Basically of late, the struggles I've been facing are the problems with working with people and in that state of struggle, I've also been facing the struggle of whether the decisions I make constantly is part of the will of God. I keep asking myself and in quite a big way doubt myself of my abilities. Another struggle is accepting the will of God with a particular situation that God set for me as part of his plan for me in my life. This has been the main struggle and its been 3 weeks already. Another struggle has been the passing of the closest uncle to me 2 weeks ago. It was such a devastating moment for me as it seemed like I kept being pounced with struggle after struggle and nothing at all seem to come my way with any positives. On top of all this, there's been some difficulties at school with understanding my modules for this semester. I have no idea why all of this have come at once but I still believe there is a great reason for this stint of extreme struggle.

But in all my struggles, I still praise God so much for all of this. Despite the struggles, the marvelous thing about all this is that I've been able to really draw more closer to God and more importantly, really cling with all my life onto God and Jesus' Cross! It has really been through this process where God has revealed to me how much he loves me and how much he cares for me. This has been an experience & a testimony where I've been able to experience the fruits of my relationship with God.

So although the struggles still mount, my desire is to cling to God with all I have and I know his grace will be sufficient for me. I am aware that this phase isn't ending soon but I trust in God's plan for me. So to all those awaiting my joyful morning messages, keep me in your prayers. I miss the joyful Mark Sebastian Abraham too but I guess with every joy, comes suffering. So Praise God for my struggles and a new & ongoing experience. Amen!

Message for World Mission Sunday

2008-10-21T19:31:00.002+08:00

As World Mission Sunday passed, I have had some time to think about the message Christ has given us. And for me, I can’t help but think how some many things just channel us to message of Mission. It’s like the perfect timing for all these to have happen.

I am quite sure you must be thinking what I’m referring to. Well I am referring to the timing of how the economy has been torn down & the timing of World Mission Sunday is both happening at the same time. When I read the papers about how so many people are wondering how much they’ve lost because of such a downfall in the economy, I start ponder on how sad these people are. But when I go for mass, I still see how happy our Priests are. This would truly be a question then of where does our treasure lie?

At almost every mass, the priests are never forgetting to pose this statement to us, “The economy downfall is a true testimony of how something like money is determined as strong by the world can just shatter so fast. This is a true lesson from Jesus, asking us who or what we are dependant on?”

This links so much with World Mission Sunday, as we are questioned on what is our mission here on earth. Even for myself, God questions us, whether our goal is to earn as much money as we can?

But as Friar Joseph said on Sunday, are we proclaiming to the world about this Gold of Jesus to the world? This Gold who will never ever be shattered! And in many ways, we are called to reflect on whether we are proclaiming to this shattered world about this ever-sustaining Gold!

So as Disciples of the Lord, may we as a Church proclaim to the world about the Gold in Jesus! And may our Lives reflect the reason why we should claim the Gold!

The Return

2008-10-21T19:09:00.003+08:00

After going through something of which I would call a true physical struggle in finding time for God. In my time of working at OCBC Bank, I am truly thankful to God for the great and simple life he has given me. In my 6 weeks of working, it was truly a difficulty to find strength to spend time in prayer. Its was not just because of work but also because the many commitments I had at nights like tuitions, church meetings or planning for some church event or session. There was absolutely no time at all for rest of mind or prayer. It was like there was not enough time for anything at all. And I think it’s been the first time in my life when I’ve had to really plan out my day to the very hour. It was a mixture of both excitement & stress on my mind, but more on the stress.

But I am so happy with my vocation as a student. It has truly been a chance to appreciate people & time. And the even better news for me is that my school schedule is quite slack and also for the first time, it’s a 4-day week school schedule. Praise God! What a difference I must say in terms of free time.

But I will accept that the past 6 weeks have not been a waste of time but I have learnt how much less I want money and how much more I want God.

And there’s been so many times when I have asked myself this question,

“Mark, would you give up all that money that you’ve earned?”

And every single time, without hesitation, I am always answering a full YES! I guess maybe God has brought me through this experience to spread to the world that God is the only way to having a fulfilling life.

So to all hearts who feel like there’s no reason to hold, let go of whatever it is that you are holding onto and come to Jesus! Praise God!

PS: The joyful & happy Mark Sebastian Abraham is back. Thanks Lord Jesus!

Desire for Ministry to be alive everyday

2008-10-05T21:02:00.003+08:00

From the time I answered the invitation to return to God last year, I made a promise and also request to God. This promise was sort of a stipulation I had placed before God as I return to doing the work of God again.

I told God,
“Lord Jesus, if I return to you to serve you in your vineyard, I have 1 request to ask of you. Lord, may the work I do for you in wherever you call me to serve ever become a job and so mundane that it becomes so ordinary and boring. But Lord, may you enlighten me always and make my journey & ministry become extraordinary, exciting & enjoyable.”

But lately, this has been the main struggle for me. Ever since I’ve started working in OCBC bank as my holiday job, I have been finding it so difficult to manage my time and also keep up in my spiritual life. Its been a real bothering thought for weeks as enter into somewhat a state that I have always disliked. It’s a state when ministry become so normal and also something I experienced some years back but whenever I talked to people about it the common answer I received was that it was all part of ministry. But as in many of the posts I’ve written, I have always diminished the thought of living a mundane life.

But despite this struggle, God has never once left me alone. It was always God who directed me especially in times of struggle and desperation for something special to happen. But I truly praise God for this realization of my life becoming too mundane. It has also been in this process of realization when God has shown me the difference in the power of God and the power of humans. As there’s been many times in the previous weeks where I have missed out on my prayer time, in those times, I have been facing the struggle of going beyond human limitations to reach somewhere I have been in the past. But this is a true testimony of how we can never be in the presence of God without the grace & strength given from God. And it is truly through our efforts of prayer where we receive this strength & grace.

But today God reminds me to come to the throne of grace to receive him as I am with all my struggles & limitations placed at the foot of the cross. And this is also a true fact that all the dreams & desire to more like Jesus and to never make life mundane is all from God as all these desires leads me closer to God! So Lord Jesus, I praise you for this important realization and I prayed that my spiritual walk with you will always be alive & active just like the Word of God!

Depending on God's Strength

2008-09-24T23:10:00.003+08:00

Wow life has really been on the fast lane. These days, it feels like I am living life on a F1 race. But I’ve been receiving the grace to accept it and embrace it. And if you’re wondering why I haven’t been blogging, well its been my lack of time and there’s been so many things I’ve been desiring to blog on. So I am going to put in more effort.

Anyway, firstly, I wanna really praise God for really good results. Its really been a blessing I must confess as God has really just shown me the way and guided me all the way through. I got 3 Bs, 2 B+ and just 1 C. And for the C that I got, I actually had failed this module before the exam but due to really doing well for my main exam, I managed to get a C. It was the one module which I was struggling so much with until to a point of devastation. But God guided me and together with the prayers of the many lovely people from my cell & parish, God saved me. The is a really good lesson for me to continue believing that God will show his mighty power in the ones who are weak and are dependant on his grace & strength.

My present busy schedule has been caused by my acceptance to take a job for the holidays. I am currently working at OCBC Bank as a Telemarketer. Its also been sort of a dream to work in a bank. But I think, of late, my job has been so routine that I think I’ve really missed out the many positive graces I can receive from working at the Bank. But as all of you should know, that working in a bank comes with targets to be met. This has been the main struggle over these past 3-4 weeks. But yet again God reminds me to trust in his perfect plan for me. He reminds me that as I struggle to meet these targets, to really draw strength from God and he surely will provide. The example was shown today. Everyday, we have a target of 3 applications to be submitted. So yesterday, I only had 1 application and then I started to question God about his plan for me. But God kept reminding me to trust in his plan for me. And so I just trusted in him. The most amazing thing happened today then, I got 6 applications. This yet again illustrates how God works in those who think they are lousy and the worst. God just proves his power!

So I really praise God so much for using me to illustrate his power. Thank you Lord Jesus for using me! May all the Glory belong to you, Lord! Amen!

PS: Stay tuned for much more exciting & inspirational post! There are so many more posts in my heart waiting to exalt my Lord.

Lay Apostolate Sunday message

2008-08-17T19:46:00.002+08:00

The message of Lay Apostolate Sunday, over the weekend that's just past has really been extremely amazing! There’s been so many times when we as humans jump to conclusions on interpreting the message of, “The harvest is plentiful but laborers are few.” So many have been culprits to jumping to conclusions especially myself about our priests giving a message that we should be answer the call to the priesthood & religious life. But this Sunday, the priests have brought out the message of the laity being called to serve in Church!

Well this Sunday, I had the chance to attend 2 masses, one of which was on Saturday at OLPS and the other of course, at my parish of SFX. Both priests gave the excellent but real message that there are numerous people out there in the world searching for a God and for love in their life. All of them are searching for something extra special that the world doesn’t provide and something that money can’t buy.

For those whom I’ve shared with, would know that I’m extremely happy and excited of the news of our new parish priest at SFX. Father John Bosco who arrived at my parish at the start of this month, has been really awesome so far. So you can see that I’m another fan of him. It’s really something I can’t put into words but I know that there’s something really special about him. Anyway, he gave the message of people needing something extra special in their own lives. But the focus wasn’t just on the need for the people who aren’t in ministry to start being part of one. That was only half of the message.

I would think that the encouragement God gives us in his word of how we are called everyday to spread the news of the Gospel in whatever situations we are in. The message that there is a need to come out of our comfort zones to spread the news about this amazing God that we have and also always draw strength from the source-giver, God himself through prayer! I was really struck by this message and it really affirmed & encourages me to do more to spread the love, peace & joy of Jesus Christ!

And I guess there’s been so many times when I myself have been afraid to go out of my way to be more evangelical to spread the news of God but I know that it is in God himself where I find the grace, courage & strength to be a disciple of Christ Jesus!

So with this in mind, may we always inspire everyone to be more loving & welcome to more & more people whoever they may be or wherever they may come from. Let us continue to seek this God and always be a beacon of Light for this world! Let us be this example of Love for Christ Jesus! Praise God!

God gives me a gift

2008-08-17T18:54:00.013+08:00

God truly knows me so well. In actual fact, he knows me more than myself. He is really so sweet when he gives gifts. It really touched my heart so much. I knew that God & I have really great times during prayer when he moulds me and teaches me his ways, but never would I expect such a gift. I am so thankful to Aunty Corinne for being used by God and being extremely sweet to think of me and give me a gift.

Well I’m sure you’ll must be thinking, “Mark, isn’t about time you told us what the gift is?”

And Yes I'll tell you. After desiring so much to get a World Youth Day shirt for the longest time, Aunty Corinne & my Godpa & especially God has given me a WYD’08 shirt. When Aunty Corinne passed me the shirt this morning after mass, I was totally shocked and I wished I had taken the expression on my face because I was extremely happy! I really could remember the joy I had in my heart. I am still in quite a state joy of receiving the gift!

This gift is so simple but yet, it means the world to me that I received this gift. It’s been a desire that’s been in my heart for the longest time. After checking out the prices of the WYD’08 shirts online, I was totally in utter dismay of the prices of the shirts but then Sarah who’s in aussie studying had then offered to like get the shirt for me and would then pass it to me in a few months. But I never at all expected anyone to actually get me a gift of such. I am extremely happy and encouraged to seek God even more after receiving the WYD’08 shirt. I hope you can really feel the joy I feel. It’s so amazing.

And I guess why I’m so happy about this shirt is because I really wanted a piece something so special to the heart of God, The World Youth Day! During the WYD’08 when everyone else was there, I felt so sad that I wasn’t able to be there but I knew that God was preparing me so something more or maybe the next WYD in 2011 in Madrid. But even then God provides for me as the EWTN website had live coverage of the WYD’08. I guess another reason is that I’m a huge fan of the Pope. Actually I’m a fan of all Popes! So I really love to hear the sermons and messages the pope gives to the Universal Catholic Church. So thankfully, God provided a way for me to catch the finale mass of WYD’08 live.

Hope you can see my Joy! Haha!

Looks quite good on me or rather it makes me look good!

The shirt looks so very awesome!

I love it!

So Lord Jesus Christ, I give the utmost glory & praise for this gift and also for the gift of Aunty Corinne who’s more of a Godma to me & also to my Godpa. May you bless them always with your blessings and graces! Praise the name of Jesus!

The studying weekend

2008-08-10T23:26:00.005+08:00

Well this weekend was really tough as God told me to obediently head to my books to study. When god told me this, I felt so sad and was totally not looking forward to the weekend. But as I realized how much I was struggling with my toughest module, Dynamics, I knew I really had to start studying.

So this weekend, from Friday evening onwards, it was really intense studying guided & comforted by god! The only sort of chilling out was, firstly, on Friday when I went for evening mass & later adoration. Secondly, was when I had supper with Jerome & Freeman for about 2 hours. And lastly, was Sunday, when I went for mass and then had the usual YV session.

But though it may seem like complaining, it’s actually not as I’m getting to the interesting part. As I was studying the stuff in the module started to get easier and the more I started to redo my tutorial questions, the more I started to understand. Another interesting point to note is that before this weekend started, I felt that I would be really bored to death studying and not being able to go out to enjoy with friends especially with my cell jave a great time at east coast. But actually, as I studied, God helped replaced that void with his presence. With the presence of God overflowing in my room, I started to enjoy it and especially my celebrations when I solved together with God the really tough problems.

So this weekend was one where I needed to actually listen to God and do what he told me to do obediently. It was something God wanted me to learn. It was really tough to just block off my whole weekend and just devote it to studying but it ended out to be a good decision! Before this weekend, I knew nothing about this module but now I know quite a bit. All thanks to the amazing God I have! Thank you Lord! You always plan my life so beautifully! Amen!

PS: I'm so happy that my cell has an awesome time at east coast on saturday. Thanks so much to Sury for calling and checking up to see how I was doing! Totally appreciate it. Thnaks also to all who were praying for me! Your prayers really sustained me!

Faith in Jesus

2008-08-03T22:03:00.003+08:00

Well lately, this has been my new desire, FAITH! Over the week, I’ve has asking our Almighty God to increase my faith in him. I’ve really wanted to be able to have true faith in the Almighty God!

You know there have been so many stories & parables from Jesus, himself speaking about Faith. And there’s been so many times when the priests would give homilies on how much we lack faith in god and how when a storm comes by, we lose faith in god by the after struggle so much. After God comes into the situation to show us how real he is, we receive the revelation of the reality of the presence of God in earth as well as in our lives! This message would bring back to me many memories where I have both stuck with god & had faith in him as well as many times where I foolishly trust in the world rather than the Almighty God.

The most recent time I recall when I totally lost faith in God was when my classmate’s sister had passed after a car accident. Although, I still had faith in god to reaffirm & guide her, as she was in a state of shear desperation of something special revelation from God. But in throughout this experience, I kept think of death so much and I was just in a state where I was so down and out without any joy in God at all. My faith had really been shaken to its weak foundation I had. Suddenly, I started to think whether God was really real. It really took awhile for me get out such a state. But I think that it was then when God literally carried me on his back and really made sure I was able to carry on in ministry, school and life itself. I can’t actually remember how I managed to remove myself from such a state of negativity. I am sure God just carried me out of it.

Now on the lighter side, the most recent time I recalled when I had placed my faith in God fully, was during the confirmation camp ’08. I blogged about it too. It was when everyone in the service team was so afraid whether the confirmants were going to be touched by God. I was afraid too, but through the grace of god, I placed my faith & trust in God and was instructed by God to spread he faith to the service team. After the confirmants had all been touched by God, it was a sense of great joy for me and I praise for giving me the faith to trust in him. The feeling was so great and awesome to have trusted in God in a time of doubt.

Faith! It does wonders for us! It guides us especially in times of deep doubt & struggle. It is the foundation of our religion. It’s something that is given by God and also something that the world will disagree. It helps bring out the hope to see the best in people. And having faith in God also helps us have faith in people. I have realized that when I trust more in God, I start to have greater faith in people. There is a deep need for us to have faith in people because its gives others to shine as the children of God. And there’s been so many times when people serving in ministry are so critical. It was first Christ who had faith in us and we too must try to imitate Christ. There have been so many experiences I’ve had when I get a chance to see the joy in someone's face when the little chance is given. It’s just something so unreal yet unbelievable.

And so after praying and desiring so much for Faith this week, I have realized & discovered that God had granted my request, He really had instilled in me more faith in him. But I hope I will be able to put my full trust & faith in God. I will continue to seek faith as I grow deeper with God. May we desire for faith in God and also start to have faith in people and imitate Christ’s grace, faith and love more and more each day.

Praise you Almighty God! Amen!

You're Smart, Mark

2008-07-27T21:09:00.005+08:00

For years, I would hope for the day when someone would compliment with the words of ‘Mark, you’re smart!” After such a long time, someone actually complimented me by those kind words. I was kind of shocked too especially considering who it came. But nevertheless, it made my day into such a joyful one on Friday.

I guess this goes a few years back into the history of my life. As those whom I’ve shared before, I used to be in a state of not being able to forgive myself for entering into ITE. This continued even after I entered Temasek Poly. I couldn’t come to terms to forgiving myself as it really brought me down to a level where I felt that I was really so stupid. And there were so many times when I complained to God on why I was like this. And I just used to hate myself for entering ITE. To make things worse, the people I met everyday in Church were people who were so intelligent and smart studying in JCs or Polys. I guess after awhile it got a little bit intimidating. But these thoughts weren’t like everyday & every second kind of stuff. These were just thoughts that I chose to leave at the back of my mind so that it wouldn’t be such a struggle in ministry. But it was one of those struggles which will come back to haunt you time and again until you actually choose to deal with the issue or struggle. So throughout my time in poly during my 1st year, I would really struggle at times with this.

But then it was last year when the whole load of struggles I was trying to carry on my back by myself became too heavy for me that God needed to do special to get my attention and be curious.

Well, I was in the adoration room around last year June. Then God did something to make me really curious to find out what happened. So I met up with Sury, Becks & later Pris Tan came by too. And as I talked with them, they felt that it were huge burdens I were carry. And then they went on to pray for me and told me to place all of it at the feet of Jesus. And as they were praying, God reminded me deep within my heart of how I had not forgiven myself for entering ITE. And then I shared that when them, together with God and them, I started to realize how my entry into ITE was part of the plan of God for me in my life. After the deep realization, I forgave myself and started to love the person I was and also to start allowing God to mould me into the person he wants me to be!

A year later which is now, I reflect and wonder how precious that night was to me as I forgave myself and allowed God to come in. And just last night, I was reflecting on how I got smarter as the year had progressed and I came to only 1 conclusion, “I have only god to thank for this as I didn’t do anything to become smarter except drawing close to Jesus!”

And to actually explain how God has made me smarter would be a total mystery even for me. Its one of those instances where it’s explainable but I only can praise God for this!

May you be able to draw close to God and experience the joy of being in his presence and allowing him to mould you into the person he wants you to be. His 1st plan for you is really amazing and so unreal!

So I praise you O God from the heavens for making me smart! I am in total awe of your grace & goodness! Thanks you Lord! Amen!

Clinging onto the Cross

2008-07-23T21:58:00.012+08:00

What does it mean to cling onto the cross of Jesus? Does it just mean to leave all our struggles and worries at the foot of the Cross or do we have to literally cling onto the cross of Jesus in times of struggle?

As Jesus himself says it in the bible, “If you remain in me, then I will remain in you.”

Since my recent increasing desire for prayer, I have been facing quite a few fears and struggles. Firstly, the fears I’ve been facing have been like fears of whether I will be able to constantly be in the state of prayer and still have conviction in God. The main fear has basically been whether my faith will be alive. I was so afraid of being the ordinary catholic praying fervently and not being alive & joyful in faith. But every time, I talk to God about this fear, he always reassures me that he knows what I need to be sustained in my prayer life and ensured that he’ll provide for me. Another fear has been whether I’ll be able to leave everything and start this new life of prayer. I guess it’s the title of ‘living a life of prayer’ which really started to scare me quite a bit, then God just kept reminding me about how simple he has put praying to him is for me and that I should start making my own way of this life of prayer and not try to forced into this life of prayer.

Now, in terms of struggles, I’ve been really struggling through these past 2 days of trials that I’ve been facing. I guess, I’m not used to going through trials for a whole and what more 2 whole days. It kind of shows how dependent I am on the grace of God to get me through these trials and tribulations. As I continued to think about this, I realized how much conviction I had in God but not much faith & trust in God when it came to facing trials in my spiritual journey. Maybe this is the result of living very comfortably in the presence of God. I guess I keep forgetting that you will still face trial & tribulations despite your answer to the Call of God. In some sense, I’m just very used to being happy everyday and when suddenly I face some difficult situation especially in my journey with God, I start t lose faith & trust in God and start to doubt whether God is really there.

But in all of this, after spending quiet time with God in the adoration room earlier, God revealed to me that it was a transition period into another level of my spiritual journey for me. As he revealed that to me, I started to see how God was still active in my life even as I started to doubt his presence. For those who have got the latest August issue of the ‘Word among us’, the theme for this issue was about faith. It talks about how much faith we have in God and then what faith does for us. So actually God was working still in me but I was blinded by my worries about his absence. Its kind of funny also when you think about it. Haha!

Anyway, I have truly learnt what it means to cling onto the Cross of Jesus. It means that although at that point in time, it may seem as the most ridiculous thing to be trusting in God but when we speak to God, we will be feeling a sense of growth in ourselves that we still trusted in God despite the evil one trying to mess with and disrupt our close & loving relationship with God! So praise God for the gift of faith as it allows us to grow in Christ!