Am I doing your will?

This has the very same question that I've been asking God of late. There just seems to be so much goodness happening over the past month, with the Confirmation Camp & Altar Servers retreat. There constantly seems to be this extremely evident truth where God just uses me in ways that I, myself am totally amazed by.

Over the past 2 1/4 months, there seems to be so much anguish & pain in my heart. And the source of that immense pain comes from the very real truth of how much I miss Jesus. In my heart, there seems to be absolutely no sight of his face. There only seems to be a very real evidence of his work through me. Its like the very essence of Jesus is only heard of, when I pray-over people and also when i see & hear of testimonies & sharings of God's love within them. But at the very depths of my heart, there seems to be no sight & feel of Jesus there.

At the recent Confirmation Camp, which took place about 3 weeks ago, I was given the very humbling role of the Intercessory IC. And it was a role that I really struggled with because I knew in my heart that I wanted to do something more. But nonetheless, I knew that this was where God wanted & needed me to be, so I prayed for the grace to be humble and embrace this role. And I hope I have passed this test of Humility in the standards of God. Over the course of the camp, there were alot of emotions deep within me. And everything was really a test of how much I believed in God and not so much in the feelings.

This camp also was a time where God affirmed my gift of the 'Word of Wisdom'. As I was in the praying team for Group 11, I just felt so not prepared to be even part of the team. But the team wanted me to lead in the praying-over. And it was an even greater struggle to also lead the service team in a time of spiritual preparation for the night's praying-over session. This was a really difficult struggle because there was alot that had happened to me during the Reconciliation Session, which was the session before the night's praying-over session. For me, this role was really God's chance unto me to be humble. It was at the end of this session where I had broken down into tears like never before in my entire life. It all started when I entered the session room and just gazed at the cross of Jesus. The very real fact of how much I missed Jesus in my heart became so immense. .And this fact was also contributed by how my discernment had taken so much out of me. Soon tears flowed like never before and then, I decided to speak to a priest about this. And even as I spoke to him about it, I had trouble finishing my sentences because I was crying so terribly. But the advice he gave me was to keep serving God with all my heart and the other part of his advice was to keep staying close to Jesus. And after this emotional experience, came the spiritual preparation which I was leading. It was a great struggle because I had so much difficulty to stop the tears from flowing and so much struggle in control the emotions. But God had instill a great sense of faith I guess, which really sustained me for the Spiritual Preparation and the night's praying-over session. At the night session, while the praying-over, God had used my gift of Wisdom in a way I had never experienced before. And as I prayed over each youth, I knew the exact struggles of each one and also the instructions to be given to the Facilitators, of course they were all revealed by God. But it was after that night, when I finally embrace the gift of Wisdom that God had blest me with. It was also that night, where the fruits of my discernment had been poured out.

The way God used me continued at the Altar servers retreat too. God used me in so many ways to reach out to these very adorable young boys. It was so amazing to just see how these young boys came up to me one at a time on the 1st night's ministering session to be prayed with. It really showed unto me who God had made me to be. It was also very touching to see a whole room of about 70 young boys crying. For me, it was evidence that there would never be a barrier too big for God. It was at this retreat, when God underlined my value. God showed me that he would conquer any hurdles, only if we believe and trust. This retreat was just so fun for me.

At the end of this, there lies evidence of God's work through me still. But there is still no sight of Jesus. But what do I take to believe? There is so much evidence that God still works through me. But there is so much despair, anguish & pain within my pain from how much I miss Jesus and also the intensities of this Discernment. While this Discernment has brought so much fruits, it also brings about so much pain. My heart only desires to do God's will for me. But there is also this immense longing from the heart of God for me to continue in this Discernment.

I have struggled to embrace the ongoing intensities of this Discernment, which has really led me to run away from it for quite awhile. But there is this desire to return to face the intensities and also embrace them like the way Jesus embraced the intensity of his Cross!

Lord, my soul pines for you so much. My heart longs for your love like never before. There are so many emotions within me. But my Lord, if this is the way that I will have to take to attain your will & love, then let this continue. But grant me your grace to face & embrace all of it. I pray that you remove anything that is not of you in my heart. Though there is so much pain & anguish in my heart, my Lord, but my desire for you is even greater. And may my very small suffering bring joy to Jesus. I will love you my Jesus forever. This pain has made me love you with a greater depth. Praise you Jesus!