This present experience of my ongoing discernment is one of a true test of Faith! Its one where the requirement of keeping myself spiritually fit is a must. It has become a must because the level of intensity that I'm facing now is so great that it could shatter me. Its an intensity that could either make or break me. And over the duration of this discernment, as much as I wonder & doubt whether this is truely God's plan for me, I have come to see the true power of God in my Life. I've come to experience a level of intensity within my heart that can become so excruciatingly painful in my heart, yet also have a union with God in the midst of that excruciating pain.
In the past, I have seen how much God has changed my life. But has only been in this discernment when I've seen how powerful God is when he works in the very small details in my life. And the largest area of Growth I have come to see in myself has been how the Fruits of the Holy Spirit has been even more evident in my life. And another area of extreme growth has been my ultimate Desire to do the Will of God.
There was a saying by this Redemptorist Priest, Fr. Bill Heng, of which I will never forget.
"If you cannot find anything worth dying for, then you will never find anything worth living for!"
And through the course of this Discernment, this is what I have come to find. All praise unto God yet again because he had initiated this process and made everything possible. My part was to just embrace what he was offering unto me. Praise God!
As I continue to move forward in my discernment, there still lies this immense union & peace in the depths of my heart, despite the excruciating pain in my heart due to the great intensity. Day by day, my desire to do the will of God in my life is becoming stronger. Although the road ahead is a long one, I depend on Jesus to carry me through this path of a True test of Faith.
Lord Jesus, walk with me in this discernment and carry me through the great intensities. Help to unite my sufferings, pains & joys with you on your Cross. Dearest Mama Mary, walk with me in this discernment. Help to be like you Mama Mary, never hesitating to do the will of God, no matter what the cost.
"I am the Handmaid of the Lord. May it be done unto me according to thy word!"
