The weekend thats just passed has been one of intense pain in the heart. And as you would know from the previous post, "I'm losing my way", you would even wonder if things are getting better for me. In many ways, I'd say that things are getting harder to accept.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to spend an hour in the Adoration Room before heading for evening mass at 5.30pm @ SFX. Actually I didn't plan for it at all. My initial plan was to go home after lunch with whomever and then head for mass from home. But God had other plans for me, although it may seems that we are in control of the way we live our lives. So lunch with Shaun, Estelle, Freeman & my God brother, Steven ended around 4pm. So since Estelle and myself intended to go for mass, we just ended up in church at 4.15pm and headed for an hour of silent time with God.
In the first 15 minutes in ado, I was just resting in the presence of God and not thinking too much, although there were a few instances when I almost dozed off. But after that I decided to start conversing with God without an agenda in mind. But as I conversed with God, a huge amount of sadness started to dawn upon me. This reflection took me even further and also started to become a really emotional time for me. I just started to feel extremely lost. Its constantly felt like I was on a Desert and I just had no clue where I was headed towards.
And soon my eyes started to filled with tears. I just keep thinking about the kind of person I used to be. I recalled the joy I had everytime I walked alone and for me that was a dance with the Lord. I knew that those were the times I really really treasured so much. And at this moment, I can't even recall the last time I felt that way. I also recalled how happy I was every single day of my life. In those times, I felt like I was already in Heaven with Christ Jesus, dancing and be ever joyful in God's presence. The most amazing character of the person I was, was how I had always followed my heart. And it was constantly, King David that I'd strive to be like, "A Man after God's own heart!" And as I continued to recall these moments, I just started to cry gently in the adoration room.
As I started to reflect on the person I was now, the sadness started to be too heavy for me to bear. And in the midst of this immense sadness, God kept gentle whispering in my ear & heart, "I know, my Child. I know." And I think it might have been quite surprising for Estelle (who is a 15-year-old confirmand) sitting beside me and witnessing my outward expressions of being lost. I was then reminded of how much support I had from my Cell, Amplify & YAM.
But as I started to settle down and allow God that chance to speak to me, He reminded me of How much joy I had last year when I wasn't "LOST". He showed me how easy it was to see him in the joys but then explained to me how difficult its was to see him in the struggles.
And then the revelation came by,
He said,
"You used to be rich in my joy, peace, love & grace but you knew that you're place to be of service to others would be with the youths of St. Francis Xavier church. So in this knowledge you became much poorer in my joy, peace, love & grace, so that the youths of St. Francis Xavier church could be rich in my joy, peace, love & grace. In summary, Mark Sebastian Abraham, my child, you gave of your richness in me to be poor so that others will become rich in me! You became lost so that others can find their way in me as their God"
And after this revelation from God, it started make sense for me. Although it still is so hard to accept. But I think the struggle is to be found in Jesus again so that I can dance in God's presence again. Thank you Jesus for this ongoing time of suffering. For I know I will surely growing in this time of suffering. But grant me the grace and strength to embrace my crosses just like you, Lord Jesus Christ.
Praise you, O Lord in the heavens for you make all things new!
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