iThirst

There was a revelation phrase that God had revealed to me last year. It's a phrase that I have to come to struggle with over the course of the past few months, especially in the weeks that passed after my discernment had ended! I had questioned & quarreled many times with God over this phrase! There were numerous occasions where I concluded against God to say that this phrase just isn't real, at least in the modern world we live in today! But with each disagreement that I had with God over this, he very silently responded and invited me to wait upon him! He also said many times saying, "My Son, my time and yours are very different! I do not work according to your time. I work according to my time! I see everything in the world, when you only see the world from your point of view! So trust & wait upon me, my Son!" But no matter what was said, I continued to struggle in my life with the scars I received during my discernment!

God revealed,

"There is no blemish in God's plan for you!"

This was the phrase that I struggled with after my discernment had concluded! I felt that there was so much blemish in God's Plan for me! But it was only at my community's retreat last weekend when God had convinced me that this phrase was indeed true! It was really the most complete retreat that I had been through! There was a 3 month anticipation and excitement that God has placed within my heart! It was a very surreal feeling within my heart! It was a feeling that gave me hope for what was to come and in that way, God gave me an immense faith to really believe in what amazing fruits would take place within the community as well as within my heart!

It was a really interesting experience to plan the retreat with the core team! The ideas sprang forth deep within my heart! There were many moments, when I felt like the vision that God had for the YV retreat was just an impossible one! There were many conversations with God when I just cried out to God of how impossible it would be for his vision of the community was! But in all conversations, God just told me to trust that if this vision of his was part of his will, then this vision would happen in his time!

But God didn't leave me empty-handed to get the resources we needed for the YV retreat to be one that would facilitate the vision that God had for this community! God provided everything, especially when I was in dire need of inspiration & ideas during the planning for the retreat! It was quite an exhilarating journey in planning this retreat! God made it so easy for me, but he did require me to do my part as well.

The build-up to the retreat was one that I would call a true rollercoaster of events that transpired! As a community, about 2 months before the retreat, we faced many many difficulties in terms of the many disagreements & conflicts we had between each other! There was such disunity & disharmony within the community! There was an immense lack of love because there was a very real issue that many people within the community were being hurt and there wasn't honesty about the way everyone was getting hurt! For me, it was a very real issue! But as deep as I struggled with how I felt that these struggles were unnecessary, these struggles made our retreat experience a complete. In a very real way, these experiences within the community was God's way of spiritually preparing us for our retreat! After a few weeks of discussing about these issues, we headed to prepare ourselves, as a community for this retreat! For me, God just took control of all our plans!

Now, the retreat was just a complete one! The amazing part of the retreat was that everyone coming for the retreat knew what they were heading into before the retreat had started! Everyone knew that the retreat was one of healing and complete renewal of everyone as a child of God and also as a community of the 'Youth Vineyard'! The spirit during the retreat was just so beautiful as I just felt the Spirit of God taking each session by the way God desired for it to be! Another amazing fact was that God chose people who were completely experienced in ministry and especially people that were really close to the heart of God!

Now here is my experience of the YV retreat! At the start of the retreat, I struggled alot because in my heart I really wanted to receive healing from my immense brokenness! I wanted to be healed and be set free! But i also knew that there were certain things that I needed to do during the retreat that was important for me to take charge of. The reason for that was to actually preserve what God wanted at the retreat! So at the first session done by Cheryl, Jeanette & MSC, I felt that there was this very foreign feeling within the very depths of my heart! I felt like I was in a foreign & totally barren land with God! I didn't understand why God had just taken me out a land that was beautiful and placed me in this barren land instead! But nonetheless, God affirmed me that there was a reason for me to be here in this barren land! The 1st night ended with this state of being in a foreign land!

The next day was a very heavy day but I knew that it was a day of great healing for everyone! In my heart, I wondered whether it would be a time of healing for me too! I knew that it was a deep desire for me to receive healing and that love of Jesus! The 1st half of the day was one where there was a balance of both serving and receiving! Alfred gave a session of 'Intimacy with God'! For me, it was a session to help me identify the giftings that God had blest me with and to also identify the areas in my life where I felt was negative! The day moved on to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, done by Edwyn!

It was only after Edwyn had talked when I received an immense healing from the Cross of Jesus! As soon as we entered reflection & silent time to prepare ourselves for confession, I broke down in the corner of the room! I was left crying for about 25 minutes! In those moments, I struggled with how 'Purity' was only a dream that I could have, but not a reality that could occur in my life! In my heart, I was crying out to God of why I could only desire 'Purity'! But that was as far as it went! It was something I could only desire! At that moment, I struggled to surrender my life to Jesus! I just couldn't accept & embrace that God still chose to use an impure man like me to serve him in his kingdom! I couldn't agree that God still wanted to use me as an instrument of his love unto others! I just couldn't accept this! But God very gently invited me to have faith in him! God gently explained that if there was a deep desire for purity in my heart, then it was because he had placed that desire in my heart and it would just be a matter of time when that desire of 'Purity' within my heart would become a reality! So very slowly, I went before the Cross of Jesus, as a very broken man and surrendered it all unto God! That toke me another 15-20 mins! After that, I made a very good confession! After this session, we had mass celebrated by Fr. John Chua & Fr. Thomas Curran! It was just the perfect way to complete God's healing within me for this area of my life!

The retreat just got better & better! There was just so much more that God had in stored for both the community & me! The next session was done by someone that I look up to alot! Dominic Chan, a man that is holy & god-seeking but also a man that lives out his vocation of Marriage! He gave a session on 'iThirst', where he talked about the very real issue of the world today that constantly draw us further and further away from God and who he desires for each of us to be! For me, I felt so honoured & humbled when he asked me to lead the community into an opening session before he started his session! I remembered so clearly what he said, "You just do your thing, dude!" This was something so simple but yet a phrase that touched me so much! I guess it was just so heart-warming to have someone I look up to so much, to believe in me! Praise God! Anyways, after his session, everyone entered silent time to reflect on their own hunger for God, while I talked with Dom's team about the plans for the night session! As I was talking with them, I just felt that although I wanted to be on the receiving end of the night session, I knew that discussing with Dom's team was something that God wanted me to do in sacrifice for a beautiful experience of God's healing & love that the entire community would receive at the night session! So after setting up everything for the night session, I prayed together with the team! In those moments of praying with them, I was in such awe of the people of God that I was in the presence of! I just praised God for blessing YV at our retreat with these beautiful people of God! As the session started, there was just an immense anointing over the entire room! During worship, I was clicking the slides and for the 1st time, I was doing something different & new but yet worshipping the same Lord Jesus! It was simply amazing! During the praying-over, I helped Martin Fernandez to support him as he prayed-over! In the room, I was just amazed at the healing that was taking place! After everyone was prayed-over, I went to Dom & Charles to ask them to pray over me! I started by sharing my struggles and then, I asked something of God that I had asked 4 years ago, at the very 1st yv retreat!

I challenged God to make his will take place in my life!

As they were praying over me, I realised something. During God's healing of me during the Sacrament of Reconciliation session, God took away my broken & wounded heart and replaced it with a hollow heart! God had to totally empty me! So as they were praying over me, God started placing his love & the gift of faith within my heart! He was filling that hollow heart with himself! He was filling my heart with the gifts of faith, wisdom & love that I needed for the journey that lay ahead for me! After they prayed over me, I just so much at peace and in union with Jesus! The session ended with silent adoration and then a beautiful time of a 'Victory praise' unto God! The night ended with a very beautiful time of sharing with my sharing group! It was just best way to end a very beautiful day!

Now, anyone will probably presume that since God had healed me so much at the retreat, the 3rd & final day of the YV retreat would be one where God would just use me to serve him! But as the saying goes, "we can never outdo God in generosity"! This saying is so true as the 3rd day of the yv retreat begins! As we headed to St. Ignatius Church for mass, we were all late and I was part of the last group that went to the church for mass! But although I was late, God continued to do what he had planned to tell me at mass!

During the readings of mass, Jesus spoke,

"I thirst!"

At first, when I heard this revelation, I instantly thought that since I am a huge admirer of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, it was just my imagination! So i told Jesus to intensify this revelation during mass, since the mass is where Jesus is most present! As soon as I said that to Jesus, the revelation intensified like never before in my heart. Jesus kept saying, "I thirst!" Soon, Jesus gave me a small feeling of the sorrow he felt in his heart! This was a sorrow of how Jesus felt when he saw each one of his children suffering from a lack of love in their own lives! It was then that I knew that this revelation was for me and that Jesus was blessing me with this deep & intimate sharing between us! At one point in our conversation, Jesus said, "My Son, I thirst for my Singapore youth! I thirst for their presence! Tell them to surrender their lives unto me so that they can be loved as they should, only then can they will live happily! Tell them to surrender their lives unto me, my Son!" As Jesus' thirst was immensely present in my heart, tears rolled down from my eyes and my heart cried out for him as I experienced the sorrow of Jesus!

After mass ended, we headed back to FMM retreat house to continue the retreat! After breakfast, Joshua gave us a session on 'Community building'. After he spoke for about 80 mins, he led us into a time of 'Community Reconciliation', through the act of washing each other's feet! This was yet another time of immense healing for me! For the longest time, maybe about 10 months, a fellow community member & I have been struggling with each other, although its a fact that has been known only within the 2 of our hearts! As much as we desired to reconcile with each other for the longest time, there was never an opportunity to reconcile in the way that God desired for it to be! For the both of us, this relationship between each other has caused the both of us to not be as real as we would like to be with each other and has also caused the both of us to have alot of brokenness! And it had been a few months already, when it was a session where I knew was just the perfect chance to reconcile with her. But when the reflection came, in my heart, I just struggled so much to forgive her. In my mind, I knew that I wanted to both seek forgiveness from her and also give forgiveness to her! I couldn't understand why I was feeling this immense difficulty to forgive, ut I knew that I was feeling that way in my heart. So as she was reconciling with someone else, I talked to 2 of my very trusted & close community members and after speaking to them for about 2 mins, they decided to just pray for me. After they concluded in prayer, she approached me to wash my feet & seek forgiveness!

And through our whole process of reconciling with each other, I really struggled so much like never before to forgive her. Jesus then spoke to me, "My Son, she is bondage and you have a chance to release her from that bondage by granting her forgiveness!" It took me awhile to forgive her but it was completely the Grace & Love of God that helped me to forgive me! In the end, it was a beautiful visual display of God's love!

Other than the love & grace of god, it was a phrase that was said to me by one of 2 very trusted & close community members taht prayed for me that made a huge difference that helped me forgive her! She said, "Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is an act! It was the final piece of healing that God needed to heal me of during this yv retreat! So I really thank that person for those words!

The retreat ended with the final session! I gave a 20 min sharing on what Jesus had shared with me at Mass earlier that morning, on the immense thirst of Jesus for each of us! The Holy Spirit then prompted me to get each of them to make a commitment to God! This commitment was to basically set time aside in their week/day for Jesus, depending on the busyness of their schedules and their spiritual needs. After they had thought of that, they came before the Cross of Jesusu to make that commitment to God! After that, we ended the retreat with the most amazing worship that I had ever experienced in my 8 years of being in ministry! Although it was a worship that I led, I would have to say without a an ounce of doubt in my heart, that there was only 1 worship leader, it was the Holy Spirit! The worship lasted 1hr 30mins, where we also prayed-over a community member that was only able to make it on the last day of the retreat! And yes, there was so much healing in everyone again! For me, it was a a time of worship that I just had so much fun and experienced so much joy as I witnessed God's healing & complete love being manifested during the worship. For me, in my own personal testimony of all that God had done for me at this YV retreat, it was just the perfect way to ensure this concrete testimony of God's healing & transformation within me! It was just the perfect end to the retreat that was just so amazing! It was a retreat where the vision of God had become a reality!

There is so much to praise god for! I wanna thank;

1) MSC: For very openly being available for us at the retreat! I thank you all for helping us things that some may see as so small but I see as so important! Thank you so much especially for leading us in our opening session & the 2 worships! Love you all very much! Really appreciate your efforts & love!

2) Alfred: For the session on 'intimacy with god'! Thank you for your very personal & intimate sharings!

3) Edwyn & Karen: Thank you both for giving us the session on the Sacrament of Reconciliation! I just want you'll to know how thankful I am to you both for putting time aside to give us that session although you'll have so many other commitments!

4) Joshua: Thank you so much brother! Your sharings & insights on community really helped us! You are just a gift from God unto each of us!

5) Dominic & team : I just cannot thank you all enough! Your team has been so pivotal in for a true God experience for each of us! We are so blest to have had you'll give us our night session! I personally thank God for all your guidance unto me! You'll inspire me everyday to be that light & love of Christ! Thank you once again!

6) Jeanette : Our very lovely adult advisor! You are a true reflection of God's faithfulness unto his people! Thank you for believing in each of us! I praise god for having you guide us and especially sticking with us all the way!

7) To all priests and all those who have helped us! Praise God for you!

I just give you all my praise O beautiful Lord Jesus! I feel so honoured to be in this community! I feel even more honoured to be called a Son of yours! I love you my jesus! I pray that I will forever treasure this YV retreat 2011!

Love you all, Youth Vineyard!