A greater depth

Our God is a God that really has a good idea of what he is doing. This was how I felt after attending the recent International Catholic Charismatic Renewal & Services (ICCRS) Leadership Training Course that drew leaders from 14 countries. It was a very rich experience! It was an experience of God & his Bride, the Catholic Church. It was really an experience like no other. I feel very privileged & honoured to have attended this course/conference. It was such a joy to be in the midst of people that were truly after the heart of God.

A few days prior to this conference, I was feeling quite apprehensive of going. I was wondering what purpose God had for calling me for this. There were many reasons why I was feeling this way, like how I would be missing out on our parish's Confirmation Camp, how I had to be away from everyone as it was a 7-day conference at the Major seminary, also how I felt I wasn't prepared spiritually for this 'attas' conference. I just felt like I wasn't the right person in our parish's youth ministry to be sent for such a prestigious conference. Though I had some charismatic gifts of the Holy Spirit, I wasn't fully convinced that the Charismatic renewal was for me and what more for me to sent as a representative of SFX youth ministry. I guess I felt very inferior to all the other 'big shots' going for the same conference. And I just truly felt very unworthy and also under-qualified. I was just giving reasons for God to not make me even better, according to his standards. There was this great element of pride within me because I was becoming too comfortable in this state of being 'warm' for God! It was my big pride talking and making reasons for God not to humble me. But ready or not, God had plans to heal & renew me! God had a pretty good idea of what he was doing. And so, I went to the conference feeling very unready, but I just trusted in God and entered with openness to all that God had planned for me.

Jim Murphy! Truly an amazing man of God!

At the start of the retreat, I just kept asking myself what on earth I was there for at the conference. I just kept telling God that I was a nobody! But God in all his gentleness, just invited me to be open and also assured me that there was a reason for me to be there. And so I just remained open in my heart. Slowly, I started to make some friends with people from the other countries. As the first day began, I was totally amazed that the topic for the 1st day of classes at a catholic charismatic conference was on Ecclesiology, which is essentially the theology about the Church! This really set the tone that leaders at this conference were called to be more rooted in the teachings of the Catholic Church. The classes were really good as I came to a much greater understanding of what and who the Catholic Church really is. The classes were very in-depth & theoretical, but in a very interesting way, the theology ministered to me in the very depths of my heart. I started to grow into a much deeper love with Christ as well as the Catholic Church. As the classes went on, I knew that deep within my heart, there was this immense brokenness that i have been running away from for the last couple of weeks. It was such an immense brokenness within me that I had incredible fears of facing it. But God knew very well what was in my heart. And God didn't waste much time. In this conference, the classes would be in the day and before dinner, we would have an hour of adoration. After dinner, we would have sessions. And on the 1st night, the ex-president of ICCRS, Allen Pannozza spoke on the Father's Love. It struck a very deep chord within my brokenness as I entered into a deep encounter of the Father's love. As Allen spoke, tears welled up in my eyes as God just loved me. It ended quite badly as I was in tears at the end of the session. At that moment, I was feeling quite emotional. So I headed over to the 9th station of the outdoor stations of the cross which was the station where Jesus fell for the 3rd time. I believe that it was in this very moment when the unconditional love of God brought a very deep healing in all its fullness! I cried out all the brokenness within my heart as God wiped away every tear. I had finally received the healing that I had desired ever so much for. It was made perfect because it was a healing that took place in God's time! Before I left that station, God just spoke out to me, "Mark, my son, you have time. So don't rush this process. If you're not ready to move forward. It's okay. Take your time. You have time." That night as I went to sleep, I was struggling to forgive myself for the mistakes I'd made. In many ways, I just felt so embarrassed for the mistakes I have made. 


As the retreat continued, I slowly came to realize that it was my big pride standing in the way of forgiveness of my mistakes that I was deeply embarrassed by. I just couldn't accept the mistakes I made. This was yet again my pride speaking out. I was just too proud to accept that someone of my stature could make such mistakes with someone I loved. But God slowly humbled me when the immense love he had for me. God made it known to me that he accepted & loved me. And that my chosenness wasn't dependent on the mistakes I make/made. As the retreat went on, I forgave & accepted myself. Praise God certainly, because it was through his grace, love & forgiveness unto me first, that enabled me to do the same for myself. This process of forgiveness & acceptance of myself really opened the doors for a much deeper experience at the conference. I also began to realize the specific areas that I had gone wrong. It was also through a fellow brother in Christ, whom I shared these things with, who helped me see how I could change for the better and learn from my past mistakes.


The conference really led me into a very different and new dimension in spirituality as well. I came to much much deeper love and appreciation for the Catholic Church. I came to experience the richness of the Catholic Church. At this point, I am alot more convinced that the Catholic Church is where I not only belong to but also where I want to be! There were also other aspects of the my faith that had reignited deep within me, like the aspect of leadership and evangelization. The aspect of leadership has been something I hold very close to my heart as I've come to a greater realization that leadership is innate within me. I also desire very much to be a leader after God's own heart. A leader that is both wise & selfless! The aspect of evangelization has been a struggle over the years, though I have grown in small ways of evangelization. This topic was brought across so well that I began to see the great need to really be an evangelist daily and to not be afraid to share Jesus with those around me. There was one statement in particular that really gave me good reason to share Jesus with those around me. It was Jim Murphy who shared, "We don't have the right to not allow any person not hear the message of the Gospel from us. They have every right to hear the message of Jesus from us. We should never choose who should hear or not hear the message of Jesus. But we must give them the right to accept or reject the message of Jesus." These words really struck a chord within me, as I'm sure it will for you as well. In many ways, this conference was a very good wake up call for me to be that sign of Christ to the world. The conference also changed my warped perceptions about the Charismatic renewal. I now believe that there is a great need to use the charisms of the holy spirit much more!


It has really been an amazing experience at the ICCRS-LTC. I have been blest to have known more people after the heart of God and the fruit of that is their service in the life of the Catholic Church! Right now, I have been more open to the Holy Spirit as well as the many ways God wishes to use me, whenever or wherever! May you come to see the great plans God has for you. All you need is openness and faith to trust in God's plan for you! May we be the light & love of Christ Jesus that this present world needs so badly! Praise God!