The Mysterious Weekend (Part II)

The retreat experience was so prayfully amazing! On the 2nd & 3rd days of the retreat, we all had spent a total of 3 hours (an hour separately) of silent time each day. And the most awesome thing was how I never got tired of silent time with the Lord! I always had that desire to come back for more and more each time! And it was in that silence with the Lord where I just constantly felt so joyfully rejoicing in the presence of the Lord! I used to struggle so much to even be silent for 10 minutes!

But this retreat also taught me of the true power of the Holy Spirit. For so many of us, we take our prayers to the Holy Spirit so so lightly especially for me. And we pray it for the sake of praying it but never really believing that the Holy Spirit will come! We may have a little faith but even in that faith, we will think that it'll be a miracle for the Holy spirit to be with our presence! We hope that the Holy Spirit will be with us but never ever believe and claim in faith that the Holy Spirit WILL be with us! But I recall a moment of prayer where I forgot to call upon the name of the Holy Spirit and found it so so difficult to be silent and to wait upon the Lord. But as soon as I prayed & called upon the Holy Spirit to be with me, I felt it so easy to be Silent, Calm & to have patience to wait upon the Lord!

Throughout my prayer time using the Ignatian Contemplation, I found it so difficult to enter into the scene of the Gospel passages I was reading. But in those times, I had visions of other thing God was trying to tell me. But I struggled with the fact that I couldn't enter the scene. And as I was sharing with Novice Lance, he shared with me to trust God was in control of that time of contemplation. Even if I didn't enter into the scene, to not lose faith but know that God is totally in control! And in may of the visions I had, it was God always showing me alot of his creation, mainly trees, birds, the sky, the sun and his most valuable creation, his children. God explained to me of how God is in every single of his creation even the gangsters & prostitutes around the world! He lives in every single one of us, not forgetting the people we think are evil and that nothing good can come from their hearts! And this revelation was so appropriate for me as I've been struggling with the confusions in my mind to see God in everything! And yet again, in another vision, God reassured me to be his light for those who find it hard to find Jesus in their darkness!

But the final message for me from God was "Not to ever over-react in any circumstance but to stop and be still to hear the true voice of the Lord! Whenever I feel too deep in temptation, to just stop and find out why in that moment I feel tempted. Because as always we fall into sin, because we over-react in those times of temptation no matter what the sin may be! Even if its sexual sin, I should just stop and think why at that moment I feel tempted to commit that sin even before I commit sin"

The overall revelation was, "To look at the world through the most loving eyes of Jesus! Look at everything you feel is bad & wrong through Jesus' eyes!" And with regards to my Vocation, I rejoice in the Lord for giving me strength to take that step to discern. God has reminded me time and again vocation is based on both of God's will for me and also the God-given desires within the depths of our hearts!

Finally what I think what was so amazing after the retreat, was how after my semi-silent retreat, I suddenly lost my voice when I woke up on Monday morning! Its still healing slowly though! But I've had the experience of being someone who wants to tell the world about how happy & in love with Jesus I am but yet I am a mute for awhile! There have been times when I got really angry & frustrated & sad but I submit unto the plan of God for I am so sure that he always has my interest at heart. He will never stop loving you & me! We just gotta have a little faith that God knows what he is doing with his precious Children!

Praise you O Lord in the Heavens! You make all of us look good in this passing world! I delight in you, O my God!

May you use me as your signpost of love in the midst of anyone's darkness more & more each day!

The Mysterious Weekend (Part I)

It has been one of those weekends where you know you had a life-changing experience with this Awesome God! And I am so sure that in a couple of years, I'd look back at this weekend so proclaim from the heavens that started that deepening of 'My Journey with Jesus'.

Just because of the weekend that just passed, I had to tell so many white lies as I was just so fearful and wasn't ready to tell anyone where I was going. But after the retreat, God has really instilled in me the confidence that, "I should be afraid but to just have a little faith in God! For God always knows!" And so over this weekend, I was at the 'Jesuits Vocation Retreat'. And for many people, this may seem like something really simple or even easy to tell people. But for me, I just felt like I didn't want anyone to know about this. I just was so fearful of telling people about this!

But after the retreat, God made me feel so special and really gave me the confidence to go public with the fact that I will be taking the next 12 months to discern my Vocation!

The weekend was really amazing for me in so many ways. It was a time where God yet again introduced me to the Ignatian Contemplation where we would use our imagination to allow God to speak to us through the passage we will read before entering the time of imagination and silence! As I entered the retreat on Friday night, I was really so excited and I just was so aware that God would surprise in ways I could never imagine! God was about to really intensify my walk with him!

But even before I reached the retreat venue, there was intense excitement. I was on the way there on the bus. And ever since I came back from my aussie trip in Perth, I picked up a really lovely habit to always greet and thank the bus driver whenever I boarded/alighted the bus. And I really praise God for this grace he has blest me with! And as soon as I alighted the bus, I realised that I have left my mobile phone in the bus. And as I started to panic, God quickly prompted me to flag for a cab and chase the bus. Within seconds I boarded the cab and was on a chase for the 1st time in my life! Although I was so doubtful that I could still get my mobile phone back, the cab driver reassured not to worry! We got in front of the bus at a traffic light junction. And I started to wave to the Bus driver and praise God that he remembered me. I then got out of the cab and boarded the bus in the middle of a busy road. Thank God I found my phone. Then I dropped off at the next bus-stop and headed to the retreat place! What a experience even before the retreat begun!

Stay tuned for my intensified silent prayer experience in Part II!


Praise you O GOD!

The Holier, The Gentler

"God wants us to become active as flames of Love by which his Spirit transforms us!"

St John of the Cross

This post has actually been a really long delayed one as its been a reflection based on the September issue of Word Among Us. That issue was very much focused on the Life of St. John of the Cross. And for me, I never really read about the life of St. John of the Cross and had the idea that he was a man of God that really follow all the rules of the Catholic Faith and that his Spirituality was one that was really strict! So whenever his name came to mind, I'd many a time, just switch of because my spirituality wasn't one of following the rules and one that was really strict!

But when I receive that issue, I decided to give St. John of the Cross a chance and I was so happy and blest to have do that! And this saint's spirituality is simply so amazing and exciting! His spirituality was very much like St. Teresa of Avila and also that the both of them were really so close as friends! His spirituality was based on the numerous intimate experiences of God! And as you would already know by now, that my Spirituality is very much based on that too!

But as I was reading about him, what struck me the most was how gentle as a Man of God he was! As I continued to read, I was really amazed by his genuineness and how gentle he was! And in so many ways, he was so much Jesus. Even when he was thrown into solitary, he embraced that alone time with God. And I embrace every struggle without complaining.

And as I reflect, I find myself caught at the crossroad where I question my own gentleness. And I think that gentleness is really one of the trustworthy gauges to see if we really are becoming holier! So many times we acclaim to everyone that we are walking with God but so many of us miss out on this mark of the gentleness we have in our hearts and in the way we carry ourselves in the midst of people of God! We may seem like walking with God, but are our words & actions really showcasing the Love that Jesus gave to us or is it a love that we feel should be showcased! We would only be deceiving ourselves then!

And its so evident that this is what God is really calling me to at this moment in my walk with my Lord! I want be just like St. John of the Cross, to be gentle, meek & humble in every single thing I do whether for God or anyone else. I want to watchful of the words I speak and the action I do. I pray & earnestly desire to be alot more gentler in my ways everyone I meet each day especially the people I find hard be the person that my heart desires to be!

Lord Jesus, I desire to be holier and in turn much more gentle & humble! I pray that your Spirit will prompt me and hold my tongue when I'm about to make a comment that doesn't glorify your name or build someone up! I ask you Lord Jesus to purify my Heart! Guide me as I desire this to be more real in my life!

Praise God!

God knows

In the midst of the busy lives that we live, as people walking with God, we all have had our moments when we wonder if our God in the heavens actually knows what we're going through here on earth! These moments become even more intense when we hurt so much deep within our hearts! We would go to great lengths to stop the intense pain in our hearts!

Then we are left wondering, "Does God really care about me? God said that He'll never ever abandon me! But I feel so abandoned by God and so alone! Why wouldn't God help me?"

Whether we are a student or a working adult, I'm sure we've had our fair share of intense pain in our hearts. And as always, the thoughts of whether its really worth to walk this path with God! For some of us, the pain becomes so painful, that we even have thoughts of whether its worth to be alive. But is God really with us in those times? Does he even care?

And as I reflect abit more upon this, I am so sure that God is much much more sadder to see us feeling this way. God has done everything by always assuring us through his Word that he'll never abandon us! But in times of pain, we feel and sometimes conclude that God has abandoned us! In those times, I think God even cries to see us that way. I think God even wants to come right down from the heavens to wipe away the tears from our eyes and also take away the pain within our hearts! But God knows that when we get through the storms in our lives, we will be stronger in our faith! There will never be anyone walking with God that would declare that the storms in his/her life haven't made him/her stronger now! They would instead declare that, "It is because of the storm in his/her life that they are still walking with God!" They will declare 7 acclaim that they now see God so amazingly present in the midst of the storms! But God also know how much we can withstand in our storms and he knows what our limits are! When we reach our limits, God will never forget to send us people to help us along the way to find our feet again.

Even Jesus felt so abandoned on his road to Calvary. As he was carrying the cross, everyone insulted & spat on him. And when he fell from carry his cross, I'm sure he felt helpless, but then he saw his Mother, Mary. And just when Mary came to Jesus to wipe his face, jesus soon realised his purpose in suffering so that all may receive redemption from their sins! Through that and the many other people like Simon who carried Jesus' cross! For God knew Jesus limit too and came to his aid by sending people to remind him of God's presence!

God knows what we always go through in our lives. He knows all of intense moments of pain & hurts. He knows every time we cry and seek for help! He also knows what we need in those moments of pain. God always has our best interest at heart even when it doesn't seem like that at all. We are called to embrace those moments of intense pain and unite our sufferings with Jesus' wounds!

Romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us!"

Hebrews 4:16
"Let us then approach the Throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need"

My prayer at this moment for all suffering, is to recognize God in the midst of this difficult time of pain! Your call is to embrace this moment and have little faith that God knows what he is doing! Trust him for God Knows!

We are all broken people

Well during mass earlier today, this thought came to mind after a reflection on my recent experiences with God, "Are we all broken people living in this world?" And as mass when on, I went much deeper into this thought. And I think in many ways, my recent posts have brought upon this post. I guess that God always uses our various experiences to ultimately bring Glory to the name of Jesus!

And the recent experience of my struggles with accepting & loving the people I meet everyday, has also really brought me to think about my struggle of an invisible mask I wore at times without myself even realizing it. For me, as a Leader in my parish, this has been a real dilemma, I always have that mindset that although I am struggling in my own walk with God, I always am aware that, "At least I have had an experience with God. There are so many people that have yet to have that experience." And I guess in many ways that's the reason why I may have worn this invisible mask!

But as I continued to reflect upon this, the question of "What Jesus would do" came to mind! And if there was 1 thing Jesus wasn't at all, was being a proud man. And even when Jesus was struggling, He wouldn't deny his struggle and even embrace & accept his struggle. But most importantly, he would acclaim that it is by God's strength alone that will allow him to surpass this struggle. For me, that is what a humble man of God would do even when he has to carry a heavy struggle on his shoulders. And as my reflection continued, I felt that we must change the way we look at struggles.

For so many of us involved in ministry, we may see struggle as a weakness and also carry the perception that anyone struggling is either not close to God or something that is negative. And this is even worst for guys, simply because Guys have an image to upkeep. We always want to be seen as strong & mighty. At least this is the culture constantly being spread. So much so that when any teenage boy tears, another teenage boy will see it as extremely weird. I can relate in a way cause throughout my period of struggle, I felt scared to share with anyone my struggles due to my fear of being judged. I was so used to people seeing me as strong that I wouldn't know how they'd react when they saw/heard me struggling so much in my faith.

But after this experience of sharing my struggles with someone no one would expect I'd share with, I realize today at mass that, 'We are all broken people'! It doesn't matter at all how long you've been in ministry or even how long you've spent time in prayer! We are always broken in one way or another but we are always called to recognize, accept & embrace our brokenness and allow God to fix us all the time. But to also bear in mind that our prayer life makes the difference of how broken we are! And especially, as a guy, I fear telling others that I'm broken but today this revelation that 'We are all broken', speaks volumes of what kind of Men for God we are set out to be!

May we as people of God, never be afraid to embrace the brokenness in you! God will neverever want us to wear a mask to show people to show that we're alright when we are actually dying to seek for a listening ear and pour out our struggles in this demanding world!

Spread this culture of love & acceptance, People of God!

Praise God!

Learning from mistakes

Well over the last 2 posts, there's been alot of pain in the heart. As i read the post again and again, there just seems to be alot of thoughts of pain. And I've struggled to find where God's hand is in all of it! Time and again I wonder if this realizations have been part of God's plan because it seems to be hurting not only me the ones whom I struggle with.

Last night, I was feeling so frustrated and thankfully, God sent an angel (Estelle in this case) to bring my mind certain realizations of which she had made known to me. As I was chatting with her on MSN, i kept bring to the conversation the characteristics that I had developed over this of which I said I hated about myself at this present time. And in reply, she kept bringing to the conversation, the characteristics she saw in me. And after awhile I think it was God's way of telling me to really let go of the disappointments I was feeling about the person I had become. And Estelle just kept reminding me of who God formed me to be and to most importantly focus on that. And that really helped me calm down and allow all thoughts to just flow and let Jesus be in control.

But while spending some time in the adoration room earlier at night, I finally got a chance to sit down and take a look at everything that has been said and has happened. And the main conclusion, was that I felt really said that the things I used to love about myself haven't really been present over the course of this year. And in that sadness, I kept look at all the negatives of this year of which the Devil has always wanted but thankfully God sent me his angel. And as I reflected on the positives of this year, I realized that there was so much spiritual growth in me. And i maybe have yet to see the fruits of the spiritual growth from this year yet.

But the most captivating message from God during adoration was that it is a true fact that suffering is an ongoing process for us as we walk with Christ. Many a time, we need to be lost before we can find ourselves in God again. We need to be emptied before God can fill us again. If not what God has filled us with, wouldn't be purely from him, there would be a mixture of the good & bad. But its only when we empty ourselves where we will have 100% space for Jesus to fill us with his love & grace.

Looking ahead, God has invited me to try to bring the heavenly gifts I used to enjoy so much last year into the people I have been struggling with this year. This journey is always impossible but only my lovely God can make this possible.

Conclusion: Its always so easy for us to make mistakes but the heavenly call is the embrace the fact that we fell down and failed through our efforts. Then, we need to be humble enough to ask for guidance from God to teach us how to live again. And also recognise that it is only through God's strength that we can succeed.

Praise you God for this experience of learning from my mistakes! Teach me O Lord to live like you again!

Suffering for God's people

The weekend thats just passed has been one of intense pain in the heart. And as you would know from the previous post, "I'm losing my way", you would even wonder if things are getting better for me. In many ways, I'd say that things are getting harder to accept.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to spend an hour in the Adoration Room before heading for evening mass at 5.30pm @ SFX. Actually I didn't plan for it at all. My initial plan was to go home after lunch with whomever and then head for mass from home. But God had other plans for me, although it may seems that we are in control of the way we live our lives. So lunch with Shaun, Estelle, Freeman & my God brother, Steven ended around 4pm. So since Estelle and myself intended to go for mass, we just ended up in church at 4.15pm and headed for an hour of silent time with God.

In the first 15 minutes in ado, I was just resting in the presence of God and not thinking too much, although there were a few instances when I almost dozed off. But after that I decided to start conversing with God without an agenda in mind. But as I conversed with God, a huge amount of sadness started to dawn upon me. This reflection took me even further and also started to become a really emotional time for me. I just started to feel extremely lost. Its constantly felt like I was on a Desert and I just had no clue where I was headed towards.

And soon my eyes started to filled with tears. I just keep thinking about the kind of person I used to be. I recalled the joy I had everytime I walked alone and for me that was a dance with the Lord. I knew that those were the times I really really treasured so much. And at this moment, I can't even recall the last time I felt that way. I also recalled how happy I was every single day of my life. In those times, I felt like I was already in Heaven with Christ Jesus, dancing and be ever joyful in God's presence. The most amazing character of the person I was, was how I had always followed my heart. And it was constantly, King David that I'd strive to be like, "A Man after God's own heart!" And as I continued to recall these moments, I just started to cry gently in the adoration room.

As I started to reflect on the person I was now, the sadness started to be too heavy for me to bear. And in the midst of this immense sadness, God kept gentle whispering in my ear & heart, "I know, my Child. I know." And I think it might have been quite surprising for Estelle (who is a 15-year-old confirmand) sitting beside me and witnessing my outward expressions of being lost. I was then reminded of how much support I had from my Cell, Amplify & YAM.

But as I started to settle down and allow God that chance to speak to me, He reminded me of How much joy I had last year when I wasn't "LOST". He showed me how easy it was to see him in the joys but then explained to me how difficult its was to see him in the struggles.

And then the revelation came by,

He said,

"You used to be rich in my joy, peace, love & grace but you knew that you're place to be of service to others would be with the youths of St. Francis Xavier church. So in this knowledge you became much poorer in my joy, peace, love & grace, so that the youths of St. Francis Xavier church could be rich in my joy, peace, love & grace. In summary, Mark Sebastian Abraham, my child, you gave of your richness in me to be poor so that others will become rich in me! You became lost so that others can find their way in me as their God"

And after this revelation from God, it started make sense for me. Although it still is so hard to accept. But I think the struggle is to be found in Jesus again so that I can dance in God's presence again. Thank you Jesus for this ongoing time of suffering. For I know I will surely growing in this time of suffering. But grant me the grace and strength to embrace my crosses just like you, Lord Jesus Christ.

Praise you, O Lord in the heavens for you make all things new!