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The New Year is like just a few days away and I've been wondering what my new year resolution is. I know for sure that its something about god. I think one of my main struggles this year has been, that whenever I wasn't praying much and not being close to god, I would a person who'd be very frustrated easily, cranky and impatient alot. Although I'll be conscious about this, I can't control it and at the end of the day, I'd be really angry and upset with myself for being so un-catholic. That's when people would be getting the worse from me, which isn't something I like to show people. People always know me as a person who's understanding, sensitive to others' feelings and caring. But not being close to god not only affects be emotionally but it also affects me spiritually. For those who know me, would know that I always like to be strong in my walk with the lord but when I'm not close to god, I get very very weak spritually and easily fall into sin and many times this happens especially when I least expect it, like after all camps and retreats.So my New Year's resolution is to be more devoted to god, to rise to a higher level of prayer, to be more close to god and to be more loving, caring, sensitive to others' feelings, understanding & especially patient! I also want god to slowly reveal more of his gifts and revelations to me as I grow on this walk with the lord as a little child of god! Amen!
This Christmas has really been one where I've been blown away by god and his lovely people. Firstly this Christmas, I didn't really prepare much both spiritually and physically and I only really felt the Christmas spirit on 23rd December so ya, I know its abit late but better late than never.
Anyway this year, I didn't write much cards. Well normally in past years, when I wrote for other people, the thought of whether the person I was writing to would ever write one for me would always come to my mind. But this year as I was writing the cards for the people, the thought didn't come to my mind. I made this realization only after receiving so many gifts and cards from other people after the Xmas midnight mass which I totally didn't expect to receive. Even to the fact of that my pockets of my blazer were so full and fortunately, I managed to get a bag to put all the stuff. I really wanna praise god for this cause it really took me by surprise to receive so much. Actually, I wasn't expecting to receive anything at all from anyone. Ya so its really amazing how God has transformed me into a different person this year.
And for this Xmas, I just asked god for 1 thing which was to have a good time at whichever parties I was going to. And I had a blast of a time at both parties, where the 1st party was my communities' party and the next was the amplify party at Iggy's house. And I just enjoyed everyone's company this time which was sufficient for me to have an awesome Xmas this year!
And I want to testify to fact that when we put ourselves last and ensure that everyone before us is happy and doing well, God will ensure that you receive back whatever you've given 100 times more. So to everyone out there, just give and give non-stop cause god will repay you back a 100 times more for all the effort you've put in! Amen!
Yes after all that has happened, an awesome YISS and the wonderful SFX youth camp. God had been so great and generous with his gifts and love, which made this past week more difficult to handle. Well, what happened was that I experienced extreme spiritual dryness which started on Monday. I'm not really sure if it’s ended but it’s much better so ya that's the brighter side of things. This week was a real test of how much I really believe in this god. For the whole week, I kept trying and trying to seek him and find joy in him. I tried listening to worship songs and then praise songs, then tried going for mass and also tried the morning joy practice. But still it was the same. After trying and trying non-stop, I got very tired and just waited for my parish's penitential service for Christmas, even confessions didn't help much. At this state, it got really tiring, then I just asked god, "What is happening Lord?" and I just felt god telling me to wait on him and be patient and also felt that he'd reveal real soon. This was extra tough on me because I've always felt that Spiritual dryness was something that I didn't really believe in and now it was happening to me and I guess god wanted me to experience it so that I could help those in this state in future. It’s always been the case for my experiences. God always lets me experience all the tough times so that I can help those who'll be experiencing this too. I guess this happens because god made me in such a way that I've gotta be strong and just trust. That's part of his master plan for me i guess. Anyway, Friday came and I was really looking forward to my first Amplify Ministries Friday session. So ya despite all the struggles, god instilled this excitement within my heart. And when I reached CSC, I was greeted with such comfort from the Amplify people. So ya it was nice. As we started the session, P&W was good as usual. During P&W, god revealed quite abit to me. God revealed that the battles I was facing, were going to be the kind of battles I would be facing in 2008. God also said that "YES, next year will be a big year for us but that doesn't mean that the battles would just disappear." God also revealed that the spiritual dryness would be some of the battles I would face again in 2008! God went on to say that "He has already built his house in my heart and its a strong & firm house! That from now on, I need not fear if God is really there and that I need not doubt whether its really the voice of God talking to me, and especially in times of struggle, to just talk to him and trust in him" So this helped me feel much better and I felt joy again! Then after P&W, we had a time of testimony for all that god had done for us in 2007! And yes I testified of how great god has been to me and I also shared the new mission god set for me, also not forgetting the awesome gift of tongues! So ya I'm back to the good old joyful ways! And I'm finally feeling happy and excited about the coming of Jesus Christ, the awesome and wholesome King! So ya it looks really good! I also wanna thank all who were listening to the Joy and struggles I received throughout the year especially my awesome CELL! Praise God!
God has spoken and said the mission that he's set for me. There's been many times that I've doubted this message from god but time and again, he's been confirmed it especially through some leaders at YISS and also the many experiences at the SFX youth camp! "You shall lead those in darkness to show them how to get to the light where you have seen glimpses of my light! And those you shall lead will be the youths you shall see everyday, especially the youths in SFX!"
Well this is the mission that god has set for me and I'm not going wory cause I'm not the only one. God has so wonderfully sent Father Brian D'Souza to be my guide! Really friends how amazing is god! I truly believe that god always sustains his faithful, for if we remain in him, then he too remains in us! "And I am made glorious in the sight of the Lord and my God is now my Strength." Isaiah 49:5 I am just so happy that God has called me back despite my weaknesses and failures and more so to lead his people, is the best gift of all to be receiving! I just want to show all of you especially those in darkness or struggle that there is a brighter place from where you are! Really! I've only seen so little of it and there's so much joy and peace already! God is there with you! Just ask god for patience and grace to wait for him and let him enter your life and make him the centre of your life! Let him control your life and just leave it in his beautiful hands! AMEN!
There's just been so many awesome stuff happening at YISS! God just being so real to me!
But on 13th June 2007, at the end of my community retreat, I asked god to grant me the wish of being the main IC of my next community camp. Then the idea of having a parish youth camp came about. I was telling god that it would be really hard to juggle everything and even if we have it, there wouldn't be much people responding to it. Then we started to plan and for 3 months, the youth council of SFX planned it and god blest us with a good response for the youth camp! And to my amazement, I was made main IC for the youth camp and my co main IC was my own community member! Throughout the past 3 months, I've had a really rush cause like got alot of stuff to remember but god has been the guide all the way, helping me to remember everything!
Jumping all the way to the week after YISS. This was the week where there was a real rush for everything because I had to study for my term tests and also i had to finish up whatever was necessary for the youth camp. Everyday from Monday to Thursday was quite a rush but I knew that god's hand was in all of this and also that the Holy Spirit was in me working. I tried very hard to squeeze in silent time but it was really very hard but I just took faith in the lord!
On the night before the camp, I had a dream that on the 2nd night of the camp which was the outpouring session, everything screwed up, where martin and his team weren't there and only sury was there. Then I woke up, feeling a little weird and then realized that I woke up late. So rushing everywhere, I took a cab to first pick up an amplifier from friend and when i reached church, I got off the cab with everything except the amplifier. Then I started to panic a little and after awhile, I just concluded that I'll work next year to pay off my friend. Really what drama on the first day of the camp for me! Then I went to pray in a quite room alone before everyone came and then concluded that all will be ok cause whatever happen to me, I know that what I have is my god and I know he'll never abandon me! Then I ended prayer and took all in faith!
As we started the camp, god gave me great joy and I just shared the joy with everyone at the camp! It was so awesome and exciting standing in front of everyone and just speak to them, it was like a dream come true man! Then about 2 hours later, my friend carried the amplifier into the session room during a time of P&W and then I just started to praise god. I feel like its cheating lah, how can like everything go my way! So awesome!
So as the youth camp went on, there was a desire in my heart which was for everyone in the youth camp to experience god. At that moment, I wanted so much for all the participants to experience god! I guess at that point I was really falling in love with all the participants which is rooted in the love of god! The feeling is just so amazing! And my sharing group was just so awesome man. I always thought why I kept reading the old testament of the bible this year and this time god showed me what the reason was, because my group asked like alot on the history books of the bible, like the time on how Moses saved the Israelites when he brought them out of Egypt. My sharing group was very curious about how god worked in the world from the very beginning of creation.
The youth camp gave me a chance to be a leader of Christ and also to practice the fruits of the Holy Spirit and really god has granted me my hearts desire to lead the youths of SFX to the light of Christ! To all youths, we shall all march on to seek the glory and light of god! AMEN!
What can I say about YISS? I went for YISS only looking for a tangible experience, I guess I didn't want to ask god for too much also. But at the back of my mind, I knew that one of my main fear was the outpouring session cause for this YISS outpouring session, it would be my 6th outpouring session and for every session, I'd ask god for the gift of tongues and every time, I wouldn't receive it. So I guess, I got tired and frustrated with god only in this aspect. For a very long time, I believed that god's saving power existed except for the Holy Spirit where for others are known as the most powerful area where god exists. I guess it's something, which I was too afraid of already at this state. So after awhile, I just concluded that god couldn't break through my defense of my inability to open up and also my too much thinking-mind. So as YISS started, all the participants received a very warm welcome for the service team. I guess that was a good start. The first day was good, quite normal, trying to be joyful about being here. But when the second day started, I felt a huge void in my heart and the worrying thing was that i didn't know why. So throughout the whole day, it was quite disturbing to be feeling this void. Then we had our silent time, but after trying to talk to god, I just gave up. After a while, I realized that it was my fear of not receiving god tangibly building up again. At that point, I just was very scared already. I ask god then, "Lord, what do you want me to feel now? Am I to be strong in this time of fear and struggle or do you just want me be weak and venerable in this time?”, then in my heart, I felt god telling me to just let go and talk to someone. Then I asked god, “Who lord, who will be able to help me? Nobody knows the fear I have? I been serving you for 4 years already in the youth ministry and its always about my faith and still I've not received you in a tangible way. So lord you tell me”. After that I saw Cassilda and I asked her if she was free to talk and then she said that she had to prepare for a session, so I just took it as the lord’s plan to be on my own now. Then after a few minutes, I saw Cassilda and Josey coming down the stairs as I was praying and talking to god at one of the silent time booths. As they walked down, I knew that they were coming to talk to me. As we talked, I just poured out everything about my fears of not receiving him tangibly. I was just telling them all the bad experiences I had for all my other 5 outpouring sessions.
After talking to them, I was feeling a little better, but my fears were still there. That night session was reconciliation and I didn't know how to prepare for it. After going for confession and all, there was a healing session where the service team would be praying over us. When they praying over me, I felt this huge and immense weight on my left calf and ankle & I felt god telling me that this was the weight that you are carrying and that's the weight of your burden. God asked me,” Will you let me bear it for you?" I just decided to sleep and end the day on a quite note.
As day 3 began, I started my day with an awesome bathe and went to a place where the sun was shining brightly and the trees were as green as ever. There I just talked to god and lifted up my whole day. As the day started, the Holy Spirit was the main focus, then yet again, the fear came back again and to make things worst, I felt god kept telling me that I'd receive the Gift of Tongues today. Although this was good news but my fear just kept growing. It was yet another disturbing day filled with fear. I went to talk to Cassilda and Josey where I like told them earlier in the day already so that there'd be no rush for things. I just kept telling them about how different I was throughout my life especially in the way that everyone receives the Gift of Tongues very fast but it's just been so long already for me. After about an hour plus had passed, both of them said that I'd receive the gift of tongues and they just kept saying that but I just couldn't believe them cause the mindset had built up that I was never going to receive the gift already.
Then I was silent for awhile, I had this picture, it was Jesus in the boat in a lake. I was on the shore and Jesus was a little far away from me. Then Jesus said, "Mark, will your take my hand?". But I told Jesus "No" cause I was just too fearful. Jesus kept asking me non-stop to take his hand and after 5 minutes, Cassilda told me,” Mark, what do you have to loose?", then after another 5 minutes, I said to Jesus I'll take his hand! After that both Cassilda and Josey said that I'll be receiving the gift of tongues NOW and they asked me if I wanted it? At that point, I was a little unsure. So we decided to flap our hands to relax and then pray. As I was praying, I felt a different experience. After praying, they told me that I received the gift and still I said that it can't be. So they decided to pray again but this they asked me to do the same thing I did previous which was actually praying in tongues. After praying, I finally believed that I had received THE GIFT OF TONGUES! The joy just kept overflowing after that! We then prayed again and then ended. All this happen before the outpouring session which made this even more awesome! So during the outpouring session, I was just praying in TONGUES and as I was prayed over, those praying over me kept saying that "The Joy of the lord that you have in your heart shall be your strength". I guess it was really confirming the joy and feeling I was having over the past few months and also confirming that it was the lord's hand in all of it.
So summing up everything, YISS was receiving the gift and also alot of affirmations of how I was living my life and god was telling me to continue desiring for him even more! Amen to that!
This is Josie(left) and Cassilda(right), the awesome leaders and followers of Jesus I met and are also the people whom god has blest me with as guided me through YISS. We actually met at the hospital while visiting Pris Tan. Really how wonderful is god!
So finally I'm gonna post the awesome events that happened over this month!
Many of my close friends would really know that YISS has been something that I've been really waiting and preparing for all very long time even though I was going as a participant. I guess its because of the fact that there's been many people I've met, who has had really awesome and tangible experiences of the holy spirit. So ya, that was something I was especially looking forward to, cause for many years its just been faith that has lead me on as a followeer of Jesus.
And as YISS drew even more closer, I started to ask god whether I was disobeying him by going for the YISS cause my term test was the day after YISS ended and like I had 4 term test which took place over 4 consecutive days. Then after I'd have the SFX youth camp. And before YISS, I was at a stage where I'd place my life in every aspect in the hands of the lord and felt very guilty when I disobeyed god. So I felt this huge amount guilt too cause there was so much to settle with regards to the SFX youth camp and also there was so much to study still. But on the other hand, maybe god was trying to tell me to let go and leave it in his hands. So I was in this state of confustion until the day before YISS and I shared with a few people about this and received different views about this. I started to have many different thoughts about this and I wasn't able to spend silent time with god to really discern about this.
Then finally on wednesday night, I just offered it up at mass and after mass I decided to just go with an open heart and not to worry about anything else.
