Confused

It's a state that I've been in for 1-2 months. In this discernment of whether to go to Aussie or stay in Singapore, I've been brought through moments of reflections that I would never have imagined to be struggling from. In recent weeks, I've been at a real lost as to where I'm headed towards in my discernment. I've also been experiencing emotions that I would never imagined myself to be experiencing. But the presence of God has been very present.

At the start of this discernment, I honestly assumed that making a decision at the end of the discernment would be an easy one. In the 1st month of my discernment, it seemed quite clear where my heart lay. It would only seem right that I was feeling so strong & happy about the possibility of studying in Aussie and eventually moving there. It was a thought that really brought much consolation, joy & peace. But amidst these emotions, subconsciously, I was in the sense sort of running away from what has been with me for years. That would be my parish, SFX and my community, Youth Vineyard. In that 1st month of discernment, it really felt like an easy decision to leave them for a valid reason to further my studies. I would call this first month the 'honeymoon month' of my discernment. But just like in any other commitment, we know that the journey that follows after the honeymoon phase would a very challenging month if we believe that the rest of the journey would be just like the honeymoon phase. This is exactly what had happened in my current discernment. In just so many ways, I'd underestimated the very depth & gravity of the importance & significance of what is present in my life in Singapore. These are my family, youth vineyard, SFX youth ministry, serangoon district and my roots.

As the discernment progressed into the 2nd month, the love in my family increased and so did the love & unity in yv & sfx youth ministry. In my heart, I struggled to come to terms that the very great struggles of the past were starting to become real strengths in my life. God started to touch & heal me in my deep hurt & wound on community. My perfectionist nature started to become one of a community nature. I started to grown in love with community! I started to grow into a greater love & appreciation with the very struggles & obstacles I felt about in the past. In my heart, I asked myself, "Mark, is it really your desire to leave?"

The discernment took on a totally different pattern of reflections & inclinations. My heart seemed to be torn between staying & going. My heart just seemed so divided. Confusion as to where I was headed towards grew more & more each day! I couldn't understand what had brought this on. I had done nothing to increase my love for these things but it seemed inevitable that I would grow in a greater love & appreciation of what was presently in my life here in Singapore, whether I did something about it. Love for what was present kept growing. This could never be the work of anyone else except from above. But amidst all these emotions, it seemed evident that the decision to take a discernment for this was a very wise & good choice to make. And I guess that this is also what discernment is about. We need to discern because we desire to find out God's direction in my life.

At the moment, my heart feels weary of where I'm headed towards. I guess it's only human nature that I'd be feeling this way because as humans, we become weary when we're in a situation of the unknown. But in the unknown state, I know that god calls out to me to trust that he walks right beside me in my weariness and that I should trust in his beautiful plan for me. I feel scared of losing many things & people. This is a very real possibility. But I am very sure that this discernment will surly purify my motives whether I stay or go.

Lord Jesus, fear fills my heart. And I'm scared of many things. But i know you're here with me. Jesus, I trust in you for I know that you always have my interest at heart! Lead me, Lord to your holy will. Grant me more of your grace to trust & depend on you, Jesus!

Put your hands in the hands of the Lord and never let go!

A new discernment

The word 'discernment' has been a word that has appeared in this blog many times. It's something that continues to remain a mystery for many people. It's also something that many people in this modern day aren't really accustomed to. There are many reasons for this issue on a lack of discerning people of god! In this modern world, we live in a very fast-paced life where we require our demands & wants to be received almost immediately or at the very least, in a very short span of time! This is credited to a certain extent to the very efficient way that our modern world works today! We live in a world where patience isn't very much present and I'm sure it's alright to say that patience isn't needed much because demands are expected to be delivered at an instant! Hence, it becomes alright to say that Discernment isn't very common in our modern world today. But I would very much disagree to this.

Recently, I've just finished reading a very famous book on discernment called, "Weeds among the Wheat". It's really been amazing book to read as I've come to realize the mistakes I've made in my own discernment! But I'd say that without those mistakes, I wouldn't have enjoyed reading this book as much. There has been so much that I've learnt about discernment! I've also come to a realization that discernment is a difficult practice in our present times due to the very evident fact that our world doesn't provide a very conducive climate for discernment. But this doesn't mean that discernment is impossible, rather it challenges us to a much deep dependence on God to be with us in our discernment! Another aspect of discernment that many of us are afraid of is the truth that there may be a chance that we would fall and make mistakes. The question we should be asking ourselves in this fear is, "Do you think you are so great that it would be so easy to ruin your life?" God surely is much more in control of our lives than we perceive him to be, especially if we grant him full control of our lives! In the first place, all he needed was our permission to take control of our lives! Then we may ask ourselves, then how could God allow mistakes to happen! God allows them because it would then challenge us to be humble and depend on God more!

Over the past 3 years, I've been on 2 discernments on 2 different people. Over the course of these discernments, I've come to embrace that I've made many mistakes. They're mistakes that also could have been avoided. But in process of making these mistakes, I've come to accept that I need to learn about something before I enter into it. I've also come to celebrate that God has saved me from the misery of my mistakes! This process hasn't been one bit easy. It's been a process where I've really had to humble myself and cry out to God to help me. But it's been a process that has led me to have a much deeper dependence & trust in God! God has definitely written straight on my crooked lines! I've definitely learnt from the mistakes I've made. In hope not to make those mistakes again, but if I do make those mistakes again, then it happens for a reason and I need to know God is with me all the way.

At this present moment, there are many desires that lies in my heart. But amidst those desires, there is 1 outstanding desire. This desire is to allow God's will to take place in my life. I've also come to a deeper understanding that God's will is for you to be happy according to his ways not ours. But when we come to embrace and see the goodness of his ways, our ways slowly comes closer to his ways! In my heart, there is much joy at the way my journey with God is headed towards! Ever since coming back from my Aussie trip, I've been discovering so much of myself. I am very sure that this is not only the beauty & joy of my relationship with God but it is also a time of preparation for what is to come for me. I feel very much filled with a hope rooted & founded in God alone!

Since the recent Aussie trip, I've come to a much deeper realization of the emotions within my heart, especially with regards to a deep desire in my heart to stay in Aussie! It's actually a desire that I chose to reject for the last 2 years. All this while, I had always assumed that God was never in favour of this desire. It's only been recently that I've opened my heart to this desire when a good friend of mine said something during a workshop he gave. He said, "If we don't have a choice in journey with God, then that isn't a love advocated by god! In God's love, there is always a choice." This led me to at least consider this desire. Once I opened my heart to this desire, the option to study in a university there became a much more possible option. Slowly, more doors to aid this option started to open! The most obvious door was when the worry of finances was put to rest for at least my first year of university studies. Since opening my heart to this option, this desire to be there has grown into a very concrete option as least. Now, I'm officially taking a 7-month discernment on whether to study in Aussie or Singapore. I feel much more at peace with the idea of Discernment now because I've learnt the ways of Catholic Discernment!

Lord Jesus, I praise & thank you for the many things happening in my life. I also thank you for guiding me to open this option of discerning where to study. I pray that you will guide me on my discernment. I pray that I be honest with my emotions and trust that you will speak your will into my heart! Fill me with your holy spirit as I make this discernment with you! I need you and depend on you, God!

Praise you, O God of heaven & earth!

A leap of faith

A leap of faith is one that I've always wondered if I've ever done before. A leap of faith is like blind faith where you don't quite know what you'll be heading towards. Its a leap into the unknown and uncertain. For many, its something that becomes too risky as you require faith to trust that God is holding your hand as you take this leap of faith. A leap of faith applies to many different situations. These situations vary from entering a relationship to answer your vocation to being part of a community to going for a retreat to taking up a job offer to picking a course for study and the list goes on. For me, there have been a few moments when I too have been invited to take a leap of faith. I guess it goes to say that taking a leap of faith is never something that is neither easy to do nor is it within our comfort zones. As humans, we all prefer to be aware of what we are headed towards as it gives us a certain level of assurance of whether we'd be able to survive in that situation. We like being comfortable and aware.

This leap of faith that I took was one that I never intended to take. In actual fact, I made a firm decision to not take this leap of faith. But God has his ways of convincing me otherwise. It all started shortly after my community's retreat in March. A fellow friend from aussie has emailed me to affirm me about the great things that happened at the yv retreat. She said that many of her fellow sowers shared with her about the great joy they felt through their intimate experience of God during the retreat. She then asked if I could help give her pointers for her own community retreat back in aussie! Without hesitation, I was more than willing to share my insights & ideas. After all, it was just to share pointers. As time progressed, the program for her community retreat had been finalised. My work was done and I felt at peace but there was this nagging feeling in my heart to help more than I had planned to. After much persistence from God, I had told her that there could be a possibility for a team from Singapore to head down to aussie to help serve at the retreat! But I made it very clear that I would not be going down as I was still recovering from my discernment and furthermore, it was an all-girls community. I knew in my heart that going to help at this retreat would be well beyond me. So I just formed a small team to go down to serve at their retreat! Praise god because there were 3-4 sower girls that were keen & open to the idea. So this made me feel not too bad about not going down to serve.

But as time progressed, the nagging feeling in my heart to serve at the retreat grew. But nonetheless, I was firm on choosing to not go as the reasons were valid and reasonable. In the meantime, the girls that accepted to serve for the aussie retreat were very persistent in their attempt to convince me to go with them to serve at the retreat. I remained strong but it was when I was sending off a fellow community member at the airport when I finally opened my heart to the idea. Ever since that moment, God paved the way for everything to move so smoothly. One thing led to another and the next moment, I just took that leap of faith and I was in Aussie serving at a all-girls 5-day retreat (though there was a guy who came for 2 nights). I was really entering a territory that was completely uncertain for me. There were many fears in my heart as I was the only person to give all 13 teaching sessions! There were so many reasons to back out but amidst all those reasons & fears, there was this very evident call in my heart to just take this leap of faith and know that Jesus holds my hand with me. Jesus takes this leap of faith with me.

This leap of faith is definitely the best decision I've ever made in my life. There is absolutely no doubt about that. As I was serving at the 5-day retreat, there was absolutely no moment at all where I felt regretful about making the trip down. It was the first time that I felt so happy & rested serving at a retreat. It was really amazing because I didn't sleep much during the retreat but somehow I just felt so rested. It was also a retreat that really stretched me, especially in my gift of teaching. But I'm so grateful to God for stretching me in this area because it was at this retreat that I was finally able to embrace & rejoice that I had a gift in Teaching! It was an experience like never before because I felt so happy & at ease giving each of the 13 teachings. Yes, I will admit that it was stressful but I felt so peaceful giving the teaching sessions. There surely is a big difference when you serve God in your area of gifting.

There were so many lessons I learnt from the retreat as well as the community there. I feel so honoured to have been with the community there! I had the privilege of witnessing how easy it was to love instead of judging. I also managed to witness the simplicity of God in each of the girls. I was also so touched by how much they loved & accepted me with ease. I felt so blest to be in their presence. I also learnt so much about community. I would say that something close to unconditional love was my experience with the girls from that community! I am forever thankful to each one of them! As much as I was there to serve, I was able to receive in abundance through my serving. I just felt so loved & appreciated like never before. I also leant what it meant to be truly Catholic. But I'll share about that in another post!

The retreat was a beautiful experience for each of them too! They had a true intimate experience of God's unconditional love. It was a retreat where I had never experience such a full experience of God's love & power as there was a the Sacrament of reconciliation, Mass, a night to experience the intimate touch of Jesus, a night of the outpouring of the holy spirit, the washing of feet & ect. It was such a full experience! There is just so much to praise God for!

This all was made possible when the girls & I said our 'Yes' to take that leap of faith. It was a leap of faith where I had to totally trust God with blind faith and as well as to totally surrender my everything unto God! I am so glad that I did because I received back in a hundred-fold! We can really never out-do God in generosity! It was also a trip that helped me realise certain desires in my heart that I had chosen to reject for the past 2 years. But through this retreat, God has led me to be more open to plans that I never knew God would consider approving! I have so much to praise God for! There is no amount of praise that would be sufficient to express my deep gratitude & appreciation unto him!

Lord God, I praise & worship from the depths of my heart for all that you have done. The best part is that you love me so much no matter what I do or say! I thank you and praise you for this free gift of your unconditional love unto me! Jesus, you are my heart's desire! Lead me to your will always! I love you Jesus! :)

To all that are reading this post, I just want to tell you that there will be moments each of our lives when we need to take a leap of faith with God! Though there will be many fears in your heart, Jesus invites you to take this leap of faith with him as he holds your hand! He loves you and only has great plans for you because he only wants the best for you. And sometimes, you may not understand the reasons for why God does certain things but he sees the bigger picture and the fat is that we can't see what he sees. But all we can do is to surrender in openness to his will and trust him!

"Put your hand in the hand of the Lord and never let go!"

A Multitude of healing experienced

In each heart, I believe there is always a great level of healing that one desires, whether that heart wishes to let go of his/her own pride to admit this truth. It has been something I've come to a much deeper understanding of. But, a great deal of humility is required for one to embrace & accept that healing is needed. A lack of healing always has very devastating effects deep within one's heart. It becomes amazing that Christianity is one of the very few religions that constantly advocates & promotes the need for healing. But healing is also a very painful process as it brings about very intensed emotions that definitely cause each of us to wonder if the healing process is worth enduring.

Over the past 6 months, I've been in a real search for healing in a particular area of my past. Its been an area of my life that has caused so much hurt deep within my heart. It has basically been the immense hurt I've experienced during my discernment in the past year. This hurt has been so painful that it has also led me to wonder if God really does love me. In many ways, its been a situation that I've never been. The immense hurt was so deep that there was so much fear in my heart to even face it. For the past 6 months, I have just been yearning & desiring to be healed in this area of my life so much. Over time, I've also come to accept the very hard truth that I've been scarred in many ways, due to my major underestimation of the ways of the evil one.

But as God never abandons every single one of his children, God had a plan to bring the very much needed healing into my life at a time that would be perfect. As much as it was such a painful process to wait so long for this healing, it was made perfect when it came and I was able to see that the wait was such an important factor in the entire healing process. Furthermore, the wait was actually part of the healing. The wait was the start of God's healing within me. God always knows best and in this situation, the phrase in the Bible, "God's time is never the same as our time", would serve to be very true.

On that night, I was filled with so much fear deep within my heart as I met with the person I was struggling so much. But beneath the immense fear, there was this very evident fact that I needed to face this area of immense brokenness and allow the Light of Christ to shine and bring truth into this situation. I also was aware that there would never be a better opportunity again. So as I began the conversation, I just abandoned all fear and braced up every ounce of courage to be totally human & extremely vulnerable to her. It was probably the most difficult yet most beautiful conversations I've ever had in my entire life. It was difficult because I'd never ever placed myself in a vulnerable state before. It was also so beautiful because there was an immense level of grace & love within the entire conversation. I really praise God for being ever so present as we exchanged sharings. There was no doubt at all that there was so much healing taking place within both of our hearts. For me, there was so much peace & joy in my heart as it has been a process that I've desired so much for. But there was no better time than that night. In many ways, we both were able to accept & embrace this fact and see how God's work hasn't stopped within each of us, although there were many moments of not feeling his presence.

At the end of our conversation, we made a conscious decision to love & respect each other as brother & sister in the blessed name of Jesus Christ! There also so much hope for each of us, as well as for the friendship we have. Finally, we embraced each other and I believe that we came to fully forgive each other. I praise God for this amazing & beautiful experience of healing that couldn't have taken place without God! I also wanna thank this friend of mine from the very depths of my heart for saying that 'YES' to meet me that night. I wouldn't be in this moment of extreme joy & peace without her. So I thank you, dear!

For all those reading this post, I thank you for constantly being part of this journey I have with Jesus! I thank you for praying for me. But if there is an area of healing that you seek, I pray & encourage you to lift it up to God and surrender your desire unto him. God will answer your plea in his time. God will never abandon you and know that your plea is never left ignored or unheard by God! God loves you so much. Most importantly, I pray with all my heart that you will never neglect or underestimate your need for healing. Its never embarrassing to say that you need healing. Especially in this very fast-paced world, healing is compromised so much. May you always be this living testimony of God's healing love in this world for all to see & believe! God bless your journey!

A time to wait

Waiting seems to be one of the most difficult experiences that we as children of God are called to experience. There are times when we are reminded that our time isn't the same as the time of God! Over time, as we draw closer to heart of God, we come to a deep understanding that on this journey with Jesus, the phase of waiting is very crucial & important in God's work within each of us. But why is waiting so important! It becomes more and more difficult when the other areas in one's life are moving at a very realistic pace! Why is the wait for the areas in one's life that are so important become so long?

In this very moment of my life, things are moving at a very realistic rate. There is so much to praise God for! There is growth is so many areas of my life! The list of the areas of growth seems to be unending! Over the past 2 months, ever since God began his healing, especially healing the scars that developed within my heart from my discernment, there has been an immense amount of lightness & joy within me! My community has been growing so much ever since the YV retreat and God's anointing upon this community is becoming more & more obvious! There is also much growth in my prayer life and also the constant battle against sin. There have also been many relationships with friends that have been renewed, as well as new friendships with different people of God that have been created! There is also so much growth in the district as a very strong wave of God's awakening within each of our hearts seems to be ringing all round! There is just so much to praise God for!

In my journey, God has blest me so much with both a devoted spiritual buddy and also a very amazing man of God that has promised to journey with me and find God's will for me in my life. He has really stretched me in very obvious ways of discovering the person that God has created. He has taught me so many things that I have placed as not important. He has truely been a immense blessing in my walk with Jesus! I really can't thank him & God enough for the amazing growth that has been happening within me! So thank you my dearly loved brother in Christ from Sabah! I will keep praying for you each day!

In the midst of such blessings, in my heart, there is still this very state of not feeling satisfied & contented. Its like the core of my deepest desire still remains to be not fulfilled! Its a deep desire that unites God's love for me and God's vocation for me! But how can this be? My deepest desire has always been God! How can another deepest desire develop and also unify my deep desire for God! Am i just over-exaggerating this desire? But how can I be over-exaggerating this desire when its a desire that becomes magnified each time I enter into prayer with God!

In my heart, I wonder if this deep unified desire will ever be met? Or is this a way that the evil one is subtly using to take me away from God? There lies so many questions deep within my heart! This desire is also one that unifies me with my vocation of Marriage! But beneath these questions, there lies one fact that remains to be extremely evident!

"Trust in me, my Son! I know the plans I have for you! Wait upon me as I mould in the meantime"

This wait is one that is difficult to bear as it is the one area of my life that I struggle to wait upon God! But although I feel this way, I know in my heart that I am still not ready for that next phase of my life. Due to this unreadiness, God wants to mould & refine me for that next phase of life! It is amazing how God seems to be in full control of my life! For me, I am called to place my both feet in this time to wait and be moulded by God! I am called to embrace this time to wait and believe in the fruits that will develop within me from this time to wait! I am called to work together hand-in-hand with God in moulding me into the person he desires me to become! I am called ultimately to trust Jesus in the areas of my life that are the most difficult & painful to trust!

I am not sure where you are in your own phase of life! But know this; Jesus will take as much control in your life as you allow him to be in control of! The journey with Jesus and the call to trust him is never easy but I have seen the fruits first-hand and they truly 'PRICELESS"! There is absolutely no price worthy enough for the fruits that you will bear from your time to wait upon God as he moulds you into the beautiful person that he desires for you to be!

I too am challenged to believe in this message! I pray that we will be reminded of this call into a time to wait! God has the best plans for us. We just need time to believe in it!

Lord Jesus, I struggle to wait upon you especially in this area of my life, coupled with this immense desire! But help dear Lord to believe in this wait you have called upon me to believe in! Help me surrender and trust you! For you alone knows what lies ahead for me!

Praise you O God!

iThirst

There was a revelation phrase that God had revealed to me last year. It's a phrase that I have to come to struggle with over the course of the past few months, especially in the weeks that passed after my discernment had ended! I had questioned & quarreled many times with God over this phrase! There were numerous occasions where I concluded against God to say that this phrase just isn't real, at least in the modern world we live in today! But with each disagreement that I had with God over this, he very silently responded and invited me to wait upon him! He also said many times saying, "My Son, my time and yours are very different! I do not work according to your time. I work according to my time! I see everything in the world, when you only see the world from your point of view! So trust & wait upon me, my Son!" But no matter what was said, I continued to struggle in my life with the scars I received during my discernment!

God revealed,

"There is no blemish in God's plan for you!"

This was the phrase that I struggled with after my discernment had concluded! I felt that there was so much blemish in God's Plan for me! But it was only at my community's retreat last weekend when God had convinced me that this phrase was indeed true! It was really the most complete retreat that I had been through! There was a 3 month anticipation and excitement that God has placed within my heart! It was a very surreal feeling within my heart! It was a feeling that gave me hope for what was to come and in that way, God gave me an immense faith to really believe in what amazing fruits would take place within the community as well as within my heart!

It was a really interesting experience to plan the retreat with the core team! The ideas sprang forth deep within my heart! There were many moments, when I felt like the vision that God had for the YV retreat was just an impossible one! There were many conversations with God when I just cried out to God of how impossible it would be for his vision of the community was! But in all conversations, God just told me to trust that if this vision of his was part of his will, then this vision would happen in his time!

But God didn't leave me empty-handed to get the resources we needed for the YV retreat to be one that would facilitate the vision that God had for this community! God provided everything, especially when I was in dire need of inspiration & ideas during the planning for the retreat! It was quite an exhilarating journey in planning this retreat! God made it so easy for me, but he did require me to do my part as well.

The build-up to the retreat was one that I would call a true rollercoaster of events that transpired! As a community, about 2 months before the retreat, we faced many many difficulties in terms of the many disagreements & conflicts we had between each other! There was such disunity & disharmony within the community! There was an immense lack of love because there was a very real issue that many people within the community were being hurt and there wasn't honesty about the way everyone was getting hurt! For me, it was a very real issue! But as deep as I struggled with how I felt that these struggles were unnecessary, these struggles made our retreat experience a complete. In a very real way, these experiences within the community was God's way of spiritually preparing us for our retreat! After a few weeks of discussing about these issues, we headed to prepare ourselves, as a community for this retreat! For me, God just took control of all our plans!

Now, the retreat was just a complete one! The amazing part of the retreat was that everyone coming for the retreat knew what they were heading into before the retreat had started! Everyone knew that the retreat was one of healing and complete renewal of everyone as a child of God and also as a community of the 'Youth Vineyard'! The spirit during the retreat was just so beautiful as I just felt the Spirit of God taking each session by the way God desired for it to be! Another amazing fact was that God chose people who were completely experienced in ministry and especially people that were really close to the heart of God!

Now here is my experience of the YV retreat! At the start of the retreat, I struggled alot because in my heart I really wanted to receive healing from my immense brokenness! I wanted to be healed and be set free! But i also knew that there were certain things that I needed to do during the retreat that was important for me to take charge of. The reason for that was to actually preserve what God wanted at the retreat! So at the first session done by Cheryl, Jeanette & MSC, I felt that there was this very foreign feeling within the very depths of my heart! I felt like I was in a foreign & totally barren land with God! I didn't understand why God had just taken me out a land that was beautiful and placed me in this barren land instead! But nonetheless, God affirmed me that there was a reason for me to be here in this barren land! The 1st night ended with this state of being in a foreign land!

The next day was a very heavy day but I knew that it was a day of great healing for everyone! In my heart, I wondered whether it would be a time of healing for me too! I knew that it was a deep desire for me to receive healing and that love of Jesus! The 1st half of the day was one where there was a balance of both serving and receiving! Alfred gave a session of 'Intimacy with God'! For me, it was a session to help me identify the giftings that God had blest me with and to also identify the areas in my life where I felt was negative! The day moved on to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, done by Edwyn!

It was only after Edwyn had talked when I received an immense healing from the Cross of Jesus! As soon as we entered reflection & silent time to prepare ourselves for confession, I broke down in the corner of the room! I was left crying for about 25 minutes! In those moments, I struggled with how 'Purity' was only a dream that I could have, but not a reality that could occur in my life! In my heart, I was crying out to God of why I could only desire 'Purity'! But that was as far as it went! It was something I could only desire! At that moment, I struggled to surrender my life to Jesus! I just couldn't accept & embrace that God still chose to use an impure man like me to serve him in his kingdom! I couldn't agree that God still wanted to use me as an instrument of his love unto others! I just couldn't accept this! But God very gently invited me to have faith in him! God gently explained that if there was a deep desire for purity in my heart, then it was because he had placed that desire in my heart and it would just be a matter of time when that desire of 'Purity' within my heart would become a reality! So very slowly, I went before the Cross of Jesus, as a very broken man and surrendered it all unto God! That toke me another 15-20 mins! After that, I made a very good confession! After this session, we had mass celebrated by Fr. John Chua & Fr. Thomas Curran! It was just the perfect way to complete God's healing within me for this area of my life!

The retreat just got better & better! There was just so much more that God had in stored for both the community & me! The next session was done by someone that I look up to alot! Dominic Chan, a man that is holy & god-seeking but also a man that lives out his vocation of Marriage! He gave a session on 'iThirst', where he talked about the very real issue of the world today that constantly draw us further and further away from God and who he desires for each of us to be! For me, I felt so honoured & humbled when he asked me to lead the community into an opening session before he started his session! I remembered so clearly what he said, "You just do your thing, dude!" This was something so simple but yet a phrase that touched me so much! I guess it was just so heart-warming to have someone I look up to so much, to believe in me! Praise God! Anyways, after his session, everyone entered silent time to reflect on their own hunger for God, while I talked with Dom's team about the plans for the night session! As I was talking with them, I just felt that although I wanted to be on the receiving end of the night session, I knew that discussing with Dom's team was something that God wanted me to do in sacrifice for a beautiful experience of God's healing & love that the entire community would receive at the night session! So after setting up everything for the night session, I prayed together with the team! In those moments of praying with them, I was in such awe of the people of God that I was in the presence of! I just praised God for blessing YV at our retreat with these beautiful people of God! As the session started, there was just an immense anointing over the entire room! During worship, I was clicking the slides and for the 1st time, I was doing something different & new but yet worshipping the same Lord Jesus! It was simply amazing! During the praying-over, I helped Martin Fernandez to support him as he prayed-over! In the room, I was just amazed at the healing that was taking place! After everyone was prayed-over, I went to Dom & Charles to ask them to pray over me! I started by sharing my struggles and then, I asked something of God that I had asked 4 years ago, at the very 1st yv retreat!

I challenged God to make his will take place in my life!

As they were praying over me, I realised something. During God's healing of me during the Sacrament of Reconciliation session, God took away my broken & wounded heart and replaced it with a hollow heart! God had to totally empty me! So as they were praying over me, God started placing his love & the gift of faith within my heart! He was filling that hollow heart with himself! He was filling my heart with the gifts of faith, wisdom & love that I needed for the journey that lay ahead for me! After they prayed over me, I just so much at peace and in union with Jesus! The session ended with silent adoration and then a beautiful time of a 'Victory praise' unto God! The night ended with a very beautiful time of sharing with my sharing group! It was just best way to end a very beautiful day!

Now, anyone will probably presume that since God had healed me so much at the retreat, the 3rd & final day of the YV retreat would be one where God would just use me to serve him! But as the saying goes, "we can never outdo God in generosity"! This saying is so true as the 3rd day of the yv retreat begins! As we headed to St. Ignatius Church for mass, we were all late and I was part of the last group that went to the church for mass! But although I was late, God continued to do what he had planned to tell me at mass!

During the readings of mass, Jesus spoke,

"I thirst!"

At first, when I heard this revelation, I instantly thought that since I am a huge admirer of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, it was just my imagination! So i told Jesus to intensify this revelation during mass, since the mass is where Jesus is most present! As soon as I said that to Jesus, the revelation intensified like never before in my heart. Jesus kept saying, "I thirst!" Soon, Jesus gave me a small feeling of the sorrow he felt in his heart! This was a sorrow of how Jesus felt when he saw each one of his children suffering from a lack of love in their own lives! It was then that I knew that this revelation was for me and that Jesus was blessing me with this deep & intimate sharing between us! At one point in our conversation, Jesus said, "My Son, I thirst for my Singapore youth! I thirst for their presence! Tell them to surrender their lives unto me so that they can be loved as they should, only then can they will live happily! Tell them to surrender their lives unto me, my Son!" As Jesus' thirst was immensely present in my heart, tears rolled down from my eyes and my heart cried out for him as I experienced the sorrow of Jesus!

After mass ended, we headed back to FMM retreat house to continue the retreat! After breakfast, Joshua gave us a session on 'Community building'. After he spoke for about 80 mins, he led us into a time of 'Community Reconciliation', through the act of washing each other's feet! This was yet another time of immense healing for me! For the longest time, maybe about 10 months, a fellow community member & I have been struggling with each other, although its a fact that has been known only within the 2 of our hearts! As much as we desired to reconcile with each other for the longest time, there was never an opportunity to reconcile in the way that God desired for it to be! For the both of us, this relationship between each other has caused the both of us to not be as real as we would like to be with each other and has also caused the both of us to have alot of brokenness! And it had been a few months already, when it was a session where I knew was just the perfect chance to reconcile with her. But when the reflection came, in my heart, I just struggled so much to forgive her. In my mind, I knew that I wanted to both seek forgiveness from her and also give forgiveness to her! I couldn't understand why I was feeling this immense difficulty to forgive, ut I knew that I was feeling that way in my heart. So as she was reconciling with someone else, I talked to 2 of my very trusted & close community members and after speaking to them for about 2 mins, they decided to just pray for me. After they concluded in prayer, she approached me to wash my feet & seek forgiveness!

And through our whole process of reconciling with each other, I really struggled so much like never before to forgive her. Jesus then spoke to me, "My Son, she is bondage and you have a chance to release her from that bondage by granting her forgiveness!" It took me awhile to forgive her but it was completely the Grace & Love of God that helped me to forgive me! In the end, it was a beautiful visual display of God's love!

Other than the love & grace of god, it was a phrase that was said to me by one of 2 very trusted & close community members taht prayed for me that made a huge difference that helped me forgive her! She said, "Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is an act! It was the final piece of healing that God needed to heal me of during this yv retreat! So I really thank that person for those words!

The retreat ended with the final session! I gave a 20 min sharing on what Jesus had shared with me at Mass earlier that morning, on the immense thirst of Jesus for each of us! The Holy Spirit then prompted me to get each of them to make a commitment to God! This commitment was to basically set time aside in their week/day for Jesus, depending on the busyness of their schedules and their spiritual needs. After they had thought of that, they came before the Cross of Jesusu to make that commitment to God! After that, we ended the retreat with the most amazing worship that I had ever experienced in my 8 years of being in ministry! Although it was a worship that I led, I would have to say without a an ounce of doubt in my heart, that there was only 1 worship leader, it was the Holy Spirit! The worship lasted 1hr 30mins, where we also prayed-over a community member that was only able to make it on the last day of the retreat! And yes, there was so much healing in everyone again! For me, it was a a time of worship that I just had so much fun and experienced so much joy as I witnessed God's healing & complete love being manifested during the worship. For me, in my own personal testimony of all that God had done for me at this YV retreat, it was just the perfect way to ensure this concrete testimony of God's healing & transformation within me! It was just the perfect end to the retreat that was just so amazing! It was a retreat where the vision of God had become a reality!

There is so much to praise god for! I wanna thank;

1) MSC: For very openly being available for us at the retreat! I thank you all for helping us things that some may see as so small but I see as so important! Thank you so much especially for leading us in our opening session & the 2 worships! Love you all very much! Really appreciate your efforts & love!

2) Alfred: For the session on 'intimacy with god'! Thank you for your very personal & intimate sharings!

3) Edwyn & Karen: Thank you both for giving us the session on the Sacrament of Reconciliation! I just want you'll to know how thankful I am to you both for putting time aside to give us that session although you'll have so many other commitments!

4) Joshua: Thank you so much brother! Your sharings & insights on community really helped us! You are just a gift from God unto each of us!

5) Dominic & team : I just cannot thank you all enough! Your team has been so pivotal in for a true God experience for each of us! We are so blest to have had you'll give us our night session! I personally thank God for all your guidance unto me! You'll inspire me everyday to be that light & love of Christ! Thank you once again!

6) Jeanette : Our very lovely adult advisor! You are a true reflection of God's faithfulness unto his people! Thank you for believing in each of us! I praise god for having you guide us and especially sticking with us all the way!

7) To all priests and all those who have helped us! Praise God for you!

I just give you all my praise O beautiful Lord Jesus! I feel so honoured to be in this community! I feel even more honoured to be called a Son of yours! I love you my jesus! I pray that I will forever treasure this YV retreat 2011!

Love you all, Youth Vineyard!

A call to Fall

This may actually be a call that may be sound so weird to many people. We very often talk about the call to rise above who we think we are into the person that God calls us to be! In times of temptation with sin, we struggle with whether or not we are actually able to believe in what God is trying to do within each of us in the long term. We struggle because we have a very strong human tendency to pave the way that we think would be better. This can become so strong and eventually become a temptation that can be too hard to turn away from. It can also develop into something that is so strong that we fail to even realise that we have such a problem. I think that this is because of pride. Our pride grows each time we fail to come before the very feet of Jesus to surrender our everything unto his hands!

For me, this is what had happened to me. The only question is to what extent it had become. I realise only now that over the course of December, there was a call for me to fall. It means that it was a process where God had to strip me off everything that I had considered mine, whether realised or unrealised. I was in a pit so deep that I couldn't even identify it. I had a pride so big that I became my biggest obstacle for Jesus to take full control of my life. But even in such a situation, God would never at all give up on me. To God, I was too precious to be allowed to just waste all that he has blest me with in my life. And that's why he sent me someone, after a very long wait to explain where I had gone wrong in my discernment!

In my discernment, my love for Jesus became divided. Although there was an immense amount of growth through the great increase in prayer, this was a fact that I was totally blinded from. It was a fact that my very love for Jesus became divided. It meant that in a very unconscious way, the evil one was able to slowly take me away from Jesus or at least ensure that my love for Jesus wasn't undivided! In this process, God allowed this to happen because he knew I would become so much stronger. But the price for such strength to be attained would be a very painful phase where I would fall into temptation.

It was also through this process where God wanted to strip me off everything I had, to purify me even further! This is exactly what happened. In the month of December, I fell so badly. But it was a process that God wanted me to go through because it would serve to be a period of healing from my many excruciating experiences & feelings that continued to linger deep within me even after my discernment had ended. It was a deep scar deep within my heart! And even though I know that I might be able to lead someone else who had the same problem as me, back to God, I knew that there was nothing within me that could help my cause. The only thing I could do was to wait upon God as he prepared for my healing!

God did that exactly! What a joy it was when God did it also! It became even better when God used one of his beloved sons to explain everything to me. At that very moment on Saturday, everything started to make sense! It was only after this call to fall so terribly when it made sense! The discernment served to be a process to make me learn from my mistakes and become even better, wiser and much closer to the person that God desires for me to become eventually!

Sometimes, we don't understand why we go through certain experiences with God in life, especially when we actually are seeking God! But God loves each of us more than anything else in the world and he knows what lies ahead for you! God wants to give each of us certain strengths that require us to go through certain excruciating experiences, so that we will become better! Hence it is our call to trust him and surrender, even when it doesn't make any sense at all! This is the only way to denounce ourselves to pick up our crosses! This is the only way to denounce our pride and be moulded by the humility of God!