Oneness with God

How can we ever underestimate this amazing God? This beautiful God is one that is full of surprises and one is just so intensely & amazingly in love who each of us. Today was a really beautiful for me as God surprised me in ways that has really surpassed my expectations. Today was a Day of a true witnessing of Pure Love! I was really in such awe, especially when God spoke out unto me,

"Today is a day that I have been prepared for you for a very long time! It is a day for me to renew you!"

This day started with the beautiful Sacrament of Matrimony between Iggy & Josie, who are 2 very good friends of mine. It was just so amazing as these were 2 people that desired for nothing else but Jesus! They are people that just radiate that love for Jesus that they have so much in their hearts. And for God to bring them together in Marriage is just a great testimony of the kind of plans that he has for each one of us if we only trust God! At the mass, I really experience the true purity of Love! I experienced so much of God at the mass that I felt that it was unfair for me to receive so much goodness!

The day got even better as I met another very close friend of mine that I haven't seen in a very long time and it was just so good to talk to her. It was none other that Elaine. I really wanna affirm Iwan & her for the very courageous & beautiful testimony that they shared at the AYD rally.

The day slowly got much better as God slowly shifted the focus of him in an even more direct way. It was actually during the ending worship for the Parish segment at SFX. It was during this moment when God spoke out to me and invited me to surrender a part of me that I'd been holding onto ever since my discernment ended. That part was my fear of who God had prepared for me in marriage. But God just called out to me and really explained also how this fear was the cause of many of my falls of late. This fear was the root cause of my failings & shortcomings. But I surrendered it as well as every part of me that was in the safe hands of Jesus! So I surrendered my all to Jesus! "Do as you will, My Lord" I said.

As always, the best is always reserved for the last! The AYD rally for me was one of the best youth rallies that I've ever participated! It was especially spectacular for me as the theme of the rally was on Purity! I guess that the rally made a huge impact for me because I came to witness whatever God had prepared for me and also that I came into the rally without any expectations. Well actually the only expectation was to receive Jesus in the way he had prepared for me to receive him. During the worship, there were many visions I had of me just standing before God in the heavens just singing praise unto God! For me, the rally just re-established the oneness God had with me! The rally just renewed the very fact that I am a child of God that is perfect in the eyes of the Holy One and also that I just immensely love by God. For me, the rally was just a time spent with God in heaven! There was just so much joy in my heart over the fact of this oneness with God!

My life belongs to you alone my Lord! My life doesn't even belong to me! It belongs to you, my Jesus! I really surrender my all unto you, even the areas of my life where I am not even aware that I have surrendered unto you. I just so madly in love you, my Jesus! And i just wanna be that living sacrifice for your great glory and honour! Please my lord, use me in whatever you call me to and in wherever you call me to! Let not even my limitations be an obstacle for you, my Jesus! You are my only way! Lord Jesus, I want to commit unto you to be pure & holy for you and also for the one that you continue to prepare for me! I pray too that you will lead her to green pastures! Lord Jesus, may I fall into even greater love with you and never ever stop falling deeper in Love with you! Increase my deep desire for you! Lead me to be a testimony for you to tell everyone that pure & perfect love does exist, as long as it is always rooted in you!

Use me, my Lord! Lead me more and more to your love & holiness! Continue to make me one with you!

Affirmations:

A great affirmation to both Josie & Iggy! May God bless your journey of Marriage ahead! Continue to be this amazing reflection of God's true & pure love for the world to see!

Another affirmation to both Iwan & Elaine for the most beautiful sharing I have ever heard! It was just so touching for me! You'll show to this world that forgiveness is possible if it is rooted in Christ! Great things only await you both!

Finally, an amazing affirmation to the Music team for the AYD rally! For me, you'll were just so so amazing! I would say that its been the best music team that I've ever heard play before! A true testimony of God presence in each of you! God is so proud of each of you! Praise God for offering yourself unto God!

A new chapter

Today is the start of a new chapter. As it becomes the start of something new, it also marks the end of an experience that I've really come to treasure close to my heart. New chapters never fail to bring about an experience of both sides of the coin. It is always accompanied with both the negative & positive effects as new chapters to evolve in one's life. New chapters bring about both the excitement of what is to come but yet also accompanied with the memories of the past. The very thought that wanders as always, would be if what is to come in the future could ever meet the standards of the past. New chapters can bring about regret or absolute joy, but it really all depends on how we choose to look at it.

Yes, today marks the end to my 2-year long discernment. Its been really discernment for me. The very important point to take note is that when I say that the discernment has been amazing, I'm not saying that the discernment has been a sweet & rosy one. For those who know about my discernment would actually know what a painful experience its been for me. As I take a look at the past 2 years, I see how close Jesus has been to me. Jesus has really walked with me every step of the way, through the excruciating pain I felt in my heart and the countless times of silence I experienced from God and also the many times of joy that gave me reason to carry on. For me, this discernment has really helped me accelerate in my growth with God as well as a person. It has really helped me mature and understand the ways of God & the world too. It has surely the magnanimious difference between our beautiful God and this world. I will say that this has definitely made me much wiser. This discernment has especially brought me to great lengths. There are many times when those lengths were absolutely beyond me. But in those experiences, I was taught to learn what it truely meant to cling unto God with all I had. In very little ways, I experienced a small fraction of what Jesus had to endure on his road to Calvary, as I learnt to suffer for Jesus. There were many moments in the discernment that have been excruciating for me, especially when I had to refrain from telling the truth to certain people. And to all those people, I sincerely apologise for all those times. I really did all those acts in love for you because my heart broke so much to refrain from telling you the truth. I hope you forgive & understand me.

But all in all, there is just so much to praise God for this discernment. This experience is definitely one that I would never want to forget or ever regret. The outcome of this discernment is that I have discovered God's way of life for me, for I am called to the Vocation of Marriage. I do understand why God has called me to this way of life too as God gave me certain intense desires in my heart for the vocation of marriage. But I would that what i learnt the most was FAITH. Its a faith that knows no boundaries. A faith is rooted so deeply in the love of God.

This closure paves the way for another part of my Journey with Jesus to unfold. I'm as unaware as you are about the next part of my journey. This new chapter is one that requires much faith in God's plans for me. For me, today has been a day that has challenged me to move forward into this new chapter and to not keep dwelling on the experiences of the last chapter. In the course of today, I have struggled alot. But there is amazing evident invitation from God that moving into this new chapter is his desire & will for me. I praise God that he has made it clear unto me today!

As I wait upon the Lord, I place my entire life into his hands. For I know and am absolutely 100% sure that I'm just madly & insanely in love with Jesus. I would do anything & everything for this man of Jesus! For he is the only reason I live for and the only one I praise for the person I've become today. At the moment, I really don't know which girl he has set out for me, but I do know that God has taken care of that. So I surrender my worries about that into your hands, my Lord!

For those reading this post, I sincerely pray that you will place your life in the safe hands of Jesus. He loves you so much and will only do what he feels best for you. For Jesus, only the best to his standards will do for you. So take time out of your busy schedules and invest your time in God. He will lead you to trust in him and always be wary of the evil one preying on you always. Yet again, my best advice is to follow your heart. And if you are able to face God face-to-face and not feel embaressed about yourself as you speak to God, then you're on the right path. If not, then take time and let God change your life. For there is no situation/problem that is too big for God!

Praise you, O Jesus!

PS: Estelle, I had a beautiful day with you today! I didn't forget that! :)))

Truths within the heart

There are certain truths within each of our hearts that remains with us for the longest time, even when we choose to make a conscious effort to erase those truths. But even with the greatest efforts, these truths still remain within our hearts. For many of us, these truths even go to the extend of building up foundations within our hearts too. It becomes so difficult when we see how these truths, accompanied with its foundations, start to weigh us down so much. Majority of the time, these truths have a direct relation to Love. These truths of Love sometimes never cease to exist due to the amount of effort we had once put in. For many of us, its a case where we had fallen head over heels for a particular someone in our lives, but of course, not all truths within our hearts are about that.

Over the past 10 weeks, ever since starting my NS at the Police Force, there have been 3 truths that have seemed to withstand and fight off the many influences & temptations of current state of my life in NS. For me, these truths always seem to be standing so strong, even when I feel distant from God. And I guess in many ways, its been these truths within my heart that has really helped me be convinced that God's hand continues to be working within me.

The 1st truth has been none other than this undeniable love for God that has stood to be ever so radiant in my heart. There has truely been so many times when my Love for God has been put to the test, especially in times when my many human temptations to be un-Christ-like almost got the better of me. The 2nd truth has been this intense desire in my heart to do God's holy will. This truth has been intensified to a very extreme extent where it sometimes even feel foreign as I am unable to comprehend why & how I have reached this state where I desire nothing else but God's holy will for me! I guess this desire is one of the fruits of my discernment. The 3rd truth is one that has really led to a mixture of emotions as there have been emotions of anger, resentment, joy, peace, love and so much more. This truth is directly related to my discernment and its what I call a 'rollercoaster truth'. Its a truth that has also left me wondering if its from God. But with each time I ask myself if its from God, I come to experience how strong this truth is. Its also a truth of which hasn't ceased to exist too, despite my numerous efforts to erase it. In faith, I claim this truth to be from God, due to the strength of this truth.

As I was reflecting about these 3 truths in the adoration room yesterday, I entered into a state of awe over how strong these truths remain to be. Over the reflection, I was led to both embrace & accept all 3 truths. For me, the only truth that I still struggle to embrace the most is the 3rd truth as it brings about alot of confusion. But deep within my heart, I am certain that God invites & challenges me to really embrace this truth. To a great extent, maybe this truth has stood off many influences & temptations for a reason and maybe there is an even greater reason for this truth to still remain there in my heart. As I continue to move forward in my search for God's will in my life, I find myself surrendering more and more of myself unto thy loving hands of God.

In conclusion, Truths that continue to stand strong in each of our hearts, amidst all the distractions & temptations, deserve to be looked upon and also invested. So if there are truths in your heart, especially about the past, that continue to remain despite your many efforts to erase it, take time to embrace those truths. It may be like in the case of as my 3rd truth, maybe God needs those truths to exist in your heart for you to be led to his plan & will for you.

Praise God!

The happenings

There has been a recent realization that I've come to notice about myself over the past few weeks whenever I come out on the weekends. There just seems to be this incredibly immense & deep hunger to satisfy the love that my heart desires. Its also quite beautiful because for the first time in my life, there is a time limit for me to attend to these desires. During the weekends, my heart just cries out from the very moment I reach home. As I had time to reflect, another factor that has contributed to this immense hunger has been my discernment. And every time that I've made the effort to allow this desire to be met, there is an incredible explosion of joy deep within me. It feels like a meeting between my heart & Jesus himself.

And over the past few weeks, at least ever since I started my NS, the desire to experience God within me becomes magnified. I guess its become very interesting also for me, as my discernment reaches its 'crunch time'. My discernment is coming to an end when this year comes to a close. As that time draws nearer, there are alot of mixed emotions deep within me. There are emotions of intense excitement and on the other end, there are emotions of wondering if this is God's direction for me. And I guess this has been part of the reason for this immense hunger for this unconditional love of Jesus. As time passes on, there is this calling from God unto me to trust him no matter whatever his plan for me may be.

Just last sunday, I struggled with what was God's direction for me. There were so many questions in my heart. This became too overwhelming for me and I just went up to a very wise man of God, Brian Butler who was giving a whole of sessions for the AYD briefing. And as I spoke to him, he left me with these words,

"Jesus' love for each of us is always constant & unchanging. But his plan for us may change from time to time. Jesus has to bring us through certain paths in our lives, so that we will learn more & more about ourselves and his plan for us. We are all called to always allow Jesus to drive the car of our lives, without giving him directions as to where we are to go. We are called to just trust in him!"

And with these words, I was left in so much comfort. But as I move closer towards the end of my discernment, God is doing things very subtly through dreams, visions and also prophesies from those who pray over me. In my heart, I praise God for how interesting & dynamic of a life he has blest me with. I praise God for this calling to live a life of holiness.

Lord Jesus, I delight at how you have made me to be. I pray Lord that you will take my hand and hold it tightly as I come close to the end of this year-long discernment. In my heart, my Lord Jesus, I desire to do nothing else except your holy will. I know that your will is the best for me!

For I am the handmaid of the Lord, May it be done unto me according to thy word!

Reflection of the weekend: Cast aside all details of what is to happen. Just trust in me. All I want is you to trust me with your life!

The lingering reflection

In the last 3 years of walking with Jesus with this immense level of intimacy, from time to time, I would have to say that there have been very few people that I have come encounter in my life that has been given the title of 'Blessedness'. In their very nature, there is nothing very fantastic about these people as individuals. But when the very essence of this beautiful Jesus comes into contact with these individuals, they become an icon for Jesus. They rise to such great heights that people who have come to experience their presence would just be in total awe. And when others who truely seek the will of God in their lives, come into contact with these individual, they just know that God has set apart these individuals for a very great reason. They just know that there is something very very special about these individuals.

Now these individuals haven't done anything to deserve such a calling to greatness. But rather, it is this amazing God that has called and chosen them to be set apart for him. These individuals are set apart for a reason that is not of this world, but rather they are set apart to bring change into this world. But one fact about these individuals is that they experience God at a level that is so immense that it becomes so revelational for them. But the twist is that this immense 'greatness' given unto them by God will be stripped away from them the moment they decide to not walk the path God has set before them. But the call of God is for these individuals to trust their entire lives in the hands of God and know that God is the one that will plan everything for them. The very interesting fact is that these individuals are only great because of Jesus! For without Jesus, they are absolutely nothing!

And for me, in the last 3 years of my life, I have seen a few of such individuals. And each time I come into contact with them, I live in that immense awe of how beautiful god is. For me, their entire being exclaims the beauty of God. I believe that God set them apart so that the world will see who God really is and know that God does exist. And of the many such individuals I've experienced, it becomes a very sad truth that some of them leave due to the intensity of God that they experience. But there have been some that walk the journey all the way and they showcase the very beauty of God through the lives that God has planned out for them. These unique people that have been set apart by God struggle with this constant dichotomy of which live to lead. There is a choice of a difficult path with God, filled with great levels of intensity and the other path which is much less in terms of intensity with God! The very question that runs through their minds always, is whether its going to be worth it.

And over the past 3 weeks, in the midst of serving my National Service, this has been the very question that's been running through my mind, "Is it worth fighting for?" For me, its coming very near to a stage where a decision has to be made. I know that within me, God has definitely set me apart for him. But I am not sure if I fall into the category of one of those individuals that I talked about earlier. Anyway its not really important if I fall into that category.

Each time, I pray in the morning and night, I am reminded of this call to not give in to the temptations of this world. But in my mind, this question never leaves. At this juncture of my life, I stand desiring for God more than ever. But there is this very evident tussle over me between world and God. The temptation of the world is to walk the path of God still, but not in the way that God has created me to be. On the other side, the call of God is a difficult one and I'm absolutely sure that its a path I will definitely choose over anything else. And in my heart this call is extremely evident each time I pray, but in my mind the other call of the world is evident.

Now the struggle is whether this call within my heart absolutely from God. And yes, this has everything to do with my discernment. This is intensified with the very fact that it is soon coming to an end and a decision must be made soon. But in the meantime, I stand here leaning towards this call of God. I know that God will be standing right beside me in this decision, especially if its a decision that he desires for me to fulfill. There lies deep within me alot of fear as to whether this call is from him. But with each time I ask for proof, there lies 7 months worth of proof that this is from God. And the very essence of God is found in the very reality of how much growth there has been.

Lord Jesus, I am awe of how much you have set me apart. And I praise for this wonder within me. Lord Jesus, lead me to do your will. May I be that extraordinary man for you. May I be courageous to do your will & desire for me, no matter what it is and what it takes! Take all of me, for I am absolutely nothing without you!

Dependence on God

There have been many emotions within me throughout the process of my 1st week at the Police Force serving my NS. In the week, I had to go through alot of physical training, marching, alot of yelling from the instructors and ect. But in just so many ways, I feel so blest. Through each day, there was constantly this immense grace within the very depths of my heart to be totally dependent on my Mighty Lord Jesus.

On the very 1st day, quite amazingly, I was a little traumatized. It was really a culture shock for me, as I witnessed how human beings were degraded to an extremely low level. But throughout that day, God reveal in the midst of the intensity of everything about how there are so many people in the world that could only learn in a tough way like this. In the midst of my many struggles in understanding the reasons for the way the instructors used to speak to the trainees, God slowly revealed to me the reasons. Through each revelation from, it slowly became much better for me.

Quite incredibly, I actually slowly embraced the very essence of the yelling form the instructors. This process of embracing it, led me to really give the respect that the instructors truely deserved. The revelation that actually helped the most was when God said, "My son, they deserve your respect. After all, each one of them had gone through the exact same thing that you are going through at this moment!" From that instant of that revelation, with the pure grace of God, I just embraced the whole process of National Service. This is a grace that is totally from God and really nothing of me. For me, its really a testimony that when we desire to be dependent on God, everything is made to become so much easier & bearable.

Now, the blessings from God have been countless. I just have so much to praise God! I start off by really being thankful that my brother, James is so well known in the Police Force. In the simplest ways, that has been a blessing for me. Then comes the numerous times where I really couldn't endure the Physical training, but at every moment of such struggles, there is this amazingly distinct voice within my heart constantly cheering me on to not give up. Another very surprising blessing is how the grace of God had really led me to see God in each one of his creations, no matter what race or religion they may be, especially the muslims. It may be a sharing that many may dispute and disagree but I see so much of Jesus in them, especially our muslim brothers. For me, I have come to that understanding that none of us are perfect but there is always that essence of God in each of us because he created each of us. And when we make that effort to look beyond the faults of anyone (no matter what race or religion they may be), the grace of God to love them as a fellow creation of God is made easier and much more enjoyable.

At the moment, there seems to be alot of goodness from my NS experience. My prayer is that I continue to be totally dependent on God because I am just totally convince that it has been God that has carried me through and I know that it is that same God that will continue to carry me through this ongoing experience. At the moment, I will admit that although my life is very different, I am enjoy every second of it. I see that this process accompanied with the many challenges can only make me a better person.

With regards to my discernment, I still continue to listen to that very gentle voice of God as he leads me through this process. I also remember how the intense thoughts of the discernment were brought to light in my heart on my way walking home yesterday. At moment, I feel excited at where my whole life is headed because there is this very evident call to higher level of greatness from God. And that just brings about alot of excitement & joy. In many ways, the many tests of perseverance for my discernment in the earlier months, has made the process of NS alot easier. Thank you to everyone of your countless prayers too! I am so appreciative of it!

So Lord Jesus, I just praise you with all I have for the uncountless blessings you continue to pour out in my life. You alone deserve all praise. I am absolutely nothing without you. For you alone suffice.

Preparation takes you only so far, after that you have got to take a leap of faith!

New Phase begins

Well today morning, I embark on this new phase of life as I begin my National Service (NS) at the Police Force. For many others, this would be a moment of the floodgates of struggles to start pouring out. But for me, at least for now, there is the immense excitement. The excitement lies in the very essence of the fact that here lies a huge challenge for me to really see God in the activities and the various kinds of people.

I know that alot awaits me and many people are worried for me. And I am hoping that I will be able to still have this sort of attitude throughout this next 2 years. And only time will tell. But on a brighter note, there is just so much to praise god for! I start by praising God for paving the way for me to serve at the Police force. And next, I really praise god for how blest I have been in just so many ways. And finally, I am just so touched & thankful for how many farewells I have had. And if I forgot to tell each one of you, I love you so much and feel so blest to have you as a friend.

But all in all, I see this phase as God's way of making me even better. But the biggest fear I have is with regards to my discernment. But I am sure that God will take care of everything. So please keep me in your prayers as I do the same for you!

Praise God and God Bless!

Choosing Heaven's ways

Over the past few weeks, there has been this extremely real temptation of choosing the ways & tactics of the world. But I am so thankful that God gave me the strength & grace to choose the ways of heaven instead. And this temptation of choosing the ways of the world continues to exist within me but thank God it still remains to be a temptation. And for weeks, I had been struggling so much with this, and in so many ways, I just needed a reason to believe in 'Choosing Heaven's ways'. Although there was very little reason, I still continued to choose heaven's ways instead. But as usual, God has always got his ways to ensure that our efforts in creating a spark would surely become a fire. That small little spark has led to a very strong & intense fire that lies within me to choose heaven's ways now. Like many others, it was at the SFX youth night that was actually that opportunity for God to make my spark become a fire. And it was just so beautiful to me. It was in the smallest ways that allowed this to happen.

For me, the play really spoke to me as the message was about rejecting the ways of the world and choosing God as our ultimate foundation. But the climax point where God took total control of me was during the Eucharistic Adoration & the Final Worship. It was yet another moment of intimacy between God & I, where he just kept urging and encouraging me to continue in this discernment, no matter what happens. And in that very moment, I broke down in tears, due to how God had just met me at where I was. And it was a moment of true intimacy with my Lord Jesus. It was made even more special because of the intensity of emotions & experiences I have been going through. But in all things, my joy just came from the very fact that my sweet Lord Jesus had spoke to me. In simple words, he anointed my faithfulness to him & this discernment by making my spark in a beautiful fire.

Although there seems to be so much struggle in this discernment, I absolutely can't ignore the numerous amount of fruits that has been so evidently present, especially in this year of 2010. There has been just the right amount of reasons for me to continue moving forward in the discernment. And with every hurdle/struggle and reason to stop, there is a bigger reason to continue. There has always been a reason to continue. And one of the biggest fruits is how I have definitely been getting so much stronger throughout the course of this discernment.

And I think that so many of us have a very big misconception that the ways of heaven is happiness all the way. But for me, the ways of heaven is a tougher road, but its surely a more fulfilling road, without a doubt. Its a road that makes you so much stronger and a road that is definitely so much more exciting. Day after day, as I tell people of the experiences of God in my life, I always find them so intrigued at how exciting it all is. And for me, its a path I will always choose over anything/anyone else. Its a path worth taking. Its a path of 'Choosing Heaven's ways'!

My prayer is that, as you read this post, "Give God a chance to make your life extraordinary. Let God show you what you are truely worth because you have no idea how much you are worth to GOD. You are priceless! So give God a chance to make your entire life something worth living for. Start by giving a part of your life to him, but slowly give him everything. Let God make all your decisions. I stand here as a living testimony that God is the best one to make all your decisions, no matter how small or big a decision it may be! Just take a chance with God and choose Heaven's ways!"

Am I doing your will?

This has the very same question that I've been asking God of late. There just seems to be so much goodness happening over the past month, with the Confirmation Camp & Altar Servers retreat. There constantly seems to be this extremely evident truth where God just uses me in ways that I, myself am totally amazed by.

Over the past 2 1/4 months, there seems to be so much anguish & pain in my heart. And the source of that immense pain comes from the very real truth of how much I miss Jesus. In my heart, there seems to be absolutely no sight of his face. There only seems to be a very real evidence of his work through me. Its like the very essence of Jesus is only heard of, when I pray-over people and also when i see & hear of testimonies & sharings of God's love within them. But at the very depths of my heart, there seems to be no sight & feel of Jesus there.

At the recent Confirmation Camp, which took place about 3 weeks ago, I was given the very humbling role of the Intercessory IC. And it was a role that I really struggled with because I knew in my heart that I wanted to do something more. But nonetheless, I knew that this was where God wanted & needed me to be, so I prayed for the grace to be humble and embrace this role. And I hope I have passed this test of Humility in the standards of God. Over the course of the camp, there were alot of emotions deep within me. And everything was really a test of how much I believed in God and not so much in the feelings.

This camp also was a time where God affirmed my gift of the 'Word of Wisdom'. As I was in the praying team for Group 11, I just felt so not prepared to be even part of the team. But the team wanted me to lead in the praying-over. And it was an even greater struggle to also lead the service team in a time of spiritual preparation for the night's praying-over session. This was a really difficult struggle because there was alot that had happened to me during the Reconciliation Session, which was the session before the night's praying-over session. For me, this role was really God's chance unto me to be humble. It was at the end of this session where I had broken down into tears like never before in my entire life. It all started when I entered the session room and just gazed at the cross of Jesus. The very real fact of how much I missed Jesus in my heart became so immense. .And this fact was also contributed by how my discernment had taken so much out of me. Soon tears flowed like never before and then, I decided to speak to a priest about this. And even as I spoke to him about it, I had trouble finishing my sentences because I was crying so terribly. But the advice he gave me was to keep serving God with all my heart and the other part of his advice was to keep staying close to Jesus. And after this emotional experience, came the spiritual preparation which I was leading. It was a great struggle because I had so much difficulty to stop the tears from flowing and so much struggle in control the emotions. But God had instill a great sense of faith I guess, which really sustained me for the Spiritual Preparation and the night's praying-over session. At the night session, while the praying-over, God had used my gift of Wisdom in a way I had never experienced before. And as I prayed over each youth, I knew the exact struggles of each one and also the instructions to be given to the Facilitators, of course they were all revealed by God. But it was after that night, when I finally embrace the gift of Wisdom that God had blest me with. It was also that night, where the fruits of my discernment had been poured out.

The way God used me continued at the Altar servers retreat too. God used me in so many ways to reach out to these very adorable young boys. It was so amazing to just see how these young boys came up to me one at a time on the 1st night's ministering session to be prayed with. It really showed unto me who God had made me to be. It was also very touching to see a whole room of about 70 young boys crying. For me, it was evidence that there would never be a barrier too big for God. It was at this retreat, when God underlined my value. God showed me that he would conquer any hurdles, only if we believe and trust. This retreat was just so fun for me.

At the end of this, there lies evidence of God's work through me still. But there is still no sight of Jesus. But what do I take to believe? There is so much evidence that God still works through me. But there is so much despair, anguish & pain within my pain from how much I miss Jesus and also the intensities of this Discernment. While this Discernment has brought so much fruits, it also brings about so much pain. My heart only desires to do God's will for me. But there is also this immense longing from the heart of God for me to continue in this Discernment.

I have struggled to embrace the ongoing intensities of this Discernment, which has really led me to run away from it for quite awhile. But there is this desire to return to face the intensities and also embrace them like the way Jesus embraced the intensity of his Cross!

Lord, my soul pines for you so much. My heart longs for your love like never before. There are so many emotions within me. But my Lord, if this is the way that I will have to take to attain your will & love, then let this continue. But grant me your grace to face & embrace all of it. I pray that you remove anything that is not of you in my heart. Though there is so much pain & anguish in my heart, my Lord, but my desire for you is even greater. And may my very small suffering bring joy to Jesus. I will love you my Jesus forever. This pain has made me love you with a greater depth. Praise you Jesus!

A true test of Faith

This present experience of my ongoing discernment is one of a true test of Faith! Its one where the requirement of keeping myself spiritually fit is a must. It has become a must because the level of intensity that I'm facing now is so great that it could shatter me. Its an intensity that could either make or break me. And over the duration of this discernment, as much as I wonder & doubt whether this is truely God's plan for me, I have come to see the true power of God in my Life. I've come to experience a level of intensity within my heart that can become so excruciatingly painful in my heart, yet also have a union with God in the midst of that excruciating pain.

In the past, I have seen how much God has changed my life. But has only been in this discernment when I've seen how powerful God is when he works in the very small details in my life. And the largest area of Growth I have come to see in myself has been how the Fruits of the Holy Spirit has been even more evident in my life. And another area of extreme growth has been my ultimate Desire to do the Will of God.

There was a saying by this Redemptorist Priest, Fr. Bill Heng, of which I will never forget.

"If you cannot find anything worth dying for, then you will never find anything worth living for!"

And through the course of this Discernment, this is what I have come to find. All praise unto God yet again because he had initiated this process and made everything possible. My part was to just embrace what he was offering unto me. Praise God!

As I continue to move forward in my discernment, there still lies this immense union & peace in the depths of my heart, despite the excruciating pain in my heart due to the great intensity. Day by day, my desire to do the will of God in my life is becoming stronger. Although the road ahead is a long one, I depend on Jesus to carry me through this path of a True test of Faith.

Lord Jesus, walk with me in this discernment and carry me through the great intensities. Help to unite my sufferings, pains & joys with you on your Cross. Dearest Mama Mary, walk with me in this discernment. Help to be like you Mama Mary, never hesitating to do the will of God, no matter what the cost.

"I am the Handmaid of the Lord. May it be done unto me according to thy word!"

CHIJ-Toa Payoh

Well at first glance; this may be quite a immense shocker for many who read the title of this post! But yes it is true that I'm doing a post of CHIJ-Toa Payoh. For those who don't know, of which I really highly doubt, CHIJ-Toa Payoh Primary & Secondary is a Catholic School in Singapore, founded by Blessed Nicholas Barre. The school's name may seem to be quite normal but this school is in no way at all normal, of course I mean this in a very positive way. It may even seem so extremely shocking for a guy to even write a post on an all-girls school. Hahaha! But I really am.

Over the past 3 weeks, I've been at CHIJ-Toa Payoh doing school missions for the Sec 2s & Sec3s. Actually, I've been doing these CHIJ-Toa Payoh school missions since last year. And I've also had the opportunity to be able to do School Missions with CHIJ St. Nicholas Secondary & Holy Innocents' Secondary. Basically, School Missions is a half-day program where sessions are conducted for the teens to help bond them together and also help instill a sense of awareness of the needs & problems of the modern world we live in. And alot of these sessions are centered around God. But God is known to be the one common God we all believe, so there are times when we ask the teens to actually pray in their own way to the God that they worship. So this is basically what is done at the School Missions.

But when I go to CHIJ-Toa Payoh, there is this immense spirit that is never felt when I go for school missions to other schools. And its a spirit that is definitely bonded by God. You know, there is just this amazing feeling that you feel as you enter the school and be with the students. Its a feeling that is rooted in genuine love. Even when the school missions are done, there are students of different races & religions that are bonded in the Love of God! And even we as a Mission Team, feel so excited when we go to CHIJ-Toa Payoh to do the School Missions. I would go even as far to say that, "To be in the compound of CHIJ-Toa Payoh, is to be in the presence of the unified God!"

Other than the awesome God-filled Spirit of this school, the students just amaze you with this awesome welcome that they so amazingly do. The students are able to really put on that love of Christ that our Catholic Church teaches us to do in our own everyday lives. I am not driving the point that the students of CHIJ-Toa Payoh are perfect. But what this school does the most is to drive the point that Love is the Most Important Thing in life, not just our studies.

As I reflect deeper into this point, I see how I would have absolutely loved to be a school like CHIJ-Toa Payoh. In my teen days, the essence of Love was missed ever so much. And being in an all-boys school, there was this immense absence of God. I don't think I would have even considered spending time in prayer during my recess or even waking up extra early to attend the morning prayer in the Chapel. But in this school, there are a handful of teachers that are the source of encouragement to the students to live out a God-centered life. And its these same handful of teachers that helps the students get through each day with the essence of God in their hearts. These handful of teachers are the 'Jesus' to each student, cheering them on both in their studies & their walk with God. Our modern world today is just in a great need for love to be expressed more. And the girls from CHIJ-Toa Payoh will be that model of God to this very cruel world! I mean its just so saddening to see how the women of today are being treated as such subjects in our world today. And its really schools like CHIJ-Toa Payoh that really helps these girls to keep their dignity!

I'm not saying that this is absolutely missing in the others school, But rather I'm saying that the presence of God is greater felt at CHIJ-Toa Payoh. Even the ones,who have graduated from this school, continue to possess the very values that this school teaches, its values of Compassion, Empathy & Love. And you just know when you meet a girl from this school, their personality will be their greatest evidence. But one thing to take note of is that the girls from this school can get quite crazy, but even their craziness could be quite a blessing unto you. These girls just know how to enjoy life in the way of heaven, but also know how to work hard in life.

And since I am called to the Vocation of Marriage, I not only hope, but I desire for my daughter/s to be in this school. At least in future, I know that even if I have failed as a Dad, I will be rest assured that my daughter/s will have another place to receive that immense Love of God! But surely that's not the only reason, because this school is really a gift from heaven! I will know that my future daughter/s will be in a safe place rooted in the Love of God!

May we learn something special from this school, it is really a gift from heaven unto us. How apt that today is the school's Founder's Day! Praise God for CHIJ-Toa Payoh and their constant efforts to promote love & unity in the midst of attaining an education!

PS: I wrote this post on my own accord. There was no one who asked or forced me to write this post. I really do feel so inspiried by what CHIJ-Toa Payoh has done & continues to strongly do.

Pentecost Outpouring

Today has really be one of those really anointed days where the Sun seems to shine brighter than ever before and everyone around you seems to be angel sent from up above. As this Pentecost Sunday began, I absolutely no expectations from God. But within the very depths of my heart, there lay an immense knowing that God was really about to do something very very special, no just to me but also for YV. And true enough, this knowing became a reality.

The 9am mass was just so beautiful and so anointed. It really felt like the Spirit of God sweeping through the church as mass carried on. But it was at YV session where God just blew me away with his greatness. I was just so amazed at how God used each of the 5 worship songs to minister unto YV. Its really perfect when God plans it all out. And as I lead in worship, it really felt like the exact atmosphere more than 2000 years ago when the 1st Pentecost happened! After worship, we moved over to pray-over each other. I will really admit that there was just this immense power of the Holy Spirit. God had kept his promise to show up and to come in strength too. It was a session where even I too was ministered too, even as I was leading & playing for worship.

But the part that stood the most for me, was when I was prayed over by my community, led by Estelle. It was a moment where God had really just poured out his affirmations unto me. I was just so so humbled by what Estelle, Stephen, Clarice & the rest had to say. Its just one of those moments when all the affirmations came out at once. I personally felt very touched by what others thought of me and also how much people look up to me. Praise unto God.

I really praise for what this day has brought me. You made it possible! Can I call it a comeback? Well I will definitely call it that! Perfect Day for a comeback! I miss your sweet presence so much My Lord Jesus!

Affirmation that stood out: You are certainly a Man after God's own heart!

The Absence

Its been a total of 49 days since my last blog post. The reason for this has been due to the lack & prayer & growth with God. In the past 49 days, I have been more free than ever to actually do many many blog posts. But every time I came close to blogging a post, I just couldn't come to express my current state of feelings into words. There just seemed to be so much regret, sadness & emptiness within me. This has been my current state over the last 49 days. For those who remember the post, "My Biggest Trial yet", well I am still in the midst of that trial. In my heart, it feels like a disease that seems incurable. Its like I am in a deep pit that I can't get out of.

As I compare & contrast between Lent & Easter, there seems to be an immense disappointment in me. I prayed everyday for the 40 days of Lent, but ever since Easter Sunday, I stopped praying every morning. It also feels like I've disappointed many many many people, as I could have been able to help them through many of their struggles, by leading them back to God or something. But in those moments, I couldn't even help myself to my feet, due to intensity of my struggles with my discernment. And the biggest regret is how much I've really disappointed God. I just come to the point where I've lost almost everything within my heart, especially the passion to be God's instrument.

There just seems like something has died within me. And that something is priceless and it can never be attained from this passing world. This something has everything to do with God and where he wants me to be. And to be very honest, I really don't know what God thinks of me at this moment, where I have not just fallen down but I've been such a disappointment to God. In my heart, there is just extreme emptiness and no love whatsoever. There just seems to be nothing good in my heart. There used to be so much love within me, but now there is just no love that exists within me. There are only memories of the good person that I used to be. There are only memories of how close I used to be with God!

It is only the faith that I still believe that tells me that God still loves me. But in my heart, I'm not sure if I still believe in that truth. Though this situation seems so devastating, the one good thing within my heart. My Desire to do the Will of God is even greater. Its greater like never before.

But as I reflect upon this good thing, I wonder if it is even a good thing, because if my life is in such shatters, doesn't it make sense that I'd want to do God's will? Lord I wish you would speak! I know you are here with me still. Although I know that I don't deserve to be in your presence! But I pray that you will speak!

Praise you O God still!

Absolute Surrender

Over the course of this week, there have been much intense reflections that I've been in. The underlining reasons for these reflections have been majorly centered around this new invitation that God had expressed unto me. This was God's invitation to me at the end of the YMC retreat. This invitation came the night after God ministered to me directly. It was at the worship session on Sunday morning when God spoke out unto me,

"I want absolute surrender from you! I want everything of you! I want your life completely in my hands!"

I was actually quite shocked when I received this invitation from God. I had actually thought that I had already surrendered my life unto the safe hands of our Lord. Nevertheless, in that very moment of intimacy with God, I responded unto God's invitation,

"I am yours my Lord! I belong to me alone. Do unto me what you have planned! I give you my absolute surrender!"

In that very moment of my response, an immense union of God entered my heart. In that very moment, I knew that what lay ahead for me would be alot more intense & difficult. I just knew that within me, there would be a great deal of suffering and sacrifice that awaited me. As I embraced what lay ahead, as well as this absolute surrender, God's joy at my response just flowed like a river deep within my heart. This joy wasn't mine, but it was rather the Joy of God!

As worship was still on, the song 'Forever' was played and that's when the Joy of God was made aware unto everyone. I started to dance in the presence of God as this song was played. I had never ever seen myself worship God in this way. I was dancing & jumping in absolute joy! It was one of those experiences where you know it isn't you, but it was the Spirit of the Lord within me. So those who did see me, that was only a fraction of God's joy!! Hahaha!!!

Moving on, I had spent Sunday night reflecting upon this invitation of 'Absolute Surrender'. Initially, I thought that God was talking about my vocation of Marriage, but he wasn't. He was actually talking about my life after being married. He really wanted to stretch me so much more in marriage. Its the kind of Invitation that was extremely serious. But it was an invitation to be Christ's Love to this world. Over these past few days, God has also given me small opportunities to see if i still really wanted to give 'Absolute Surrender' unto God.

Praise God that I have managed to respond to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. But it really hasn't been easy for me. Each day continues to become more & more difficult but there is one thing that has kept me going. There is still this immense union I have constantly experienced within me. Since this week has started, I have been having alot more promptings from the Holy Spirit and they have been getting to be more stronger.

As I conclude this post, I praise God for this invitation because I know that the crosses that I have faced, am facing and am about to face becomes the measure of my love for my Lord Jesus. As you continue to prepare yourself for the Death & Resurrection of our Lord Jesus, take every cross as God's gift unto you. He gives you this cross because he knows how much stronger & wiser you will become from this cross. There will surely be pain & suffering. But in all moments of suffering & pain, unite yourself with Christ on his road to Calvary. Then you too, will rise with Jesus at Easter!

Lord Jesus, I give you Absolute Surrender! I am yours!

YMC Retreat

This retreat becomes one of those retreats when God reveals his underlining purpose unto me for the past weeks' struggles and also explains himself not allowing these struggles to happen. It has been a retreat that I would have to admit that it has been the best SFX retreat I have ever attended. This has been the best SFX retreat in terms of receiving God and not in terms of serving God. It was a retreat where I really dreaded going for, but I went in obedience. This is a fact within the depths of my heart that no one knew of. And in many ways, I have given everyone a reason to believe that I was looking forward to this YMC retreat.

Throughout the whole process of the build-up to this retreat, I knew that God had just wanted me to get the youths excited because God promised that he would show up at the retreat and would grant the desires that lay within the hearts of the youths attending the retreat. Hence, I decided to do my part to facilitate an expectation to well up within the hearts of the youths. I really thank God for using me in this area before the start of the retreat.

But at the very start of the retreat, I just felt so extremely exhausted in my heart. It felt like there was nothing within my heart and also a cry to receive God lay deep within me too. Then I just told God a few moments before mass, "Lord, I'm tired". Thankfully, as the retreat started with evening mass, I just surrendered my physical & emotional tiredness unto God and asked God to use me as he pleased, as well as a request to be even more selfless to all those God would want me to minister to. After mass, I just felt a little bit better and I guess I just chose to neglect all forms of tiredness within my heart & body.

Throughout the whole retreat, there was this immense desire among the SFX youths to receive the Love of God and really experience a new level of intimacy with Jesus! The Holy Spirit just got stronger and stronger as the retreat progress. The worship was really so heavenly and in there was only 1 worship leader in all the worship sessions, 'The Holy Spirit'. At the second worship session, which was on Saturday morning, God revealed what was happening in the middle of that worship session. God revealed that hearts were rising up to the heavens towards God. And at that moment, I just knew that God had something special planned for all of these SFX youths. This was going to happen because they gave God the openness of their hearts and that was all God needed.

The night session was simply amazing. The Spirit was so strong and the river of God's unconditional Love was just waiting to be released unto these youths. The session was filled with hearts being touched & healed by the Love of God. As I was in a prayer team doing the praying-over, I too received God through the very witnessing of the conversion of the hearts I was praying over. And from each one, God captivated each heart with his love. Praise God.

And when my prayer team has finished with our last youth to be prayed-over, I thought that was how this night would end. But God had this amazing plan to minister to me. God had been waiting for this moment for 5 months. God knew the weight of the struggles that I was bearing. God knew that I had been doing many many things in the obedience of the Will of God. And as soon as my prayer team prayed-over the last youth, I went to a station where it was about the word 'Given'. As the rest of the youths were in the middle of worship, I just sat down at that station and about a min, I started to weep and cry. But I cuddled myself in a position where I lay head on my left knees. Hence, this made it difficult to see that I was weeping and crying.

In this moment, I explained to God about the immense pain I felt within my heart, as well as the difficulty of doing his will. I sat in that position for about 30 minutes. And for the 1st time in my life, God ministered to me directly. In this moment, there was no one else involved. It was a moment where God just embraced me in his arms and ministered to me. In many ways, the struggles had caused a need for my heart to be healed. And that was what God did for me in that moment, God healed me. This was a really intimate moment but I wouldn't say that it was a happy & joyful one. God just filled & healed me with his love again.

After this moment, I spent the next 40 minutes alone, walking in the silence of the night. I talked to God about everything and how I felt so unworthy of his plan for me. I also felt so weak. But God explained everything to me, accompanied with practical steps of what I would need to do. That moment when God ministered to me, God filled me with his love, of which would be sufficient to take me through all struggles. But God didn't take away the struggles. God made this fact very clear unto me during my walk with him. He said that he ministered to me because he knew that I needed to be ministered to, but he wasn't taking away the struggles, because those struggles are what I have to bear as the will of God unfolds unto my life. After all the alone time, I had a extremely long but beautiful conversation with Stephen until 4am. We had alot of fun with each other as we laughed and also shared about our experiences.

In conclusion, this retreat was one where it started of with my surrender unto God in obedience. But it ended with God ministering to me directly. Praise God for he has given me his love & strength to weather the upcoming storms. This retreat really just shows that God knows all that we are going through and he takes special notice of the things we do in obedience to his will. But in his time, he will feed us with his love & strength. We just got to have faith & trust that God knows what he is doing.

I will end of with a message that God has been reminding me of over the last 3 months,

"If I do my part and you do your part, then only will my plan for you reach its perfection!"

I Love you, my Jesus!!

The Will of God

The Will of God has been one of the major reflections for me over the past 17 months. Its become a very real part of who I've become at the same time. But what is the will of God really? IS it something that is good? Is it something that brings joy into our hearts? Does the will of God for each of us really benefit us? Is the will of God good for each of us individually? What is the will of God?

For me, the discovery & execution of the will of God is the most painful process that any Child of God has to endure in this lifetime. There are so many elements that are required as the will of God enfolds in each of lives. But over my own discernment over the last 17 months, I come to a point to conclude that Patience & Trust is by far the major elements that I've come to not just learn & understand but also cultivate in my life. In the midst of cultivating these 2 elements into my life, there has been an immense magnitude of intense pain deep within my heart that I've experienced, where joy is very much short-lived. Though this doesn't give us a good reason to actually allow God's will to be lived out in us, there lays a much greater reason to actually live out God's will for each of us. The magnitude of the intense pain we feel within our hearts in the process of discovering & executing the will of God should never ever be compared to the immense joy & peace we will feel within our hearts when the will of God is done unto us! The magnitude of Joy & Peace we will experience is just too huge for us to even consider comparing.

But even before we reach that point of Joy & Peace within our hearts, there is an immense amount of suffering & pain that is required of us to experience. Over the last 17 months, I have come to experience so much pain and in many ways, my heart has been torn apart so many times, till it reaches a point where I become immune to suffering & pain deep within my heart. But although this may sound really sad that our Lord would allow such a thing to happen, there have been experiences of great sufferings that I would never ever regret. These sufferings have also brought much growth and I have been challenged to stick by the side of God, even when it didn't make any sense to do so.

But its really in the midst of intense sufferings where our faithfulness to God will truly be tested. It becomes easy to stick with God in the joyful & happy times but our true desire to belong to god is tested to a much larger extent in the midst of sufferings. But there also comes this immense satisfaction too of the very knowing that you had stuck with God in the midst of sufferings. For me, its those times of sticking with God, in the midst of sufferings where i really find this amazing grace to do God's will in my life. And sometimes, I, myself wonder how I have made it this far. But its really only because God's strength & grace was working within me, not my own strength. If it was my strength, I am absolutely sure that I would even last a day of suffering.

But what does the will of God do for us then? To me, I feel the will of God is the path of Life where God is absolutely sure that you will be the most happy in the long run. Many times, we struggle so much with the will of God, only because we just simply can't see it yet. But God, who has already planned it all, surely has the wisdom to see it. He knows that you will be so happy with that path of life. Over time, I have come to comprehend that God wants us to be loved & happy. That is his desire for every one of us, where or not we realise & believe in it. God wants the absolute best for each of us! We are just too precious to God, for him to give us 2nd best. God only wants the best for us. And this is what the will of God is for each of us!

Over the past few weeks, I have been in that state of intense pain & suffering deep within my heart. But yet again, I am challenged to have faith, trust & patience with the will of God for me. I am also comforted by the very fact that there will come that day when I will have that immense peace & joy in my heart when the will of God unfolds in my life. And I guess at this moment of sadness, I focus my mind, heart & soul on this fact.

But may we too draw closer to the heart of Jesus in the midst of discovering the will of God for each of us. And in all moments of intense pain & suffering within our hearts, may we just fix our hearts & eyes on that one day where we will experience that immense joy & peace within our hearts!

Lord Jesus, walk with us as we discover & execute God's will for us. Help us stick with God like you did on your road to Calvary.

My biggest trial yet

Since the 3rd of January 2010, which was the same day as the Feast of the Epiphany of our Lord, I started this discernment of which appeared unto me in the form of a dream. It was a direction that really caught me off guard. It was a dream that God invited me to interpret but I kept procrastinating as I had so many fears deep within my heart.

But as I immersed myself in prayer, God spoke out unto me with these very comforting words.

"My Son, this is my heart's desire for you!"

And God soon gave me very strict & very practical instructions of what I was to do. And over the last 2 months, God has constantly been convincing me of this Plan that he has for me. And over the past few weeks, I spent alot of time reflecting about what I truly felt about this beautiful plan. Although this plan would require a great deal of pain to embrace within my heart, it was a plan that was absolutely perfect. It was a plan that was just so much of a revelation! It was a plan of God! It was a plan that I was in love with!

But over the past month, I've just been struggling so so much and also experiencing so much pain within my heart! And in many ways, the new dream come true book, 'Come be my light', has really helped me embrace each day of pain that God has blest me with. In the midst of this extreme struggle, God has spent much of his efforts on convincing me of why he desires this for me! And with each excuse I give unto him, God answers me with a much great reason to continue in spite of the immense pain that dwells deep within my heart! Also, God has also spent alot of time revealing how this plan will unfold, as well as the beautiful outcome of this plan. God has really been revealing so so much unto me! In many ways, God trusts me with his plan too. And the fruits of the Spirit have been my evidence too that this is of God!

For those who have been close to me over 2009, you would know what I have been discerning ever since Nov'08, but this is my biggest trial yet. This trial of this direction is really one of being totally immersed in the pain & sorrow of our Lord Jesus Christ! In many moments, I have cried out unto God that this path is totally beyond my capabilities. But in all those moments, God has assured me that it will be perfect and that his presence & grace will see me through every moment. I am taking this time to really discern this direction and being absolutely convinced that this is a plan of God and not mine!

As I take this direction, led by the Holy Spirit, I know my faith in God will be intensified like never before, just as it is said in St. Peter's letters. But I know this is God's desire for me! I know that this is my biggest trial yet but I am determined to surpass this trial with God as my strength & guide! I know that ultimately, God's desire is my true desire too!

Lord Jesus, be my guide to walk beside me! This plan of yours is perfect! Grant me a Spirit of Patience & a Spirit of absolute submissive faith in you! Praise you O Jesus in the heavens!

PS: Do keep me in prayer!

Sec 1 camp

This is a really emotional & sentimental post for me. And for those who have known me for more than a year, you'll know where I was exactly a year ago. It was when I was having my holiday with God in sweet Perth, Australia. And over this month of March, God has really made full use of me, as well as my free time. It is really the best way to spend lent!

For every weekend in March, I'll be involved in a camp. the 1st weekend, I was at the SFX Core leaders' retreat, the 2nd weekend, I was involved in the Sec 1 camp, the 3rd weekend, I'll be involved as a worship leader for my friend's community retreat, the 4th weekend, I'm involved in the SFX youth ministry youth retreat. Then comes holy week, of which my community, the Youth Vineyard is leading. And finally, in the 2nd weekend of April, its Camp Daniel where I'm help the CAYC team to do sessions and whatever else that God calls me to do at the camp.

As I spent a few moments to reflect upon these camps that God has called to use me as his instrument, I am very much humbled of whom god has made me into. I am humbled that God has even considered using me to work in his Vineyard! There is just this constant joy in my heart of how God has blest me in his gifts unto me!

Over the past 2 months, I've been in this constant struggle of where God was leading me, especially in the area of my vocation. It has been this constant struggle day after day. But I praise God that his grace has seen me through all moments and especially the grace to be selfless with my time. There have been many many moments where I've ended up in this state of constant confusion. I'm sure we have all have many moments of confusion. But for me, I have been given the opportunity to really deal with these confusions.

But over this weekend, I've had the chance to spend alot of time being immersed in God's love through the simple worship done at the Sec 1 camp. And in each moment of prayer, God was constantly affirming me of the direction that I was taking in my walk with him. There was never ever a moment, in the midst of prayer, where there was an ounce of doubt that my discernment of the direction that God was leading me in wasn't the path of God! There just was this constant convincing that God was working within the very depths of my heart.

And this was the very words that God spoke to me during Mass at the Sec 1 camp.

"My Son, will you be a fool for me?"

This invitation from God speaks directly to the doubts I had been feeling over the past 2 months. And yet again, it is a moment when God comes to my aid! But surely that wasn't all of what God had planned for me over this weekend!

I was really touched by the Sec1s too. For me, the very defining fact that touched me was the sheer innocence & child-like faith of these young ones. And I just felt so priviledged to be their Facilitator and personally enjoyed being their Facilitator too. And the one learning point I experienced, was how its the very little acts of Love & Kindness that we do in the secret that really means the most to the children of God! And yes, I was totally surprised and affirmed by how the Sec 1s in my group felt so touched. For me, it was just the simplicity of the Sec 1 camp that touched my heart so much!

As I conclude this post, I see that it really such a blessing to be serving in the Lord's Vineyard! And I have really experienced so much more than what I thought. Its been only 2 camps out of 5 camps. But there just is an immense grace that God has been blessing me with. And there is joy and a different level to trust in God's plan for me, despite the many confusing thoughts & struggles. This time, I choose to look even more at the graces instead of the confusion & struggles, but not ignoring it! I'm just spending more of my time to reflect upon the graces instead of the struggles! I think it makes our journey a whole lot easier!

Try delighting in the simple gifts of God unto us, instead of you complaining about the weight of your struggles! Praise you O Jesus!

Why stifle the Youth?

This has been a post that's long overdue. But its a reflection that's laid in the very depths of my heart ever since Nov'09, which was just after the Confirmation retreat had finished. And its something that our Church Leaders have grown to become so so guilty of. As I enter into reasoning for this, I see that it becomes part of our culture in the very world we live. And this is a culture where we limit the capabilities of the very ones that God has placed under our care!

For me, as I reflect upon this, this is a culture of the world where we underestimate the very strength of our wonderful Lord! This could very well be one where we become so afraid of mistakes to occur. It becomes a very sad truth that we, who have been called by name by our Lord Jesus, becomes the very people that limit the power of the one who has called us. But I think for us, as children of God who have been called to serve in the Vineyard of God may have come to a point where we become guilty of misusing the authority given unto his by the one who has the highest honour, Jesus Christ! We may have come to a point where we have felt inferior and even jealous to a particular youth or even a group of youth! Hence, we use our authority & influence to limit these youth due to the humanness within us that makes us feel jealous & inferior towards them. In this statement, I don't condone our humanness to have these feelings but I condone that we, after years of serving God, would choose to act upon these feelings, when instead, we should rather be seeking help from God to humble us and take away our pride. And for me, I think this has become a culture that has been spread to our church leaders, which has spread onto the people in Church we associate ourselves with.

We live in a culture where we become so guilty of limiting God and the wonder he can do in his people. In other words, we become God where we plan how & when & who will his power be manifested in! And time & again, our Lord Jesus constantly proves that He is the Lord of wonder & He is the source of grace! And the 1st thought of how God constantly amazes us, is at our camp, more specifically, at the night sessions! In these sessions, I can't help but just become amazed & in awe of our God! It is in those moments when God makes his power so evident. And the spirit of God becomes evident. For me, in those moments, I just delight because I am absolutely certain that Jesus will get the credit & praise of all that is good that happened, no matter what I was doing at that session, whether playing music, interceding or laying hands to pray over a child of God. Basically, the reality of God is made known!

But for so many of us, this very physical sign of the reality of God isn't enough for us, as leaders. We just tend to forget these moments so fast. Doesn't this seem just like in the times of Jesus, where the Pharisees & Scribes would always ask for signs & wonders from Jesus to prove that he is God! But even after Jesus had done those signs & wonders to prove himself to be the Son of God, they still doubted and didn't believe! For so many of us, we fail to live out our call to be the very vibrant & radiant light of christ. And hence, we limit our youth to be better than we could ever be!

For me, I have had the absolute pleasure & honour of both guiding and learning from 2 youths that God called me to be close to! In the midst of journeying with them, I have many times, been called to be like Jesus. I have been called to give myself completely, to be of complete service to them! In the midst of this giving, I found myself receiving so much more, especially when I gave of my heart instead of my mind! In the very end, I have witnessed 1st-hand, before my very eyes, someone rising to be greater than me! And I knew that this greatness came not from me, but from the very source of all genuine greatness, Our Lord Jesus! And time & again, I have seen how they have proven unto all those that have tried to limit them! And I have come to conclude that we can be either one that limits God or one that allows God to be more & more real in one's life!

But make no mistake, all praise is only due to the God that I love, my Lord Jesus! He provided the grace to be more powerful than my humanness! He even provided the grace to be his instrument to allow Jesus to more & more real in these 2 youth's lives! Praise be unto the Holy Name of Jesus! Youths are what we, as leaders need each day to inject that vibrant flavour into our lives! We need them as much as they need us! If you fail to embrace this fact, then its time you analyze your motive & reason for serving in the Lord's Vineyard!

May we not stifle the spiritualities & desires that our youth have in their hearts! May they be allowed to make mistakes and learn to pick themselves up! Our call as a follower of Christ, is to have the humility of Jesus, to be there to help pick them up and not make them feel smaller than us! Let us be like Jesus, always trying to maximize the capabilities of each of God's precious children, young or old!

Believe that God can work in anyone, not just in you! If Jesus could change you to be who you are today, then he could very well do that in someone else! So be an instrument of Jesus to make someone great in the name of Jesus, instead of stifling their desire for God! You would surely learn so much along the way too! And if you find yourself having too much pride, go to the source of humility, Jesus Christ!

Let us work together to stop limiting the power of God in this world and also stop stifling our YOUTH in our Church! Be guiders and not limiters in their desire for God!

Praise you, O Jesus!

Apart from me, you will bear no fruit

Over the last couple of weeks, this has been a really evident message from God unto me! And its exactly been this very message that's been keeping me going in the midst a great deal of struggle. And it becomes a surprising fact that I can still remember exactly when God had revealed unto me this truth as a means to be a guidance whenever I was in doubt if I was on the right track towards God.

It was at during my uncle's 1 month anniversary mass, on the 13th of Jan'10 at the Church of our Lady Star of the Sea. And on that very evening, I was in a constant state of extreme confusion and I saw myself at the very feet of our Lord, pleading for his guidance. There had been a series of events that had lead to this confusion and in many ways the confusion wasn't within my control. But that evening, my heart longed to be in the presence of the Lord Jesus, desiring to just hear the voice of my Saviour or to even receive a sign that the direction I was heading towards was one of the Lord's path for me.

But this was the exact reply of our Lord to my plea,

"Apart from me, you will bear no fruit! This is your guide to know if you are on the path that I have set before you, my Son. Evaluate if the fruits of my Holy Spirit are presently evident in you! Use this as your guide, my Son!"

And in the many moments of confusion, since then, I have been using this guide to determine if I was on the right track and in the direction to fulfill God's plan & will for me in my walk with him. And I feel deep down in my heart, this is one guide that each one of us can use to gauge if we are on the right track with God!

And its really especially so helpful in times where we have so many questions left wandering in our hearts & minds. God will for us to be happy and at peace! So take this guide. But 1 important point that is so so essential in the usage of this guide is to be perfectly honest with yourself as you evaluate if the Fruits of the Holy Spirit are evident within you.

Let us stop allowing the evil one to lead us into constant moments of confusions that brings away from receiving the Love of Christ in its full form!

PS: The Fruits of the Holy Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control & Long-suffering!

Intensity of the Desert begins

The intensity of this journey in the desert has entered the very depths of my heart during this weekend that's just passed. It becomes a moment where I am lost in the very desert of my soul that I have chosen to embark upon this lent. Even as i type this post, there lies in me, this intense fear that has the power to overcome me if I choose to allow it to. But there also lies this strength & faith in me that is rooted from the very heart of Jesus. And I am left stranded in this desert to choose to abide to these 2 forces that lie within me.

Before I made a decision to embark upon my lent journey in the desert, Jesus warned and explained to me of the intensities that I would experience in the desert, where faith is a major essential as it will be my faith rooted in Jesus which will lead me through the desert. And knowing this in its full extent, I chose to take this journey, with the knowledge that God will be with me.

And over the 1st 10 days, I have been filled with the grace of God. Those 10 days served to be the time that I took to settle in the desert. It was really one of simple joy where everything has been straight-forward and simple. But this is when the real intensity begins. It started on the evening of Saturday, where a great amount of pain within my heart became evident. It wasn't the 1st time that this has happened.

But on Saturday, at Mass, I asked Jesus,

"Let me bear your sufferings this Lent. I want to do this for you because my heart belongs to you! You have blessed me with so much but now I want to suffer for you and with you!"

And as I reflect upon this, I realised that God knew I was going to do this all along. He knew that I was aware of the fact that for me to enter into the joy of the next phase of my walk with him, I needed to experience the magnitude of sufferings that was equal to the magnitude of joy I'd experience in time to come. And its become much more intense ever since Saturday.

Over this time, I've struggled to embrace this intense pain within my heart. But Prayer has been so instrumental towards embracing this pain. I wasn't really able to sleep much last night, due to the intensity of this pain. And in many of those moments, I was left in tears, alone in my bed. But it is a moment where there's no turning back and I have embraced & accepted it! And I think what had really sustained me, is the knowledge of the fact that God is in total control. In this moment, to give you a better idea of what I am saying, is that I feel lost in the desert of my soul! And I only have my faith in Jesus to give me a direction to find my way back.

This has been God's message unto me,

"This is not beyond your capacity! Just trust me, my Son!"

I request you to keep me in your prayers!

Lord Jesus, I am lost in the very desert that you embarked upon! But Lord, I place my life in the palm of your safe hands. Take me to the unknown! For if I have you, my God, I will want for nothing. For you alone suffice.

Embrace your Nervousness

There just lies this huge amount of pressure upon me throughout this whole process of studying for my final exams! And in many ways, its being the exams for my last semester really just adds onto the pressure of doing much better this time. I am fully aware that the pressure isn't the same compared to previous poly exams.

And it enters this state of confusion when I start to think about who is placing this pressure upon me! I am most certain that it isn't God at all! And I guess I have been placing too much pressure on myself to perform even better as its the very last set of exams in poly! And as weird as it is, its funny how its reached this point. Its so seldom that I place pressure on myself to perform but I guess its something that has happened!

Its really not been a walk in the park this time. I constantly find myself getting angry & frustrated with myself for not being able to remember the content that I need to remember! And one of the toughest parts of this experience is not being convinced that I've done enough! Its that feeling where you know you have studied everything but you aren't convinced yourself! And I guess this has been a reason for the many frustrations! With the 1st of the 2 exams starting tomorrow, an increased amount of nervousness sets in!

Another load of nervousness entered today when a very late realisation was made this afternoon. All the while, I had the idea that my Instrumentation exam was on Tuesday and my Automation exam on Wednesday! But when I doubled-checked it this afternoon, it was the opposite. And I started to freak out! And after studying and studying, I knew that God would be essential in the midst of a total mess!

As I entered church, feelings of whether I would mess up my exams started to really overwhelm me and more nervousness entered my heart! But as mass began, I just surrender everything into the trustworthy hands of Jesus! And throughout the mass, I just felt very strongly about this message, "My Son, embrace your nervousness! And make it part of you" And as soon as I started to try to embrace it, I felt this great grace of God flowing in my heart! Its like the confidence of heaven came down upon you!

And God said, "Just do your best, my son! You know that I'm always with you! Let me work my wonders! Just have faith as always!"

And so I'm just going to have a real go at it whether my heart feels ready or not because my God is ready to do wonders for me over the next 2 days of exams! And he grants me a faith that will move mountains!

Lead me, Lord Jesus! You are always my Rock, both in the good & bad times!

PS: Please please do keep me in prayer! My exams are on the 23rd Feb @ 9.30am & 24th Feb @ 2.30pm!

40-day Lent Journey in the Desert

This is the journey that I've decided upon this Lent. It was an idea that I had over the last few weeks leading up to the start of Lent! The idea actually came from how Jesus himself spent 40 days/nights in the desert praying and fasting. And as I asked God about the idea, he approved of it as it was a way for God to take me to the unknown and more importantly, Refine me!

This 40-day Journey with God in the desert, is really one where my heart is taken into a depth of great intensity with God! And as I reflect upon what lies ahead for me over this lent, a great deal of excitement burst out in my heart. But God has made it very clear that entering the desert with him isn't going to be easy at all, and in fact its going to be one of dryness and suffering too. But its really so awesome to see how God continues to mould me into the one he desires me to become! In many ways, its also an investment in God yet again. Last year, it was sweet sweet aussie for lent!

But this journey is really one of intense silent prayer mostly, where each day starts with an hour of prayer in the morning! And over the last 3 days, I'd say its been tough but really good. As God has said that the 1st week is about settling into the spirit of the desert! So its surely going to be a blessed experience!

But I am really excited over what God is going to show me in the desert over these 40 days! So instead of doing something dull, make a commitment and grow deeper with God this lent!

And on the side of my sacrifice for Lent, I have decided to give my Ipod to Stephen for lent! So I don't cheat on my sacrifice for lent!

Take this Lent not as one of suffering, but rather allow God to take you to a place where you've never been! Maybe allow Jesus to be a more real person to you! Jesus desires that we receive him. Allow Jesus to reveal himself to you this Lent! He has great plans for you! All he needs is for you to be available and open!!!

Praise the Blessed Cross of Jesus!

PS: Please do keep me in prayer on the 23/24 Feb! It is my final exams in Poly! And its not easy at all! Thanks!