The Great Testing

"The more you draw closer to God, the more the devil will attack you!"

This fact has served to be so true for me over the last 3 weeks. And throughout the process over this time, I just couldn't understand what God was trying to do. And in this time, I never became so angry with God. But in time, God revealed everything unto me. God explained every essence of suffering!

For my whole life, the 11th of January is one day in the year that I always look forward to and its a day that I probably hold the closest to my heart! Its a day my heart desires to really rejoice for this is the day that our great God breathed life into me! And it serves to be a day that I see as special for me and will continue to remain as special to me! And maybe to a certain extent, I'd say that its sacred to me! But as the years progressed on for me, God played a much bigger role for me in the events that happened throughout this very day! As the years progressed, my heart desired simplicity on this day! I desired to delight in the very simple things, like a meal & conversation with people I love! For me, I seemed to desire these things more than those fancy & extravagant meals!


But this 22nd birthday will serve to one immense pain for me! Its quite the story I'd say! For me, at a very human level, I'll conclude that it was a day which didn't meet my expectations except for 4 hours that God chose to bless with an angel I love! The angel knows who she is! As I reflect upon the happenings of that day, I'd say that it was filled with the very simple things with God always accompanying me. As I look deeper into the turning point for that day, I'd say that it was when I became selfish in my way, expecting too much! Everything turned so sour when I got angry over the ones I loved so much. And as I look back, I regret my selfish & inconsiderate actions so much. In those moments, I became someone that I too never what to become. But it was also a time that made me understand how much more awesome God's unconditional love is for us.

But the extremely brave angel of God never gave up on me. The angel did something no one on this would do. The angel took courage to bear and put up with all my crude comments, which I'd say was so much of the devil. And those moments, it was so evident that the devil was in me! But this angel sent by God alone, calmed me down after an hour of conversation. And just like Jesus, this angel became poor for my sake, so that I will be rich in grace & joy! For me, I conclude that on my 22nd Birthday, this angel saved my birthday and so much more.

But 6 days after this experience, my uncle had passed away after battling cancer for 5 years. Praise God that he finished the race to return to his home in heaven! But when this happened, it became to much for me to bear. At this point, I felt dead. My heart was dead for sure. It became an experience that I felt was just pushing me of the cliff! But it was so much the loss of my uncle that caused me to feel this way. It contributed to it though. I felt so much pain within my soul & heart over what was being placed before me!

At Justin's 21st birthday, when i heard the news about his passing in the midst of his party, I just went down alone. And in the middle of orchard road, I wept and cried so much as I found it too much to carry on! But after awhile, I just felt that I didn't want to spoil Justin's 21st birthday party celebrations. But throughout the party, I chose to be by myself as I really didn't want to tell anyone about the news so as to not spoil or dampen the moods.

The next day, Sunday was the final spiritual preparations for our YV retreat. During the 9am mass, I managed to hold myself together. But as soon as the mass ended and most of the people left the church, I cried like never before. It last for about 10 minutes and the pain just became too much for me. Soon after, I had to prepare for session. And yet another surprise happened. For the very first time in my life, during the YV session, I cried in front of people. And this really became the most sorrowful & painful experience for me! Praise God for Gabriel from YV who did the little things to assure me that I was not alone!

At this point, I didn't really know what to do, but somewhere in the very depths of my heart, I knew that God was in control and that as long as I don't try to run away from this, I will return to where God intends for me to be!

And over the next few day, I felt lost like never before. I felt like a infant. I felt so scared and afraid! But God instructed me to take very very small steps. All the wisdom that God blessed me with, became so absent. I couldn't help anyone because I couldn't even help myself. I really felt like a baby trying to walk again! But I really praise god still as a Spirit of Patience was bestowed upon me! And as the YV retreat drew nearer, I knew that God would explain in time!

The retreat was so amazing! It was the little things that made the difference! I would be doing another post on it! But it was during confessions that God explained everything for me!

God said this to me through the priest,

"The devil has attacked your relationship with God!"

This answered everything for me! And its so so true. The devil had been trying so hard to get to me! And before the last 3 weeks, everytime the devil tempted me, I'd so strongly say, "Be gone devil. You're not wanted here!" And then over the last 3 weeks, I am sure that the devil attacked the very source of who moulds me to be! The devil attacked my relationship with God! And then everything made so much sense! He knew that my birthday was the best way to begin this attack. The devil wanted to use the experiences from my birthday as well as my uncle's passing to blame it on the source of where my love exist! God! And it worked because I allowed it to work! But as I look back, I realise that those experiences have only made me stronger as I know that we should never underestimate the prowls of the devil!

But I ask myself this, where was God in all this? God was defending me, but it was I that chose the evil one! And Daddy God, I'm so sorry for doing such a thing! I praise you O God for forgiving me! And Lord Jesus, I thank you for really humbling me through these experiences to realise how I am nothing without you! Only you have made me into the person that people look up to! I am where I am because of you! I'm really nothing without you!

As I move forward in my journey with Jesus, I move into a step to be more immersed in consistent prayer!

As God said to me,

"I have allowed this to happen to you because I am now fine tuning you into a more loving son for this world to experience!

Thank you Estelle Marianne Bridgette Goh for being that brave angel of God to me! I really do admire the courage you have!

Job 2:10

If we take joy from God, can we not take suffering too?