The Absence

Its been a total of 49 days since my last blog post. The reason for this has been due to the lack & prayer & growth with God. In the past 49 days, I have been more free than ever to actually do many many blog posts. But every time I came close to blogging a post, I just couldn't come to express my current state of feelings into words. There just seemed to be so much regret, sadness & emptiness within me. This has been my current state over the last 49 days. For those who remember the post, "My Biggest Trial yet", well I am still in the midst of that trial. In my heart, it feels like a disease that seems incurable. Its like I am in a deep pit that I can't get out of.

As I compare & contrast between Lent & Easter, there seems to be an immense disappointment in me. I prayed everyday for the 40 days of Lent, but ever since Easter Sunday, I stopped praying every morning. It also feels like I've disappointed many many many people, as I could have been able to help them through many of their struggles, by leading them back to God or something. But in those moments, I couldn't even help myself to my feet, due to intensity of my struggles with my discernment. And the biggest regret is how much I've really disappointed God. I just come to the point where I've lost almost everything within my heart, especially the passion to be God's instrument.

There just seems like something has died within me. And that something is priceless and it can never be attained from this passing world. This something has everything to do with God and where he wants me to be. And to be very honest, I really don't know what God thinks of me at this moment, where I have not just fallen down but I've been such a disappointment to God. In my heart, there is just extreme emptiness and no love whatsoever. There just seems to be nothing good in my heart. There used to be so much love within me, but now there is just no love that exists within me. There are only memories of the good person that I used to be. There are only memories of how close I used to be with God!

It is only the faith that I still believe that tells me that God still loves me. But in my heart, I'm not sure if I still believe in that truth. Though this situation seems so devastating, the one good thing within my heart. My Desire to do the Will of God is even greater. Its greater like never before.

But as I reflect upon this good thing, I wonder if it is even a good thing, because if my life is in such shatters, doesn't it make sense that I'd want to do God's will? Lord I wish you would speak! I know you are here with me still. Although I know that I don't deserve to be in your presence! But I pray that you will speak!

Praise you O God still!