Confused

It's a state that I've been in for 1-2 months. In this discernment of whether to go to Aussie or stay in Singapore, I've been brought through moments of reflections that I would never have imagined to be struggling from. In recent weeks, I've been at a real lost as to where I'm headed towards in my discernment. I've also been experiencing emotions that I would never imagined myself to be experiencing. But the presence of God has been very present.

At the start of this discernment, I honestly assumed that making a decision at the end of the discernment would be an easy one. In the 1st month of my discernment, it seemed quite clear where my heart lay. It would only seem right that I was feeling so strong & happy about the possibility of studying in Aussie and eventually moving there. It was a thought that really brought much consolation, joy & peace. But amidst these emotions, subconsciously, I was in the sense sort of running away from what has been with me for years. That would be my parish, SFX and my community, Youth Vineyard. In that 1st month of discernment, it really felt like an easy decision to leave them for a valid reason to further my studies. I would call this first month the 'honeymoon month' of my discernment. But just like in any other commitment, we know that the journey that follows after the honeymoon phase would a very challenging month if we believe that the rest of the journey would be just like the honeymoon phase. This is exactly what had happened in my current discernment. In just so many ways, I'd underestimated the very depth & gravity of the importance & significance of what is present in my life in Singapore. These are my family, youth vineyard, SFX youth ministry, serangoon district and my roots.

As the discernment progressed into the 2nd month, the love in my family increased and so did the love & unity in yv & sfx youth ministry. In my heart, I struggled to come to terms that the very great struggles of the past were starting to become real strengths in my life. God started to touch & heal me in my deep hurt & wound on community. My perfectionist nature started to become one of a community nature. I started to grown in love with community! I started to grow into a greater love & appreciation with the very struggles & obstacles I felt about in the past. In my heart, I asked myself, "Mark, is it really your desire to leave?"

The discernment took on a totally different pattern of reflections & inclinations. My heart seemed to be torn between staying & going. My heart just seemed so divided. Confusion as to where I was headed towards grew more & more each day! I couldn't understand what had brought this on. I had done nothing to increase my love for these things but it seemed inevitable that I would grow in a greater love & appreciation of what was presently in my life here in Singapore, whether I did something about it. Love for what was present kept growing. This could never be the work of anyone else except from above. But amidst all these emotions, it seemed evident that the decision to take a discernment for this was a very wise & good choice to make. And I guess that this is also what discernment is about. We need to discern because we desire to find out God's direction in my life.

At the moment, my heart feels weary of where I'm headed towards. I guess it's only human nature that I'd be feeling this way because as humans, we become weary when we're in a situation of the unknown. But in the unknown state, I know that god calls out to me to trust that he walks right beside me in my weariness and that I should trust in his beautiful plan for me. I feel scared of losing many things & people. This is a very real possibility. But I am very sure that this discernment will surly purify my motives whether I stay or go.

Lord Jesus, fear fills my heart. And I'm scared of many things. But i know you're here with me. Jesus, I trust in you for I know that you always have my interest at heart! Lead me, Lord to your holy will. Grant me more of your grace to trust & depend on you, Jesus!

Put your hands in the hands of the Lord and never let go!