A greater depth

Our God is a God that really has a good idea of what he is doing. This was how I felt after attending the recent International Catholic Charismatic Renewal & Services (ICCRS) Leadership Training Course that drew leaders from 14 countries. It was a very rich experience! It was an experience of God & his Bride, the Catholic Church. It was really an experience like no other. I feel very privileged & honoured to have attended this course/conference. It was such a joy to be in the midst of people that were truly after the heart of God.

A few days prior to this conference, I was feeling quite apprehensive of going. I was wondering what purpose God had for calling me for this. There were many reasons why I was feeling this way, like how I would be missing out on our parish's Confirmation Camp, how I had to be away from everyone as it was a 7-day conference at the Major seminary, also how I felt I wasn't prepared spiritually for this 'attas' conference. I just felt like I wasn't the right person in our parish's youth ministry to be sent for such a prestigious conference. Though I had some charismatic gifts of the Holy Spirit, I wasn't fully convinced that the Charismatic renewal was for me and what more for me to sent as a representative of SFX youth ministry. I guess I felt very inferior to all the other 'big shots' going for the same conference. And I just truly felt very unworthy and also under-qualified. I was just giving reasons for God to not make me even better, according to his standards. There was this great element of pride within me because I was becoming too comfortable in this state of being 'warm' for God! It was my big pride talking and making reasons for God not to humble me. But ready or not, God had plans to heal & renew me! God had a pretty good idea of what he was doing. And so, I went to the conference feeling very unready, but I just trusted in God and entered with openness to all that God had planned for me.

Jim Murphy! Truly an amazing man of God!

At the start of the retreat, I just kept asking myself what on earth I was there for at the conference. I just kept telling God that I was a nobody! But God in all his gentleness, just invited me to be open and also assured me that there was a reason for me to be there. And so I just remained open in my heart. Slowly, I started to make some friends with people from the other countries. As the first day began, I was totally amazed that the topic for the 1st day of classes at a catholic charismatic conference was on Ecclesiology, which is essentially the theology about the Church! This really set the tone that leaders at this conference were called to be more rooted in the teachings of the Catholic Church. The classes were really good as I came to a much greater understanding of what and who the Catholic Church really is. The classes were very in-depth & theoretical, but in a very interesting way, the theology ministered to me in the very depths of my heart. I started to grow into a much deeper love with Christ as well as the Catholic Church. As the classes went on, I knew that deep within my heart, there was this immense brokenness that i have been running away from for the last couple of weeks. It was such an immense brokenness within me that I had incredible fears of facing it. But God knew very well what was in my heart. And God didn't waste much time. In this conference, the classes would be in the day and before dinner, we would have an hour of adoration. After dinner, we would have sessions. And on the 1st night, the ex-president of ICCRS, Allen Pannozza spoke on the Father's Love. It struck a very deep chord within my brokenness as I entered into a deep encounter of the Father's love. As Allen spoke, tears welled up in my eyes as God just loved me. It ended quite badly as I was in tears at the end of the session. At that moment, I was feeling quite emotional. So I headed over to the 9th station of the outdoor stations of the cross which was the station where Jesus fell for the 3rd time. I believe that it was in this very moment when the unconditional love of God brought a very deep healing in all its fullness! I cried out all the brokenness within my heart as God wiped away every tear. I had finally received the healing that I had desired ever so much for. It was made perfect because it was a healing that took place in God's time! Before I left that station, God just spoke out to me, "Mark, my son, you have time. So don't rush this process. If you're not ready to move forward. It's okay. Take your time. You have time." That night as I went to sleep, I was struggling to forgive myself for the mistakes I'd made. In many ways, I just felt so embarrassed for the mistakes I have made. 


As the retreat continued, I slowly came to realize that it was my big pride standing in the way of forgiveness of my mistakes that I was deeply embarrassed by. I just couldn't accept the mistakes I made. This was yet again my pride speaking out. I was just too proud to accept that someone of my stature could make such mistakes with someone I loved. But God slowly humbled me when the immense love he had for me. God made it known to me that he accepted & loved me. And that my chosenness wasn't dependent on the mistakes I make/made. As the retreat went on, I forgave & accepted myself. Praise God certainly, because it was through his grace, love & forgiveness unto me first, that enabled me to do the same for myself. This process of forgiveness & acceptance of myself really opened the doors for a much deeper experience at the conference. I also began to realize the specific areas that I had gone wrong. It was also through a fellow brother in Christ, whom I shared these things with, who helped me see how I could change for the better and learn from my past mistakes.


The conference really led me into a very different and new dimension in spirituality as well. I came to much much deeper love and appreciation for the Catholic Church. I came to experience the richness of the Catholic Church. At this point, I am alot more convinced that the Catholic Church is where I not only belong to but also where I want to be! There were also other aspects of the my faith that had reignited deep within me, like the aspect of leadership and evangelization. The aspect of leadership has been something I hold very close to my heart as I've come to a greater realization that leadership is innate within me. I also desire very much to be a leader after God's own heart. A leader that is both wise & selfless! The aspect of evangelization has been a struggle over the years, though I have grown in small ways of evangelization. This topic was brought across so well that I began to see the great need to really be an evangelist daily and to not be afraid to share Jesus with those around me. There was one statement in particular that really gave me good reason to share Jesus with those around me. It was Jim Murphy who shared, "We don't have the right to not allow any person not hear the message of the Gospel from us. They have every right to hear the message of Jesus from us. We should never choose who should hear or not hear the message of Jesus. But we must give them the right to accept or reject the message of Jesus." These words really struck a chord within me, as I'm sure it will for you as well. In many ways, this conference was a very good wake up call for me to be that sign of Christ to the world. The conference also changed my warped perceptions about the Charismatic renewal. I now believe that there is a great need to use the charisms of the holy spirit much more!


It has really been an amazing experience at the ICCRS-LTC. I have been blest to have known more people after the heart of God and the fruit of that is their service in the life of the Catholic Church! Right now, I have been more open to the Holy Spirit as well as the many ways God wishes to use me, whenever or wherever! May you come to see the great plans God has for you. All you need is openness and faith to trust in God's plan for you! May we be the light & love of Christ Jesus that this present world needs so badly! Praise God!

A Fruitful Discernment

It brings me great joy & peace to be able to conclude my discernment of where I'll be pursuing my degree. I want to really praise Almighty God for being my ever constant throughout this period of discernment. I also am very grateful & appreciative of the many people who have walked with me throughout this discernment, especially my ever supportive family & community. Your support sustained me throughout this discernment.

So the final decision of my discernment is that I will be staying in Singapore to pursue my degree in Psychology. Yay! I'm so happy to be able to share my decision on my blog. Yes, this is final!

God has certainly surprised me in so many ways throughout this discernment. But what I gained the most throughout this discernment has been how I've come to a much deeper & greater self-discovery of myself, especially the people & things that I hold close to me heart. This is a discernment that I would never regret and I'm so glad that I made the decision to discern this from August 2011. Its been a 9-month discernment that has brought me through a rollercoaster of emotions where I've gone back & forth in my decision numerous times. There really hasn't been a distinct choice throughout this discernment. Its basically discerning from 'Good' and 'Good'. There has been no choice that is out rightly better than the other. God has truly been a faithful God. God didn't waste any time to confirm for me that I made the right decision. As soon as I shared with my mum about my decision to pursue my degree in Singapore, she quickly shared with me that she had decided to tell me to pursue my degree here as that would ease the family's financial burden. What an amazing & quick way for God to affirm me of my choice. The defining factor in my decision is actually my Family.

Throughout the entire process of my 9 months of discernment, there have been many pulling factors in staying and going. There were pulling factors in staying in singapore like family being in singapore, Community being in singapore, my comfort zone of staying in singapore as I was fully taken care of in every aspect & ect. But there were other pulling factors to go to aussie such as a more holistic studying experience, living the dream of staying in aussie, meeting new people, to be challenged in thinking in a very different environment, being more independent & ect. At the very end of my discernment, I just felt weary and didn't know which choice was God's call for me. Throughout the final few weeks of my discernment, I felt so confused & weary. In prayer, God spoke, "My Son, my will for you lies in the very core of your being. You will find your answer there." So as I continued to search for the answer, I just waited upon God in prayer, in the silence of my heart. The answer did come in the end! It was during my silent time in the adoration room when God showed me a perspective that I had never seen throughout the entire discernment. For years, I have been serving God in SFX. Ever since I came back to God 5 years ago, I always desired deep down in my heart to serve my family. I just didn't know how or where to start. It was during this time of silent prayer when God showed me that I would be able to serve my family by easing their financial burden, especially my parents. This choice would not only ease their financial burden but it would also give the family more opportunities to take holiday trips and bonding more as a family. This perspective really excited me so much. I was truly in total of God for this revelation. The thought of serving my family was so exciting for me. At that moment, I just knew that at the very core of my being, I just wanted to serve God! In that moment, it would be such an honour & privilege to serve my family! This was the desire at the very core of my being. This became the defining point in my decision-making process.

Its really been a very blessed & fruitful discernment! I want to firstly thank my family for their endless support! I also thank my beloved community, Youth Vineyard for their faithful love & support unto me. I also would like to apologise to everyone that I have caused any form of uneasiness throughout my discernment, for like going back & forth in my discernment decision. I also thank everyone involved with your support in one way or another, like SFX youth communities, friends at work, friends in aussie and many more. I want to also thank the many individuals that have journeyed with throughout this entire discernment. I am forever grateful! Holy God I praise for everything! :)

God Bless!

PS: Sorry for this super delayed post! Been quite busy since I concluded the discernment! Better late than never right! :)

Choices

It's been quite a quite a long time since this blog has been active. Oh well! There has been many happenings in my life over the past few months. I've had my fair share of the good & not so pleasant moments. But I think I've been blest by god to always see the blessings before anything else. But I guess even in the crosshairs of blessings & struggles, that in itself becomes a choice on our part. When we are given the choice to decide what we'd like to focus our energy & heart on at that moment. I do believe that each one of us have many blessings in our lives, it's just a matter whether we choose to take the time to allow that blessing to take our breath away as well as whether we allow our hearts to in total awe of god blessing us!

I guess for me, this topic of Choices has constantly been in my mind. The choice to live, choice to praise god, choice to turn to god above anyone else, choice to make that leap of faith, choice to risk it all for someone and many other choices! I come to say that we all have choices! God has blest us with the freedom of choice and he surly hasn't taken away that gift from us. There is absolutely no doubt that we all have choices. But the evil one is cunning enough to try his best to deceive us and make us believe otherwise. But when we come to god in prayer, god reinstates this truth that we have been blest by god with the freedom of choice!

For me too, I've come to recognize this truth in my life. And maybe a greater awareness of this truth has increased! As Jesus chose to die for me, I want to choose to love him! Over the past few months, I have had to make many choices and in some ways, I'm still in the process of making quite a few choices from a range of options. One of the more immediate decisions I have to make is where I'll be studying this July! My discernment officially closes this weekend! In my being, I have made a choice. As in every choice, there will be pros & cons! But I guess what is the biggest difference about the state I'm in regarding this decision is that I am making this decision based on what I truly want at the core of my being! God has very wonderfully purified my reasons whether it's in relation to staying in Singapore or going to Aussie. And this is a discernment that I will never regret! It's also a discernment that has brought me through almost everything. The struggles, the joys, the heartaches & ect. But praise god I've finally come to a decision! Some may have expected my decision to be what it is but I'm sure there will be some that may be surprised! It brings me great peace to know that I make this decision for me!

And I guess the defining point came one night in the adoration room when god spoke out unto me in the silence, "Mark, my son, the will of god lies in what you truly desire in the very core of your being! Do not be afraid that you will make a wrong decision because you will make the right decision when you do it for you!" There have also been other blessings in my life. Over the past month, I have been blest to try again at a friendship that I had honestly lost all hope in for over a year. But yet again, our time isn't God's time and god really knows best! I've truly missed this friendship so much that I really wonder how I've gone through life over the past year without this friendship! But now that god has restored this friendship, I just wanna praise & thank you and also cherish each moment I have in this friendship! I guess that's another lesson I've learnt in my discernment, which is to never take anything or anyone for granted because you really never know when the person may be taken away from you! So now I just wanna cherish all I have in my life, especially this friendship!

We all have choices in this life. I have made a few decisions at this point in my life and I am sure about these choices because I know who I am & what I truly desire at the core of my very being! Lord Jesus, I just wanna thank & praise you for always walking with me and always granting me a hope in you that never fails! I love you, Jesus! My friends, may you see the blessings and find & discover the core of your being! It's a real joy! :)

God bless you! :)

Which way?

Freedom of choice was one of the greatest gifts that God gave mankind. In many ways, freedom of choice is what this journey of life is about. God gave us the freedom to choose between good & evil. But freedom is also defined differently for each of us. Freedom of choice has also brought many of us to many mistakes that we may not necessarily want to make. But on the upside, we gain confidence in ourselves when we make the right choices. I guess we all struggle with confidence in our decisions in one way or another. I definitely still struggle in the decisions I make. In many moments of making a decision, I am left to wonder what would be the best choice. I have had my fair share of good & bad decisions. The good decisions have given me a renewed confidence in myself but the bad ones have made me reflect on the insecurity I have.

As it stands, I am coming closer to the end of my study path discernment. I am at a state that I'd have preferred not to be at. I am still very much confused on whether I'll be staying in Singapore or leaving for Aussie. I am about 2 weeks away from the end of my discernment and I really wanted to have been able to reach a decision soon. There may be a possibility of maybe extending my discernment by a month. I guess its frustrating to be in this state of the unknown. There is a possibility of me staying and there is a possibility of me going. There are pros & cons in both options. I feel so confused about what I sincerely want. Do I want to stay or go? Which way?

There have been a variety of opinions from many people. During the course of my discernment, I even made a note in my IPhone on the reasons that draw me to stay and reasons that draw me to go. In the course of my discernment, I have come to a much deeper understanding of the pillars in my life. I have come to a much deeper love for my family, my community, my parish, my country as well as the heat in singapore. Initially, some of the reasons why I really wanted to go to aussie was because there were many things in singapore that I found difficult to love. But now, I certainly have come to a much deeper love & appreciation of these pillars in my life. I have surly come to recognise how comfortable I am when in Singapore. I have a family that loves & supports me no matter how much I have failed them. I have a youth community that loves me so much and so do I love them so much too. They give me the platform to serve God and journey with God's people as well as see how God continues to mould them. I have an amazing parish that has become such a welcoming environment to seek God and share their lives with each other. I live in an amazing country that is clean & small. I am very comfortable being here in singapore because I know that I will be taken care. I have been blest with so many amazing godly people in my life whom I can always turn to whenever I'm in need of counsel & advice. God has truly blest me in singapore!

But then there is australia! Its been a dream to be there, of which I am willing to allow it to remain a dream. Aussie always holds a special place in my heart. At this point of my discernment, there are still a few things that draw me to go there to further my studies. My brother, James is there. And I really do miss him. There is also a loving community that I can belong to, should I decide to go there. There are also some amazing friends I can depend on like Shaun. Then there is also the place that I still have in the University of Western Australia (UWA) where I'll be able to study Psychology. A few days ago, I just found out that UWA is 45th in the world for Psychology. For me, it would be a dream to be studying at such a prestigious & world-renowned university. I guess choosing to study in Aussie is really a leap of Faith with God too!

There is also the struggle of what people hope that I would choose. But I guess that should not be a great consideration. Its hard for me as I don't think I've ever been a position where I'm given 100% control on a decision. I am so scared that I would make a wrong decision. I am fine with either decision. There isn't a way that I want more than the other at this moment. Which way do I want more? Over the course of this week, I've been really struggling with this. In so many ways, I thought that I was set on staying here in singapore to pursue my degree. That's the way I felt from Sept to Dec. I had never predicted that would be the way I would feel in the last month of my discernment. I really thought that it would be easier. There are so many reasons why I am so confused. But during silent adoration tonight, I just poured out to God all that was in my heart & mind. I expressed my choice to do God's holy will, even if it meant losing people I treasure & love so much in my life because I know with great certainty that God has only great plans for me and that he knows best! My plan is to spent an hour a day in silent prayer as I wait upon God to speak to me!

Lord, I do not know what my decision is going to be. But I know you hold my hand and walk with me through this confusing time. Lord, Lead & guide to do your will. You know the plans you have for me. I know that they are great plans. Lord, I am scared but I surrender my everything unto you! Lead me, Lord!

Please keep me in your prayers! God Bless!

A Celebration of Blessings

There is just so much to celebrate and praise this amazing god for! I have been going through an amazing experience of unending blessings. The only way I can actually describe the kind of emotions that fill me in my heart is that 'I feel in each moment that the Blessings of God in my life continue to outweigh each struggle in my life'. In the entire time in my life, I have never been able to say this because maybe it a very great extent, I felt it is not true in my life. Blessings seem to be a rare sharing topic among people today. I guess its only natural that we look at our struggles first. But ever since my trip to aussie for the SSS community retreat in july'11, I would say that the scales on the eyes of my heart have fallen and I'm able to see life in a very new way. When I look at life now as well as where I am, the first thing I see are the multitude of blessings in my life. I come to an emotion of deep gratitude unto God! Isn't God just so amazing!

It has been awhile since I last posted anything. Most of the time, this would happen in a time of great struggle for me. But this time, its been the total opposite. I would be lying to say that there was no struggle for me in the past few months, but like I said, the blessings of God just outweigh each struggle. Now I first celebrate life before looking at the many struggles in my day. The festive season of Christmas & the New year has been one of simplicity and great joy & peace. It was a festive season that I have been really looking forward to. For me, I wanted to just use this festive season to give thanks unto God and celebrate life! The Christmas & New year gatherings helped me appreciate the gift of people's presence! And I am ever so thankful for an amazing time of celebration of Christ's Birth. And I am sure that Christ Jesus was definitely reborn in the lives of many. For me, I did give myself a good treat after an amazing year. I spent about $400 on shopping for new clothes for myself. It was a deep pinch in the pocket, I felt that this splurge was an important one for me as I needed to tell that little person inside my heart that he was important! This has been the crux of my healing in the year of 2011, a true and much deeper love & appreciation for the person that I am! But on the another plus point, I just love my new wardrobe! I believe that I step into as new phase of my life as I embark on the year 2012!

As the new year of 2012 began, there were 2 things that were constantly exciting me in my heart. First, it was the amazing 24th birthday of mine. For me, birthdays are always a special time as on that day many years ago, God breathed life into me and made me! That surely must call for a celebration. This year, my birthday was simple but so amazing. It seems these days that simplicity is what I desire the most. On the eve of my birthday, I had a very good dinner with 3 of my community members (Stephen, Sarah & Shaun). I had a great time being in the presence of people that love me. On the actual day of my birthday, I had taken leave from work. I had spent the day with Freeman. It was just great to be spending my special day with a brother in Christ I have come to appreciate & love so much more! In the evening, I attended mass and there was this great peace in my heart! In that moment, I just saw all the blessings in my life and rejoiced at all that I am. At night, I had dinner yet again with people that love me so much. This time, it was with Fr. Brian, Cheryl, Julia, Tim & Freeman. And finally, the day of celebrations ended with my own family. It was a day of joy, peace & love. It was a day to celebrate! The celebrations made me happy!

Second, it is an event that has been in my heart for exactly an entire year! I believe that this event of the Serangoon District Youth Conference is not only my dream but its also a dream of my youth leaders of the past & present. It our event! This only seemed like a very far & unrealistic dream but the event starts tomorrow! In my heart, I am near speechless. I really find it so hard to believe that the Conference starts tomorrow. The process of planning for this event has been a long, tiring but extremely enjoyable & joyful experience! There have been many joys in this process, from seeing how much the music team has grown technically & spiritually as one to the excitement of seeing everyone come to together to the amazing design of this poster to being part of the core team for such an amazing event. But the greatest joy is to experience the unity of the Catholic Church. It has been amazing to see how everyone has come together to be part of this event! The only one to praise & thank at the end of the day is none other than God! He is the reason for this conference and he is the source of all strength! There will definitely be a blog post soon!

Finally, as my discernment nears closer to the end, I come to decision! As it stands, after discerning for 5 months, I will be staying in Singapore and continuing my studies here! It has been 5 months of alot of self-discovery! I am very excited to start studying psychology! I am truely amazed at how far God has brought me and continues to bring me! It is really such a joy to be a child of God!

There is just so much to praise god for & celebrate! What makes it most amazing is how humbled I feel by the many blessings from God! There is really none like you, O God! Praise you, O Jesus!