Freedom of choice was one of the greatest gifts that God gave mankind. In many ways, freedom of choice is what this journey of life is about. God gave us the freedom to choose between good & evil. But freedom is also defined differently for each of us. Freedom of choice has also brought many of us to many mistakes that we may not necessarily want to make. But on the upside, we gain confidence in ourselves when we make the right choices. I guess we all struggle with confidence in our decisions in one way or another. I definitely still struggle in the decisions I make. In many moments of making a decision, I am left to wonder what would be the best choice. I have had my fair share of good & bad decisions. The good decisions have given me a renewed confidence in myself but the bad ones have made me reflect on the insecurity I have.
As it stands, I am coming closer to the end of my study path discernment. I am at a state that I'd have preferred not to be at. I am still very much confused on whether I'll be staying in Singapore or leaving for Aussie. I am about 2 weeks away from the end of my discernment and I really wanted to have been able to reach a decision soon. There may be a possibility of maybe extending my discernment by a month. I guess its frustrating to be in this state of the unknown. There is a possibility of me staying and there is a possibility of me going. There are pros & cons in both options. I feel so confused about what I sincerely want. Do I want to stay or go? Which way?
There have been a variety of opinions from many people. During the course of my discernment, I even made a note in my IPhone on the reasons that draw me to stay and reasons that draw me to go. In the course of my discernment, I have come to a much deeper understanding of the pillars in my life. I have come to a much deeper love for my family, my community, my parish, my country as well as the heat in singapore. Initially, some of the reasons why I really wanted to go to aussie was because there were many things in singapore that I found difficult to love. But now, I certainly have come to a much deeper love & appreciation of these pillars in my life. I have surly come to recognise how comfortable I am when in Singapore. I have a family that loves & supports me no matter how much I have failed them. I have a youth community that loves me so much and so do I love them so much too. They give me the platform to serve God and journey with God's people as well as see how God continues to mould them. I have an amazing parish that has become such a welcoming environment to seek God and share their lives with each other. I live in an amazing country that is clean & small. I am very comfortable being here in singapore because I know that I will be taken care. I have been blest with so many amazing godly people in my life whom I can always turn to whenever I'm in need of counsel & advice. God has truly blest me in singapore!
But then there is australia! Its been a dream to be there, of which I am willing to allow it to remain a dream. Aussie always holds a special place in my heart. At this point of my discernment, there are still a few things that draw me to go there to further my studies. My brother, James is there. And I really do miss him. There is also a loving community that I can belong to, should I decide to go there. There are also some amazing friends I can depend on like Shaun. Then there is also the place that I still have in the University of Western Australia (UWA) where I'll be able to study Psychology. A few days ago, I just found out that UWA is 45th in the world for Psychology. For me, it would be a dream to be studying at such a prestigious & world-renowned university. I guess choosing to study in Aussie is really a leap of Faith with God too!
There is also the struggle of what people hope that I would choose. But I guess that should not be a great consideration. Its hard for me as I don't think I've ever been a position where I'm given 100% control on a decision. I am so scared that I would make a wrong decision. I am fine with either decision. There isn't a way that I want more than the other at this moment. Which way do I want more? Over the course of this week, I've been really struggling with this. In so many ways, I thought that I was set on staying here in singapore to pursue my degree. That's the way I felt from Sept to Dec. I had never predicted that would be the way I would feel in the last month of my discernment. I really thought that it would be easier. There are so many reasons why I am so confused. But during silent adoration tonight, I just poured out to God all that was in my heart & mind. I expressed my choice to do God's holy will, even if it meant losing people I treasure & love so much in my life because I know with great certainty that God has only great plans for me and that he knows best! My plan is to spent an hour a day in silent prayer as I wait upon God to speak to me!
Lord, I do not know what my decision is going to be. But I know you hold my hand and walk with me through this confusing time. Lord, Lead & guide to do your will. You know the plans you have for me. I know that they are great plans. Lord, I am scared but I surrender my everything unto you! Lead me, Lord!
Please keep me in your prayers! God Bless!
